One night only

It's one night only and she can't seem to cope with it.

Frustration. Frustration about herself, her clenching heart and her swirling mind. It's humming through every part of her body, from her scalp to her toes, keeping her awake, refusing her to rest.
And awareness. Awareness of him, the place he took in her heart, overfilling her mind with thoughts about love, about him. It's making her body yearn for the heat of his in an unhealthy way, setting her nerves on fire, driving her crazy.

Kate huffs and turns around, lying on her stomach now, feeling her hipbones pressing into the soft bed underneath. She grabs the cold pillow on her right side and smashes her face into it, a silent and short scream leaving her lungs but making her feel better for a moment.
It's only one night. She talked to him a few hours ago over the phone. He was fine, getting himself ready for bed, moaning about the stiff sheets in his hotel room. And Alexis is with him. In Montreal, which is just Canada, for God's sake. And it's only for one night. He's safe.
But she isn't. It's one night, but it's too much. Throwing her back in time, bringing back memories, which are still too fresh to leave her unaffected. It's all present again. Those 6 weeks of sleepless nights and angsty days. Missing him, fearing the worst and hoping for the best, crying, grasping for straws and clinging to the roof like one fateful day ago. When she found sleep eventually, her body too weak to fight against it, she often dreamed about it. Dangling, screaming for him, falling, burning and awakening from the terror of it. It still happened after he was back but now she can't do this anymore. Going back there, alone, awakening to an empty bed instead of his calming body and soothing words, giving her a tight hug and whispering love into her hair until she falls asleep again.

A glance at the clock on the bedside table tells Kate it's far too late to find enough rest until she has to go to the precinct tomorrow. She hates herself for being so needy, hates him a little bit for it too, because she's never been or felt like this before. Just like she hasn't been a cuddler before him. It started during her time in DC, realizing how much she's able to miss him, yearn for him, how much she needs and loves him really. Since then she worshipped his presence more, always wanting to be near, feel him somehow, smell him, calming her like no one else ever could. And after the summer, the six longest weeks of her life, it's been hopeless. Kate knows that Castle could tell the difference, but he never called on her for it or refused it to her. Maybe because he just feels the same, maybe because he knows her, in that way only lovers do.
She turns around again, thinking about moving to his side of the bed and shaking her head over herself for it. She knows it wouldn't change anything, it doesn't make a difference because he's still not there and his bedside doesn't bring her nearer to him. Just like it doesn't make a difference that she spends the night at the loft despite his lack of presence. But spending the night alone in her apartment again was an unbearable thought, not after everything, not after this summer.
In the end it's all just a wicked game that her own mind is playing on her. Kate is aware of that and still she is not able to turn it off. Stupid. And frustrating.

Her phone screen reflects the light of the moon shining through the window and she can't help it anymore. It's worth a try. He will understand. Although she doesn't want him to feel bad, but it's not like it's his fault really. It's her own and he's the only one who could take her off the edge and make her feel better, calm her nerves so that she could sleep, at least for the last remaining hours.
Kate unlocks the screen and presses her thumb over his name. She's feeling nervous, the strain of the past hours coiling in her, making her blood rush and reaching its peak.

"Kate?" Castle answers the phone before the third ringing tone. His voice is sleepy but his tone is wide awake.

She smiles, a heavy breath leaving her lips. She didn't notice holding it while waiting for him to pick up. "Hey Castle," she whispers.

"Can't sleep?" he asks calmly, his deep voice nearly vibrating through the speaker.

Kate closes her eyes. "No," she answers honestly. "I'm restless," and after a short pause, "I miss you."

He chuckles lightly, bringing her down just like that, but his tone is serious when he speaks, "I'm here. And I'm going to be back in less than 12 hours."

"Yeah, I know," she sighs. Of course she knows, she kept telling herself the same thing the whole time. But it's not the same as if he says it, reassuring her heart and her mind, making her feel tired suddenly.

"Try to find some sleep. I'm staying on the line, not going anywhere, Kate," Castle's breath hushes soothingly over her and she hums in agreement.

Laying the phone next to her head, her body's finally getting heavy. She knows that they're going to talk about it the next night, that he's going to want to make up for it and that she's going to reassure him then, telling him that it's not his fault. But for now they're good, she's good and he's good, his steady breath giving her all she needs right now.

"I miss you too," comes silently over the speaker, the words washing over her body and carrying her into sleep.

In the end it's one night only.

Thanks for reading!
This is the first time I've published something, it just came to my mind and I wrote it down. I'm not a native, so please excuse any language and grammar mistakes.
Still I would really like to hear your thoughts. Please feel free to comment, constructive criticism is always welcome.