"Raphaela Akana, speaking."
"Ms. Akana, this is Melani Norris at North Hawaii Community Hospital. I'm calling on behalf of Steve McGarrett. He was brought in about twenty minutes ago and listed you as his emergency contact."
"What happened to him, Ms. Norris?"
"Mr. McGarrett was assaulted. He's injuries are still being evaluated. He was coherent enough when the ambulance brought him in to request we contact you."
"Tell him I'll be there as fast as I can."
"I'll make sure he gets the message."
Raphaela froze for a moment, not knowing what to do next. She hadn't heard from Steve in a couple of weeks. Didn't even know he was coming to the Big Island. He usually called and they grabbed a bite to eat or a cold one depending on the time of day. The call from the hospital scared her. Shaking off the fear, she grabbed her purse and keys and ran out the door.
The drive to the hospital allowed her time to think. Why would Steve list her as emergency contact? It's not that she minded, but anytime Steve was hurt, it was his partner, Danny Williams that held the role. As she pondered the situation, only one answer came to mind. "Oh, God, please don't let me right!" she prayed as she pushed the accelerator a little closer to the floor.
The bright lights burned like lasers in his eyes causing his head to scream in pain. Unfortunately, it had to compete with the pain radiating from the rest of his body. They kept asking him if this hurt or if that hurt and apologizing every time they saw him wince. He just wished they would leave him the hell alone so he could sink into the black oblivion that had welcomed him right after the attack.
"Mr. McGarret, we're going to give you something for the pain now and we're going to use a local for the lacerations that need stitches." The doctor took his grunt as an acknowledgement of understanding. As the meds started working, he remembered to ask if they had called Raphaela yet.
"We did reach her and she's on her way. We'll let you know when she arrives."
"Thanks," Steve muttered as oblivion finally won out.
Rushing up to the information desk, Raphaela let all her fear out in the simple words, "Steven McGarrett, where is he?"
She was quickly shown to the emergency's waiting room and was told the doctor would find her when he was finished with his evaluation. It seemed like an eternity, but in reality is was probably only a half hour she sat waiting. The look on the doctor's face did little to alleviate her fears as he crossed the room. His first words only made matters worse.
"Ms. Akana, I'm Dr. Warren. Let's go over here to a private consult room."
Dr. Warren ushered her into the smaller room and closed the door behind them. He waited until she was seated before beginning.
"Mr. McGarret was brutally assaulted while he was in Puu O Umi Nature Reserve. He has bruised kidneys, a broken nose, two black eyes, several lacerations; three which needed stitches, two in the rectal area. He has two broken fingers and several defensive wounds. We've started him on post-exposure prophylaxis as a precaution. We want to keep him for a day or so for observation, but he should recover fully from his physical injuries."
"Doctor, has he said anything about the attack?"
"You'll have to speak to the responding officers for that information."
"I'm not asking for the police report, doctor, I'm asking if Steve told you anything."
"He's been completely silent other than requesting we contact you. Due the nature of the injuries, we did do a thorough exam and preserve samples for the police if Mr. McGarrett seeks to press charges."
"Thank you, doctor."
"I'll have a nurse come get you when we get him settled in a room. Shouldn't be much longer now."
The next twenty minutes crawled by. Raphaela continued her prayer from earlier hoping against hope that there was another explanation for all of Steve's injuries. Finally, a nurse came and escorted her to Steve's room.
Steve was laying on his side facing away from the door when she got there. He didn't respond to her light knock.
"Steve, it's me. May I come in?"
Slowly turning onto his back, Steve growled, "Aela, I thought you'd never get here. Get that nurse in gear and get my discharge papers ready. I don't want to be in here a moment longer than I have to."
Looking at his bruised and battered face, Raphaela chose her words carefully, "Steve, the doctor wants you to stay for a day or so to keep tabs on you and from what I'm looking at, I agree with him."
"I don't give a damn what the doctor wants, I'm not staying."
Knowing Steve wasn't going to back down from his stance, Raphaela agreed to his demand with the concession that he come stay with her for few days. Surprisingly, or maybe not so much, Steve didn't argue with her.
The ride to her apartment was uneventful save for a stop to fill Steve's prescriptions. Neither of them said anything though Raphaela had to bite her lip to keep from asking him if he was okay. She knew what he needed right now was just her presences and that he would talk when he was ready.
It was hard seeing her life long friend like this. His normal larger that life essences had dimmed. He didn't resemble the "Super Seal" nickname everyone had given him. She knew what he was feeling. They'd been down this road before, but the roles were reversed this time. It's her turn to be the anchor in this storm. They'd ride it out together, just like before.
"God, I really need a shower," Steve stated as they entered the apartment. "They wouldn't let me take one at the hospital not even after the took my clothes and gave me these awful scrubs."
"You know where the bathroom is. I'll see if Bane left any of his stuff behind that will come close to fitting."
"Yeah your brother does have an advantage on me in the bulk department. Anything will be fine." Steve made a beeline for the bathroom as fast as his battered body would let him.
Raphaela heard him repeat, "God, I need a shower," as the door closed.
She hadn't offered any help as she knew it would be an intrusion. Going to the spare bedroom, she rummaged around until she came up with a pair of Bane's board shorts and a hoodie. Taking them in hand, she stopped before the closed door, listening. Even over the sound of the shower, she could hear Steve's sobs. Quietly opening the door, Raphaela set the clothes on the sink, gathered the discarded scrubs and left the bathroom without saying a word.
Walking to the kitchen, Raphaela started a fresh pot of coffee. The scrubs found their way to the garbage can as she knew Steve would never want to see them again. She thought about making them some sandwiches, but changed her mind. Lack of appetite was usually the symptom after wanting to sleep forever. Going back to the living room, she sat down on the couch to wait.
For a while Steve just stood there, the water almost scalding, then he grabbed the soap and started scrubbing. He wasn't supposed to get his stitches wet. He didn't care. The bar decreased steadily. When it was gone he grabbed Aela's body wash and started over again. The water was glacial by the time he emptied the bottle. He thought about grabbing the shampoo, but stopped himself. His wounds screamed at him temporarily distracting him from the pain in his mind.
Turning the water off, Steve stepped from the shower grabbing for a towel. His reflection in the mirror caught him off guard. Black eyes and broken nose aside, he didn't look any different. How could he feel so different? His was a Navy Seal for Christ's sake. All that training and he wasn't prepared for this.
Aela waited for him just outside the door. He knew it without having any proof. Of all the people in the world, she was the only one in his life who would understand. Danny, Chin, Kono, they would look at him, listen to him, but they would never comprehend. There would be well meaning pity in their eyes and endless streams of "comfort" words, but there would never be understanding. Didn't matter, Steve had no intention of telling anyone about the attack.
Pulling himself back from the edge, Steve noticed the clothes and the extra bar of soap sitting on the sink. Yeah, Aela understood.
Aela. Man how she hated that nickname. Steve was the only who could get away with using it without risking life and limb. They were joined at the hip as kids, always conspiring to pull pranks on Mary and Bane. Younger siblings, such easy targets. No matter where Steve was in the world, Aela was always there, just a phone call away. She knew his secrets and he knew hers. He'd dropped everything, taking a leave of absence and making it home in just under twenty-one hours after receiving her phone call three years ago. Of course, getting emergency leave required lying about their relationship, but it didn't matter. Aela had needed him. Now he needed her.
The bathroom door opened with a squeak. Raphaela looked up at the noise. Steve saw her on the couch and slowly made his way over to her. The inflatable ring sitting on the cushion next to her made his blood boil, but he knew there was no way he'd be able to sit down without it. Gingerly easing himself down, Steve shifted around until he found the least painful position.
"You should be in bed."
He shrugged. She didn't push.
They sat in silence for a long time. They both knew the words would come when Steve was ready. Maybe not now, maybe be not even tomorrow, but they would come.
The ringing of Steve's cell phone broke the silence.
"It's in the kitchen I'll get it for you. Do you want me to answer it?" The look on his face was all the answer she needed. She let it go to voicemail, but checked the caller id.
"It was Danny. Should I play the message?" Not waiting for his reply, Raphaela hit speaker phone and keyed in his password knowing it was still his mother's birth date.
The disembodied voice came on, "You have three missed calls and one new message. Press one to listen to new message."
"Hey, Steve, it's Danny. Where are you? Quit dodging my calls and pick up the phone. Got some info on the case. Call me back."
"Delete it."
"He'll just keep calling if you don't respond."
"Respond for me. I just can't right now. It's bad enough I have to call the governor for a LOA."
Steve let his anger take over, rising too quickly. His injuries protested, making him angrier. He let out an obscene word and worked his way to the spare room, slamming the door behind him. Lying down, Steve knew he should apologize for the swear word. Aela didn't like them, but he just didn't give a damn. He could hear her leaving a message for Danny, but he didn't give a damn about that either.
"Hey, Danny, this is Raphaela Akana. Steve asked me to give you a quick call to let you know he decided to extend his vacation and we're gonna explore the Reserve for a few days. Said to tell you not to get a big head as you're in charge until he gets back. Wish me luck, roughing it with Super Seal for the week."
Knocking quietly, Raphaela didn't wait for a response before opening the door. She set the phone on the dresser and left without a word. Steve laid there, letting the tears run down his face, appreciating her actions.
Five 0 Headquarters
Closing his phone, Danny walked out of his office towards Chin and Kono who were at the smart table working on a case. Chin turned his phone off and look up as Danny approached.
"Hey, I just got a message"
"The Governor just called"
Kono grinned as the two men tried to talk at the same time. "Do you wanna flip a coin to see who goes first?"
"Chin wins this round, but only because I'm feeling generous," Danny conceded.
Chin gave Danny an exasperated look then finished his statement. "The Governor just told me he granted Steve an extended leave of absence. Said it was for personal reasons and that Danny was in charge until Steve's return."
Danny frowned. "That's weird. I just got a message from Raphaela telling me, she and Steve were going to spend the week in the Reserve. He mentioned going there over the weekend, but I got the impression he was doing his survivalist alone thingy."
"You don't think he got another lead on Shelburne do you?" Chin's query made them all pause.
"Steve promised me he wouldn't go Lone Ranger again concerning Shelburne and besides, Raphaela wouldn't lie not even for Steve and she was using his phone. That means they're together. Steve wouldn't drag her into this. He would never put her in danger," Danny stated.
"Well, something's not right. Steve knew Lori's gone for the month on a special assignment for Denning and he was the first to object because it would leave us short handed. Besides, you don't take LOA to go hiking. That's what vacation is for. It must be something big" Kono voiced what they were all thinking.
Chin reasoned, "Let's give it a couple of day's and if Steve hasn't checked in with us by then we'll know something is up."
"Yeah, he can't go very long without checking up on us. That's just Steve," Kono replied.
The team agreed to wait and headed back to their tasks, each one of them silently wondering what kind of situation Steve had gotten himself into this time. Each one of them praying that it wasn't like Korea.
Big Island
It was obvious Steve hadn't slept much during the night so Raphaela waited until he'd finished his coffee before telling him what she had planned for the day.
"I need to go to Walmart or somewhere and get you some clothes. Bane only left one pair of shorts here. As great as you look in them, I think you might get tired of wearing them every day."
Steve stared at her for a minute before replying. "I'll go with you."
"Are you sure you're up to it?"
"Yeah, it's only Walmart, not the Afghan desert."
Raphaela gave him her best "you're being stubborn" look. He returned the favor with what she called his "stubborn ass" look. "All right, we'll go after breakfast."
Once at Walmart, Raphaela wanted to insist on dropping Steve near the door before finding a parking place, but the look in Steve's eyes stopped her from even bringing up the topic. Luckily, she found a spot not too far from the entrance.
"Are you ready for this?"
A huge intake of breath and a door opening was the only reply she got.
The minute he stepped out of the car, Steve felt as if everyone around him was watching him, commenting, judging. Look at that guy. He must've been pretty stupid to get beat so badly. Bet he deserved it. Cocky guy, thought he could handle himself in a fight. Feel sorry for him, he looks like he's in pain.
The feel of Aela's hand on his arm brought him out of his musings.
"Are you sure you're ready for this? You could just wait in the car."
"Let's get it over with."
Grabbing a cart, the pair slowly made their way to the men's section. With each step, Steve felt his chest getting tighter. His breathing grew shallow and the edges of his vision started to gray. The voices of the people around them sounded like they were coming from inside a water tank, all muffled and blended together.
"Aela, I... I can't..."
"It's okay, Steve, I got this. Go back to the car." Knowing just how he felt, Aela watched him, making sure he made it okay then quickly grabbed the stuff Steve needed. For once, the lines were short and she checkout with record speed. Going out the exit, she broke into a dead run, wanting to get back to him as quickly as possible. By the time she got to the car, Steve was having a full blown anxiety attack. She jumped in, threw everything over the seat and grabbed his head with both hands.
"Steve, look at me." When he didn't respond, she demanded louder, "Steve, look at me!"
This time he allowed her to bring his head around to face her, but he continued to stare into the distance.
"Steven, I need you to look at me. Come on, just look into my eyes. It's just you and me. No one else. Steven, it's Aela. Take a deep breath for me please. That's it, take another deep breath. Look at me please. Look right at me. Just you and me, right here in the car. You can do this, just concentrate on me. Deep breaths, deep breaths. That's it, just keep breathing and looking at my eyes. Feel yourself calming down. Feel my hands on your checks. Deep breaths. Look at my eyes. That's it, that's it. Can you talk to me? Tell where we are? Steve, talk to me."
Steve took a shuddering breath. "We're in the car. We're at Walmart."
"That's right. You're doing great. Just keep breathing. Focus on me, right here, right now. Listen to my voice. You're doing great."
"Jesus, Aela! I was suffocating! I could feel everything, like it was happening again!"
"It's okay, Steve. You're safe. It's just you and me in the car. The doors are locked. No on can get in. Just you and me."
He felt himself calming down as her words started sinking in. "Is it always like this?"
The look in his eyes broke her heart. She wanted to lie to him but knew he needed the truth. "For a while, yes, but it gets a little easier with time. Remember what you told me?"
"Yeah, keep looking forward, don't look back cause that's letting the SOB win!"
"You can get through this. Don't let the SOB win."
Steve turned his head to look out the window and she didn't hear his reply, "SOBs."
Emotionally and physically drained by the time they made it back to the apartment, Steve went straight to his room. Raphaela set the purchases by the door and decided it was time to form a plan to get Steve back to normal or rather for him his "new normal." He'd done the same thing for her. Going all Navy Super Seal, he created a strategic ops. plan to help her move forward and that's what she was going to do for him. Steve had relied on information from the internet and books he'd grabbed at a bookstore, she would pull from first hand knowledge. Another step in a long journey. Grabbing paper and pen, Raphaela sat down and started writing.
Steve emerged when he could no longer take the hunger clutching his stomach. The apartment was quiet and he didn't immediately see Aela. He could feel the panic starting again. He tried to fight, but it won out. "Aela!" he bellowed starting to search every room, "Aela!"
"Steve, I'm right here." Her voice sounded so far away to him even though she was yelling back at him from her bedroom door.
He took a couple of steps towards her before sinking to the floor. She ran to his side, cradling him in her arms. He shook uncontrollably, but she didn't want to leave him to grab a blanket so she just pulled him closer.
"I thought they'd got to you! I couldn't find you. I was sure they'd found you." He kept muttering the same statement over and over while she kept reassuring him she was okay, no body had her. At the same time, she couldn't help an inward smile that despite everything, Steve was more concerned with her well being than his. She knew then that he would definitely make it through this and possibly come out stronger.
Neither of them paid any attention to the passage of time. It might've been ten minutes or an hour. They just sat there, Steve secure in her arms. The overtly loud rumblings from his stomach brought awareness of how cold and stiff they were.
Gently helping him up, Raphaela pointed him towards the kitchen. "It's really late or really early depending on how you want to look at it. How about a bowl of cereal to tide you over till morning."
Steve glared at the clock on the microwave. "Is it really three am? I slept all day? Why didn't you get me up?"
"You needed your sleep. Now do you want that bowl of cereal or not? Dry or with milk?"
"Dry is good. Will you sit with me? I don't feel like being alone."
Setting a bowl and a box of Cheerios from the cupboard in front of him, she squeezed his shoulder while sliding into the chair next to him.
After two helpings, Steve satisfied his hunger, yet he was reluctant to get up from the table. Aela stood up, gathering the items on the table as she did. Steve reached out and grabbed her wrist. "Aela, would you let me hold you tonight? I just need an anchor."
"Of course," was all she said. Going back to her room, she got Steve settled and crawled in next to him. Steve pulled her into his side, locking his arms around her. It wasn't too long before she heard his gentle snores. She eventually fell asleep as well.
Raphaela awoke around seven. She carefully disengaged herself from Steve's embrace to keep from waking him. She didn't want a repeat of last night, but she figured he would be fine while she used the facilities. She hadn't reached the door before she heard his sleepy mutter, "I'm fine. You can make noise."
"I was trying to be you. Sneaking around, using those Seal skills you taught me."
"You're rusty."
"Thanks, you big lunk head. You really know how to encourage. What do you want for breakfast? We've got work to do and you need your strength."
"Just what do you have in mind?"
"I've got your battle plan laid out. It's time for maneuvers."
Steve swallowed the panic rising in his throat. "I'm not sure I'm ready, but I don't think you're going to give me a choice."
"Did you give me one?" She walked out of the room before he could reply. She still heard the chuckle he released. Another step.
Steve ate everything she put before him, but he refused to look at the papers she'd set next to his plate. Reading them meant he had to acknowledge what had happened and he wasn't ready for that. He couldn't admit his weakness. At the same time he had to show Aela he was trying, hence the eating binge.
"Mind if I take the first shower? I can't stand the smell of myself."
"Sure. I want to clean up in here first anyway. There's more soaps under the sink."
"Thanks." Steve quickly stripped, turned on the shower and lost the entire contents of his stomach into the toilet. His wounds stung when the water hit them. It felt good. This time he only used half a bar and left Aela tepid water. So much for those three minute Navy showers Danny always teased him about.
Danny. He should really check in with his team. He didn't want to worry them especially after North Korea. The idea of just talking with them gave him the chills. He couldn't find the words yet, couldn't bluff his way with bravado. Maybe Aela would call again. Maybe he could wait another day. If anything big happen, they'd call. They wouldn't be able to help themselves. Maybe he'd check the paper, see if there was any news from Honolulu.
"The bathroom's all yours. Probably not much hot water left though, sorry."
"You don't have to apologize. Hot water is overrated anyway. Anything you need before I get in the shower?"
"Just the newspapers."
"On the coffee table."
Steve waved his thanks and went to peruse the current events. He found two days ago and today's, but yesterday's was missing. He look through everything on the table but he didn't find it. Glancing around the room, he saw it stuck between two books on the bookshelf. What the hell was it doing there. He crossed the room and pull it out. Why would Aela stick it there? Then he saw it. Right there on the front page.
Two days ago on October 15th, a 36 year old man was seriously wounded in an assault during his hike in Puu O Uni Natural Area reserve. He was brought to North Hawaii Community Hospital in the town of Waimea. Police investigators have found little evidence at the scene, but some that might point at a suspect or suspects, but they have refused to give out any more information. However, a spokesperson for state police has stated that they expect the evidence to lead to an arrest soon and visitors to the reserve shouldn't worry as this appears to be an isolated incident.
The rage boiled so quickly, he didn't even know what he was doing. Books came flying off the shelves, then the bookcase crashed down, the couch cushions were tossed across the room, knocking over and breaking a lamp in the process. Raphaela rushed into the room just in time to dodge the drinking glass flying towards her.
"Steven! Stop! You've got to stop!"
Steve took no notice of her. He couldn't stop the rage.
"Steven!" she screamed again. When that didn't work, she picked up a book and chucked it at him. If there was one thing Steve had taught her as a kids, it was to aim. The book smacked him directly on the back of his head.
Steve whipped around ready to take on his attackers. He automatically readied his body for attack. The tensing of his muscles brought extreme pain from every single wound on his body. The pain overrode the rage causing him to cry out as he sank to the floor. It took a long while before he even felt Aela's arms around him let alone hear anything she was saying.
"I should really give you some large area rugs for Christmas," Steve whispered.
"Nah, this isn't going to become a habit. We won't let it," she whispered back. "Come on. Let's get up and take a walk. We could both use the fresh air."
They made it around the block before it was obvious that Steve was tiring. "Let's cut across the parking lot, Aela. I'm admitting I've had enough." Steve regretted his request the minute he saw the uniforms at the apartment door.
"May I help you officers?" Raphaela said to get the officer's attention.
Turning around, both men gave the pair a once over. "Ms. Akana, we'd like to get Commander McGarrett's statement. Would this be a good time?"
Looking at Steve, she waited for him to answer. When he just stood there, glaring at the officers, she said, "Now isn't a good time."
"Without the Commander's statement our case is dead."
"Then consider it dead. I'm never giving a statement," Steve uttered walking past the men into the apartment. The younger officer looked intimidated by the harshness of the reply.
"Ma'am, maybe you can get him to reconsider. We'd like to catch his assailants and put them away for a long time," the older of the two said.
"I'll see what I can do. It might take some time."
"I don't think we have to tell you that the more time passes,"
Raphael cut him off. "I know."
The officers turned to go, "Please try to get the Commander to talk."
"I'll try. Wait. Did you say assailants?"
"Yes, ma'am. We believe there were at least three."
"Thank you, officers."
Steve stood at the entrance to the living room, surveying the damage he'd done. "I can't believe I did this. That glass almost hit you."
"But it didn't. Besides it gives me a chance to rearrange."
"I'll clean it up."
"Let's get the little stuff and leave the heavier until you're stronger. Are you ready to make an appointment with the psychologist?"
It took a second for her question to register. "Sneaky. So that's the next step on your list. If I remember rightly, it was tenth or eleventh on my list."
"What can I say, you're an overachiever so I expect more from you."
"Maybe tomorrow, kay," Steve answered starting to pick up the mess he'd made.
They cleaned the room in silence. She didn't even make a noise when he lifted the bookcases back into place even though it was obvious the actions caused him pain. When they finished, Steve went to his room and slammed the door. Aela let him go, vowing this was the last day he was going be allowed to hide in the room. It's time for him start moving forward, whether he wanted to or not. She hadn't appreciated it and she knew he wouldn't either. God, tomorrow was going to be a long day.
Raphaela spent the rest of the day on her laptop. She'd never been happier than now that she worked mostly from home only having to go into the office once a month or so. She made the most of the day by making sure she was caught up for the next week or so, just in case.
Steve laid on the bed staring at the ceiling, not sure if he was relieved that he couldn't fall asleep. Oblivion would be nice, but sleeping wasn't necessarily oblivion. The pain pills would bring some relief if he'd take them but Steve didn't take pain pills unless it was absolutely essential. He didn't like being out of control. The other oblivion wasn't on the table. He wouldn't do that to his team, Aela, little Gracie; his 'ohana.
His stomach made itself known again, but this time he ignored it. Nothing stayed down anyway so why bother. The clock told him he'd been laying there for almost six hours when his bladder demanded his attention. The swoosh of the door gave Raphaela advanced warning. She watched him make his way to the bathroom. He was walking a little easier, almost taking full strides. She didn't think he'd even noticed. When he came out, he walked over, dropped a kiss on her forehead, then went back to his room without saying a word.
Aela was making breakfast the next time he saw her. The night had been filled with dreams that only bordered on being nightmares, small step forward.
"Want some help?"
"Sure. You can grab some fruit from the fridge and put a mix into a bowl."
"Aela, I want to call the doc today. I, well I... I wouldn't really do it, but I thought about... I..."
She grabbed his shoulders from behind and gave them a squeeze. "The office's open at eight. You can call then, okay?" She waited for him to nod then stated in a firm voice, "Steve, I want your service weapon and the pills." He looked at her for just a second then retrieved the requested items. He couldn't explain the solace he felt watching her lock them in the small safe she kept in the hall closet.
By the time they finished breakfast and cleaned up, it was past eight. Steve called the number the hospital gave him for a specialized psychologist. He lucked out, managing to get a time for later that afternoon. He already regretted making the appointment, but knew Aela wouldn't let him back out, so he sucked it up and asked, "What do we do until my appointment?"
"Well, we need some groceries and a-sundries. Plus I need to pick up my dry cleaning. Are you up for a little shopping."
"As long as it's not Walmart. Anywhere but Walmart."
"No need to ever step into a Walmart again."
"Good!"
This time their outing went much better. A couple of times Steve had to stop and remember to breathe but the full blown panic didn't manifest. The pair finished the errands in time to take everything home and put it away before they had to leave for Steve's appointment. Aela grabbed a book to read while she waited. He was glad he didn't have to ask her to stay near by.
The waiting room was empty when they arrived. Steve noticed a note next to a red light on the wall. "If light is red, please take a seat. The doctor will be with you shortly." The sign struck him as funny and he chuckled.
"What are you laughing about?"
Steve gestured to the light and the sign, "It just reads funny is all."
"You have a very strange sense of humor, Mr. McGarrett, but it goes with your personality."
"Gee, thanks," he snarked back.
Steve paced while they waited. Walking was less painful than sitting, not that he would admit it out loud. Right on the hour, the door opened. A woman, probably in her late forties, called his name. Steve admired her punctuality. Giving Aela a fearful glance, he stepped through the doorway.
"Steve, I'm Dr. Halloway. I want to start by assuring you this is a safe place. Whatever is said or happens in this office is strictly confidential. Let's get the preliminaries out of the way. Did you bring someone with you today and would you like to have them in here at any point?"
"My friend is in the waiting room, but she needs to stay there. I don't want her to go through this again."
"Do you want to expand on that?"
"It's not my place."
"Everything is confidential, remember."
"She was attacked three years ago."
"I'm assuming she sought help. Did you go with her?"
"Yeah, a couple of times. She didn't like being around strangers for a while so." Steve left the sentence hanging.
"So you stayed by her side. That's admirable. Almost as admirable as seeking help for yourself. Do you want to tell me what happened?"
Steve stared a the wall behind the doc's head gathering his thoughts. He choose his words carefully. "I was hiking in the reserve on one of the lesser known trails. When I got back to my rental, there was a pickup parked next to me. I didn't see anyone around, so I assumed the driver had taken the main trail line because I hadn't passed anyone on my way back out. I had just stowed my gear in the trunk when I was grabbed from behind. I tried to get out of the guy's hold, but two more guys grabbed on to me and pulled me between the vehicles. I got in a few good hits, but they rammed my head into the door and I blacked out for a moment. When I came to, I was tied up in the bed of the truck and they proceeded to beat the crap out of me. I heard a vehicle coming up the road. They must have too, cause they threw me over the side of the bed and took off. There's no cell service in the area, but I always carry a SAT phone with me. The couple in the vehicle called 911 and stayed with me until the EMT's got there."
"Is that all to the story?"
"Yeah, that's all there is."
"The psychological ramifications an attack can manifest themselves in many forms; insomnia, lack of appetite, lethargy, rage, indifference. Any of these strike a chord?"
"Nope, I'm fine."
"Well, that's great to hear, but I'm not buying it. You came here for a reason."
Steve silently glared at the doctor, while she calmly watched him. He finally sighed. "Aela makes sure I eat, but it doesn't do any good. I can't keep anything down. I've slept for the better part of the last three days, I had a panic attack in a Walmart parking lot, I tore apart Aela's living room and I lost it when I couldn't find her in the middle of the night."
Dr. Halloway kept quiet, continuing to look at him.
A full 10 minutes passed before he finished. "Last night I thought about ending it."
"You thought about it, but did you act on those thoughts?"
"God no! I wouldn't do that to my 'ohana! I just remember Aela and the way she talked. I don't want to talk like that."
"Just thinking about it doesn't make you suicidal, Steve. I can tell you are not the type to give up without a fight, but you need to be careful just the same."
Steve nodded at her. "She locked up my gun and the pills."
"Sounds like a good friend."
"Yeah, she is."
"Our time's about up, but I want to give you some techniques for controlling the panic and rage. I also want you try to eat less at a time but eat more often. It'll help with the purging."
Steve listened intently to her instructions and set up his next appointment for the following Monday. It hadn't been as bad as he thought but he still felt drained. He knew that the doc guessed he hadn't told her everything, but screw that. Control the symptoms and everything would be fine.
Raphaela looked at Steve's face when the door opened and said, "How about Chinese take out and an early night."
"Sounds good. I could go for some Chow Mien."
Steve remembered Dr. Halloway's instructions, eating about a quarter of what he would've normally ate. Aela watched him closely. When she put the leftovers away, she deliberately separated things into smaller portions. She hadn't known he was throwing up or she might have thought of it earlier.
"Wanna watch a little TV or are you ready for bed?" she threw over her shoulder as she wiped down the sink.
"TV sounds good. Maybe there's a game on."
"I tivo'd Saturday's UH game if you're interested."
"Sounds perfect."
They watched the entire game with the benefit of being able to fast forward the commercials. Steve got up twice for snacks, managing to keep everything down. A UH win topped the evening. It was nice having things normal for a little while. Soon neither could stifle their yawns. "I'm ready to turn in," Steve yawned. "Yeah, me too."
Steve slowly stood up and moved across the room. He stopped just before his door. "Aela, thanks. I really need you."
"You're welcome, Steve."
The yelling brought her out of a deep sleep. She didn't bother with a robe as she ran to Steve's bedroom. He was thrashing about and had the sheets all tangled around him, preventing free movement. She needed to get him to calm down, but she was afraid to get to close as Steve still had the tendency to wake up swinging if he was startled. Raphaela ran to the bathroom, filled the trashcan with cold water and ran back to Steve. He was still yelling at the top of his lungs when she doused him. Sputtering, he awoke instantly. "What the hell was that for?" he bellowed still struggling against the sheets.
"Hey, I learned a long time ago to never get too close to a Navy Seal when you're trying to wake him from a nightmare."
All the fight drained out of Steve when she mentioned the nightmare. He started shaking uncontrollably. Raphaela dropped the can, immediately taking him in her arms. The water soon soaked through her nightgown, but she kept holding on whispering meaningless words to him.
Steve suddenly stilled. He was very aware of Aela. He needed to feel her warmth, take in her sweetness, make her purity his. He reached up and pulled her head down, brushing his mouth against hers. "Steve, what are you doing?"
"Please, Aela, I need this. I need to know that this can be good and pure." He took her mouth again before she could answer. She wasn't sure this was a good idea, but the raw emotion in his voice prevented her from stopping him.
To say they made love would be dishonest. Steve made love to her. He was gentle, but he was definitely in control. Not once did he let her take the lead and he made sure she was fulfilled before satisfying himself. After it was over, he pulled her close, not seeming to notice the damp sheets. He held her tightly until dawn.
As the sun peaked over the horizon, Steve gradually became aware of his surroundings. Aela, was curled into his side like she had been doing it all her life. Her face serene in sleep. Guilt flooded him like a tsunami. He'd taken advantage of one of his best friends. How would he ever make it up to her? Of all the shit he'd put her through the last few days, this was the shittiest. He was still wondering how he was going to fix this when he felt her stir beside him.
Her sleepy, "Good morning," was meant with a grunt of despair.
"Aela"
"Steve"
They spoke at the same time. "Let me go first, Steve." After he nodded, she continued. "I can read you like a book. Don't beat yourself up over this. You needed comfort and I'm glad I could be here for you. This doesn't change our friendship. We're still just Steve and Aela, the terrible twosome."
Steve looked at her in disbelief. "Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm sure. Besides I always did wonder why the ladies flocked to you," she replied as she got out of bed. "I'm still wondering, by the way."
A pillow hitting her retreating back was his reply to her teasing. He heard the shower start up and the shower door close. What he didn't hear was Aela's crying.
"So what's on the docket after breakfast?" she asked just as he shoved a strawberry in his mouth. Then she laughed as the juice ran down his face.
"You're a brat, you know that?"
"So you keep telling me. You didn't answer the question."
"I, uh, I was thinking I should call the team before the call me. If I call first, I can control the conversation."
"Sounds like a plan. Would you be okay on your own for a while? I've got some things I need to do."
"I'm a big boy. I'll be fine."
Steve waited until Raphaela left before he grabbed his phone. It took him fifteen minutes to work up the nerve to dial. It was a relief when he got Danny's voicemail. "Hey, Danno, just checking in while I've got service. Missing some awesome country, buddy. Tell Gracie Uncle Steve loves her. I'll try to check in again on Saturday."
"Oh, God! I didn't use protection."
Five 0 Headquarters:
Kono and Chin stood near the smart table going through the police reports for the last week from the other islands. They didn't normally get involved in the day to day stuff outside of Honolulu, but Steve had made reading the reports mandatory. He believed in keeping tabs on everything and besides, "You never knew if someone else's case would give you a lead on yours."
"Hey, Cuz, look at this one," Kono said as she moved so Chin could see what she was referring to. "It's a report about an attack in the Puu O Umi Natural Area Reserve from Sunday. Isn't that where Steve's hiking?"
"Yeah, I think it is."
Just then, Danny walked through the main doors. "Grab your stuff guys. We've got a bank robbery downtown and they've got hostages."
The report was dropped on the table and forgotten.
The team filed back into their headquarters five hours later. The standoff ended with one of the robbers dead, but none of the hostages. They were tired and extremely grateful the day was near over.
"Man, I'm wiped. Wish McGarrett was there. We'd been done hours ago cause he would have come up with one of his cockamamy brilliant plans that always work," Danny exclaimed as he dropped into the closest chair.
"There would've been a bit more boom though," Kono added.
"Yeah, most," Danny's vibrating phone interrupted his train of thought. Looking at the display, he saw he had voicemail. "Man, I hope this isn't Rachel. Just don't want to deal with that right now." Pulling up the message he hit speaker phone the minute he recognized Steve's voice. "Hey, speak of the devil."
The exhausted team members listen to Steve's upbeat message. Something wasn't quite right, but no one voiced their thoughts.
"Hey, that reminds me of the report I was showing Chin this morning." Kono rummaged through the stack till she found the right file. "This is a report from Hawaii about an attack in the reserve," she stated flipping the file so both men could see. "You think this is the reason Steve is still on the big island? That he's helping with the investigation?"
"If he was, why wouldn't he tell us?" Chin questioned.
"If he is, it's probably one of his super secret Seal deals. The I'd have to kill you if I told you kind of thing. At any rate, he said he call me again Saturday, so let's get the hell out of here. Paperwork can wait till tomorrow." Danny tried to sound cavalier but his detective instinct was telling him something big had happened.
Big Island
Raphaela had been gone about three hours when she called to check on him. She'd run into a girlfriend and was wondering if he'd be okay if they went to lunch and did some shopping before she came home. Steve assured her he was fine and that she should enjoy herself. He wasn't looking forward to talking about what happened last night anyway so the longer she stayed out the more time he had to figure out what he wanted to say.
Fixing what felt like his twentieth snack of the day and congratulating himself on keeping it all down, Steve heard Aela's key in the lock. He steeled his shoulders and waited for her to join him kitchen. It took an eternity before she sat down at the kitchen table.
"Can I get you something? Water, juice, coffee." He let the sentence trail off.
"Juice would be nice, thanks. How'd it go this morning?"
"Not too bad. I spent most of it channel surfing. Never realized how much drivel there is on daytime TV."
Taking the glass he held in front of her, she took a sip before giving him a knowing smile. "You never was one to watch much TV, unless a game was on."
"Yeah. Aela, about last night."
Taking his hands in hers, she looked right into his eyes. "Steve, we've already dealt with it. You can stop looking guilty."
"But I am. Aela, I forgot the condom. You could be pregnant."
"Oh."
"Yeah, oh."
Steve could tell she was running things through her head. He was about ready to fill the silence when she beat him to it. "I don't think we have to worry. It's the wrong time of the month."
Steve could literally feel the weight lift off his shoulders. "You sure?"
"Positive. Now what do you want to do about dinner. We could make a ton of appetizers and piece while we play a board game or watch more TV."
"If you promise to make deviled eggs, it's a deal, but no TV. My brain can't take any more."
"Deviled eggs it is. I think I have all the ingredients for your mom's fabulous shrimp rolls."
That night and the next two days were almost uneventful. Steve was back on a somewhat normal sleep pattern, only waking once or twice from his dreams and he'd only threw up once after he ate too much loco moco. He'd deliberately forgot to check in with Danny on Saturday. He didn't feel like lying to his partner again.
He thought he was getting better, would get his one week chip like AA or whatever they gave survivors, but upon waking up on Sunday he knew he was dreaming. The weather matched Steve's mood. The skies were black and it was pouring rain. He would've thought the lightning magnificent on an ordinary day, but today wasn't ordinary. From the moment he'd heard the squeak of the bathroom door, he wanted to pick a fight with someone. He briefly thought about flying back to Oahu and going into the office. Chasing bad guys was a good tension reliever. Only the fact that he still looked like he'd been run over by a truck stopped him from actually going.
Sensing his mood, Raphaela tried to act as normal as possible. After a couple of hours, he could take no more.
"Stop it! Just stop it!" he yelled at her.
"Stop what?"
"Stop pussy footing around me."
"I. Am. Not. Pussy footing around."
"Yes you are and it's getting on my nerves." His volume had increased with each word.
"Steve, take a deep breath and calm down."
"Calm Down! Calm Down! Why should I? Don't tell me what to do. You don't know what I'm going through!"
In an icy voice, she replied, "Oh I don't, huh? Tell me, Steve, tell me what I don't know. Tell me I don't know how it feels being helpless, feeling like you're dirt. How maybe you asked for this in some twisted way. How I don't know how it feels to be attacked, violated, to be.."
Growing paler with her every word, Steve begged, "Don't say it! Don't say that word. Please don't say it."
Her tone changed to one of comfort. "You're going to have to say it sometime. You need to face it in order to move on."
"I know, but not yet, not yet."
That night Steve's nightmares wouldn't stop. Aela made him move to the couch. She found a station running a Bogart marathon and once again she held him tight as he drifted in and out.
His appointment was at ten, Monday morning. He asked if he could borrow the car assuring Aela he wanted to go alone.
He got there a few minutes early. There was a middle aged man sitting in one of the chairs. Steve resented the way the guy tried to be circumspect about looking at him. Finally the door opened and a teenage boy walked out. The two left as the doctor called him in.
"So, how did the rest of your week go, Steve?"
"Not too bad. Your eating trick worked."
"Any nightmares?"
"Some, but not as bad as the first ones."
"I see your friend didn't come today."
"No. She didn't sleep real well last night and I wanted to give her a chance to take a nap."
"What about you?"
"What about me?"
"How'd you sleep last night?"
"Fine."
"Fine, really?"
"Yeah, really."
Realizing the current line of questioning wasn't working, Dr. Halloway changed the topic. "When do you see yourself going back to work?"
"I hadn't thought about it much. I guess may be after these bruises heal up a bit more."
"Why do you want to wait till they heal?"
"I don't know. Cause I guess I don't want to worry my team with them."
"Have you talked to your team yet?"
"I've left a couple of messages."
"Did you tell them about the attack?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"Don't want to worry them."
"You're a team. Shouldn't you worry about each other?"
"Not about me."
"Why not?"
"I'm the leader. It's my responsibility to worry about them not the other way around."
"How many members are on your team?"
"Five, including me."
"That's a lot of worry for one person."
Steve shrugged.
"Have you changed your mind about not pressing charges?"
"How'd you know I hadn't?"
"Just a guess and you didn't answer the question."
"Not gonna happen."
The doc was a patient person.
"Wouldn't be able to catch them anyway. Not enough evidence to prosecute."
"Don't you think they should be brought to justice?"
"I'm sure they will be."
"How's that going to happen if you don't press charges?"
Steve didn't respond.
"Are we 'bout done here, doc?"
"You tell me."
"I need a reference for someone on Oahu for when I go back to work."
"Huh," she said in disbelief.
"Huh what?"
"I just figured you'd quit therapy when you went back."
"I would but Aela would have my head on a spike if I stopped."
"You've mentioned Aela before..."
Steve interrupted. "Raphaela, she prefers to be called Raphaela."
"Why do you call her Aela then?"
"For the same reason I call Danny, Danno, to get a rise out of them."
"And does it work?"
"Does with Danny. Aela gave up on me."
"You've known her a long time then."
"Since first grade. I pulled her pigtails and she tipped my milk into my lap. Now back to the request I have."
"Well, if you don't mind seeing me, you're in luck. I'm in Honolulu twice a month. We can continue with our sessions."
"That works. Saves me from having to read some else in on the matter."
Picking up on the military manner, Doctor Holloway responded in kind. "Okay, Commander. When and where are we meeting next time?"
Raphaela was still napping when Steve got back. It had only been about two hours but had felt like an eternity. He'd scheduled his next appointment with the doc for the following Tuesday at her local office. He really didn't want to go back until the bruising was almost gone.
He felt a little guilty about presuming Aela would let him stay till then. He'd intruded a lot already not that she'd ever say so. He suddenly remembered she'd mentioned a boyfriend the last time they'd got together. Steve felt worse. Man did he have some atoning to do. Since Aela was sleeping, he decided to start with his team.
Dialing Danny's number was a little easier this time but a part of him still hoped it would go to voicemail. No such luck.
"Jesus, Steve. Where the hell you been? You said you'd call on Saturday. Today is not Saturday, my friend, today is Monday. That is exactly forty-eight hours after promised. And you promised not to pull any more of these disappearing stunts."
"Danny."
"Man, Steve, we're suppose to be partners. Partners don't pull this kind of crap. Partners back each other up, partners talk to each other, communicate."
"Danny, you about done?"
"No, Steven, I am not done. Do you know how many years you've taken off my life? Well, this latest stunt grabbed at least three. Three, Steve! Do you understand what I'm saying?"
"Danny, I'm sorry."
Danny was about to continue his rant, but the sincerity in Steve's tone stopped him. "What's going on, man?"
After a pregnant pause, Steve replied, "I ran into something while I was hiking and I need to stay and follow it through."
"Are you working on the assault case at the Reserve?"
It took Steve a minute to piece together how Danny might've known. "Uh, yeah. The vic is a friend of Aela's and she asked me to look into it."
"Okay, I'll take that as an answer for now, but you, buddy, you'll have some more explaining to do when you get home. When is that gonna be by the way?"
"Right now, I'm planning on being in the office next Wednesday."
"All right, Steven, but if I don't like your answers when you get back, I'm going to give you an ass whumping."
It was a good thing Danny couldn't see Steve physical reaction to that particular choice of words. Instead he heard a calm, "Can't wait to see you try, Danno. See you Wednesday," and a distinct click.
"Don't mean to eavesdrop, but did I hear you right? You're going to head home next Wednesday?"
Aela's voice startled him. He hadn't realized she'd walked up behind him. He was slipping.
"Yeah, I'm thinking it's about time. I guess I should've asked first if it was okay to stay till then. I don't want to over stay my welcome."
"Steve, you know you can stay as long as needed."
"Yeah, but you've got a life besides babysitting me. What about your boyfriend? How'd you explain this to him?"
"It's not babysitting and there's nothing to explain. Jared knows about you and he'll understand when the time comes."
Walking over to the couch, she sat down beside him. "Steve, just don't push yourself. Do this when you're truly ready not when you think you should."
"I'll be ready. Other than my fingers," he wiggled his splinted digits to emphasize his point, "my wounds are healing nicely. The stitches aren't visible and I can say I shut my hand in the car door or something."
"Why do you need to lie to them?"
Steve sighed. "I promised them not to pull anymore lone ranger stunts after Korea."
"This wasn't a stunt."
"No, but it makes them worry."
"That's what ohana is for."
"I know. It's just that they shouldn't have to worry about me. I'm the team leader."
"You're never gonna lose it are you?"
"Lose what?"
"That big brother protectiveness."
"Probably not."
"It's a good thing we love you just as you are or you'd be a bit overbearing," she teased.
"Better overbearing than not caring."
Aela smiled, "Most definitely."
The rest of the week fell into a pattern. They had breakfast, went on progressively longer walks, played a myriad of card games, ran some errands and coped with the decreasing nightmares. Even Steve's next doctor's visit brought no change. By the time Tuesday night rolled around, Aela agreed with Steve. He was ready to get back into his life.
Back at work.
He felt good about being back. This was his turf. He was in control.
Even though he'd caught a six am chopper ride back to Oahu so he could be in the office early, he didn't have to wait long before Danny was bursting through the doors.
"My God! Please tell me you got the license plate number."
"What license plate, Danny? What are you talking about?"
"I'm talking about the truck that ran you over. Did you get the plate so we can track the SOB down?"
"It wasn't a truck, Danny."
"Obviously, Steve. What the hell did happen? You look like shit."
A perfect opening. One Steve let close. "I broke up a bar fight."
"You broke up a bar fight? I'm assuming Raphaela was with you." Not waiting for a response, Danny continued, "Jeez, Steve. You are the only guy I know who can go out for a couple of drinks with his best friend and still get into trouble. You should start wearing a sign. Instead of "I'm with trouble" yours should say "I am the Trouble." Winding down, Danny asked "Raphaela didn't get hurt did she?"
"No, she's fine. Besides, she can handle herself. I taught her everything she needs to know about taking care of herself."
"Yeah, that's my point, buddy."
At that moment, Chin walked in. Seeing Steve, he went directly to his office.
"Good to have you back, brah. You don't look so hot. You okay?" Chin inquired.
"I'm fine, Chin. Thank you for asking. It's refreshing to have someone care," Steve responded shooting a pointed look at Danny.
Danny knew the barb was aimed at him. "Oh, I care, Steven. I just need to let you know from time to time how bullheaded you are. It keeps your ego in check."
"With friends like you, who need's enemies. Thanks for caring, Danno."
Danny responded with his "I scored one on Steve" grin.
Kono's well timed arrival prevented any more banter. Steve told her and Chin the same thing he'd told Danny. He'd come out on the worse for wear end of breaking up a bar fight. He could tell they didn't quite believe him, but thankfully, they let the matter drop.
The day passed without incident. While the others worked on a current case, Steve tried to concentrate on the paperwork that had built up on his desk over the past two weeks. After the morning's verbal workout, he wasn't sure he'd be able withstand closer scrutiny. If the team thought his lack of interest was strange, they wisely didn't say so to his face.
When quitting time finally arrived, Steve begged off on the round of beers being offered by claiming to be too tired. It wasn't really a lie. Mentally all he wanted was a dark room and blankets pulled over his head. He'd promised Aela he'd call when he got home. It was an easy promise to keep, he needed to talk to her.
Steve welcomed the silence that greeted him at home. He could let his guard down. Grabbing a beer, he punched in her number.
"Hey there, how'd it go today?"
"God, Aela. Is it always gonna be this difficult?"
"No, Steve. It does get easier," she replied, automatically know what he was referring to. "You get so there are longer and longer moments where you don't hit replay in your head. I'm remember the first day I went almost three hours before it came back to me. I celebrated with some malasadas. I didn't even share with Bane. You just have to keep looking forward."
"Yeah, logically I know that but..."
"I know, but your not alone and you can do this. I'm a phone call away. Dr. Halloway is available as well. Just remember to let us help, kay."
"I don't know what I'd have done without you, Aela."
"That's what ohana is for. Have you told the others yet?"
"No, I just can't yet."
"What about Mary or Catherine?"
"Man, Mary couldn't handle this. She can't handle herself. And Cath, well until I can figure out how to tell her all of it, I.."
"Steve, you'll make it."
"I hope you're right."
"Aren't I always?"
"Yeah, you are."
"So I'll say goodnight with a quote from one very wise and strong person. 'Get a goodnight's sleep because you can't kick the shit out of a crappy day if you're running around in a trance.'
Man, he really hated it when she threw his own words back at him.
Over the next three months, he and the team managed to save a some school kids from kidnappers, put away a drug kingpin, find justice for a girl who was killed because of jury tampering and capture some very crafty smugglers. Grace had been kidnapped by an old friend of Danny's and they'd save her as well. Joe still strung them along about Shelburne, but they dealt with that when they needed to. The highlight of the whole time was Chin and Malia's wedding and Aela moving to Oahu to be with Jared.
Through it all, Steve managed to hide his bimonthly appointments with Doc. Halloway and his almost daily calls to Aela. He was finally putting this all behind him at least that's what he told himself. This last case hit a little too close to home.
When Amanda told him and Kono that Dimitri Vonakov had forced himself on her, rage instantly consumed Steve's mind. He let Kono take the lead on questioning to give him time to control his feelings. He promised Amanda that Vonakov would pay for everything he'd done, absolutely everything.
Steve kept his promise. He and the team even created an international incident in the process. Now all they need was confirmation.
As Steve watched Amanda's slight nod, identifying the man who'd violated her, he felt out of breath. Watching her tears, full panic reared it's ugly head inside him. He needed to get away from here and fast. Ordering Chin to take over, he headed, almost ran, for the hospital stairwell. Once the door clicked behind him, he moved to the corner, rested his head against the cool cement wall, then he started to shake.
Danny swung around the hall corner, seeing Kono, Lori and Chin but not Steve. "Hey, Kono, where's the boss man?"
"He went to the stairwell a few minutes ago."
Danny nodded his thanks and headed for the door. He found Steve curled into the corner, shaking uncontrollably. "Jesus, Steve, what's the matter!" The alarm in his voice didn't register in Steve's mind. In fact, Steve didn't even hear Danny. "Steve, buddy, talk to me! I'm gonna call a doctor."
The threat brought Steve around enough for him to moan, "No, no doctor." Danny looked unconvinced. Steve breathed deeply, wincing a little from his cracked ribs. "I'll be fine in a minute. Just coming down from an adrenaline rush," he added shakily.
"Sure doesn't look like that to me. Maybe that car hitting you did something the docs missed the first go round."
"Nah, just the adrenaline, honest. I'm fine." To prove it, Steve stood up, bracing himself against the wall.
Danny was still unconvinced, but for once he let the matter drop. He knew from the set of Steve's shoulders the subject was closed. Steve was relieved, but he knew that look on Danny's face. They'd be revisiting this moment eventually.
How he made it through the remainder of the day, he'd never know. He was fairly sure he'd not done his best with Lori's resignation, but he couldn't make the effort to do any more. After having an extra long phone conversation with Aela that night and a much shorter one to his reporting superior, the next morning Steve packed his duffle and put on his uniform. He was going to do his reserve training onboard the Enterprise. It would serve two purposes, distraction and allowing more time with Cath. Steve gave a weary smile, grabbed his gear and set off to surprise Cath with his plans.
The night terrors waited until his first full night on board. It's really hard to hide those type of things with two other guys in proximity.
"Commander, wake up. Commander!"
The firm voice and the rough shaking of his shoulders brought Steve to slow awareness. At first he didn't remember where he was let alone who this guy was. "What the..."
"Sorry, Commander. You were shouting in your sleep loud enough to wake the whole ship."
Cautiously, Steve asked, "What was I saying?"
"No worries, Commander, nothing was coherent."
"Thanks."
"No problem, sir. Goodnight."
"Night." Steve didn't go back to sleep that night nor did he sleep the next night.
When she was able to connect with Steve on his last full day onboard, Catherine could tell the skuttle butt was on the mark for a change. "Looks like the rumors are true," she teased as he approached.
"What rumors would that be, Cath?"
"The ones about you keeping your bunkmates up all night, shouting in your sleep."
"Yeah," was his response.
"Steve, I've never known you to have nightmares. What's going on?"
Suddenly Steve was more than just physically tired, he was emotionally tired. "Cath, I've got something to tell you, but I need some time and I need to say it in private. The ship isn't the place for this conversation."
"Steve, now you've got me scared. Are you okay, I mean you're not sick or something?"
"No, it's nothing like that. I'm going to be fine."
"I won't be back in port for another two weeks."
"That's okay. It can wait. Can you hold out that long?"
"If I know you're going to be okay, I can."
"I will be, promise."
Those two weeks dragged by. Steve arranged a bar-b-cue at his house for the night after Catherine made port. He invited the team, Aela and Jared, Catherine and even Max, who was an honorary member of Five-0. He made sure Aela, Catherine and Jared arrived well ahead of the others. They were the most invested in the situation.
Catherine was a little confused when she saw Raphaela and her fiance already seated at Steve's kitchen table, but she greeted the other woman with a warm hug and acknowledged Jared with a handshake.
"Spill it, Steve. What's going on with you? The last two weeks have been unbearable," Catherine demanded as she grabbed the beer from his hand.
"Cath, this isn't going to be easy. Have a seat. Please let me tell the whole story before you make any judgements, okay."
Staring at him, she sat down so see could see him and the other two occupants. "Okay, now I'm really scared, what's going on?"
Steve took a deep breath and told her everything. He didn't use the actual word, but he could tell she understood. When he'd finished, Catherine sat there for a long moment not knowing what to say then she blurted out the first thing that came to mind. "And Jared's okay with this?"
Steve let out the breath he'd been holding, but looked to Jared to answer.
Jared wrapped his arm around Raphaela shoulders before speaking. "I have to admit it was hard at first, but I know how much I love Raphaela and how much she loves me. Neither of them had to tell me about it at all. Raphaela could've broken up with me and I'd never been the wiser. It came down to what mattered the most, a brief moment of comfort or a lifetime of happiness."
Catherine thought for a moment, nodded her head in agreement then switched her attention back to Steve. She stood up and enveloped him in a hug, holding on for dear life.
"Cath, are you okay with this? I'm mean all of this?"
"God, Steve, you can't help what happened to you. You're not super human despite what you'd like everyone to believe. As for the rest, it's going to take some time, but I'd like to try."
"That's all I can ask," Steve half whispered, half sighed
The doorbell and Danny's "Hey, man, we're here," broke up the small group.
Everyone was having a good time, but they could tell something was up.
Danny, never one to let things be, demanded, "Enough Steve, tell us why you brought us all here and don't say it's to relax. We can tell when you're lying."
Steve looked at Danny, then around the room. Aela was sitting on Jared's lap, barely showing even though the baby was due in July. Max, Kono and Chin had just finished their discussion about some sci-fi convention Max had attended. Catherine was sitting next to him squeezing his hand. It was in that instant, with his ohana, Steve finally believed he was going to be okay.
"Come on, Steve, spill it. Besides the obvious, what's been going on these last few months," Danny continued.
"If you'd stop yammering for a second, Danno, I'll tell you." Taking a fortifying breath, Steve continued, "When I took time off to hike Puu O Umi, I wasn't really hiking or breaking up a bar fight. I was hiding out at Aela's, recovering from my injuries." Steve didn't let the startled gasps stop him. "As I was getting ready to leave that first Sunday, I was jumped by three guys. They assaulted me. That's really how my fingers and nose got broken."
"Oh, my God, brah, why didn't you tell us?" Chin exclaimed.
"Please let me finish. I didn't want to tell you because I was embarrassed and ashamed. Not because of the beating, but because I was raped."
Steve hadn't really considered how they'd react. Chin and Kono immediately came over to give him hugs. Max put on his contemplative face and nodded his head. Danny though, well Danny got up, walked out to the lanai and kept going down to the beach. Not at all what Steve expected. He didn't know what to do. Finally Aela said, "Go after him, Steve."
When he got to the beach, it took a second to spot Danny. He was down the strip a ways just staring out at the ocean. Steve took his time approaching as he wasn't sure what he was going to do when he reached his partner. Stopping a few feet from the man he considered his brother, Steve also turned to stare at the water. For a long time, all one could hear was waves crashing over each other. Steve knew he owed it to Danny to let him take the lead in the long overdue conversation.
"So, the stairwell, that was a flashback?"
"Yeah."
"The plethora of calls to Raphaela weren't concern for her current condition but therapy calls?"
"Thought I'd covered my tracks there."
"You obviously have a low opinion of my detective skills. Jesus, Steve, tell me that baby isn't yours."
"We don't know yet. They can't safely do a paternity test until next week."
"Why Raphaela?"
"What do you mean?" Steve was shocked by the amount of pain he suddenly heard in Danny's voice.
"Why'd you go to her?"
Steve took a big breath and prayed Aela would forgive him for what he was about to reveal. "She understands. Three years ago, she was raped by her next door neighbor. I was in Kandahar when she called and I came home to be with her. When the hospital asked me who to contact, she was my only choice." Glancing at his partner, Steve realized he'd hurt Danny again. "I needed someone who'd been through it, Danny. Someone who'd let me just deal."
"It's okay, Steve, I understand that part. What I don't get is why you didn't say anything. Don't you trust me enough to know I'd be there?"
"It wasn't a matter of trust, Danny. It was a matter of cowardice. With Aela, I could just be. If I told you, I'd have to admit that it really happened. It would've made it too real. I'm sorry, Danny."
"God, Steve! You don't have to say sorry. I'm the one who's sorry I couldn't be the support you need."
"Honestly, Danny, you couldn't then, but now, you can be now. I still have a long way to go."
"The flashbacks, do they happen often. I mean the stairs was the only one I saw, but were you able to hide others?"
"That was the first one in daylight since I came back to work."
"First in daylight? So I take it you have them at night?"
"Yeah. Mostly when I get too tired or too emotional during the day. Halloway taught me how to watch for triggers and gave me techniques to deal with the nightmares if I'm not able to prevent them."
"Halloway?"
"My therapist."
"What did Raphaela have to threaten you with to get you go?"
Steve chuckled, "I went on my own accord, well mostly."
Danny pondered this for a moment. "Obviously, you didn't press charges."
"No, I didn't."
"You still can, you know."
"Yeah, not ready for that. It's one thing to tell my ohana, it's other thing entirely to tell the world."
"Did Raphaela?"
"What?"
"Did Raphaela press charges?"
"No. She didn't get the chance."
"What do you mean she didn't get the chance?"
"The guy died."
"He died? That's pretty convenient."
"Not really. I shot him."
"You what?! You shot him!?"
"He came back for a second try, didn't know I was on the couch."
"And you what? Just happened to have a gun under your pillow?"
"Yup."
"I would've done the same thing. Shall we go back. I imagine the girls will be fretting."
"In a bit. Aela will keep them from sending out the dogs."
The partners stared out at the ocean in companionable silence for a few minutes more then headed back to the house.
Aela got up as they came through the door. Just her and Catherine remained. Running an assessing gaze over Steve, she turned to Danny, "Mind giving me a ride home?"
Goodbyes were exchanged, phone calls were promised and then Steve watched his two best friends head out into the night. He could hear Catherine in the kitchen, cleaning up. He knew he should go help, but he wasn't sure he wanted to be that close to her right now. They hadn't been together physically since the attack. He wasn't ready and he wasn't sure what to say to her if she pursued the matter. He sank down on the couch with a bit of despair.
After a minute, Catherine realized Steve wasn't going to join her in the kitchen. She became worried because even though it had been a huge night for him, it was completely out of character for him not to help with clean up. She dropped the rag she was holding and headed for the living room. The sight that greeted her tore at her heart.
Steve sat on the couch, elbows on his knees, head in his hands, crying.
She went to him, sinking to her knees in front of him. "Steve, do you want to talk?"
"I don't know what to say, Cath. I don't want to disappoint you."
"Why would you disappoint me?"
"I'm just not ready for. I mean I still want to but." Steve couldn't finish a single sentence.
"Steve, we'll be together again when you're ready. I'm in no hurry. When it happens, it happens."
The relief on Steve's face tugged at her heart again. "How bout I head home and come back tomorrow to finish cleaning up?"
"Would you mind staying in the spare room? This was exactly the type of situation Dr. Halloway told me to stay away from. I don't want to wake up from my dreams to an empty house."
"Not a problem. Whatever you need."
Steve woke the next morning in surprise, he hadn't woken up once during the night. He didn't even remember dreaming. He was whistling off-key and making breakfast when Catherine joined him. "Good Morning, Sailor."
"Yes it is a good morning," he agreed cheerfully.
La fine