Morning

It was a perfectly normal day for Kujikawa Rise, retired idol, amateur sorta-detective and unpaid manual labor (family business, you know). The sun was shining as decreed by the local weather forecaster, the bird were singing (well, kawing. The town had a bizarre propensity for crows), the local serial kidnapper was contemplating what he wanted out of life, and her split personality was docile as she got ready to go to school.

"Grandma, I'm going," she called out with one last look over her shoulder and ran into a carpet-covered brick wall.

She bounced off, crying cutely. One hand went up to rub her nose as she turned to glare indignantly at whoever it was.

A huge, muscly, bat-faced monster looked down at her.

"Hmm…" it said in a gravelly voice. "What magnificent Twintails. I'll take them to go."

Most girls would have screamed.

Rise screamed and kicked him in the crotch.

It was very unfortunate he was wearing a cup.

….

Gonna Get The Twintail!

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 1: Risette Out To The Truth!

Disclaimer: Ore, Twintail ni Narimasu! (俺、ツインテールになります!) and Persona 4 belong to other people. This is a parody, and technically a doujin and why do we even bother with these things? Does anyone actually bother to read them? Would they even do any good?

….

A few days earlier…

Morning

Mitsuka Souji was having a perfectly normal day. Get woken up by his twintailed tsundere childhood friend Tsube Aika, sit up in bed as said friend beat up the mad scientist that had crawled into his bed naked, step over them to get to the bathroom, bathe, use his hero transformation trinket to turn into a girl so he could lewdly fondle his own hair, change back, return to his room just as his twintailed tsundere childhood friend dragged the mad scientist out of his room in a headlock while chiding him to go faster because they'll be late, get dressed, drag his friend off the mad scientist, have a quick bite to eat, have his transformation trinket warn him enemies had been detected in Norway, rush down into the secret base built under his house to use to teleporter there…

All in all, a perfectly normal day.

"So, you have arrived, Tail Red! Know that today is the day you will be defeated for the glory of Ultimaguil!" cried the green humanoid with the insect head. It flicked the scarf around his neck dramatically over his shoulder. "I am Cricket Guild– AHH! MY SCARF IS ON FIRE! MY SCARF IS ON FIRE!"

"Aura Pillar!"

"Wait, isn't that your finishing move? Why the hell are you using it already! That's against the rules! It's against the rules! You're supposed to try and whack me around first so I can show off my powers!"

"Shut up! I'm not going to make the same rookie mistake and think you guys haven't gotten stronger in the new season! Besides, I'm going to be late for school! So die in a fire already!"

"My scarf! My poor scarf! Damn you Tail Red! I'll come back for you in the summer movie… !"

As could be expected since they hadn't defeated Dark Grasper or any sort of final-boss-looking guy, the Ultimegil had eventually returned after almost a year and had picked up exactly where they'd left off. Various countries– you know, the usual suspects: North Korea, North America, the Philippines– had made a lot of boring and repetitive speeches about (blank)-ism and the usual threat of nuclear missiles, but since they had no idea where the Ultimegil came from, how to know they're coming or how to defeat them if they did, they mostly just sat around and took credit when a little girl showed up to save the day. They did this very badly.

The year-long absence had cooled the Twintail's popularity, but it took only a battle or two to get back up sky high again. They were superheroes after all, and even though people still suspected Tail Blue of being evil and nefarious, she was still popular in some circles. Mostly those who liked flat chests and doomsday cultitsts who thought she really was part of Ultimagil.

He made it back from Norway after defeating Cricket Guildy in time for class.

….

In the hidden Dimensional Ship of the Ultimegil, everyone was having a moment of silence for the late, lamented Cricket Guildy. His friends Ant Guildy and Lady Bug Guildy were crying in the corner, having just given the memorial. It wouldn't last long. After all, life goes on, and they had a world to conquer and Twintail Affinities to acquire, but they all made a point of mourning the passing of their friends and colleagues, even if they tended to happen on a weekly basis.

Except the Ultiroids. They were just cheap contract labor after all, not regular employees, and so didn't matter.

"It seems Tail Red hasn't let herself get soft in the time we've been away," Dark Grasper commented, looking down over her troops from her high balcony. All commanders got a high balcony to look down over their troops from. Union rules. "A pity. Still, it won't matter. This is a dance we've done many times before. No matter how well she beats up the small fry– may they all rest in peace– " she added conscientiously, "eventually the Ultimegil will be triumphant, and the Glasses Affinity shall fill this world."

"As you say, Dark Grasper-sama," the large Elemerian standing respectfully behind her said. Everyone knew how to yes-man properly to the Empire's chief troubleshooter. "Still, the constant funerals are a drain on morale. I believe with the proper preparation, we can drastically decrease our loses in this campaign."

Dark Grasper made a contemplative sound, fingering one of the folders on the table before her. "Your proposal is being considered. There have been studies on that course already. Still, eliminating the Twintails is to be your priority, Bat Guildy."

The huge, bat-headed Elemerian wrapped in his own dark wings bowed. There were several subdued clicks as all the gadgets he liked to carry moved ever so slightly from the gesture. "I understand, Dark Grasper-sama," he said, taking out another folder with the Ultimegil crest and holding it out. "In the meantime, I have another proposal for efficient collection. I have taken the liberty of studying Earth culture, with emphasis on high-Affinity individuals known as Idols. While Twintails Affinity is not uncommon amongst them, I have managed to determine that their Affinites are of high quality and it would be a much more efficient use of our time to individually target them, rather that attempting to randomly harvest in the field, where the Affinity quality can be highly erratic."

Dark Grasper tilted her head. "I see," she said evenly. "And this wouldn't have anything to do with you currying favor by essentially volunteering to eliminate Isuna Anko's industry rivals so she can stage a major comeback after a year-long absence?"

"This factored into the plan only to the extent that it would allow Dark Grasper-sama to revive a useful tool," Bat Guildy said shamelessly. "It might become useful in the future."

Dark Grasper gave him a considering look. "Very well. I will authorize your deployment. How long will you need to prepare?"

"I can go immediately, Dark Grasper-sama," Bat Guildy said. "Preparations have already been made in case it would be required on short notice. I have already assembled a list of targets by order of Affinity quality. To avoid drawing attention too soon, I have prioritized retired and low-visibility targets, who are likely to have lower security."

"Idols are very deceptive. Not all idols who wear twintails actually have Twintails Affinity," Dark Grasper warned.

"Do not worry, Dark Grasper-sama," Bat Guildy assured her. "I have taken the liberty of first scouting out the targets in advance to determine their actual level of Affinity. Rest assured, the target list contains nothing but the real thing."

"You are well-prepared," Dark Grasper grudgingly complemented. "Go then, and return with the Twin Tails Affinities you have promised!"

Bat Guildy's head dipped low in acknowledgment, but otherwise he didn't move.

"Well? What are you waiting for?" Dark Grasper asked.

"Er, could you turn around, Dark Grasper-sama? I can't really leave the room when people are looking at me. My Affinity won't let me."

Dark Grasper sighed, but turned around. She heard no footsteps, felt no breeze of passing, but when she looked again, Bat Guildy was gone. She sighed. "Really, what a troublesome Affinity to have in a subordinate."

….

"Now might not be the best time for your comeback Rise-chan," the familiar voice of her old manager said over the phone.

"Huh? Why not?" Rise asked. "What better time than the start of the new season for Risette's big comeback tour?"

"I agree that this is usually the best season for a comeback, but it's not safe right now. In the past few weeks, those Ultimaxi space aliens seemed to have been targeting idols. Several have had their Twintails stolen in recent days, and a few were even injured during the attack because they panicked. I know I've been trying to convince you to return to the industry all year, but right now you might be safer if you stayed retired. Risette's look is based on her Twintails, and a revival would no doubt put you in great danger. "

Rise took a moment to recall to herself that the absurd-sounding statement coming from her phone was all 100% factual and not the result of her old manager being a heavy drug user (he was in fact a wholesome family man whose only flaw was being a manager in the idol industry). That the Earth was under constant attack by evil space aliens who, for some reason wanted to steal girls Twintails. And that it was being defended by a twinailed loli with a magic fire sword and a masochistic-seeming busty woman covered in lightning guns.

…

No, it still sounded crazy, and she'd spend most of a year being a serial-killer chasing, TV-hopping, monster killing investigator. Half of her had a satellite dish for a face.

"W-well, if that's the case, then we just need to change Risette's hairstyle, right?" Rise ventured.

"Maybe," her old manager said skeptically. "We can just hope that Tail Red-sama defeats the alien doing this soon. If she does, then that should be it. Everyone knows alien invaders aren't smart enough to repeat old plans even if they work."

Rise nodded. Yes, that was true. Such things were common knowledge.

They resolved to put off the question for a while, while also making plans for a future comeback after the current crisis of idol-targeting was resolved.

A day later, Rise was being attacked by a bat monster and kicking it in the crotch.

….

Morning

Inaba was a perfectly ordinary, peaceful small town. Sure, the guy planning to run for mayor was a suspected serial kidnapper, the local gas station attendant used to give random strangers coming into town the potential for ultimate power for shits and giggles, the local shrine was run in all but name by a fox, the high school's history teacher liked to dress as an ancient Egyptian pharaoh, and the local weather forecaster decided the weather rather than predicted it, but it was a perfectly ordinary small town nonetheless. It had perfectly ordinary small town things like a local department store and supermarket where the local goddess fighters and serial killer investigators hung out, a local artist black smith who can make shoes and hand fans that could tear through supernatural flesh, a local crazy guy who only went out in fog wearing a gas mask, and a local ghost lady haunting the shrine who gave gemstones in exchange for fish and was perfectly willing to help you catch bugs in the summer at night.

You know, perfectly normal small town things, of the sort you can find anywhere.

So the giant, muscular monster with the bat's head assaulting the local semi-retired idol singer immediately draw the screamy kind of attention.

As monster attacks went, it was surprisingly quick and surgical. Longtime watchers of Sunday Superhero shows would have been very upset at the inelegance and non-traditional approach. There was no sneakiness with disguises, no proudly and loudly proclaiming himself at his target with words "So you are the one we seek! Mooks, capture her!" and sending low-level minions after whoever it was. The giant boss monster just grabbed Rise and shoved into some kind of weird ring-like machine two of his minions were holding in the middle of the road.

Rise, to her credit and the everlasting shame of Super Sentai extras of the last half-century, put up a fight, flailing about, kicking and stomping and sending one or two Ultiroids howling in pain, allowing her to thrash about violently as those who moved to take their place did so with caution.

"You're resistance is futile girl," Bat Guildy said in his deep, gravelly voice. "You are only delaying the inevitable."

"That's the point, stupid!" Rise cried as she managed to unbalance the two holding her arms enough to get the leverage she needed to stomp on a third, which was cowering on the ground with its hands over its head. She wasn't even going to comment on why they seemed to be wearing black briefs on their craniums.

Bat Guildy made a contemptuous sound. "And what do you expect that to accomplish?"

A folding sign for the bar down the street slammed into the back on his head.

"Well, I expect it'll let my friend sneak up on you and hit you really hard!" Rise said as she shoved one of the unfortunate Ultiroids holding her arm against the ring-shaped machine, stunning it enough for her to kick it between the legs. She missed, catching it in the pelvis, but the impact was enough to send the black-clad creature tumbling. "Kanji-kun!"

A tall boy with neatly combed hair and glasses slammed the sign he was holding down on Bat Guildy again as the latter tried to rise. Only the scars on his temples remained of his delinquent-like look from a year ago, but he was still as strong and violence-capable as ever. "Mess with Rise-chan, will you," he snarled, the tone and words incongruous with his otherwise dutiful-student look. He swung down the sign again. "Bastard! Who the hell do you aliens think you are?"

A fist met the signboard coming the other way, and there was a loud crack as the sign shattered.

"Who am I?" the Elemerian said as he backhanded Kanji away, rising back to his full height. " I'm the goddamned Bat Guildy, human!"

Kanji went flying, eliciting a cry of concern from Rise, but he wasn't down for long. With a glare, he dramatically pulled off his glasses, throwing them to the side (and safely into a plant box). With a snarl, Kanji dramatically help up a hand and made a fist. "Persona!"

There was a pause as absolutely nothing happened.

"Oh, right," he muttered. "We're not in the TV."

"You should probably see someone about that," Bat Guildy said. "You're too old to still be chuunibyou."

"I don't want to hear that from an alien molesting a defenseless teenaged girl!" Kanji roared.

There were whimpering sounds as Rise slammed the Ultiroid holding one of her arms against the ring-machine while she savagely kicked at another.

"My point still stands!" Kanji cried, raising his fists before charging.

"Bothersome," Bat Guildy said, reaching towards his belt, from which hung all sorts of strange gadgets. "Have a taste of my Guildy Gadgets, human!"

With a negligent toss, what looked like small marbles there thrown at Kanji's feet. They certainly sounded like marbles as they hit the ground, and they certainly felt like marbles when he slipped on them and fell on his back.

"Behold, human, one of my 108 Guildy Gadgets, the Spherical Non-Crystalline Amorphous Silicate Balance Disruptor!" Bat Guildy proclaimed grandly.

Kanji grabbed one of the round things and looked at it closely, then angrily threw it at Bat Guildy's head. "What kind of grown-ass adult throws around marbles, you asshole!-?" Kanji cried.

"Spherical Non-Crytalline Amorphous Silicate Balance Disruptor!" Bat Guildy corrected.

Kanji pushed himself up, trying to stand, only to slip again on those damned marbles. They seemed to be leaking oil somehow, making it harder to retain his balance.

Bat Guildy ignored him, turning towards Rise, who was punching out the last of the Ultiroids still grabbing on to her. With a practiced motion of his foot, he sent her crashing to the ground, stunning her with the impact and surprise. With one hand, he grabbed the ring-like Affinity extractor and, with determined pragmatism, pushed it down towards the twintailed retired idol.

There was a burst of heat, a blast of air, and suddenly he was holding a sparking, ruined piece of advanced technology, cut cleanly through.

"Curses!" he cried. "Tail Red!"

Had this been a Sunday morning toku show, this would be when the show's theme music would start playing, and the next scene would involve a few dramatic jump cuts as the hero straightened dramatically to face their enemy. Their face was famous the world over, their outfit famously scandalous. Though the arms and legs where heavily armored, their torso was basically covered with a red and white swimsuit with a little metal skirting. Nonetheless, everyone knew such shameless costuming was the sign of a true superhero, and so she was trusted the world over, hailed as the planet's savior! She was the Crimson Loli Warrior Of Twintails, TAIL RED!

"Tail Red-sama!" Kanji gasped, overcome by the shear cuteness.

"Tail Red-sama!" Rise agreed. "You've come to save me!" she cried from where she knelt as she finished slamming the last Ultiroid's head into the ground, knocking it unconscious.

Tail Red smiled confidently. "Don't worry everyone, I am here! Bat Guildy!" she cried. "Your evil streak of thievery is at an end! To avenge the idols whose twintails you've stolen and can never be returned, I– Hey! Don't run away from me when I'm going to kick your ass!"

"No way," Bat Guildy yelled back as he ran down the main road away from them. "Mama Bat Guildy raised no dummies! Curse you, Tail Red! We will meet again!" There was a flicker and he teleported away.

The Ultiroids took this moment to pull Rise off the one she was beating up and make a run for it, soon disappearing as well.

Rise immediately started crying. "Wah!" she cried where she'd fallen. "Kanji-kun! That was so scary!"

Carefully, Kanji got to his feet, mindful of the oil and marbles, and awkwardly patted her on the shoulder. "It's okay Rise-chan, It's gone, you're safe now– oof!"

Rise had glomped onto him, and was crying on the only part of his chest that conveniently didn't have oil on it. "But it was so scary! Thank you for coming to my rescue! Oh, but don't think this means I'm falling for you okay, my heart still belongs to sempai. But I like you as a friend!"

"I figured," Kanji said, still going red despite himself. No nosebleed though, which he was thankful for.

"Tail Red-sama!" Rise suddenly cried, turning around face now miraculously free of tears (as equally miraculous as how she put her face on the only part of Kanji's chest without oil on it), hands clenched girlishly in front of her, her expression one of admiration Kanji hadn't seen in a long time. "Thank you for coming to rescue me and riving off the big, mean space monster!"

Tail Red puffed herself up, her sword draped casually on her shoulder. "It's nothing, oneechan! All in a day's work for a superhero. I only wish I'd gotten here sooner. This was the first time I've actually while Bat Guildy was still around, and I think it was all thanks to you and your friend here. I'm sorry you were manhandled like that."

Rise shook her head. "No, it's not your fault. You definitely showed up to save me, so I'm grateful!"

Before Tail red could respond, there was a cry off to the side. "Hey! Stop flirting with the ex-idol you dummy! If there aren't any Elemerians around anymore then we need to go!"

Rise looked to the side. Standing there, in her out fit that was a blue rip-off of Tail Red-sama's, was the villainous Tail Blue!

Instinctively, Rise moved to impose herself between the two. "Don't call Tail Red-sama a dummy, you villain!" she cried.

"ARG!" the villainous Blue roared. "I'm not a villain, damn it! I'm part of her team! I'm a hero too! Look, look, we're wearing the same outfit! That's how you can tell we're teammates! Damn it, why do people keep assuming I'm some kind of evil villain?-!"

"Ara, ara, settle down Blue," Tail Red said, trying to calm down the undoubtedly treacherous girl. "We have to go, we'll be late for school."

"That's what I've been saying!" Tail Blue cried.

Rise gasped. "Ah! Kanji-kun, we have to hurry, we'll be late to school too!"

Kanji pointed at a familiar incoming car. "I think we're going to be late anyway Rise-chan. Dojima-san will probably want us to go to the police station with him."

"Police? Ah, that's our cue to leave," Tail Red said. "I'm glad you're safe miss!"

There was a flicker, and Tail Red and Tail Blue also disappeared the way the Ultimegil had.

The car came to a stop and the familiar face of Dojima-san, the busiest police detective in town now that he could no longer foist work off on his ex-partner who had turned out to be a serial killer, stepped out. "You again? Aren't you getting involved in weird things a little bit early? My nephew isn't due to be back for a few weeks yet."

"Hi Dojima-san," Rise greeted. "It's not our fault! A space monster attacked me on my way to school."

Dojima hung his head and sighed heavily. "This town used to be normal, you know. Come on, I'll take your statement and call the school to tell them you'll be late."

….

Afternoon

With Adachi off in jail, there should technically be no blabbermouths in the police department to wantonly babble off facts about cases to anyone close by to listen, but somehow the knowledge that Rise had been attacked by a space alien and rescued by a superhero had hit the school by lunch and was spreading to other portions of the town by the time school let out.

That made the Investigation Team's usual hangout at the Junes foodcourt a bit too public, so they went with their current backup of Dojima-san's house. The detective didn't mind, and Nanako was grateful for the company. They all made a point of visiting the girl at least once a week, but they hadn't visited as a group in a while and the little girl was glad to have them over.

"Wow!" Nanako said, wide-eyed as Rise related what had happened to her that morning. "You really met Tail Red this morning, Rise-chan?"

Rise couldn't help but smiling at the thing Nanako had chosen to take away from the story she had related. "Yup, I did. She came just in time to rescue me. Though it might have been too late if Kanji-kun hadn't been there to help."

"Wow, Kanji-san! Weren't you afraid that when you hit it nothing would happen and it would just say 'Foolish human, you're too weak to hurt me' and beat you up?" Nanako asked earnestly.

"…" Kanji said as he realized what she said.

"Well, thank goodness this was a monster weak enough for Kanji-kun to beat up," Rise said.

"Are you calling me weak after I saved you?-!" Kanji roared.

"That's surprising, given the precedent," Naoto said. "Before, all the monsters of Ultimegil have been so powerful only Tail Red and the other Twintails have been able to defeat them. For one to be so weak a normal human like Kanji could affect it… it's unprecedented."

"Hey!" Kanji protested. "Maybe the monsters aren't really strong at all, and everyone's just been too afraid to get close enough to whale on them?"

"Given the damage the news reports have shown them to be capable of inflicting when fighting Tail Red, that seems unlikely," the 2000 IQ Killjoy Crossdressing Detective said. "Perhaps this is one of those rare monsters that are weaker than the others but have a special gimmick that makes them really dangerous? You have those kinds of monsters sometimes."

"Naoto… how do you know what kind of monsters there are?" Chie said.

"I watched the original run of Featherman when it was out," Naoto said, voice vaguely challenging. "That was some of Soga Machiko-sama's best work." She bowed her head, as if partaking in a moment of respectful silence.

"…"

"W-what?"

"Naoto-san is unexpectedly nerdy," Yukiko said.

"To still watch Featherman at her age… " Chie nodded.

"I don't want to hear that from you, you kung fu maniac," Yosuke said blandly.

Naoto coughed, hiding behind her fist. "Besides, it was the original, so I was only a little kid at the time! It was age appropriate!"

….

Rise sighed, getting ready for school. The events of yesterday seemed so unreal. She'd really been attacked by a bat-headed space monster, saved by a superhero, and now… life was back to normal. There were probably concerned fans and loony stalkers (not necessarily different people) coming to set up camp around her house of out either genuine concern or just obsessive behavior (again, not mutually incompatible), but they weren't here yet, going by how quiet it was outside. Good, maybe she'd have time to ask Chie or Yukiko if she could stay at their place when the inevitable crowd showed up.

"Grandma, I'm going," she called out with one last look over her shoulder and ran into a carpet-covered brick wall. She bounced off with a horrifying sense of deja vu. She looked up.

Bat Guildy stared down at her. "I told you I'd be taking your Twintails Affinity to go, didn't I?" he said and pushed a large, ring-shaped device at Rise. It expanded, and her arms and legs were captured by some invisible force as she was held suspended in the ring's center. Energy rippled across her, and she let out a cry as something was taken from her, something important, something she didn't know could be taken…

The ring released her, and she collapsed to the ground, shaking, her hair falling loose around her neck.

"How odd. This usually knocks you humans out. Well, no matter. Thank you for your Twintails Affinity, human. You have made a great contribution to the victory of the Ultimegil Empire," Bat Guildy said. "Please accept this Junes Gift Certificate as compensation for your time."

And then they were gone, and Rise was left shaking on the floor, tears streaming from her eyes.

The gift certificate fluttering down to land on her head seemed an exclamation point to the injury.

….

- To be continued…

….

A/N: This is to 2814 what Super Sentai is to DC: the once removed sorta-cousin to Marvel. Yes, that's a very strange way of putting it.

Fair warning: This is a crossover. And I have no concept of 'moderation'. I consider that a limitation of people with lesser imaginations. That said, I'm trying to kick the habit, but it's damn hard. You have no idea how difficult it is to repress the urge to have them try and steal, say, Tsukino Usagi's twintails and the hilarity that will ensue.

I'm basing this on the anime, since translation for the LN is still fractured at this point.

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.