Yay, my muse is back! Special thanks to the girls at the Ryelsi forum who helped me and to whom this is dedicated to: fallinrain, erfan18, digigirl02, rockyshadow, Pandora147 and all the others (sorry girls, I don't know your usernames here at FF). I hope the Ryelsi fans reading this can come join us, there's a lot of inspiration that comes from there. I'll post the link in my profile. I promised them that I will start this tonight and what do you know, I finished it!

There will be two chapters but I'm gonna be quite sinister and post the next one tomorrow. I gotta say that writing this was quite a struggle because I kind of took inspiration from a personal experience though not exactly the same as it played out here. Tell me what you think J

**Flashbacks in Italics

Disclaimer: As always, I own nothing but my pink Dell mini and a sometimes uncooperative imagination. The song (of the same title) I used in this fic is from the Backstreet Boys, a personal favorite of mine. So well, I hope it works.

Back to Your Heart: Chapter 1

He opened his eyes to the early morning sunlight shining into his large room. His bed was big enough for two and yet cold. At 27 years old, Ryan Evans was successful in every definition the stage would define the word to be except that success defined by the bright lights was not the same as what his heart always believed success to be. If for anything, he failed at the biggest and probably most important measure: love.

Not that he didn't know how to love because he does. It was because he knows how to love and is in love that he was able to conclude such failure. There were reasons for that. He was young and foolish, as he used to say. Looking back at it now, that reason bore only half the truth because he couldn't claim youth as one to blame for his failure. Even at a young age, he knew he was – is—in love with Kelsi Nielsen. No, it wasn't that he was young; it was only because he was a fool to let her go.

They left for New York to pursue their dream and it seemed then that nothing could stop them. It was also quite obvious that there was some romance going on between them, one that they fully acknowledged a few weeks into living there. It was bliss after that, her beside him while they both pursued their dream. That was until the second semester of their junior year when things got so hectic they couldn't find the time to walk together to class or get breakfast in the morning as they usually did no matter how busy they got. They found themselves barely seeing each other for weeks at a time. Ryan didn't mind nor was he worried about his relationship with Kelsi because he knew she understood how demanding their degrees were. Kelsi was the kind of person who would understand and never demand. His education, and eventually career was very important to him and he couldn't let anything get in the way of that. He still felt guilty though, not being able to spend time with her and though she never complained, the guilt and the expectations that were on him with regards to their relationship was something that he couldn't ignore any longer.

Ryan knocked on Kelsi's door early morning the start of the summer before their senior year in college. He was hoping to catch her so they can finally talk after a month of not seeing each other and crossing his fingers that she stayed in New York as she, rather they, planned before to be better prepared for their final year. She opened the door, "Hey," she said looking surprised to see him but her big blue eyes told him she was happy that he was there, making the talk even harder for him to initiate.

"Hey Kels," they shared an awkward hug as she let him in.

"I'm so glad to see you; it feels like it's been ages." Kelsi said rather nervously. It was weird how awkward that was to them when several months ago if he was to think that they'd be separated for this long he saw a different reunion in his head.

"Yeah, it's been really hectic and I'm sorry I wasn't able to make time for you." He was trying to bridge the gap, trying to usher her into what he was here to say.

"It's okay. I'm sorry, too. Have you had breakfast? I only have tea here because I haven't done my grocery shopping yet." She offered with a smile. She was always so understanding, so unconditional.

"Tea would be fine." Well, this is now or never, he thought, after she set a cup of tea in front of him. Silence fell between them as he took a sip, inhaling the calming scent of chamomile. "Kelsi, there's something I need to talk to you about."

"Sure, anything. I hope there's nothing wrong?" she was trying to hide her anxiety but Ryan knew her well.

"To be honest, I'm not really sure. I, uh, I've been thinking about how this is going to be our last year in Juilliard and how much pressure is on us." He looked around the room, playing with the cup, trying to defuse nervous energy.

"I know, right. Goodness, Ryan, I don't even know how I'm going to survive it all."

"Same here. There's exams, the final project not to mention auditions. There's too much to do and so little time to do it and…"

"And what?" she looked at him expectantly.

"And I don't know where we fit into all that." The words flew out of his mouth more like a whisper. He was half-hoping she didn't hear it and they can just go on their way but another half of him is telling him that this is right. At least for now this is what's right for both of them.

He looked at her trying to read the look on her face. There in her beautiful face was a blank expression which turned into a small frown, her eyes dropping to look down on her cup. And even with her hair hiding much of her face he knew that sadness was what she was wearing there.

"I'm sorry, Kel. I don't know why I'm doing this except that I think this is right for the mean time. I don't want to hold you back by demanding your time and energy which you can be directing on fulfilling your dreams, and I guess, I can't promise to be there for you as I should. I don't want to hurt you," with that phrase he heard her gasp, trying to muffle what he knew was a cry but a lone tear fell into her cup. "But I think if we continue, we might end up resenting each other and I don't want that. Maybe, maybe it's better that we lay off the expectations that our relationship demands from us and just focus on getting through this year the best we can." He finished letting out a deep breath he seemed to be holding in for long.

She was quiet and still staring down at her cup. "Kelsi? Kelsi please talk to me."

"What more do you want me to say, Ryan? It seems that you've thought this through and that you're already decided. There's nothing else for me to say or do but accept it." She said finally lifting her head to face him.

"I'm sor-"

"Don't say you're sorry. You think this is right, and somehow, I think you have a point. I know how much all these mean to you Ryan. And that's a reason why your dreams mean a lot to me, too. So…" she looked away again, taking deep breaths before continuing. "I'm letting you go. Chase your dreams, Ry. I only wish the best for you and though I hoped that I will always be there with you when you make them all come true, it seems the circumstances require otherwise. I'm not going to hold you back. I don't think I can live with myself knowing I held you back, that I played a hand in destroying you. I… I'm sorry that I can't be truly happy about this but I guess right now there are more important things than us."

The tears that she's been trying to hold back fell freely on her beautiful face. He can never stand seeing her cry and that caused him to stand up and wipe the tears off her face. He gave her a soft kiss in the forehead, "Thank you." It was all he had to say, all he knew he could say. There was nothing that can make her okay right now but he convinced himself that it has to be done. He ran a hand through her hair, lingering in the feeling of holding her before turning around to leave, the memory of her tear-stained face committed to his memory.

He worked and studied really hard after that, it was the reason for letting her go, after all. He might as well make the most of the decision he arrived at. His grades were even more excellent and he got part of the lead in a play. And although he didn't have any contact with her, Ryan knew Kelsi was doing more than fine as well. He has heard about her from former classmates of theirs and all he heard was good. He congratulated himself for doing the right thing but he also became lonely. It was different chasing his dreams knowing that he didn't have his muse. That loneliness brought him to a new level of foolishness. He found himself flirting with a classmate who was his dance partner in one class. They went out on dates, it was easy to schedule and convenient too because they had the same classes. But in one of those dates, he was holding the girl's hand, his face very near hers while they laughed, when at the corner of his eye he saw Kelsi. She was walking out of the part of the restaurant where the ladies' room was and she came to a halt when she recognized him. He was still for a moment; staring at her he saw the pain of betrayal in her eyes. She quickly averted her eyes and rushed to pick up her purse and walked out of the same restaurant. Foolish as he was, he didn't go after her. He didn't know how to explain Kelsi to the other girl. But fate would not let him off the hook that easily.

He was walking home from one of his classes, eyes on his phone as he was texting one of his professors when he bumped into Kelsi. Her eyes went wide with fear and what looked like anger, something that he hasn't seen in her eyes in the many years he'd known her, not even during those times when he and Sharpay would ruin her songs. She tried to walk past him but he stopped her by the arm, "Kelsi, about yesterday…"

"There's nothing to explain Ryan. I'm not demanding any explanation as to why you are getting cozy with some girl having the time of your life after breaking up with me on the grounds that there is no time or space for us in that ambitious life of yours." She seemed surprised as he was in her outburst but he guessed his reaction only spurred on her confidence. "I let you go because I couldn't live with myself knowing I held you back. I didn't want you to resent me later on. I saw how great you can be in your field and I just couldn't bear taking that away from you. But here you are you have so easily and thoughtlessly acquired for yourself what I painfully gave up so you can pursue your dreams. So yes, there is nothing for you to explain because I don't have a claim on you to give me grounds to demand for such explanation. I let go of all hold I had on you Ryan, even though deep in my heart I pray that you will find your way back to me. Now I'm not so sure if I want that because I can't even stand seeing you right now. You are selfish, Ryan. You tried to pass off your reason for breaking up with me as something you are doing for the both of us when truth is, you just didn't want to risk your spotlight, the same way you didn't want to risk it by standing up to your sister to defend me. So you let me go," she was crying now and poking an accusing finger to his chest, "because I was the safest choice. You knew that you can go back to me and I will take you in. you set me aside like a piece of property knowing you can retrieve me anytime you want. But guess what Ryan? I'm refusing to stand in the background anymore." With that she walked around and past him, never to come back in his life again.