The Summer of Chomps Magee

It was that summer. You remember – That Summer. The one the gang would tell their grandkids about – if they lived long enough to have any – hotter than Hades during the day and cold enough for the inhaled air to slice into your lungs at night.

Heyes and Curry sat in their cabin, stripped down as far as was decently possible – assuming you weren't a very decent person. Heyes studied his plans, mopping his forehead with his bandana and fanning himself with one of the fans Kyle and Nosy Paul had liberated from the box outside the revival tent last time they'd visited Sallie Mae and Dotty's (according to Nosy Paul, Sally may, but Dotty always would). Periodically, Heyes held a hand to his cheek and moaned.

Curry lay splayed out in his chair, arms akimbo so they didn't stick to his sides, eyes half closed, sweat soaked hair plastered to his head, still except to swat irritably at a curl tickling his eyebrow. The gunman turned his head and glared at his partner. "Will you cut that out? Sounds like a cat dyin'."

"It's my tooth. Ever since Lobo sucker punched me it's been sore."

"That'll teach you to try to break up a fight that way." Curry closed his eyes again, ignoring the death stare from his companion. Silence reigned in the cabin but not outside. Curry reopened one eye and turned his head to gaze out the open door as increasing volume indicated rising acrimony among the gang. "Heyes, how do they have the energy to fight? Ain't it hot enough without gettin' all het up about somethin'?"

Heyes stared out the door, considering. "Guess everyone's a little heat crazed. Sun's setting in a couple of hours. That'll cool them down." He winced as the sound of blows being landed wafted through the doorway - the only thing wafting through the doorway – no breeze accompanied it.

"Draw, you lily-livered, yellow-backed son of a hound dog!"

With a curse Curry pulled himself up and hurried onto the porch, grabbing his gun as he went. As the combatants reached for their own weapons, he pulled the trigger twice. Hank stopped short and gazed dumbfounded at his holster lying on the ground – shot from its belt. Nosy Paul put a hand to his head and checked to make sure he wasn't bleeding from the bullet that had passed so close to his ear that he was sure half of it was gone. The audience stopped short and backed up a step or two, looking sheepishly at the angry gunslinger standing barefoot and barely clothed on the porch.

Heyes, who had followed the Kid at a more leisurely pace, leaned against the doorframe and suppressed a chuckle at the sight confronting him: seven surly outlaws, mouths agape and eyes wide open – like a passel of baby birds waiting to be fed. He put on his best leader scowl. "What's the problem here?"

Silence.

He searched the crowd and his eyes narrowed. "Wheat, what's the fuss? You all are making so much noise I can't concentrate on the plans for the next job."

Wheat scuffed the dirt with his boot and smirked. "A little noise wouldn't bother me none. Planning a job comes real easy to me."

"Yeah, but we want a plan where we get the money and don't end up dead." Curry swiped at the sweat dripping from his hair.

Wheat's face turned bright red as his fellow gang members guffawed. He started towards Curry but stopped and shivered despite the heat as an icy glare fixed him. "The boys can't decide who should cook the supper," he muttered. "It's too hot to cook anyway. How you gonna fix that – great leader that you say you are?"

Heyes stood there considering his gang, his face slowly creasing into a wide smile. "Well now, Wheat, I do have a plan. Tomorrow morning, before it gets too hot, you're all going down to Willow's Grove. You can relax and while you're at it find us a cook."

The gang cheered. Willow's Grove thrived on catering to local outlaws. The Devil's Hole gang spent freely when it stopped by and helped the inhabitants keep the peace should members of another gang get too rowdy. As a result, they were welcomed by all. An added benefit was the town's location in a shady valley would keep the temperature down.

~~~oOo~~~

A week later Heyes and Curry stood on the porch watching the remainder of the gang ride up. On a sway-backed, old mule – ribs and hip bones prominently displayed through its patchy fur – rode a blindfolded man. He seemed well suited to his mount, small, bony, and equally dusty.

As the gang dismounted and removed the man's blindfold, Heyes called out, "Who's this, Wheat?"

He studied the wizened figure before him. Nature had not been kind to the man. He was bandy-legged and one shoulder rose slightly higher than the other. There was scarcely a strand of hair to be found on his head, other than the abundant growths protruding from large ears. His lack of chin was compensated by an overlarge, twisted, beak of a nose.

"He's our new cook – Chomps McGee." Wheat shuffled his feet then lifted his chin to stare straight at Heyes.

"Yeah, he's real good, Heyes," Kyle affirmed, the other men nodding in agreement.

Curry and Heyes looked at each other then back at the man, who smiled broadly displaying a full set of gleaming white teeth.

Heyes contemplated him another moment before smiling slightly and stepping off the porch. He walked up to the man. "Well, I guess we can tell why you go by 'Chomps.' So, do you know who we are?"

"Yessir. Now, I gotta acknowledge the corn; I ain't never been much for long riders afore. But there's a first time for everything, and I was down to the blanket that's for sure and wasn't so proud as to be persnickety about my next job."

Heyes' forehead wrinkled in a puzzled frown before he resumed his amiable but wary expression. "You got much experience cooking for a bunch of men?"

"Sure, I been a cossie most of my life. Of course that was afore I got meself in a bad box with the big sugar. There I was searching for some berries. Found meself a great patch too. But I also found the boss man pirooting with a piece of calico that weren't his wife. Gotta admit she was looker, what I saw of her that was – and I saw a lot – just not her face. Now that man's rib was rode hard and put up wet, but still he got hisself life-shackled to her. Way I heard it the money behind the spread was hers. Anyways, I tried to make out like I didn't see nothing, but he knew. Now I ain't one for yammerin' on about others' business, not by a jugful. But he wasn't one to take chances, and I gotta admit I ain't much of a lapper, and when I have more'n a pair of overalls my tongue might be a bit loose. The man was cross-patched at the best of times, and this wasn't one of those times. Next I knew I was out on my ear." Chomps shrugged. "Leastwise he gave me a month's pay and Sadie here, so's I didn't have to leave on shanks mare. I've been picking up work here and there, but times have been thin and I ain't got so much as a penny to scratch with. So here I am."

At the end of this oration, Heyes and Curry exchanged puzzled glances. Curry muttered quietly, "Did you understand that?"

"Not all of it." Heyes considered Chomps then looked at his gang. "You all want him?"

"Yeah."

"I guess."

"Sure."

"We'll give it a try." He turned to Chomps. "This is trial run. You don't go beyond the borders of the camp here – Kyle will show you. We have a storehouse, a smokehouse, some hens, and a couple of cows for milk. You're in charge of those and have free run for your cooking needs. We find you poking around where you're not allowed or trying to leave without permission…" Heyes paused and glared at the man. "A word of advice, friend, just don't, you won't like the Kid's method of making sure you don't give us away."

Chomps gulped and looked from Heyes to the icy gunman standing beside him. "Yessir."

"Alright." Heyes smiled and held out his hand. "Welcome to the gang, Chomps."

Curry nodded. "Lookin' forward to some good food around here for a change."

Kyle stepped forward, putting his arm around the man's diminutive shoulders. "Come on, Chomps, I'll show you around." He turned and grinned at the rest of gang. "Hoowee, we'll be eating' good now!"

~~~oOo~~~

Heyes and Curry entered the bunkhouse, stomachs growling at the enticing aromas that had been emanating for some time. Finally, Chomps had rung the bell and the gang had come running.

Once everyone was seated, Chomps removed the towel covering an object and placed it before Heyes along with a jug of gravy. He then raced back to the stove pulled out a platter of steaming biscuits and placed that before the Kid.

"So, what're we eating, Chomps?" Heyes asked as he cut himself a slice of the block before him and passed it to the Kid. Curry meanwhile grabbed a couple of the hot biscuits and was busy slathering them with the jam Chomps had also provided. He, too, took a slab and passed it on.

"That's my pork cake."

Curry examined it and took a bite, then smiled. "Well, it may not be sweet like a cake, but it sure is good."

The men gobbled the meal.

When there was not a morsel of the pork cake or a crumb of biscuit left. Chomps stood. "'Cuz this is a special day I decided to make one of my specials. After a long day at the trail, the boys sure did like them some pie." He stood and placed a pie, covered in meringue before Heyes, saying, "Yessiree, those boys sure did like my vinegar pie and cow slobbers."

The men looked up from the pie before them.

Heyes paused with a slice of pie hovering before him. "Cow slobber?"

"Yeah."

Heyes placed the pie on a plate and passed the plate to Curry. All eyes watched carefully as Curry, after a brief glare at Heyes, swallowed a bite and smiled. "It's okay, boys; it's good." As the other men fell in gobbling down the sweet, Curry asked. "Did you say this was vinegar pie?"

"Yup."

"Can't say I ever heard of vinegar pie, but it sure is good."

Chomps looked surprised. "Why vinegar's the best. It's real good for you, you know."

Heyes looked at him. "How do you figure?"

"It's 'cuz I eats a ration or two of vinegar a day that I have all my teeth."

"Really?"

"Uh, huh."

Wheat snorted. "Heyes, everyone knows vinegar's good for you."

Kyle looked worried. "I didn't know that, did you know that, Hank?"

As the dispute grew increasingly loud, Heyes raised his eyes to the ceiling. He stood. "Knock it off," he shouted. "It don't matter who knew or not. What matters is we have ourselves a cook and we can all agree that the vinegar pie," he paused, "with calf slobbers, is great." He turned to Chomps. "Glad to have you on board."

~~~oOo~~~

And so the summer wore on. The jobs the gang pulled were small and not too far away. It was too hot to ruin horses riding them far. Luckily the posses felt the same about their horses. The gang returned quickly to be greeted on their return by a grand meal. Always as soon as they arrived Chomps would hand them his lemonless lemonade.

"Not too bad as long as you add some whiskey," Heyes told the Kid as they knocked back their rations.

"Yeah, a man could learn to like vinegar in anythin', as long as Chomps does the cookin'." Curry agreed.

There were fewer fights among the men, and they rode out less often for entertainment – it was just too hot.

Gradually, though, the heat relented. Slowly at first so that it was some time before anyone noticed. Chomps' smiled less broadly as they returned although he still had a drink of lemonless lemonade for each gang member upon their return. It was some time before anyone noticed how the quality of the meals had also declined, along with the heat. As the leaves changed and began to fall, so too did the morale. Quarrels arose, where before there had been peace.

~~~oOo~~~

Heyes sat in the cabin, discussing his plans for the big job – the one that would set them up for the winter – with the Kid. Curry was gnawing on a biscuit but making little headway.

"So what do you think, Kid?"

"What?"

"I said, will it work?"

"We need to make sure the schedule doesn't change. Will Sharky at the depot give us notice in time? "

"Yeah, we're paying him well, and he knows we'll retaliate if he lets us down." He looked at his partner who was looking at his empty cup and sighing. "What's wrong with you?"

"Haven't you noticed the change in Chomps' cookin'?"

"Not really. All I notice is no one's fighting over who has to cook. And I notice that the men are getting restless, more fights. They need a big job to finish the year – that say they won't complain anymore.'" He shrugged and picked up the empty coffee pot. "Why don't you go find us some coffee so we can finish the plans? We're out."

Curry tossed the biscuit back onto his plate with a clatter. He grabbed the pot. "I'll go find us some fresh at the bunk house."

When he returned he poured them each a cup from the pot he was holding. "I'm tellin' ya, somethin's eatin' at Chomps and so we're not eatin' as good as we were." Curry resumed the conversation as if he hadn't left. He picked up the cold biscuit he'd left behind, dunked it in the coffee, looked at it, and shook his head. He threw the biscuit into the fireplace where it landed with a thud, sending soot into the room.

Heyes took a gulp of his coffee. His eyes began watering and he choked, spraying coffee in all directions. "He's putting vinegar in the coffee now," he exclaimed once he could catch his breath.

Curry looked sadly at his cup, picked up the pot, walked onto the porch, and poured the contents of cup and pot onto the packed earth outside. Returning to the cabin, he spoke one phrase: "Talk to him, Heyes."

Heyes nodded.

~~~oOo~~~

After breakfast the following morning, Curry took the gang out for some hunting and target practice. Heyes stayed in the bunkhouse as Chomps washed the dishes.

"Chomps."

"Yeah, Heyes?"

"Everything okay?"

Chomps turned from the dishes and looked at Heyes while he dried his hands on the towel tied around his waist. "I ain't bellyaching."

Heyes tried again. "So the fellas treating you okay?"

"Sure." Chomps returned to washing the dishes but as he turned around he sighed and his shoulders slumped further than they normally did.

Heyes watched him through narrowed eyes. Shaking his head, he stood and walked over. "Finish the dishes later, Chomps, we need to talk. Walk with me."

~~~oOo~~~

The two strolled away from the buildings. Heyes turned to face Chomps. "Something's bothering you. I need to know what it is."

Chomps looked away and shrugged. "Guess it's obvious its beer and skittles with me."

Heyes just looked at him.

Chomps continued, "Guess this place is making me kind of dumpish. Gotta admit, the owl hoot trail just ain't for me. I got a hankering to hit the flats."

"So you want to leave?"

"That's what I said, Heyes. Now, I hopes that doesn't make us catawampus but I been thinking of cutting stick."

~~~oOo~~~

That evening Heyes turned to Curry. "You were right."

Curry grinned. "I am a lot, but this may be the first time I ever heard you admit it. What am I right about?"

"About Chomps."

"What about him? Somethin' is botherin' him?"

"Yeah. Apparently he's getting cabin fever here at the Hole." Heyes looked at Curry. "But he's not really one of the gang. Can we trust him if we let him leave?"

"We're goin' to have to sometime, but the men ain't gonna be happy about it."

"I guess." Heyes shook his head, poured himself a glass of whiskey, and sat staring at the empty fireplace.

~~~oOo~~~

"So that's the plan." Heyes looked up from the map he'd been using to demonstrate and stared at each member of the gang gathered around the table. "Any questions?"

"How come Chomps is coming with us?"

Chomps looked up and opened his mouth, but Heyes raised his hand to stop his speaking.

"He's coming because I said he is. It's part of the plan. This is our last job this year so Chomps is going to fix us a blow out for the return."

Murmurs of excitement greeted this.

"Chomps has agreed to be blindfolded on the way out so no worries there. Then he'll be with Nosy Paul waiting on our return. So there's no risk."

The men nodded their agreement.

~~~oOo~~~

They arrived back in the encampment in twos and threes, each with a satisfied grin on his face. It had been a good haul and they were waiting on Heyes and Curry to arrive with the bags. It had turned cold and the faces were masked by the fog of their breath. The men stood holding their hands to the cook fire and inhaling the spicy aroma arose from the kettle that Chomps was tending.

Finally, Heyes and Curry arrived. Heyes looked around, quickly counting heads. "Any problems."

"Nope."

"Went like clockwork."

Curry nodded. "I didn't see any signs of a chase and made sure the trails were muddied. The fallin' leaves helped too."

Satisfied, Heyes grinned and lifted the saddle bags from his and Curry's mounts. "Well then, men, let's eat."

The men cheered and eagerly grabbed plates of the chili as fast as Chomps could dish it out. Gasps arose as the men took their first bites.

Wheat sputtered. "What is this?" he thundered.

Chomps smiled. "I wanted to make you all something special to celebrate like, so I made you some of my fire chili using my special dried chilies and a double dose of vinegar."

Curry swallowed half the contents of his canteen. "Sure is hot, and who knew you could make chili with vinegar, but after the first shock I kind of like it. It'll keep us warm in the saddle for sure."

There were murmurs of agreement as the men rapidly consumed the stew, sweat pouring down their faces.

As the men helped clean the campsite so as not to leave a trace of their presence, one by one their faces were stricken. Wheat groaned and dashed into the woods. The others soon joined him in groaning and rushing to the bushes.

Heyes, sweat pouring from his brow, watched them flee then carefully counted out Chomps' share.

"Here you go."

"Sure hope no one's hit too bad with the backdoor trots. That ain't the way I would've left, I'm not on the prod."

"Don't worry about it Chomps. This is the best way."

Curry, his face pinched, watched this interchange and Chomps' departure. He groaned and his face took on a look of fierce determination. "What did you do, Heyes?"

Heyes grinned. "I wanted to make sure everyone was willing to let Chomps go." Suddenly he looked preoccupied, held up a hand, and dashed into the bushes. Curry raced in the opposite direction.

~~~oOo~~~

When the men regained the Hole, paler and a little thinner than before, they did not speak of finding another cook.

Author's Notes: Scurvy, a vitamin C deficiency, was a concern of many as the country moved west. One symptom of scurvy is a swelling and bleeding of the gums; teeth would loosen or fall out. Cider vinegar was considered a long-lasting staple used to prevent scurvy; after all it was acidic like lemons were. During the American Revolution the Continental Army included 4 teaspoons a day of vinegar in the soldiers' rations to help prevent scurvy. Lewis and Clarke included vinegar in the rations for the Corps of Discovery in their westward exploration. During the civil war, when time and circumstances permitted, the Union army included .32 gills of vinegar in the standard camp ration for a soldier. Nevertheless, vinegar contains no vitamin C. In reality, for most people the fruits, berries, and organ meats consumed as part of a normal diet all contained at least some vitamin C so that, while scurvy did arise, it was not the scourge that so many feared.

Recipes for vinegar lemonade, vinegar pie, pork cake, and other old west recipes from the late 1800s can be found at the website: chronicleofthewest. As far as I know, there is no recipe for vinegar chili.

"Calf slobbers" was cowboy slang for the meringue on top of a pie. Other cowboy slang used here can be found at the website: legendsofamerica.