A/N: I have no idea what on earth made me write this. I'm not sure if it's a one-shot or if I'll continue. In any case, I hope you enjoy it! This is my first Pandora Hearts fanfic so if it fails that is the reason why. But I'll try to get better, I swear! Reviews are nice. :] Also, although everyone and their cousin might think I own PH, I don't. That awesome creation belongs to Jun Mochizuki.
Gilbert Nightray didn't understand why his head hurt so much. Nor, for that matter, why his bed seemed hard as cement. He opened his eyes; sunlight struck his pupils like a laser. He immediately shut them again, wondering why he had forgotten to draw his curtains last night. That had never happened before; if there was one good thing about him, it was his memory. However, sleep was all he wanted.
He rolled over, trying to get comfortable. What the hell? His ear felt like it grazed a rock. But that was impossible. His pillow was supposed to be there, soft and fluffy as it always was. Maybe he had gotten the flu, which explained why he felt so sore. Hadn't Sharon just recovered from it a while ago?
A breeze drifted over his bare legs and he stiffened.
Gilbert Nightray definitely did not sleep without pants on.
He shot up, eyes squinted against the sun. Break was at fault for this humiliation. When he got a hold of that damn clown he'd teach him a lesson. What kind of person stripped a guy down in such a vulnerable state? Everything came into focus slowly and Gilbert's jaw dropped.
This wasn't his room. He wasn't in bed. Trash cans surrounded him, and the stench of garbage invaded his nostrils. Horror flooded through his veins when he realized that he had passed out in an alley. The worst part was he had no idea how this had happened.
His gaze flickered down to his thighs.
A tiny whimper escaped his lips.
No pants, he had thought. Well, the legs were bare, but they weren't his. They were feminine. His gaze travelled past the white knee high boots, past an expanse of naked flesh, and stopped at a tiny black skirt. Gilbert felt his heard thud dully in his chest.
This had to be a nightmare.
"There you are!"
A voice proclaimed, both familiar and strange. But he couldn't tear his eyes away from the skirt. A chant of this is not happening threatened to break free from his lips, but he grew distracted. Something felt off about his chest. Without thinking, he reached out with both hands and pressed against it.
He had barely gotten a feel of soft flesh beneath... a ribbon? before someone screeched and yanked his hands away.
"You're disgusting, seaweed head! What do you think you're doing?"
Gilbert saw the strangest thing he had ever laid eyes on.
A man in a black trench coat glared down at him, golden eyes ablaze with fury. He stared and felt his own eyes widen in response. There was nothing quite like seeing yourself as everyone else saw you. His doppelganger dropped hold of Gilbert's hands suddenly, as if they were burning hot.
"What?" Gilbert managed to choke out.
The other him glared even more furiously. "Don' t try to pretend that you weren't trying to feel me up! I may be a chain, but I know that human boys like you have strange thoughts about those." A nod towards Gilbert's chest. "Touch any other part of me and I'll kick your ass. Got it?"
It couldn't be. There was no way. But...
"Alice?"
The doppelganger crossed its arms. "That's correct."
"Oh no." He held his hands up to his face. Girly hands. "Don't tell me..."
"Do I have to spell it out for you? We swapped bodies."
Gilbert buried his face in his hands, suddenly realizing that long brunette hair draped over his shoulders in curtains. This was the worst dream he had ever had. Being trapped in the body of that stupid rabbit? He couldn't wait until Oz burst into his room with a cheerful smile and woke him up. This time he wouldn't complain. He'd never complain about anything ever again once he woke up. He promised that to himself.
Something flicked his forehead and he recoiled backwards, holding himself up by his hands. Alice's hands? Everything made him so confused he didn't know where to start. Waking up would be a good first step.
The Alice in his body scowled at him. "This is all your damn fault. If you hadn't gotten in my way with that gun of yours, the chain wouldn't have had time to use its powers." She jabbed at him again. "Trying to prove to Oz that you aren't useless always backfires. Realize that, seaweed for brains!"
Vague memories flickered through his mind. There had been a call about a chain causing mayhem in town. He, Oz, and Alice had gone to exterminate it at Break's request. Something had gone wrong...the chain had been about to attack Oz...Gilbert had tried to intervene.
There had been a flash of blue light and afterwards darkness.
Oh, shit. Reality slapped him in the face.
"This can't be happening."
She—he couldn't think of Alice in his body as male, no way—smirked down at him. Gilbert hadn't realized his lips were even capable of that. He wanted to punch her in the face, but restrained himself. That would just be stupid. After all, he'd have to deal with the black eye once he got his body back.
"Get up." She nudged at him roughly. "It's humiliating seeing myself like that."
He obliged, taking as long as he could to do so without earning a kick.
"Am I standing?"
She narrowed her eyes at him. "Yeah."
"Oh. I couldn't tell. You're so short."
"You—!"
"How do we reverse whatever the chain did?" he asked. "There's no way we're returning to headquarters like this."
"That chain was small fry, so this will only last for three days at the most."
"Three days?" The hope in his chest shrivelled and died. "That's three days too ma—"
"I know already!" She glanced down at her pelvis region, a disturbed look on her face. "And then there's this...this thing between my..."
Gilbert could not let her go any further with regard to that.
"Someone needs to clean this place up." He began rubbing pieces of dirt off his legs. "I'm all mud—"
Her head snapped up. "Stop touching me!"
"Do you want me to walk around in your mud stained body?"
"No!" She stomped her foot. "I don't want you in my body at all! I especially don't want to be in your body." Alice gestured wildly at Gilbert's form that she now found herself occupying. "There is a feeling of utter weakness! This is so humiliating!"
Gilbert smirked, and found that his new lips seemed to do this without any effort.
"Seaweed head," he sang, unable to control himself.
Alice lunged at him and he managed to dodge her easily. Alice's body might be small, but it was quick. He laughed as she stumbled, nearly tripping over an empty bottle. This was oddly satisfying. A balcony loomed about ten feet overhead. Before Alice had time to turn, he had jumped up onto it.
She glanced around wildly before he made a coughing noise.
"Get down here, you useless, second rate, good for nothing servant!" she bellowed up at him.
Gilbert was about to reply when he suddenly realized he had forgotten something very important. The person he cared about more than anything in this world. Panic washed over him in waves. Everything seemed to turn red on the edges, but he shook his head and it cleared. Alice continued threatening him but he jumped down to meet her anyway in one graceful motion. Anger radiated towards him but he couldn't concern himself with that now. Gilbert had one priority only.
"What happened to Oz?"
She blinked. "I don't know."
"You should've stayed with him!"
"You're the servant," she retorted, "and a second class one at that! Besides, we teleported as some side effect of that blue light. Oz probably did too."
The pounding of his heart nearly drowned out her voice.
"I have to find him!"
Before he could run off, she grabbed him. Gilbert struggled for only a moment before realizing it was useless. In this body, he might be quick, but he was still a girl. And Alice had the power to manipulate him as she wished.
"Hold it right there."
"Let go," he said, not wanting to admit that her grip hurt. "I have to—"
"Stop being such a foolish idiot." She sighed. "Seeing myself behaving like that embarrasses me. Besides, do you want Oz to find us like this?"
Gilbert remembered the fact that he was in a skirt and fully equipped with girl parts. The thought of Oz seeing him like this...he felt himself flush. That would be all the reason he needed to run off and never show his face in public again.
"Stop going all red!" Alice ordered, despite blushing herself. "The second I get my body back I'm going to take a hot shower to get rid of the uselessness that has tainted it!"
"Same here," he replied.
They glared at each other, gold locked with violet, each daring the other to take a swing at themselves first, when they froze.
"Gil?" Oz called. "Alice?"
"Shit," Gilbert blurted out. "Shit, shit, shi—"
"Shut up!" Alice clamped a hand over his mouth. "Listen carefully, seaweed head. We have to act naturally. That'll be hard for me since I'm not used to being an idiot. But try not to talk. I'll handle this."
He nodded, unable to think of a better solution, and she released him.
Oz peeked into the alley; his jade eyes lit up at the sight of them.
"You're both okay!" he exclaimed, walking towards them. "I knew you would be, but that chain had some odd powers. I woke up blocks from where we fought it." He smiled at Alice. "Your aim back there was great as usual, Gil."
Gilbert almost thanked him but a sharp elbow in his side told him off.
"Thank you, master," Alice cooed.
Gilbert almost fainted. What was with that syrupy voice? Did he really sound like that when he addressed Oz? No, he most certainly didn't. That stupid rabbit was trying to made him out to be some simpering idiot.
But Oz gave her a sweet smile, one Gilbert had received many times.
Okay, so maybe he did sound like that. But only a little. Alice exaggerated it.
"You're the real hero, Alice." Oz turned to him. "You destroyed that chain as if it were nothing."
Gilbert's mind drew a blank. What would she say in a situation like this?
"I think she hit her head," Alice said, putting her elbow to good use when Oz wasn't looking. "She's barely said a word since we met."
Oz peered at him closely. "We should go home and let you rest."
Gilbert managed to shake his head, causing his new brunette locks to swish around his face. "I feel fine. In fact, I feel great. We don't need to go back." He realized with horror that he was babbling but couldn't stop. "In fact, we should stay out for a while. Maybe sleep at a hotel or something for a few days and hunt—"
"Stupid rabbit!" Alice growled. "We need to go back to headquarters!"
Play along or else, was the warning he read in her eyes.
He crossed his arms and tossed his head back, hoping this would work.
"No way!" he exclaimed. "I'm the invincible B. Rabbit! I don't need to rest like mere mortals do." He sneered at Alice, once again finding that these disdainful expressions came naturally. "But if you're tired, seaweed head, then go!"
"Whatever. Stupid rabbits just run on their idiocy, that's why," Alice retorted.
"Ah, don't fight!" Oz said. "We just had a battle."
They met eyes over his head and smiled in relief.
"Shall we go out to eat as celebration?" Oz added. "A new restaurant just opened."
Gilbert saw Alice grin widely at his suggestion and as she opened her mouth he realized that she was about to ruin it for them. This plan to act natural was well and good, but she lost her head around food. Oz would realize what was going on once she began ranting about meat. He took a breath, knowing that she would never let him live this down, but it was for their own good.
Gilbert burst into maniacal laughter.
Alice appeared startled at first, shoulders tensed, but soon relaxed.
"What's the matter now?" Alice asked.
"I need meat!" Gilbert proclaimed, throwing out his arms and feeling like an idiot. "Chicken, lamb, turkey—all of it! In a sandwich where the bread slices are bacon!"
Oz chuckled. "Glad you still have your appetite."
"It's amazing how you look so good even after all the food you chow down," Alice added, seeming unable to resist praising herself.
Gilbert's eyes nearly rolled back into their skull at her unrelenting ego, but he answered with, "And you never look good, so I'm the winner here!"
They bickered some more before Oz intervened; soon, they were on their way to the restaurant. Gilbert felt his stomach growl. As they passed vendors, he realized that he could make out all kinds of different scents. Alice had some interesting abilities. If all the food smelled this tempting, then he could see why meat was so appealing to her.
He smiled to himself. Huh. Imagine that, understanding the rabbit girl a little more.
Maybe the next three days wouldn't be so bad after all.