Title: Bleeding Lust

Author: Mishka

Summary: Dean discovers Sam's way of dealing with their lifestyle and the pain when it gets too much. Sam trys to help Dean understand.

Warnings: slash, Wincest, self-harm and maybe some disturbing imagery, or hot depending on your disposition lol

A/N: Ok, so this is my first shot at writing a Wincest fic. I'm really nervous as to how this will be responded to but fingers crossed that you guys won't come and try to lynch me, lol! Reviews and constructive criticism would be highly valued but please don't flame. The warnings are stared above so if you don't like, don't read.

Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural or the Winchesters. But with any luck I'll have my very own '67 Impala sitting up the driveway sometime this coming year :)

Dean Winchester unlocked the door one handedly to the motel room he and his little brother, who was also his lover, were currently crashing in. In his other hand was a box of donuts and two takeaway coffees precariously balanced on top. He entered the room, ignoring the dirty clothes strewn around the place and put the coffee and donuts on the table in the corner of the room.

"Sam?" he called out. A quick look around informed him that the bathroom light could be seen poking out from under the closed bathroom door, "Sam?" he called again when he got no response.

"Yeah. Give us a sec!" Sam yelled from inside the bathroom. Sam was panicking. Dean had come back earlier that he'd expected and now he was in deep shit. The young hunter frantically wrapped the gauze around his bleeding left arm. He put the knife he had used to make the shallow, almost medical precision cuts from just above his wrist to his elbow in the sink and turned the water on high hoping it would wash the blood off it while he finished repacking the first aid kit he had bought into the bathroom with him.

Sam Winchester was a cutter. There was no other way to say it. When things got to much he liked to take a blade to his skin and watch his problems seep out from him with his blood. His brother didn't know. And he wasn't going to ever let him know. Hell their lives were all kinds of crazy but he still didn't want to see the look in his brother's, his lover's eyes, if he ever found out. He had stupidly miscalculated how long Dean was going to be out and now he was paying for it. 'Shit shit shit shit!'

"You know if you needed to jerk off you could have just asked. Hell I'd have done it for you." Dean half-joked. He was a bit unnerved by the tone of voice his brother had used. It was his 'uh oh, busted' tone and it always meant trouble. When the only sounds coming from the bathroom were the running water and small thumps Dean was getting more worried, his hunter instincts telling him something was wrong. He moved to the door leant against it,"Sam?" he asked as he tried to open the door. Locked.

"I'm coming!" Sam yelled as the door knob rattled. He threw the bloody towel he had used into the clothes hamper, the first aid kit into the mirror cabinet. He quickly put his jacket on and then put the hunting knife he had used down the back of his pants. The cold metal pressing against his lower back giving him the strength he needed to open the door.

"You came without me?" Dean asked with a dirty grin when he opened the door. Sam smirked at his lover and leant into the kiss Dean pulled him bodily into. When the kiss ended Dean chucked, "It's alright. You just owe me one." He slapped Sam's hip affectionately and retreated back to the table where the hot coffee and donuts were waiting. It had taken him long enough to find a Starbucks Café as requested by Sam. Well actually, it would have taken him even longer if he hadn't noticed the brand-spanking-new Starbucks which was a hell of a lot closer than the one Sam had recommended which was basically in the next town. Either way it had been a pain in the ass to get the coffee and now he had it he intended to drink it.

Sam let out a sigh of relief. Dean hadn't noticed. Of course his brother thought he had been jacking off but that was better than the alternative, the truth. Sam followed his brother to the table and plopped into the chair opposite him. He reached for his coffee and swallowed the hot liquid. God coffee was good. Coffee and a blade, just damn. That's what he needed after the last hunt. Maybe a blowjob from Dean and he would be on top of the world. He sighed, still in his post cutting euphoria and leant back into his chair. He winced slightly when the knife dug into his flesh but he wasn't going to do anything about it, not while Dean was still around to see. As it is he still had to re-wrap his arm and fix up the first aid kit properly without Dean noticing.

Dean eyed him, his pink frosted donut halfway to his mouth but said nothing. As he studied his younger brother he took in Sam's glazed eyes. He knew that look in Sam's eyes. When they were glazed like that it was usually in desire and the thought made Dean's cock twitch in his pants. There was something else though, something he only rarely saw and he couldn't pin it down.

Sam noticed Dean's eyes glaze over slightly. Damn Dean looked hot when he had that look on his face. It made Sam just want to grab him, throw him over the table and fuck him senseless. Or the other way around, it really didn't matter to him. Cutting always left him feeling blissful and horny a crazy combination if you threw in the fact that Dean already called him a nymphomaniac. He smiled suggestively and looked down as he took a sip of his coffee. Needing to taste something sweet Sam reached forward to grab one of the donuts from the box. It was only when he heard Dean's sharp intake of breath did he realized what a mistake it was. He quickly pulled his jacket sleeve down but it was too late. Dean had already seen the bloody gauze.

"Sam? What happened?" Dean asked instantly, the glazed look in his eyes already gone. He stood up and reached for Sam's arm only to be rejected the touch as the younger hunter snapped it back to himself.

Every explanatory Sam knew ran through his mind as he held his arm protectively to his chest and stood, backing away from his brother, "It's nothing."

"The hell it's nothing! You're bleeding. Now let me see your arm Sam!" Dean said, his voice annoyed at Sam's refusal but mostly laced with concern.

"No it's fine. Seriously." Sam said, still backing away as Dean advanced. He backed up until he hit the wall and could go no further, feeling like a trapped animal.

"Sam. Let. Me. See. It. Now." Dean said and his tone gave no room for argument.

Sam knew then. Knew that he had lost, his secret was out. God he'd protected it for so long and now it was out. His stomach clenched and he felt physically ill, Dean was going to hate him. He was going to tell Sam what a freak he was and leave. His brother, lover and best friend was going to leave him all alone. He broke, the tears running silently down his face as he sobbed out a quiet, "I'm sorry." Then he extended his arm to Dean.

The older hunter was shocked by his kid brother's sudden break down and was worried as hell. He carefully took Sam's arm and rolled up the jacket sleeve to expose gauze wrapped sloppily, or hastily Dean realized, from Sam's wrist to elbow. There was blood oozing through the white bandage in thin lines on the inner of Sam's arm and it didn't take a genius to put his brother's break down and these wounds together to figure out what had happened. Still when he unwound the bandage and was faced with the undeniable proof of what his brother had done to himself he couldn't help the tears that welled behind his eyes. God his baby brother had cut himself.

Sam could no longer hold himself up and slid to the floor taking Dean with him, "I'm sorry. Please don't leave me. I'm so sorry." He whispered brokenly as a mantra.

"Why Sam?" Dean whispered, still holding his brother's arm.

"Because it helped. It helped with the pain Dean. Oh god please don't leave me."

Dean couldn't take seeing Sam in pain like that any longer. He wrapped his arms around his brother's shaking form and rocked him softly, "I'm not going to leave you. I could never leave you Sammy." He whispered in the younger boy's ear.

After a few minutes Sam's sobs died down and his breathing evened out. He was lax in Dean's arms, enjoying the feeling of safety they bought him. It was instantly missed when Dean pulled away.

"I'm just going to get the first aid kit Sammy. I'll be right back, I promise." He said as he stood up. At the broken look on his brother's face he crouched back down again and leaned in pressing his lips against Sam's. The kiss was slow and passionate and tasted faintly of salt from Sam's tears and faintly sweet from the donuts. When it ended Dean stood back up, "I'll be right back."

Sam watched his brother leave the room. He was just going to grab the first aid kit and be right back he kept telling himself. However the other little voice in his head told him that Dean was going to get in the Impala and run. Why the hell would he want a freak for a lover, someone weak as him as his brother? Sam let out a relieved sigh when Dean came back into the room carrying the first aid kit.

Dean sat down next to Sam and pulled out the antiseptic cream, and some fresh gauze. Sam watched quietly as his brother fixed his self inflicted wounds without comment. When he was done Sam leant against Dean so they sat shoulder to shoulder. His arm stung but he knew it was just the antiseptic cream doing its job of fighting off infection. He closed his eyes and sat there quietly, not knowing what to say. Apparently he didn't have to as Dean spoke first.

"How long have you been doing this Sammy?" Dean asked.

"A few years. I started in college." He answered.

"Why?"

"Because I missed you so much. It was hurting me and I had to do something to stop the pain. It was originally an accident, I was playing with the knife you gave me, you know the one with the curved blade, and I accidentally cut myself. It kinda just progressed from there." He said solemnly. He was still unable to wrap his mind around the fact that Dean hadn't left him.

"It helps you?" Dean asked.

"Yeah it does." Sam said quietly. There was silence for a few moments as Dean absorbed the new information before he spoke again.

"I don't understand." He whispered, almost brokenly. God how he wished he could understand how hurting himself could help his little brother.

Sam winced at the knife in the back of his pants. The damn thing was jabbing him and it was becoming intolerable. He reached behind him with his non bandaged hand and pulled it out. He sat looking at the blade glitter in the soft light of the motel room before an idea struck him. He turned to look at Dean who was openly studying his face. Sam wanted Dean to understand and he knew Dean wanted it too. So carefully he took Dean's arm and laid it in his lap. He looked to his brother and asked silently for permisson.

Dean nodded. He trusted his brother with his life and he would trust him with this too. Sam leaned towards him and captured his lips in a kiss. Their tongues roamed around each others in the dance of two passionate lovers, battling for control. The cold metal bit into his flesh as Sam drew the blade across his inner arm. Only a small cut, barely drawing blood but it did sting and he hissed into the kiss. They didn't stop though. The kiss continued and there was again, the stinging of the knife on his inner arm. Deeper this time as he could feel the blood dribbling down his skin.

Lack of oxygen was the only thing that made the brother's break the kiss. When Dean looked at his arm he saw five perfect cuts, each one a little deeper than the last. It was a sick realization when he realized that he was getting turned on by this. In fact, judging by the straining bulge in his pants, very turned on. Looking at his kid brother told him that Sam was even more turned on that he was.

Sam almost came in his pants when his brother moved him so he was lying on the motel floor, pressed his body hard against him so that he could feel Dean's arousal and growled, "More." in his ear. He nodded shakily. This felt like a dream. He had cut himself at least twice while kissing Dean and it had been unlike anything he had ever felt before. It made his heartbeat race and his eyes glaze over, not to mention make his skin hot and his cock rock hard. Dean wanted this, his lover was enjoying it as much as he was.

Dean grinded his cock against Sam's through their pants and shivered with craving when a moan escaped his little brother's lips. He forcefully crushed his lips against Sam's. Stopping the kiss suddenly he pulled off his jacket and t-shirts and threw them on the floor. He nodded at Sam to do the same as he quickly removed his jeans. He wasn't wearing boxers – having a nymphomaniac as a lover meant it was usually pointless – and his hard cock sprang free.

The younger hunter was just about to unbutton his jeans when his brother slapped his hands away. Dean grabbed the knife from the floor, where it had rested while Sam had taken the clothing off his top half, and smiled devilishly at Sam before putting the blade into the top of his jeans and pulling it down, doing it again on the other pat leg, effectively cutting Sam's pants right off him. Sam shivered as the blade made slight contact with his legs, no doubt on purpose. Dean's darkened eyes told him everything he needed to know. This was going to be quick, dirty and probably painful. And god that's right what Sam fucking wanted.

However as Dean positioned himself between Sam's legs, Sam remembered something. He was trying to make Dean understand why he had been cutting. This was his game, his rules and it meant he was in control. Dean be damned.

So Sam put his hand on his brother's chest and pushed him back. He smiled predatorily at the slightly shocked look in Dean's eyes before he pounced onto his brother, sending Dean flat on his back with Sam now positioned between the older hunter's legs. Dean grinned up at him and it was just so Dean he almost laughed.

Sam reached around the floor blindly for the knife. He smirked as his hand came into contact with the sharpened steel. With one hand he made a shallow small cut across Dean's chest as he pushed a finger into his brother. Dean gasped at the sudden pleasure and pain that had his back arching slightly. He hissed when Sam made another cut just above the last one as he pushed another finger into Dean. Sam looked down at his brother, Dean had his eyes closed and he was panting as Sam stretched him out, making him ready for his solid cock. As he pushed another finger in, he leant forward and bit Dean's sensitive nipple softly eliciting a small whimper of pain.

That was it. Sam couldn't take it anymore. His cock was pounding with his heartbeat and crying out for release. He pulled his fingers out of his lover and ran his hand over Dean's cock, getting some of the pre-cum he spread it over his own length as a substitute for lube. He angled his hips so that the head of his cock was pressing at Dean's entrance. Sam looked down into Dean's eyes and saw only trust and love there. Taking the knife he cut into Dean's chest, this cut deeper than all the rest, at the same time he entered his brother with one thrust that had Dean biting his lip and arching his back with a groan.

Dean gazed up at Sam. His Sammy who was pumping faster and deeper than he ever had before while making small cuts to Dean's flesh here and there when he felt like it. This was a side of his brother he has never seen and as disturbing as he should find it, it only turned him on more. His cock now so hard it hurt, he reached down to stroke it but his hand was hit away by Sam who shook his head.

Sam stopped for a second knowing Dean was going to love what he had planned, bent Dean's knees and lifted them a little higher so he could thrust deeper. He angled his hips and hit in brushing past Dean's prostate. He knew when he hit it because Dean arched his back, hands gripping uselessly at the carpet in a desperate need to hold onto something. Smiling like the Cheshire Cat, Sam reached down and stroked Dean's cock with one hand as he made his deepest cut yet into the palm of Dean's hand before turning the knife one handed so he held the blade and doing the same to himself. He grabbed Dean's bleeding hand and held it with his own, fingers intertwined and blood mixing together. Oh god he was going to come. He pumped and stroked Dean harder wanting his brother to come with him.

When Sam wrapped his large hand around his length, and began pumping, that with the thrusting of Sam's cock against his prostate and the stinging of the cut in his hand had Dean's eyes rolling into the back of his head and him almost blacking out from sensory overload. He squeezed Sam's hand in his own. Panting he couldn't control his pleasure anymore and he came, hard and fast all over his stomach and Sam's hand.

As Dean came he clamped onto Sam's cock and the young hunter gave one more good thrust before he too came, screaming Dean's name as he spilled his seed inside his older brother. He dropped the knife away from them and collapsed boneless on top of his panting lover.

Dean was whispering under his breath repeatedly and it took Sam awhile to realize he was chanting, "Thank you. Thank you. I love you Sammy, thank you."

Sam rolled off Dean, afraid he might be crushing him and laid on his back next to his brother who was still trying to get his composure back after the nerve singeing orgasm he had just had. He waited the several minutes that Dean needed to get his mind working again before rolling to his side and propping himself up in his arm. He gazed down at his sweat covered brother. There were random bloody lacerations marring his skin now and his pupils were contracted and glazed in post orgasmic bliss. Sam himself felt better than he had in ages and couldn't help it when he asked, "Now do you understand?"

Dean turned his head to face Sam, not having the energy to move more than that yet before whispering a quiet, "Yes."