Author's Note: I haven't written anything in a year, but I'm really looking forward to getting back into writing. I have removed my VOY story 'New Parameters' because it was causing me more stress than happiness, so I'm sorry for anyone following that and being disappointed in me. I hope this one will please you. It is set after Voyager's return, and I have no idea where it is going. We'll see, come on the journey with me.

On The Outside Looking In.

"Excuse me for a while,

Turn a blind eye

With a stare caught right in the middle

Have you wondered for a while

I have a feeling deep down

You're caught in the middle?"

~London Grammar - Strong

Chapter 1. Glass Wall

Like always, he was careful. Choosing his position not too close to the apartment, but close enough so he had a good view of the big windows of her apartment.

He knew she would be home, he'd seen her leave Headquarters for the day. It's one of the reasons he was here again in the first place. Unable to stay away from her, but unable to be close because he was a coward, he was doomed to be on the outside of her life. His place inside of it had been taken. However, he didn't blame her. It was his fault for letting her do this to them.

Standing here, concealed behind a large pillar and some shrubbery, he felt like a fool. Being reduced to a lonely man who had to spy on the woman he loved was not something he had seen coming. His heart jumped a little and betrayed him when he saw her appear from behind her curtains. He was getting over her, right? That's what he kept telling himself, and it was the only thing keeping him sane. Getting over Kathryn, moving on. Like she seemed to be getting over him.

She walked into his vision, wearing an oversized sweatshirt and seemingly nothing else. Her legs were bare and so were her feet, and from a distance she looked more vulnerable than he had ever seen her. Even on New Earth she had never let him see her so bare, so stripped of every layer that built the Captain. He envied the man who got to see this, and hated himself for not giving her the confidence to be herself around him. The steaming cup of coffee he could make out in Kathryn's hand made him smile, the way she had done up her hair made him nostalgic. She had so much power over him, and somehow he kept coming back for more.

Just as he thought she might be home alone, the man she shared her life with stepped into view. He was an admiral, and a good one at that, or so he'd heard. However, the mere fact that mr. Admiral was living with Kathryn made him dislike the man without knowing him. Jealousy was not a good look on Chakotay but he couldn't help himself, he was in love. Still.

As he watched the admiral pull Kathryn close, he wanted to leave. He wasn't here to see that. Turning away he decided to come back tomorrow, something he never did, but today had been too short to satisfy him. He needed to know she was really ok. It was his duty to make sure she was ok, and if she wouldn't let him in, this was the only way he could think of that wouldn't alarm her to his presence or give her a reason to accuse him of interfering in a way that he shouldn't.

The first time he had ever noticed the glass wall of her house had been only a week after she had said goodbye to him on their welcome home party. She had been distant, preoccupied, and he knew she had been given a tough time making sure the former Maquis crew was pardoned. However, she had gotten it done, without his help. Thinking back, she had barely even talked to him once they'd reached Earth. He hadn't thought too much of it, since he had been casually seeing Seven and Kathryn had kept her distance from him, but deep down he had always thought their agreement still stood. But there had been no agreement, no unspoken pact between them on the night he had last spoken to her. He had been standing in his usual place, just behind her left shoulder, while she gave her speech. He had admired her strength, but by the end of their journey he had known it to be a shield sometimes. He had felt uneasy, feeling something was not right between them, but he hadn't gotten the chance to talk to her about it. As soon as pleasantries were over she had gotten ready to leave. Walking up to him with her eyes on her feet she stopped just in front of him. Her hand came to his chest like it had so many times before, but this time there was no electricity that sparkled at her touch, just a deep sadness. She had defiantly met his eyes and he had known. This was goodbye.

'Goodbye, Chakotay,' she'd said. 'It was an honor serving with you.'

He had been dumbstruck, unable to find words he had just uttered her name before she had disappeared out of his sight.

He hadn't understood why she had left like she did. Maybe he never would, but now, a few months later, he understood that she had to. He was hurting her and she was hurting herself, and she had to walk away.

His one regret had been that he had never told her. He hadn't told her that Seven and he weren't a thing. It was nothing serious, but she didn't know that. He was still ready to wait for her. But she didn't know that, and it was his fault for not telling her.

So a week after their goodbye, on a dark, rainy autumn evening he decided to go to her apartment and talk to her. That was when he had walked through the park where he'd been stopped dead in his tracks by the vision of her kissing the brown haired admiral that she had been rumored to be dating. It froze him in his place for a second, before he realized he was staring and she would eventually look out the window. So he had taken up his position, partially behind a pillar of the building behind him, using a few sad looking bushes as cover. He had watched as the kiss had ended, she smiled up at the man and turned away from him, towards the window. Her hand had come up to touch it, while the man kissed her cheek and left. In her face Chakotay had seen longing, sadness and an emptiness that he had seen before. Confused by what he saw he had abandoned his plan of talking to her and he'd left for home, vowing to himself that from that day on, he would check in on her regularly. Just to make sure she was ok. And maybe, just maybe, someday he would find the courage to actually talk to her.

Today would be the first time he would visit two days in a row. The weather felt similar to the first time he had seen her, a dreary atmosphere that seemed to be designed by him alone. He had made sure not to have a pattern to his visits, to avoid detection by anyone, because he knew that what he was doing was wrong on many, many levels. Leaving work a little earlier than normal gave him time to figure out her schedule for that day. She was usually at HQ until quite late, but today she would be off after her meeting. Of course, the general schedules were open to everyone at Starfleet to see, so no one noticed him poking around to figure out Kathryn's activities. Still, he was careful not to log in to any secure system, feeling mildly guilty about what he was doing.

He knew he had it bad, and he also knew he'd be in a world of hurt if she ever found out, which is why he made absolutely sure she never saw him or knew what he was up to.

Why he hadn't just tried talking to her was something he hadn't figured out himself. He'd seen such emotion in her eyes at their goodbye that it had scared him away. Chakotay knew he had hurt her and not so deep down it felt like a betrayal of his vows to her. She had silently asked him to wait for her once and he had promised to do so, before throwing that out of the window a short while before the end of their journey. Even though his actions were not meant to hurt Kathryn in any way, he had soon found out that they had crippled her emotionally in ways he couldn't begin to understand. That was why distance had become his policy, and silence his religion – he had settled for quiet observation for now, to continue his vow to her. To keep her safe even if he had basically relieved himself of that task the minute he had looked at Seven instead of Kathryn upon entering the Alpha Quadrant.

He had decided to walk instead of transport, it was quiet out and he could use the time to clear his head. He also didn't want to beat her to the house, because waiting for her to come home meant risking her seeing him as she crossed the courtyard. Walking through the autumn showers he thought how he could have let things get this far. His mistakes kept piling up and this was probably just another one to add to the mix, he pondered, as he walked across the courtyard towards what had quickly become his favorite pillar. Once he was there, he could see her head just appearing above the wall that separated her living area from the kitchen. For someone who didn't cook she sure found herself a spacious kitchen, he thought to himself on a chuckle. Did she ever think about their dinners? Did she miss them?

These thoughts crept up on him as he found his position, the place where he could safely observe her wandering around her kitchen before appearing in the living area with a cup filled with a steaming substance, probably something laced with caffeine. She was still in uniform this time, her hair a little longer than before but still neatly combed, coming to just touch her shoulders.

As he observed her, he felt uneasy. A clenching feeling was settling in his stomach upon seeing her browse her house, and he'd pinned it down to today being an irregular day. He had made sure he wasn't followed here, and he knew no one was aware of his actions.

The connection he had felt to her had long been dulled down by anger, sadness and fear. Their ability to speak without words was no longer something they shared with anyone in their lives. Yet, ice crept into his heart when he realized that somehow, she seemed to be sensing his presence. He saw it in the way she turned, in the way she pursed her lips as she lifted her gaze from her cup. She knew exactly where he was as she approached the window, locking eyes with him from across the welting flowerbeds and kept looking. It wasn't a searching gaze across the park.

No, she saw him.

He had been caught.