Hello everyone, I am back I guess? I have a newfound love for Lost Girl and this episode inspired me. Whilst writing this, I was listening to a song by In Oceans - Moon Teeth. I would recommend listening to this song whilst reading it. This is rough but ya. Follow me on twitter ggazingstars for updates on my life hahaha. Reviews would be greatly appreciated, enjoy!

As she lay in my arms, on my chest, I watched as she breathed the air around us; taking one more breath closer to the end. As do I, also. I'm not talking about impending doom that may be about to come crashing through my rickety door to end life as we know it, but more the end as a metaphor. One day, one miserable shit day, this will all end. She will die and so will I (or vice versa). Either way, I will die twice. The essence of me the first, and physically the second.

Breathing the air around us feels like breathing liquid - the air is thick. As thick as blood. Perhaps thickened by our messy feelings.

I don't know how she can do it, breathe. She is strong and I admire her. I admire the way her chest can still rise and fall after all that she has been through: after all that I have put her through. How can she stand to be in this world with me? How can she stand to be cradled in my arms? I am a monster. Something so beautiful, so smart and delicate deserves more.

I don't deserve her - she is like god, and I: the devil.

I love the way she feels around my body. If I hadn't killed Nadia, and therefore a part of Lauren, she wouldn't be here. She wouldn't be so sad. It's all my fault. If I hadn't killed Nadia, maybe this pain storming through our bodies would not exist - in this form anyway. Maybe she would be okay. Maybe I would be okay. Happy.

But then again, we would be incomplete.

How had I managed to let myself get away? Where has my control gone? Has love impaired me?

I could run, like I used to. But do I want to? Can I? Leaving Lauren - fleeing from my problems (like a coward)- would mean leaving a part of me behind. Am I ready for that? (Will I ever be ready?)

Running my fingers across Lauren's bare skin has answered for my brain: no. No, I am not ready. I physically cannot leave her side. This bare simple contact has left the tips of my fingers dancing in fire alone.

I am going crazy for her... and happily so at that. I can't control my mind, my thoughts. My body loves her; my everything loves her. My body is in blissful sadness, my mind is in blissful sadness right at this moment. But my heart? Her heart? It's far from it.

She's lost someone she loved. Loves. Does she love her? Did she love her? At this, my fingers - to their own accord - break the contact. Instantly, our breathing stops - hitches. I regret it. I miss her touch already, even if her body cannot be any closer to mine. My body is angry, or more accurately, jealous. Why did she have to love Nadia? Why do I have to love Lauren?

I'm so sorry Lauren. I'm sorry that the world is so ugly, I'm sorry that fate hates us. I am forever under your control and I will keep you safe, even if it means killing your girlfriend, if she means you harm. Even though she didn't. It was the stupid fucking Garuda and I wish it never happened.

Sickly, a tiny part of me is happy. Happy that someone died? No. I'm happy that you're safe, that I was able to keep you safe.

I'll never forget those words you said, muttered, or the look you gave me. I will never be able to shake the doubt off my mind that you love her more than you have ever loved me. More than you will ever love me. I will never forget the pain I saw in your eyes as I left you. Alone. To run to Kenzi. I'm sorry, I'm sorry I wasn't brave enough. But I am now.

You were so in love with her and it hurt to watch you love someone else but me. Yet I would never have willingly hurt her because she made you happy. I had to Lauren. She was going to kill you. The hurt of watching you love her couldn't compete with you... you were also you and i couldn't help but still love you. Can anything compete with you? No. I don't know how or why I love you this much, but I do.

As we lay here for what seems like forever, soaking in our anxieties, not speaking but merely breathing and crying, time seemed to stop. Trapping us and capturing us in our most vulnerable. Keeping us safe, perhaps? Every tear you shed not only soaked me in your unhappiness (which had been rather guiltily caused by me), but also burned my skin. Scorching acid would have felt a relief on my skin compared to your tears. As I have said, my body loves you, a hell of a fucking lot, and so these tears you shed on my body leave me raw and open.

As I lay here totally engulfed in sadness, I realise I would rather be here with you regardless of the situation than anywhere else with anyone else. I belong with you. I don't know where to go without you. You are my sun, my earth, my reason.

"I'm sorry." I whisper breathlessly.

I am not drowning. I am merely basking. We will get through this or so help me.