This is my first attempt at a Star Trek fic, so bare with any mistakes I make along the way. This is completely un-beta'd so if you see any mistakes, please point them out so I can fix them. Thank you.

Warnings for this chapter: Mild language

Things always happen for a reason, do they not? The events of the world, the people one meets, and the words chosen to say all occur for a specific purpose whether it be good or bad. Some might say there is no escaping fate or cheating death, but for a certain James Tiberius Kirk that was far from the truth. The Starship Captain had been in death's grip on far too many occasions to keep track of and he was still alive – mostly alive in any case. Doctor McCoy had confided, in the privacy of Jim's living quarters, that the young Captain was suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. In Jim Kirk's mind, it was not even a possibility. He cast away the diagnosis and dismissed his friend with a wave of his hand, retreating behind the protective wall inside of his mind. Although he had been reassured it was only natural to have some form of undesired after-effect from playing with death and tempting fate, if Starfleet were to catch wind of the nightmares and late-night hallucinations the Enterprise's Captain regularly had, he would be forced to retire – something he was not willing to do any time soon. With that knowledge McCoy had locked away the information, stripping it from all official medical documents and continuing about his day knowing that when it got to be too much for his friend, he would be there to help.

Jim had not slept in over thirty-six hours and yet there he was lounging almost awkwardly in the Captain's chair on the bridge, gazing blankly down at the floor. It was silent save for the occasional shuffling of boots on the polished floor and the soft yawns that came from Hikaru Sulu who had, more than likely, been awake far longer than his captain. The atmosphere was thick, both Commander Spock and Lieutenant Uhura's sour moods weighing heavily on the crew on the bridge. Less than forty-eight hours ago they had been exploring an unknown planet and, of course, Jim Kirk had insisted to be a part of the landing party and had left Spock as acting Captain of his beloved Enterprise. What had been assumed to be a simple exploration had turned positively grim and bloody, leaving three crew members dead, one science office critically injured, and Kirk on the brink of death… again. Under direct orders from Captain Kirk, all of the main bridge crew had been left on the ship to rest and help from a distance. Spock had argued with the captain's logic at first but had fallen silent after several minutes of forcing logic and reasoning at his friend. Jim had yet to breathe a word of the events that had taken place on the planet he was calling 'Hell's Sauna' and both Uhura and Spock were both furious that the male had managed to get himself into another situation where he nearly died – again! – when he would have been perfectly safe on the ship or with their company.

"Jim, she's asking for you and I still need to treat the rest of your wounds." Doctor McCoy's voice filtered into the silent bridge, instantly making each body tense and gaze warily at Uhura and Spock, who remained visibly undisturbed by the break in the silence as they worked. Jim straightened up slightly and rolled his aching shoulders before he rose to his feet, ignoring the pounding in his head and the spinning of the room as he moved. "Mister Spock, you have the conn." Kirk said in a steady and disconnected tone as he made his way off of the bridge and down to the Medical Bay. He knew he had worried his friends and crew… knew that he had messed up… but he had a duty as Captain to keep everyone on his ship save – and in Kirk's mind that meant putting himself in danger and keeping them out of it. As Jim stepped into his destination, he was relieved to find Carol Marcus sitting up in one of the beds, the color of her skin back to normal from the sickly grey tone and most of her wounds patched up. Her arm was in a cast, but he was sure it was something that would be easily fixed by Doctor McCoy. She smiled at him from across the room and he was about to make his way to her side when the stern face of the doctor came into view and ushered him back towards a bed of his own. He winced and hissed as his wounds were tended to in a less than delicate manner, his eyes shutting on their own accord. He did what he felt he had to do, nothing more and nothing less… at least, that's what Jim kept telling himself. "Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor not a miracle worker." McCoy mumbled as he worked, more than likely referring to how he had barely managed to save the captain's life when he had shown up writhing and bloody on the transporter floor roughly forty-three hours ago. The moment each of his remaining wounds had been taken care of and the bandage on his shoulder changed again, Jim was on his feet and beside Carol in an instant.

"Thank you." Was the first thing that left the woman's mouth as Jim stood next to her, taking in her appearance at a closer standpoint and accessing the damage he hadn't seen from afar. Jim was silent for a moment before he grinned his trademark grin and responded, "Hey, you know me. Couldn't let a beautiful lady like you fall victim to something like that." He paused, his expression returning serious before he glanced over his shoulder towards McCoy. "I'm glad you're okay. I was worried that I had been too late." He said before gently patting her hand and backing away. "I need to return to the bridge before Spock tries to deem me emotionally compromised and take over my ship." He said with a faint smile as he turned and made his way back to the bridge, completely aware of Doctor McCoy's following footsteps. The ride in the lift was silent, both men knowing what awaited them when they reached the top and both choosing not to speak a word of it. As the doors slid open and they stepped onto the bridge, James Tiberius Kirk found himself face to face with a furious Lieutenant and a carefully composed Vulcan. Uhura was the first to break the silence, "You can't keep doing this, Captain! You continuously put yourself in harm's way and ignore the rules. I know what you're thinking, that this is the best way to keep the rest of us safe, but what are we supposed to do if you die on one of these death waltz of yours?" She was positively fuming and there was more she wanted to say, it was written clear on her face, but Kirk spoke up at that moment with a simple, "If something were to happen to me, Commander Spock would step up to acting captain. That's what he's here for, Lieutenant; that's part of his job." His voice was cold and distant, much different from the warm and openness he generally shared with those aboard his ship, must have sparked something in his first officer seeing as how the calm exterior took on a sharper and more defined look.

"Captain, while I understand the complete and sound logic in your statement, I believe you are misunderstanding the Lieutenant. It is not a matter of what we, as a professional crew, would do in the event of your death but of what we, as friends, would do. As I am only half human it is only logical that I embrace the Vulcan half of myself to perform as expected while on the Enterprise... but it is highly illogical for you to do the same by hiding behind a mask of perfection while you suffer mentally." Kirk's eyes widened slightly as his mind absorbed the Vulcan's words, part of him amazed at how the male had been able to see exactly what he was doing and part of him being afraid that Spock knew everything he was hiding. He was about to respond but his first officer continued instead, "You do not seem to understand the effect your death would have on the people you hold dear. You no longer fear it – in fact, you crave it. Fear is essential in a Starship Captain for it is what gives them that brief moment of pause to make the correct and logical decision in a situation. Without this fear, Captain, you are no longer fit for duty." Spock's words shook the young captain to the bone, his hands curling into firsts at his side as he took in a deep breath to steady himself before he relaxed his posture once again. Spock was correct, he didn't understand how much his death would affect his crew because he hadn't ever had anyone close enough to him to even consider it before he joined Starfleet. There was a long silence that stretched over the bridge once again as Kirk struggled to find the words to express himself. He sighed softly and shook his head, gazing down at the polished floor beneath his feet. "You're wrong, Spock. I do fear. I was scared as hell when I did what I did down there… but I had already lost three of my crew and couldn't stand to lose another so I did the only thing I knew how to do. It was a gut feeling and I reacted on my own without thinking about it. I don't put myself into danger because it's something I enjoy… I do it because I have an obligation to my crew – my family – to keep them safe. If it comes down to me or any one of the people on this ship, without a doubt I'll sacrifice myself. We all know that." He fell silent again, lifting his gaze to lock evenly with Spock's as the entire bridge recalled the events of Khan's attack three years before.

Uhura's face had softened by that point and even Spock seemed to understand in his own way. As Kirk's hand lifted to run through his blonde locks of hair, he huffed out a breath of air and shifted his weight awkwardly, waiting for someone to say something. He didn't have to wait long before Doctor McCoy was speaking up for the first time since their arrival on the bridge, "What in God's name happened down there, Jim?" It was a simple enough question, one that should have been answered without difficulty or hesitation, but Jim was instantly tense and alert as he shook his head. "Words don't do it justice, Bones. I don't… I don't know how to explain." He was distressed and panic bubbled under the surface of his tired gaze. All Jim wanted to do was forget everything for a day and sleep away the aching pain in his body and the burning memories in his head. He had to figure out what he was going to say in his Captain's Log, too… but he didn't want to bother with it just yet. It could wait another few hours. "Captain, if you will allow me to mind-meld with you I can explain to the crew just what happened while you return to your quarters to rest and regain your energy." Spock suggested as if it were the most obvious solution in the world. Mind-melding… Kirk had almost forgotten that his first officer was able to do such a thing. It wasn't every day that he witnessed it, after all.

Absently, he thought over all the possible outcomes of melding with Spock before Jim sighed softly and nodded his approval. "It would benefit us both to be seated during this interaction." Spock said as he quickly stepped into the turbo lift and raised an eyebrow, waiting for the captain and doctor to join him. "Mister Sulu, you have the conn. We shouldn't be too long." Kirk said hastily as he jumped into the lift just before the doors closed. He didn't ask questions as the three of them made their way to the mess hall, which was silent and deserted considering the early hour of the morning. He trusted Spock's judgment more than anyone else on the ship and willingly went along with most of the other's ideas. They were seated facing one another with McCoy across the table from them, obviously there as a precaution, when Spock's hand lifted to hover over Kirk's face. "Spock." Said man paused at the sound of his name from his captain's lips. "Whatever you see and find in my head… if it's not necessary for the crew to know, I would appreciate it if you kept it to yourself and didn't think about it." The first officer nodded his agreement before he closed the distance and initiated the meld, finding himself swallowed whole by the overwhelming thoughts in the captain's mind. He had decided before beginning that the easiest way to get the complete story would be to experience it from Kirk's point of view from the beginning, so when everything came into focus he found himself – rather he found Kirk – standing casually on the desert sands of the planet they had gone to investigate with Carol Marcus to his left and three security crew members to his right. They were surrounded by trees and brush, odd in Spock's scientific opinion considering the ground they stood on was undoubtedly sand. Something moved ahead of them and Kirk's eyes glanced over to the disturbance, paling visibly at what he saw.