Author: Raven Shadowrose
Title: Dear Dad
Rating: K+ for themes
Paring: Jeff/Dixie (sort of)
Summary: Dixie writes to her dad after the events of the Casualty episode Just Like A Woman from series 24, there a few spoilers from the series in this story.
Disclaimer: I do not know or own any of the characters from Casualty, any original characters and the story are my property and I do not give permission for them to be used.
Dear Dad,
I know that you're angry with me and that I am the last person you want to see or hear from right now. I know that I've upset you and caused you pain and for that I am sorry. The last thing that I wanted to do was hurt you in any way. I know that you want me to settle down and be with someone that will look after me, that is why you gave me mum's ring for Jeff to use as an engagement ring. I thought that by marrying Jeff I would make you proud of me. I just wanted to be the type of daughter that you've always wanted me to be. I failed, all I've managed to do is make you unhappy and I've probably made your illness worse with the stress of finding out about me being a lesbian. Jeff told me that I should tell you the truth about myself and I wish that I had. I didn't want you to find out about me in the way that you did. I should have come clean to you a long time ago, I just wasn't sure how to tell you that I couldn't be the daughter that you wanted. I know that you wanted me to settle down with a good man, get married and have children. How could I tell you that I wouldn't be walking down the aisle of the church where you and mum got married? How could I tell you that I wouldn't be wearing a white dress and starting a happily married life that would result in children? I'm sorry dad, I know that I have let you down, I really don't know how I am going to make it up to you.
Don't blame Jeff for any of this, it isn't his fault, I mentioned before that he tried to convince me to tell you about myself, he tried for a long time. I was too stubborn and I wouldn't listen to him. Jeff resisted for some time before he eventually gave in and agreed to go along with it. He agreed after a bang on the head, someone pushed him back out of the ambulance and he hit his head quite hard on the floor. I wonder if it was the bang on the head that made him agree to marry me? I know I'm not what Jeff is looking for, he has often talked about wanting a woman that loves him and kids that adore him. I can't give him that, I love Jeff as a friend and that is all there is to it. We've been through so much together and that is why I thought of him to help me do this. I know that one day soon we will divorce and Jeff will be free to find someone that can give him the love that he deserves. He has done enough for me and I can't ask more of him. If you have to blame anyone for making this wedding happen then I want you to blame me. I think I should have gone about this differently, maybe I could have spared you the broken heart that you have now.
The last thing that I want to do I fight with you, I don't think that there is enough time left for us to spend it fighting. When you told me that you had lung cancer and that you were dying, it almost broke my heart. We lost mum before her time and now it looks like I am going to lose you too. What am I going to do without you? I know that I am too old to be an orphan, that is what it feels like I am about to become though. I don't think that there is enough time left for us to argue and fight over who I am. I don't want to lose you dad, I love you. I know that probably doesn't mean much considering that I have hurt you and lost your trust because I lied to you. I didn't mean to lie, I thought it was for the best. I was stupid, I kissed Lena and you saw it happen. I don't think that I am going to see her again after what happened afterwards. It seems that I am doomed to a life of being alone. I'm sorry, this isn't the time for me to be wallowing in self-pity.
I wonder if you know why I am writing you this letter, I know that you don't want to see me right now. I know that you think that I am not the daughter that you thought I was. It breaks my heart for me to think that I have let you down so badly. I didn't want that to happen. I hope that by writing this letter that you will know how sorry I am. I wish that I could do or say something to change everything that happened. I wish that I could turn back the clock and make everything better. Most of all I wish that I could change your illness and make it so that the doctors will be able to save you and that you don't have to die. I don't want you to die dad, how am I going to be able to go on with my life without you? I know I've said that before, or something similar. I don't know how to deal with the knowledge that I will have to live on after you're gone. How am I going to do that? I don't know if I can, it was hard enough after mum died.
I remember the horrible days after mum had died, the house felt so much colder without her there. I remember crying for what felt like days after her death. What will I do after you're gone? I don't know, I've faced my fair share of trials in this life and come through them all, I think this might be the one that defeats me. I think this might be the one time that I can't stay strong. I think this might be the one challenge that turns me into a crying wreck. I should have told you that Jeff and I weren't a couple the first time that you assumed that we were. I don't know what stopped me, maybe because you looked so happy at the thought of me having someone to take care of me. I didn't want you worrying about me at a time when you need to be looking after yourself. How come whenever I try to do my best for the people that I love it always seems to end up in me hurting them? Oh dad, how did it end up like this? You shouldn't be alone at a time like this, I should be there and helping to look after you. You are by yourself and it is all my fault. I'm sorry dad, I wish that everything had turned out differently, I wish I could be the daughter that you wanted. I wish that I hadn't let you down and hurt you. I am sorry and one day I hope that you forgive me.
I love you, always,
Kathleen.