Halo: Combat DE -Evolved
Far away, but sort of close by, there is a galaxy that is the behind planet earth. People say it's the butt crack of all galaxies. The thing we're talking about is planet P3N15 There were two Spartans who sucked so badly, that they couldn't even hit a target with a rocket launcher. So, they were banished to the planet P3N15 along with the other failed experiments. They were known as Rock Broly15 and Johnny11223344. They are... the chosen ones. Join us now, for epic adventure, intimate action, sexy romance, and the unmasking of the Master Chief...
One beautiful day, a gentle rainstorm of acid drifted down upon the happy planet of P3N15. Rock and John sat outside having a nice tasting beer. They were definitely NOT gay despite being the only two humans within a hundred miles, thanks to grunts gone wild on the internet. Rock said "Johnny, how long have we been sitting here?"
"Goo goo gajoob?"
"Are you listening to that damn album again? They have been dead for more that five hundred years!"
"Dude, you are NOT normal if you don't like these songs. EVERYBODY LOVES THESE SONGS!"
While John was talking, Rock threw an empty beer can over the edge of the hill. Out of nowhere, they heard a high pitched scream, and then a plop on the ground. John looked over.
"Ho-Ly-SHIT! ROCK YOU JUST KILLED A GRUNT!"
"OH MY GOD! I just became a CAPTAIN!" Yelled Rock.
"No, you didn't. You have to do something else to be a captain."
"Oh. Well you suck" said Rock.
They sat there looking at the grunt that was bleeding from all open areas on his body that gave the two something to look at instead of porn and the Beatles all day.
"So now what?" said John.
"Let's Fire our guns in the air like drunk hobos!"
"Okay" said John in a kind way.
They started shooting in the air and blew up a flying purple thing in the air.
It came from the enemies' base that had the biggest army in the galaxies but they were to stupid to use the radar. Because little did they know, John and Rock were guarding the most precious source of alien weaponry in all of the known universe. They were just too stupid to know how to get through the vault. And the funny part, the aliens were clueless that Rock and John were there, and they could easily steal what they need.
In the headquarters of the enemy base an elite said to the leader "Uhh... sir. Banshee five just went down."
"How?" said the commander.
"Well, if we had a RADAR, we would have known. But since you're so cheap, we have NO IDEA what happened to that FIVE MILLION DOLLAR BANSHEE."
"Are YOU using a harsh tone with me, Sargent?"
"How you became commander is beyond me..." Said the elite.
"Sent two more banshees out there to see what happened to banshee number five."
One Mile away, back with our heroes, Rock was saying,
"Hey, Johnny. You know what time it is?"
"What?" asked John.
"It's PARTY TIME!"
"How does THAT work?"
"Like THIS!!!" They both took off all their armor and their pants, but they still had on their helmets. They jumped out the door and ran toward the banshee in their underwear.
"Hey, Rock!" Said John. "Remember that door we can't get through? Well, I've got an idea!"
"What's your idea, John?"
"Well, I have a theory. You have an ass tattoo that says 'gay' and I have an ass tattoo that says 'Lesbo'."
"Yeah, so?"
"So," John explained, "Maybe if we type in 'gay lesbo' The door will open!"
"THAT MIGHT WORK!" yelled Rock at the top of his lungs. So they rushed to the door, but on the way, Rock's underwear fell down to his ankles and he tripped and fell into a thorn bush.
"Are you okay?" John called.
"Yeah!"
"Okay!"
"Yeah!"
"Okay!"
"YEAH, JOHN! I'm O-FUCKING-KAY!"
Well, they finally got to the vault and Rock typed in "Gay Lesbo" but he misspelled it so John typed it in, and a picture of the hottest and sexiest girl in the world came up, but she was wearing clothes, so it really meant nothing to either of them.
"Well that sucks." Said Rock.
"Hey, Rock!" Said John. "I have another idea."
"What?"
"You know have I have a tattoo on my chest that says 'flaming' and you have a tattoo on yours that says 'Pingai'?" Well maybe if we type in 'Flaming Pingai' It will open." John typed in "Flaming Pingai" and the door slowly opened. Inside of the vault was just a shotgun. But this one was gold and the handle was rusted. Rock approached it like Indiana Jones approached the golden idol. He carefully lifted the shotgun which felt like it was made of plastic and uttered in a voice that sounded like he had been exposed to every illegal substances in the world, "The most ultimate alien in the universe." He picked it up.
"I wonder how this thing fires..." Rock pulled the trigger expecting some huge particle beam to come out. Instead, the world famous song "Never gonna give you up" by Rick Astley started playing. Rock had been rickrolled.
"I have found the aliens' weakness!"
So they got in the banshee, after getting all their armor back on and went for and invasion. They hopped out and were immediately surrounded by alien guards armed with needlers.
"Beware!" Shouted Rock. "For I possess a weapon capable of destroying you all!" He pulled the trigger.
"Never gonna give you up... never gonna let you down..."
"Ahhhh!" the aliens shouted. "It burns!!!!"
They all started being vaporized by the power of Rick, and their bloody remains scattered around the room. John and Rock found this hysterical and started running around pulling the trigger like madmen. This is because they were mad, that is they were insane. Then they headed up to the elite commander. John pulled the trigger, but then he realized that the commander had on headphones.
"Don't worry, John, I got this one!" said Rock. All of a sudden Rock yelled "PINGAS" and a bulge came out of his pants and hit the commander, which sent him flying out the window.
"Good job!" Said a voice from behind. Rock didn't know that this was Johnson and he Pingas blasted him out the window as well.
"Dude, we ROCK!" Yelled John. "High five!"
Meanwhile, both Johnson and the alien commander landed in the desert. Then a gun landed between the two of them from nowhere. "Oh shit..." They both said.
The End.
p.s Stay tuned for chapter two!