A week, it's only been a week. Feels like it's been months, at least, looking at Castiel makes it seem that long. He has sat in that chair facing the open window since that night. Since his wings were ripped away, his grace along with it. The Winchester brother's still don't understand how Crowley actually did it, but he did. Maybe he had some help from Naomi, but that doesn't really matter. Nothing does anymore. So Castiel sits in this spot, in this chair, and stares outside every day, and every night.
He's human now, and yet he barely eats, and sleeps even less. Only time he leaves is to go to the bathroom, just to return back to his spot. He hadn't bothered to shave off his beard. He didn't care how he looked, why does it matter?
Dean's been worried since the second Castiel planted himself in that very spot, but he hasn't spoken a word to him. What's the point? Sam's tried, and the only response he ever gets from him is "I need another beer."
But enough was enough; Dean couldn't watch him like this. Not anymore. Castiel was a prideful man, a righteous one, one who was once an angel of the lord. The very angel he would pray to, every night. Prayed to keep his brother safe, prayed to make sure he keeps himself safe and sometimes even prayed to keep Dean safe. The angel who saved both brothers from hell. The one who was always there for Dean when he called. Always. Now he has been reduced to nothing. Now he was just a man that desperately needed to fly.
He walked up behind Cas, crossed his arms, and stared out the window too. "Cas" nothing.
"Cas."
"What is it, Dean." He still hasn't turned around to even acknowledge his presence. A sharp pain jabs at his chest. He sounds so hollow.
"Look at me."
"No."
"Cas, look, you can't keep doing this. You need to get out of this shitty motel and start doing something. You can't keep staring out this window for the rest of your life. Sammy and I just started working on this case, you should come help too. Anything but this man."
"Help you, on a case?"
"Yeah. C'mon, go grab your damn trench coat and get back in action with us. Nothing helps forget-"Castiel slammed his bottle of beer on the table and stood up and turned over to stare at Dean. Dean hasn't seen that look in a long time. Not since he was a kid and his dad would come home from a long hunt, with no success of finding the demon who stole Mary from them. The kind of look that made Dean feel like if he got too close, his father would beat him because he couldn't kill it. And that look still scared him.
"So, just fight and forget. That's your big idea? I lost my grace, Dean. I'm a fallen angel, just like Lucifer. I am no longer an angel of the lord. I am no longer one of the guardians of heaven. Now I know it's easy for you to plow through shit that may make you look vulnerable, even for a second, but I. Can't. Do. That. I'm not you." He shoved past Dean and made his way to the door, his hand reached the knob, but Dean wasn't about to just let him walk off like that.
"Okay Cas, I get it. You're not an angel anymore. I get it that you can't look at yourself without seeing all of the shit that went wrong, that you did wrong. I get it that-"
"If you say 'I get it' one more time, I swear I will kill you." He didn't even bother to turn back around. "Because you don't 'get' it Dean and you never fucking will. I was once an angel; you were and still are just a man. But want to know the part that kills me most? Do you? Out of everything that happened, all the things we did, all the things you did, and the thing I don't fucking understand is why I still love you. And if I had the chance to wipe it all away, erase everything, erase the second I saved you from hell, I wouldn't. I would make all the same mistake again, and I would do them for you. And in the end, I'm the only one who lost it all, I even lost you. Tell me how that seems fair."
Castiel grabbed his coat from the coat rack and stormed out the room, leaving Dean alone.
It's been hours since Castiel left, and it's getting dark out. Dean couldn't wait around for him anymore, he needed to go find him and he needed to find him now. He had an idea where he'd be, it was only about a 30 minute drive from here.
He was right. Castiel was standing on the cliff, the very spot where Crowley stripped him of his powers. He was right along the edge. Dean stepped out of the Impala and before he took a step toward him, Castiel waved him off.
"Leave. Now, Dean."
"And if I do then what? What are you gonna do once I drive off Cas."
"Doesn't matter what I'm going to do. What matters is that you're still not leaving."
"And I'm not gonna leave, not without you. I told you, I won't leave you again and I meant it."
Castiel still wouldn't turn around, he still wouldn't step away. "Cas, please, I'm begging you."
"Tell me."
"Tell you what?"
"Tell me, right now, how much I actually do mean to you, Dean. Tell me and I swear I'll go with you. If not, I'm staying. I just, I can't keep going like this, Dean. I need something to hold on to because if I don't, I'm going to drown. And nothing is going to bring me back this time."
"Cas stop being stupid. You know how much you mean to me."
"Dean, for once in your god damn life, stop avoiding what you need to say. It's not just for you anymore, I need it too. I'm scared Dean."
"I'm scared too, Cas. We can be scared together, alright? Come on, just walk away from that ledge and come to me, and we find something, anything to make this somehow work. But I need you to trust me because…" He stares at Castiel, so many things flooding through his mind right now. He can't, he can't just spill everything out to him. Not after he buried it all in years ago and swore never to dig it up. The only thing he has ever learned in this damn life is that you can't leave you heart open on your sleeves. Eventually, someone will break it. And one day, that someone might be the very person you left it out for.
"I need you. I need you, Cas."
"Dean…" that one word, was able to rip the last shred of Dean's pride. He sounds broken, and he is the reason that he lost all his pieces.
"Dammit, Cas! I love you! I have for I don't even know how long, but none of that matters. What matters is that if I lose you again, I will die. I'm sorry I failed you like I do everyone else. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that all I can say is I'm sorry, but I swear on my life that I will find a way to make this right. Even if it kills me, I will make it right. Cas please, I'm begging you. I need you. I love you."
In that split second, Castiel is hugging him for all that it was worth. Dean can feel the tears scattered across his face, and he hugs him back just as tight. "I'm gonna fix you, Cas. I promise."