I had that dream again. The one where he comes into my room and sits on the bed with me.
"Ginny," he says, "I need you. You make me feel alive." Then he kisses me slowly and passionately. His hands wander all over my body and undress me. He plays with my hair and kisses my neck. Then he stops and says;
"Do you think this is real? You're a child! I would never want, need or love you!" And I wake up. I feel so alone. He's everywhere I go. I walked into the drawing room yesterday and he was writing a letter at the desk. I sat in the arm chair and pretended to read. I watched him write. He looked amazing, even when he wiped ink on his nose and cursed.
I know I love him, but how can I act upon this? If I just tell him he will surely think I have a crush and tell me I will get over it in time. That's what Hermione thinks. She is so harsh about it. She said the only reason I'm attracted to him is because I can't have Harry and he's the next big protector. I never loved Harry; I had a crush on him when I was 11. I got over it.
No this is different. Although sometimes I think I might just be a little obsessed with him. I dream of him every night and think about him all day every day.
Right I have decided. When I go back to Hogwarts I will just have to sleep with someone and see if I feel differently when I come back in the holidays.
I am a bit scared though, about losing my virginity. I wanted to give it to him as the ultimate gift, but I also want to be just as experienced as anyone he's already been with. I don't think he's been with anyone in a long time though. He never leaves this horrid place.
Sometimes I just wish I could touch him. My hand brushed his thigh last night at dinner, but that hardly counts. I want to firmly hold him in my arms. I want to touch every inch of him. I want to kiss every part of his body. I want to make him feel wanted and loved. He always looks so sad and alone.
I am afraid that when we all go back to Hogwarts he'll do something stupid, like leave just to feel the sun on his skin. I don't want anyone to find him. I don't want him to ever leave me. Even if I can never have him I still want to see him every day.
I keep daydreaming about him at inappropriate times. Like when my mother was talking about staying out of trouble at school, I was thinking of his mouth doing wonderful things to me in my most intimate areas. I had a boy do things to me once. It was ok, but he was more worried about me taking care of him. He said that if I wouldn't have sex then I should suck him off and enjoy it. Well I did especially when I bit down and drew blood.
I don't like being told what to do.
If I'm going to sleep with someone it should really be with a teacher. I need to know I can have an older man. I need that confidence. The only one I could do it with is Snape though. That would be hilarious in so many different ways! Can you imagine? I always wanted to know if he was big. I think I saw something one day in potions. Could have been nothing though.
Wow I just read this all back to myself and I am so distracted and all over the place. All of this has made me so horny. I think I will go take care of myself.
First my new list;
Sleep with Severus Snape.
Find something sexy to wear.
Practice my oral technique.
Confide to Sirius after getting him drunk.
I also must make sure everyone else will be out.
Well goodnight to you my faithful diary. I know you never judge me and my thoughts.