Chapter One: 3 am
Lorelai stared at the blinking screen of her alarm clock. The number 3.00 blinked at her, counting down the seconds with each flash, working its way slowly to 3.01.
It was the fourth night in a row that she had found herself awake at this time of the morning. Thinking about it now, it really wasn't that surprising that she was awake. She was getting so much sleep lately, that it made perfect sense that her sleeping patterns had gone a little haywire. Half the time she wasn't aware if it was day or night.
It was a blessing really, this non thinking. The last thing she wanted to do was think because with thinking came the memories and with the memories came the tears.
3.02
She wondered, just for a moment, if she should ring Rory then pushed that thought away. She knew that Rory would want her to ring, had in fact insisted that she phone her no matter what the time.
The truth was though that the last thing Lorelai wanted was to talk to someone.
To talk to anyone.
For the past month there always seemed to be someone around, someone in her house. Rory, Sookie, Miss Patty, Babette. The list just went on and on. She knew they meant well, fussing over her, not wanting to leave her on her own but God all she wanted was to be left alone.
To stay in this blissful, pleasant non thinking, non feeling stage.
To stay in her home and never, ever leave.
3.03
Staring at the clock she could see passed it to the clear night sky that was visible through the large gap where the curtains hadn't met. They had been like that for days now, hanging there only half closed. She knew she should've shut them properly nights ago but the want to do so just wasn't there. The want to do anything in fact, had left in what seemed to her in months if not years ago, when in fact it was only 3 weeks, 6 days and 16 hours when her world had come to a crashing stop.
Crashing, now that was funny...
3.04
The night sky really was beautiful, so clear and sharp and the stars seemed brighter. Had it been like this the night before?
She couldn't remember.
Couldn't remember anything really.
It was all just a blur. A maze of faces and voices, all blending into together. Occasionally fragments would pop into her head and she would suddenly remember something, tiny little things that were so clear and sharp that she wondered how she could have forgotten them in the first place.
She remembered a hand holding hers. A feeling of soft, smooth, silk like skin against her own and yet at the same time firmness. She was aware of the exact moment that it had gently taken her hand and clasped it in its own, not once letting go as she had stood there staring ahead.
The hand that held hers had been comforting.
Real.
It had been the only thing that she had been aware of as she had stood there, everything else from that moment left her. As the rest of the events had washed over her it carried on holding hers throughout it all. It was only at the end, when Rory with tears rolling down her cheeks had come down from the podium to slip her arm around her that she had for a moment looked down in surprise at the hand that was holding hers. Somewhere in the back of her mind had been the thought that it was Rory holding her hand, but that could not be if Rory was on the other side of her.
For a moment the fogginess had cleared as she had looked at the hand, her eyes travelling slowly up to see her mother, Emily Gilmore, staring ahead, her own eyes glistening with unshed tears, her face brave and strong.
3.05
It was a beautiful service. At least that's what everyone told her.
It was the only time that Stars Hollow had come to a complete stop. Every business in town had shut that day, with notices put on the doors letting outsiders know that the town was in mourning. No one could remember the church ever being so full, every seat was taken and those that could not find a seat had stood, lining the walls.
So many people, so many faces, yet she couldn't remember a single one.
3.06
Service.
Such a strange word to describe something that affected so many people in such a deep and personal way.
A simple word that didn't begin to convey all the feelings that went with it.
She couldn't remember most of it but that was okay, she didn't want to. It was too hard, too painful, she didn't want to go there, didn't want it to be the last thing she remembered of…. him.
For her it was just one of many events that made up all that had happened after.
After the crash.
After the end of everything she had ever known.
After she had lost one of her best friends.
After she had lost the man she loved.
After the death of Luke.
3.07
Deep down she knew he was gone. Yet all everywhere she went he was there.
She could see him so clearly. The baseball cap he always worn back to front, the plaid shirts, the stubble along his jaw. Hear the sound of his footsteps on the porch, hear his voice, the way he said her name. Smell his scent, a mixture of all spice and coffee beans and fresh air.
Luke was gone yet at times he felt so real she almost thought she could reach out and touch him.
He was everywhere and nowhere and it broke her heart just a little bit more every time she remembered that she was never going to see him again.
Luke was gone, gone forever and as the reality sank in tears slowly slid from her eyes, making a damp path across her cheeks and nose, seeping into her pillow.
Luke was gone and nothing was ever going to be the same again.
3.08