Disclaimer: Not mine and never will be, I write cos I wanna :D
Warnings: Remus/Sirius slash, sad-ish stuff

A/N: I wrote this ages ago, and wanted to make this massive epic type thing of the whole of Sirius and Remus' lives from this point, but I struggled so I'm posting this anyway because I quite like it :D Pwease pwease review? *huggles reviewers*

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I remember being cold. Not in the literal sense, I had plenty of heating charms on mine and Sirius' bed. No, my coldness came form the lack of Sirius there. In those months leading up to that Halloween, me alone in that usually comforting bed became a more frequent scene.

That night was the first I was able to sort through my feelings properly. Sirius came home in the middle of the night, and was being considerately quiet so as to not wake me. Of course, I wasn't asleep.

With my sharp senses I could smell the cold night air and leather, and I knew then he had been flying on his motorbike. I tried not to think of when he first showed me his new purchase, his eyes shining with youthful excitement and the innocence they still held in that time before the war took over our lives.

I opened my eyes when he slid into bed – next to me, but not touching – to look at those eyes then. I recognised the ever-changing stormy grey eyes that stared back at me, but they may as well have been a stranger's.

"I'm sorry I woke you up."

"It's fine."

There was a pause then.

I searched for the man I knew in Sirius' eyes. It took me longer than I would have likes, but eventually I thought I had found it.

"How was your evening?"

"Fine." He was staring at the ceiling now.

I remembered a time when he wouldn't shut up about his bike; he wanted to share as much of the experience as he could, even though I refused to fly with him. I missed the old Sirius' enthusiasm. He had worn a cold, detached mask for too long. The war had changed him.

I realised that I knew very little about the man Sirius was then. I was still in love with Sirius-the-teenager who copied my homework, had a too charming smile, changed into Padfoot to cheer me up, and made stupid mistakes. The man in my bed was faultless, a soldier who I hadn't seen smile since before his confrontation with the Death Eaters on his last mission with the Order. I imagined he smiled when he rode his bike, but that was something he wasn't willing to share with me anymore.

But still I needed him there. I needed him to remind me that I was human. He had done so much for me and I couldn't bear to let him go. Being alone was one of my greatest fears.

I was selfish when I realised it. I was too afraid to confront Sirius, afraid he might just leave because he couldn't remember why he was still with me either.

I sent a glance his way. His back faced me, but I could tell from his breathing that he wasn't asleep yet.

"I love you, Sirius." And it was true. But it was a desperate kind of love, reserved for only those people who had no-one else to turn to.

He stiffened in response, and said nothing. He didn't believe me I think.

But that was fine.

I had made my decision to say nothing, not that I would have known how to explain my feelings anyway.