Before you kill me and all I live for, please let me explain.

I wrote this when I was nine and a half years old. I was an evil child. I can't believe I wasn't drowned at birth. I wrote it after seeing the phenomenal movie The Two Towers and subsequently realizing that, unlike the other elves, Haldir didn't look emaciated. So he had to go. And I was dying to make fun of Arwen and the guy who did her lipstick – I mean, he makes orcs look real but can't make her chin look even slightly smaller.

Weell, yesterday I was looking through my files and found…this. This very horribly horrifying story that I had abandoned three minutes after writing.

I know you (how many of you are reading? counts people 1…2…okay, two people) want to hurt me, and that's okay, but it's up. Flame me, ridicule me, mock my very existence. But the story's been posted, I've apologized,and there you go.

Disclaimer: Haldir isn't mine, and neither is Arwen. Lucky for them.

Disclaimer take two: Neither is Woman's World. I forgot, I swear! (gestures to tough looking guys with guns and seedy looking lawyers.)

The Fat Elf

Once upon a time, there was a fat elf named Haldir, but his elf friends called him pilandhrill(butterball). He ate all kinds of sugary and fatty foods and eventually developed a heart problem. Well, one day his doctor, named Calaglin, told him he had better quit with the lumbas bread or else he'd die.

Poor Haldir loved sweets and salt and butter, but had to give up all those things. He jogged daily, became an elven warrior, and ate healthy, but Haldir was still in the 500's. One day he was looking at Woman's World and found a diet, "Mushrooms helped me lose 400 pounds!" and there was a picture of Arwen, showing off her pearly whites and her teensy pant size. Inside it had an interview with Arwen where she told of how Aragorn had told her, "either the lips or the pot belly have to go." Haldir was so excited, and he started the mushroom diet the very next day. Unfortunately, he read the directions wrong and ate the mushrooms instead of inhaling them, and was poisoned, as mushrooms are lethal when eaten.

He nearly died, but survived barely. He lost his appetite for weeks and became emaciated. So now Calaglin observed that this time, Haldir had better lay on the lumbas bread. So Haldir ate, and ate, and ate until he was finally at his healthy weight. He was overjoyed. He was finally healthy!

Then three days later the kingdom of Rohan was under siege by the army of Isengaurd and Haldir and his men went over to Helm's Deep where he died when an orc cleaved his head in half.

A/N – I am very sorry.