Castiel is shocked when he arrives at the open door of his dorm room. No, shocked doesn't even begin to cut it. Astonished, maybe. The feeling one gets when their world begins to come crashing down around them? More accurate.

He quickly ducks out of sight, leaning against the wall dramatically as he fights for breath. No no no, this is bad, this was very, very bad. When he'd transferred here to see Dean, he hadn't intended it to be like this!

Standing in the room, unpacking and humming to himself (probably Zeppelin) is Castiel's new roommate. Who also happens to be his high school boyfriend, who, surprise, he isn't over yet. And on top of that lovely development, it had all been Castiel's fault and Dean probably hates him for it. Yep, the universe loves him today.

He takes a deep breath. "Okay, come on. You can do this. he probably won't even recognize you. And if he does, you can run. Pretend you have the wrong room, or-" he mutters to himself, steeling his nerves before taking one last deep breath and walking into the room, trying to appear nonchalant and normal. He probably fails miserably.

He says a quiet hello, depositing his suitcase on the remaining empty bed. His roommate turns around, a friendly smile on his face. That was one of the things Cas loves about Dean, how he's always so friendly and polite to strangers. Not that he's a stranger, but Dean doesn't know that, does he? It's not like they had sex in like fifteen different places, or- Okay, he really needs to stop this.

Dean seems to freeze when he sees Cas, his smile dropping and his eyes widening. Castiel stands there like a deer caught in the headlights, heart pounding as he waits for Dean to recognize him. But it must be his lucky day (actually, it is, seeing as it's a thursday and he was named after the angel of said day) because a second later Dean shakes his head and the smile returns.

"Sorry, for a second there you looked like someone I used to know." The way he says it gives nothing away, and Cas tries not to overanalyze it too much.

"I'm Dean." He continues, holding out a hand, and Cas shakes it, realizing he can't introduce himself as Castiel. "I'm Jimmy." he supplies quickly, glad he at least came up with something.

"So, if we're gonna be roommates, I gotta ask, what's your opinion on classic rock?"

Cas just smiles, realizing it might be very hard not to cry.

Cas (Jimmy, as Dean knows him) and Dean become good friends over the next couple of weeks. They don't have any classes together, which Cas thanks his lucky stars for, because if a teacher or anyone called him Castiel in front of Dean, it would be all over. But the world seems to love him after all (no sarcasm this time), because Dean never recognizes him and he's doing a really good job of not making a total idiot of himself and majorly fucking everything up.

And Dean doesn't mention him, so that makes it easier. At least, until one day.

They're sitting in their room, talking about everything and nothing, and somehow the conversation gets turned to high school. Cas has to be careful about what he says, and tries to only talk about the school he went to before he met Dean. He makes up people and friends and family, and can't help wondering if he's becoming a compulsive liar or if he's just extremely intent on protecting his identity.

Then the conversation gets even more dangerous, and turns to relationships. Cas reveals that he's gay, and pretends to worry that Dean will judge him. Dean assured him that he didn't care. In fact, he's had a boyfriend once himself, senior year of high school.

"There was this guy. It was great, but it ended badly. I never really saw him again."

"I'm sorry." Cas says sympathetically, and he hopes Dean doesn't notice that he's apologizing for more than people normally do when they take pity on someone. Because it's Castiel's fault.

"Whatever, it was a few years ago, it's no big deal." Dean shrugs, but Cas can't help but notice the way Dean's expression darkens for half a second, before returning to a more normal expression as he goes on to tell Cas about all the bitches he's scored over the years.

And that's that. Dean's moved on, it's fine, Cas doesn't have to worry anymore, doesn't have to feel guilty. So he smiles, a small quiet smile that's as much for Dean as it's for himself. And he almost manages to ignore the feeling that's sort of like his heart slowly being torn in half.

They soon become best friends, and Cas can't help noticing the ironic sense of Deja vu. He never says anything, though, but he knows he'll never be able to keep this up forever. He's already decided on a made up story of transferring at the end of the semester to take care of his sick mother. Because he Dean is okay, and Castiel doesn't need to explain or apologize anymore. He has no reason to be here and it will just lead to heartbreak, he's sure.

Still, it makes him hate himself even more for not getting here when Dean still loved him, because then maybe he could have explained and they could have been together. But now there's no point, because Dean's moved on, and bringing it up will not only dig up old feelings that one might prefer to keep buried, but Dean would hate him even more for not telling him who he was, for being his friend, for lying. And Cas doesn't need Dean to hate him any more than he already does.

So he decides to forget about it and enjoy his last couple months with Dean, because he missed him so much, and he'll probably never see him again. Which is his fault, of course.

At least, that's what he thinks, until he walks in to find Dean sitting on his bed, looking lost and broken for the first time since they became roommates. He's got his head in his hands and he's staring at the floor as if he's not sure what to do. Cas's heart immediately clenches at the sight, because he's still in love with Dean and it kills him to him this way.

"Dean?" he asks, sitting down beside him on the bed. "What's wrong?"

"It's stupid. It's so stupid. I don't know why I can't just forget about it."

"What?"

Dean hesitates. "You...you remember how I told you about that guy? The one who things ended badly with?"

"Yeah." Cas all but whispers, afraid of what Dean might say next.

"He's...I… I never got over it. I don't think I ever could. It's so, so stupid. It's been two years, and still I can't let it go. Somedays I get like this, I start remembering and I can't forget."

"What...What happened, Dean?" Cas asks quietly, though he knows exactly, all too well. "I mean, unless you don't want to talk about it." he adds.

"No, I've never really told anyone everything, I'd like to." he closes his eyes, as if recalling things he'd rather forget.

"I'd like to hear the story." No, he actually really wouldn't. Really, really wouldn't.

Dean takes a deep breath and gives a bittersweet, heartbreaking smile. "His name was Castiel. We met during senior year. We quickly became best friends, and then more than that. I finally got up the courage to tell him how I felt, and it was the best decision I ever made. We were in love. We planned to be together forever, go to the same college, spend the rest of our lives together. I've never been happier in my life." Dean's voice catches, and he swallows.

"Then, one day, out of nowhere, he leaves. He didn't love me anymore." Another pause. "I didn't understand. I thought it was my fault. I asked him what I did, told him I could change, begged him to give me another chance. For weeks I called, begging him to come back. I couldn't sleep, couldn't do anything. I would have dropped out of school, but I thought that maybe if I did well and graduated he would love me again." A quiet half sob, half chuckle. "I know it's stupid, but I was ridiculously obsessed with getting him back. I really loved him. I didn't have time for pride.

"When nothing worked, I thought maybe I we could start over, be friends, and maybe we would fall in love again like the first time. But when I offered my friendship, he just said he thought we should just stay away from each other. I was out of options. Right before I went to college, the college we were planning to go to together, I finally gave up." Dean looks down. "I don't even know if he came here, and honestly I don't know if I would want him to or not. The rational part of my mind says that it's better that I haven't seen him. I don't know if I could handle that. But I had to go to this school, because it was the only one I got into, and I have to be there for Sammy, get a good job to put him through college himself in a few years. And I figured if he really didn't want to see me, he could go somewhere else. He's really smart, and his family is rich, so he had a ton of options." Dean gulps, a tear escaping down his cheek.

"I should be over him by now, but there are some days I…" he trails off. "I still think about him every day, you know. I used to have dreams, where he came back, where he loved me again. I would wake up crying, half out of happiness, and half out pain when I realized it was only a dream. Some nights I would just sit and stare at the front door, as if any second he would come bursting through and everything would be okay again." Another gulp. "It was getting better. I was finally starting to get over him, but then you showed up. You look so much like him, I can't help but think about him. And your eyes...they're the exact same. You're a walking reminder of him, and every time I see you it's harder and harder.

"I dated a few other people since then, but nothing could compare to him really, so I gave up. He was the one, you know? He was it for me, and I lost that." Now more tears are coming, and Cas realizes he's crying too, wet trails making their way down his cheeks as he watches how torn apart Dean is, over him, because of him. and he just can't stand it any more.

"Dean." He doesn't look up. Cas takes a deep breath, and his heart is trying to escape out of his throat.

"Dean, my real name isn't Jimmy. It's Castiel."

Dean's head snaps up to meet the other boy's eyes. His breath hitches and catches in his throat, and he searches those blue eyes for any sign that this is a lie, some cruel joke. Castiel takes a deep breath. "It's me, Dean."

For several moments, there's a long silence, before Dean's eyes widen in recognition.

"Cas." Dean whispers, disbelief etched across his features as if this is just another dream. He stares at Castiel with wide shocked eyes, and for a second they just sit there frozen. The next second Dean is jolting off the bed as if he's been burned.

"I'm sorry Cas, I can't-" He turns to go, to bolt out the door and never come back, but before he can ruin away Cas is grabbing his hand.

"Please Dean, just wait. Let me explain,a nd then you never have to see me again. Just let me explain." Cas pleads. Slowly, Dean turns around. He seems to consider for a second, before he gingerly sits down on the bed, carefully distancing himself from Castiel. He looks almost scared, and Cas realizes it because of him, because Dean is afraid he's going to get his heart broken again, and Dean can't handle that, not this time.

"Dean…" he begins, not sure where to start, not sure what to say now that he's finally at the moment he's been dreaming about for two years, when he can finally explain, finally make things right. "My dad found out about us." Dean opened his mouth to say something, but Cas softly shushed him. "Someone saw us together, or he heard about it, or something. When he found out he was furious. He said I was a disgrace and I had to end it with you immediately or he would force me to move to the other side of the country." Cas paused. "I knew it would be nearly impossible to leave you, but if I broke things off, at least I could still see you, even if I wasn't allowed to talk to you. But I told him I couldn't, and so he raised the bar.

"He said that if I continued to have any sort of relations to you, friendship of otherwise, he would make sure you didn't get into any colleges in the state. I knew he could do it, do whatever he wanted, and that's when I caved. I couldn't let him jeopardize your future because of me."

"Cas-"

"I'm not done. The night that we broke up, and I had to pretend I didn't love you, which couldn't have been further from the truth, it was the worst night of my life. I went home and cried for hours in my room, and I refused to speak to my father. And I began to come up with a plan.

"Since I was born, there's been a savings account my Uncle Balthazar set up to pay for my college tuition, so my father had no control over it. It was supposed to be mine the moment I turned 18, and then I would be out of my father's control and I could go to you and explain everything." Cas paused to gauge Dean's reaction, but the other boy's expression was guarded and neutral. "But there were complications. My father wanted to make sure I stayed in line, so he took control of the money, making it so I was powerless to do anything other than play the good little son for a couple years in order to gain his trust. I even got a girlfriend, Meg, to make him think I was good now. And eventually, it worked. I got the money, and I transferred here, so I could find you and explain, or at least see you again, whether you knew it was me or not. I never expected us to be roommates, nor did I expect to you still be broken up about what happened. I thought you must have moved on, and for a while I thought you had. While it hurt, I was still happy, because I didn't want you to ever be in pain, especially not because of me." He smiles sadly. "But you're not. And it kills me, Dean.

"I used to watch you, every day. I had to pretend to be indifferent whenever we talked, but I was so proud every time you got an A on a test or assignment. I smiled every time I saw you, and I hoped every day that you were okay."

"Cas…" Dean starts, and this time Cas let him talk. "Cas, why the hell couldn't you have just told me why you left?"

"It was hard enough loving you and knowing I couldn't be with you, I didn't want you to have to go through it too. This way, I thought, you would hate me, and then you would move on and forget about me. And as much as that hurt, I wanted you to be happy."

"Cas, there was no way I could ever be happy if you told me you didn't love me. It broke my heart, and nothing has ever been able to fix it."

"I know Dean. I'm not asking you to forgive me, I'm not even asking you to ever talk to me again, but I need you to understand. It was never your fault. I never stopped loving you, and there's no way I ever will, okay? I'm so sorry for everything, but remember, I always loved you and you're way too amazing and perfect to ever be broken over someone like me, so please, please stop. It was never your fault." Cas is crying again, but he tries for a smile, hoping now, Dean can be okay, even if he never will be.

Dean doesn't say anything, just looks down at his lap, and Castiel stands up. He should be feeling at peace now that he's finally explained everything, but all he feels is a strange emptiness at the thought that Dean can move on now, he can forget about Castiel forever. And he knows it's ridiculously selfish, but the thought kills him.

"I'm sorry." He say one last time, and turns to go. He can come back later to get his stuff, when he knows Dean won't be around. For now he just needs to go, because Dean probably hates him now and he couldn't bear that.

He's almost to the door when Dean finally speaks. "I couldn't ever stop either." Cas turns around.

"What?"

"Loving you. I'll never be able to stop loving you. It's impossible. You can't ask me to do something like that." Dean finally looks up, and Castiel is surprised to find a new fierceness he hasn't seen in years.

"So you're not walking out that door, because you can't, and I'm not going to let you. I can't live without you, and you're not doing this to me again."

"Dean…" Cas begins. "You should hate me."

"Yeah, but I don't. You didn't have a choice. God Cas, can you really blame yourself for that crap? You're so stupid sometimes."

"What?"

Dean gets up from the bed and moves towards Castiel, stopping until they're just a foot apart.

"I love you, you idiot, so you're not leaving me again."

"Dean…" Cas can feel the tears again, and Dean is looking at him like he's the most important thing in the world, and then Cas is sobbing into Dean's neck, saying over and over how sorry he is, and how much he loves him, and promising he'll never leave. And Dean just holds him and tells him it's okay, everything's okay now, and finally, Cas stops crying and looks up.

Dean immediately leans down to capture Cas's lips in a ridiculously loving and happy kiss that Cas is convinced he doesn't deserve and Dean was sure he'd never have again. And when they finally pull apart, Dean blinks at Cas as if seeing him for the first time.

"Wow, you got even hotter since high school. I didn't think it was possible." Cas just laughs and swats at his arm, leaning up to kiss him again.

And Dean laughs too, because finally, they're both okay again.

My first Destiel fic, reviews are much appreciated! XD Thank you for reading, lovelies!