"I've lost who I am"
"I am sorry, Master Jedis, but there is nothing we can do."
He could feel his heart skipping a beat in his chest and he prayed that Anakin hadn't noticed his sudden lack of concentration. But the thought disappeared as quickly as it had entered his mind and instead he focused on the burned woman inside the room. A heroine. Burned. Dying.
He didn't want to think that. She could not be dying. Those words didn't rhyme, they didn't make sense, they blocked him.
"Can I see her?" Anakin asked shortly next to him. The nurse nodded and the younger Jedi walked into the room, leaving his old friend outside. For a moment, the Jedi Master felt stupid. He should have asked that, he should have walked into that room and said… goodbye.
But perhaps it was good that he hadn't walked inside. He wouldn't have managed to see yet another one of his friends, his loved ones, die in this cursed war. By staying outside, he thought that he might be able to shut it all out, focus on what needed to be done.
That focus broke the moment Anakin came back outside, his face dark as he stomped right by his friend and continued through the corridors of the Naboo hospital. From inside the room, Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi could hear the nurses declare the time of death for Senator Padmé Amidala.
"I can't understand"
They walked back to the warship they had arrived with, the Intervention, in silence. If the Palace of Theed hadn't been burned to the ground earlier that day, they would probably have stayed there. Now Anakin, who was three long strides before Obi-Wan, didn't even look at the ruins, obviously didn't want to see anything that could remind him of his love. Obi-Wan, on the other hand turned away from the main road and walked up to what was left of the once glorious palace, where Padmé Amidala had served as both Queen and Senator. Obi-Wan had known, and loved, her as both, though no one ever found out about it.
He walked through the ashes of the gardens and the burned and shattered pillars of stone. He'd dragged her out of here earlier today, praying that she'd still be alive when they reached the hospital, praying that they would be able to heal her.
She'd been trying to save the Queen Apailana, though she'd actually run straight into the hands of her awaiting death. Apailana was nowhere in the palace when the fire started, in fact she had been meeting the two Jedis onboard the Intervention during that time. But someone had told Padmé that Apailana had been in there.
Obi-Wan sank down on the ground and touched the ashes covering the stone. He just couldn't believe it, he couldn't imagine why someone would doom this beautiful Senator to such a cruel death. Or, in fact, he didn't want to understand. He didn't want to know who that person could possibly be. But that person should be watching his back constantly now, because Obi-Wan knew that even though he would be able to tell himself to be merciful and not seek revenge, he was not that sure about Anakin.
"My heart is so broken"
((earlier that day))
"Padmé, breathe!"
Obi-Wan yelled through the roar of the fires and explosions as he carried the severely burned woman out from the ruins. Blocks fell down all around them as new explosions started and he ran with her in his arms. His lunges were burning as well, due to the lack of oxygen left in the palace, but he ignored it completely. All he could focus on was getting her out, making sure she was safe, that she was alive.
He continued to run when he came out through the burned down doors and didn't stop until he found a place far away where he put her down. At once he checked for any signs of life.
"Padmé, please!" he yelled and coughed. His limbs were shaking, black spots appeared in front of his eyes, but he told himself to stay up. Stay awake, make sure she was safe and alive.
He bent down and covered her mouth with his, breathing into her, watching her chest rise and fall. Over and over again as he blew more air into her with a few seconds between each breath.
The steps of his friend came closer and then came to a halt somewhat behind him. Obi-Wan didn't turn, he just continued. He couldn't give her up. He just couldn't.
"Rejecting you, love without, love gone wrong"
((Obi-Wan; age 19))
"You are a Jedi, aren't you?"
He turned on the spot and had to look down when he realised that the one speaking to him was a small girl, probably around ten years old, with long brown hair and brown eyes.
"I am", he answered.
"You look really handsome", the girl continued. He blushed.
"Thank you, young lady", he said and made a slight bow, which made her giggle.
"I am Padmé Naberrie", she said after a while. "I am eight."
"Nice to meet you, Padmé", he said and sank down on his heels to shake the little girl's hand. "I am Obi-Wan Kenobi, I am nineteen."
"Is it true that Jedis do not know their parents?" Padmé asked after shaking his hand.
"Yes."
"That must be awful", the small girl said and cocked her head to the side. "Don't you miss them?"
"Since I have never known them, I can not miss them", Obi-Wan answered. "The Jedis are my family now."
She seemed to be thinking about this for a while, before she smiled.
"I can be your family!" she said. He wondered if she had not heard what he'd said earlier, then reminded himself that she was only eight years old.
"Now, that is not necessary."
"But I want to", she said and smiled widely. "You can be my brother! I haven't got a brother."
He sighed and rose.
"I am sorry, Padmé, but I have to leave."
She pouted at him, but nodded.
"I will come by tomorrow again!" she said and waved at him as he walked back to the Palace. "I love you, Obi-Wan!"
He stopped and turned around, but the surroundings faded away, as did her small figure. They turned into smoke and dust and fire…
With a gasp he sat up in his bed onboard the ship. This was the fifth nightmare during the last six nights after her death and the fifth time he heard her small voice telling him that she loved him.
"Lifeless words carry on"
He and Anakin walked past each other in silence during the days that followed. In fact, he never spoke to anyone, except for one time when he had to talk with the ship's navigator about where to go. That talk had been very short, though, as he had no instructions sent from the Temple to follow and he wasn't as focused as he could be during that day specifically.
Since the fire, he had spent his days meditating, trying to get over what had happened. He hated to wake up bathing in sweat as he relived the moments inside the burning palace every night and he believed that by sinking himself deeper into the Force, he would be able to go on, to forget about it, to push it away so that he could be focused once again. There was a war to win, after all.
Still, after every meditation, after every dream, it all became clearer and clearer. He started to remember every word she had ever spoken to him, from their first meeting when she was only eight years old to when he had last spoken to her, a few days before her death. If he did not count him yelling at her to breathe, to come back to him.
"Lifeless words carry on"
As time passed by on the ship, he stopped talking even to the crew. He merely nodded at them, made a gesture that told them to ask someone else, and they respected him. During one of his meditations he had remembered one other time when she had uttered those words, those three words that now haunted him every day. I love you, Obi-Wan.
The first time she had been only eight, she could not possibly have meant anything deeper than I-love-you-as-a-friend. But the second time she had been older, she had been wiser, she was a Senator at war.
The war with the Separatists hadn't lasted many weeks when Obi-Wan was sent to a meeting on Naboo. He wasn't expecting any kind of greeting when he put the ship down just when the sun sunk behind the trees, making the city gleaming in red, but there was someone there. His heart stopped when he saw her, it always did, but he always maintained his focus. He couldn't show anyone the truth.
"Master Kenobi", she said when he stepped out of the cockpit. He bowed slightly towards her.
"Senator Amidala", he answered. He cocked an eyebrow at her to ask her his unspoken question.
"I wanted to see that you made it here safely, I'd hate to see you killed on your way here", she answered. He nodded and smiled.
"I am very grateful for your concern, Senator."
"Obi-Wan, I have known you since I was eight, I think we're past formalities now", she said and laughed. He loved her laugh.
"Well, if you say so, Padmé", he said and smiled again. She nodded and they looked at each other in silence for a while.
"I should probably be heading back", Padmé said after a while. "Will you be alright?"
"Of course", Obi-Wan answered. "I wish you a good night's sleep."
"You too", she said and started to walk away. After a few steps, she stopped and turned towards him.
"I have always loved you, Obi-Wan", she said, before she started to run.
A roar interrupted his memories.
"The end's beginning"
He turned and reflexively ignited his blue blade to deflect Anakin's. The sudden move surprised him, but the dark gleam in Anakin's eyes gave him the answer; grief and jealousy. Anakin had wanted to be the one trying to save Padmé.
"Anakin, I can sense your… frustration", Obi-Wan said as he once again deflected his opponents blade. Anakin snarled.
"Hah! Look who's talking!"
Obi-Wan tried to make his friend loose the grip of his blade, but Anakin was too fast, too furious.
"For two days, all you've done is pace the corridors!"
Obi-Wan took a step back. Had he been completely silent for two days? It felt like an eternity. Anakin attacked again.
"I was hoping a sparring session would distract you", Anakin continued, his voice ironic. Obi-Wan felt a stab in his heart when he realised that what had happened on Naboo might have pushed Anakin over the edge.
Still, he was unable not to defend himself. Anakin could not be attacking him like this, thinking about nothing but his own grief; Obi-Wan's grief was just as big, he had the right to grieve as well.
"You should take my focus as an example", he said. At least, he had been trying to focus over the last few days, which was more than you could say about Anakin.
"Your head is still on Naboo", he continued. The fatal blow. Anakin roared and attacked again. The blades locked, they were staring at each other through the blue gleam.
"And you're still thinking about her!"
Obi-Wan lost concentration for a brief moment and Anakin kicked him in the stomach. How was it possible that Anakin had known? He must have known for a long time that Obi-Wan's love for Padmé was just as big, even bigger, warmer, than his own.
He tried to breath and watched through teary eyes as Anakin kicked away his weapon.
"I trusted you", Anakin hissed. "I trusted you and the Order!"
He kicked him again and Obi-Wan screamed in pain as a few of his ribs cracked under Anakin's booth. He didn't even try to defend himself.
"You betrayed me!" Anakin yelled and kicked him in the face.
"Who I am from the start,
Take me home to my heart"
The kicks kept coming, but Obi-Wan felt numb. He didn't feel anything anymore. Anakin had fallen, he was sure of that now. He had seen the darkness whirl around his friend to embrace him and take him away, and with both of them gone… what was left to live for?
A part of him told him that he had the Jedi Order, he had the Republic, he had to help those that were in peril thanks to the war.
But the other part of him told him that it was over. Even if he tried to fight for the Order, the Republic or the ordinary humans, he would be unable to do it. Because he wouldn't fight for love anymore. He would fight only for himself.
The numbness spread in his body, until he suddenly found himself soaring above himself, watching Anakin kick the bloody mess that had been him. And in that moment, he realised that he was dead.
His spirit slowly drifted upwards, up through the ceiling of the hangar, up through the ship, into space where he continued in a direction that he thought was upwards. He didn't move. He had nothing left down there anymore.
Then, as if he had soared directly into a star, white light engulfed him. And he could see her waiting for him. Her long, brown hair floating around her shoulders as she ran over to embrace him, and welcome him home. He looked down at her as he held her in his arms.
"Padmé", he said. She smiled and stroked his cheek.
"I love you, Obi-Wan."
And for the first time, he bent down and kissed her.
And that kiss would last for eternity, as all moments after your death will exist at once and one day, you will find yourself looking at you kissing the one true love as she healed your broken heart.