This is the sequel to "Thunder" so please read that story first. :) Just a reminder that Noah and Jesse don't exist in this fic. I'll be posting a follow-up to this story called "Tornado" very soon, which will be followed by yet another story (currently untitled) to make it a series of 4 fics.
Very special thanks to my good friend unbreakable86 for making another one of her fabulous pics for this story! :*
xxx
"Pass the wings, please."
Olivia Benson drags her gaze away from the scarred tabletop to fix upon her subordinate who is sitting directly across from her, Carisi holding out his hand for the basket of chicken which had been placed in front of her by their waitress, the younger man's gesture radiating a certain hungry impatience as he fills his plate with the variety of appetizers that are spread out before them. Olivia dutifully passes the food over to her ravenous colleague as her dark eyes lock briefly onto Amanda's blue ones, the blonde woman perched beside Carisi in the booth and filling her own plate much less enthusiastically than her co-worker is.
They stare intently at one another for a long moment and the noise and people in the raucous bar they are spending the evening in seem to fall away as Olivia's attention is focused solely on the small detective on the other side of the table. For a short spell of time she is unaware of Fin sitting beside her, the older man ducking out of the way as Carisi playfully tosses a balled up napkin at his head; her employees and the other bar patrons and the obnoxiously bad singing coming from the small stage at the front of the room ceasing to exist. Her gaze has zeroed right in on Amanda and she can't seem to tear her eyes away from the beautiful blonde woman who is gazing right back at her with an equal amount of intensity, and Olivia knows she needs to stop staring before their male colleagues start to notice and become curious.
She and her fellow squad members are spending another Friday night in each other's company, this time in a very boisterous karaoke bar, even though Olivia had been less than thrilled at the prospect of getting together with everyone outside of work again, especially so soon after their previous visit. It has only been a week since the unfortunate blackout and vicious storm had taken place, forcing them all to spend the night with one another in Amanda's cramped and stifling apartment, and the heatwave that has had New York gripped within its sweaty clutches refuses to relinquish the tight hold it has around the city. Olivia is praying that they aren't stricken with yet another blackout that night as she can't stand the thought of the air conditioning going out again and leaving her even more of a sweaty mess than she already is.
The constant swirl of turbulent emotions that are boiling inside of her and combining into an almost intolerable buildup of combustible feelings are threatening to burst forth into a messy explosion and causing damp patches of moisture to form underneath her arms and beneath the thick hair that is resting against her neck and spilling over her shoulders. The large pitcher of beer that they have all been sharing and consuming at a very rapid rate, the amount of alcohol in the container already dwindling down to practically nothing and necessitating a refill very soon, is not doing much to calm the storm that has been raging inside of Olivia for the past week, ever since the kiss she had shared with one of her subordinates.
She tears her lingering gaze away from Amanda with an extreme amount of effort, instead choosing to focus on the shabby tabletop once more, her eyes fixing onto the only spot where there is not an overflowing plate of food or a perspiring pitcher of booze, observing the names of two people that have been carved with a shaky and likely drunken hand into the battered wood. Olivia studies those names very closely, noticing right away that they are both distinctly female, with the word 'loves' chiseled between them and a clumsy heart drawn around the monikers. Her eyebrows pull down into a deep frown as her thoughts are again drawn to Amanda, studiously avoiding her gaze now, as she can feel the younger woman's eyes continuing to bore straight into her.
"You okay, Liv? You're staring at the table pretty hard there," Fin suddenly remarks, jostling her lightly with an elbow to get her attention and Olivia realizes that all eyes are now focused right on her, instead of just Amanda's.
"Yeah, Liv, you okay?" the blonde detective echoes in a seemingly concerned voice, but there is something hidden just beneath the innocent and slightly worried tone, something that appears to be both dark and teasing, and Olivia's lips purse briefly together in dismay before stretching out into a fake smile.
"Yeah, I'm fine," she replies lightly, picking up her mug of beer with the intention of taking a giant gulp. "Just been a long week, that's all."
"Yeah, you can say that again," Fin agrees with a sigh. "Am I ever glad to be here. I've been looking forward to this all day."
"See I told you this was going to be a good idea!" Carisi pipes up enthusiastically, his mouth full of chicken and a streak of barbecue sauce smeared across one cheek.
Olivia resists the urge to roll her eyes in response, as she is growing quite sick of Carisi's constant plans for these 'fun' get togethers with the team so that they can wind down from the stresses of work and just relax. Her idea of relaxation involves a quiet evening alone in her apartment with a bottle of wine and a good book, fully aware that her interpretation of 'fun' is very different from that of her co-workers but as the lieutenant of the Special Victims Unit, some time to herself now and then is very much needed. She loves her colleagues like family but sees more than enough of them during the work week and just wants some peace and quiet on the weekends.
Olivia had felt compelled to join everyone tonight, though, instead of begging off and making an excuse to remain at home for the evening after she had heard Amanda agreeing to the night out when Carisis had been asking around at the precinct earlier that day. She has found her thoughts drifting toward her blonde subordinate more and more over the past week, ever since she had spent the night in Amanda's bed during the stormy blackout of the previous Friday and they had shared a very surprising and passionate kiss.
Olivia has felt so exposed since then, as not only have her hidden feelings for Amanda become completely obvious but so has her biggest fear; two very well-kept secrets suddenly thrust out into the open and laid bare before the younger woman's eyes. There is a certain amount of shame that comes with her inexplicable terror of thunderstorms; that after all of the hell she has endured over the course of her lifetime so far, the sound of thunder and the flash of lightning is what she is most afraid of. Extreme embarrassment about her cranky behavior has been intertwined with the shame, as Olivia has felt so bad for treating Amanda the way that she had when the other woman had only been attempting to provide her with some much-needed comfort. She had been so petrified of the storm and so mortified at her reaction to it, along with the intense nervousness of spending the night in Amanda's bed, that she had been unable to control her nasty attitude, no matter how hard she tried.
Olivia knows that she hasn't yet apologized for the way she had treated the small detective and has wanted to somehow try and make amends while they are out that night. Her own reactions toward Amanda the previous week had shocked her, as she has become quite used to keeping her feelings for the other woman buried deep inside and never letting them come up to the surface for fear of examining them too closely. Olivia had been desperate to accept the comfort that Amanda had been offering, even going so far as to let the younger woman hold her in her arms during the worst of the storm and had wanted to take things even further by burying herself into the detective's warm embrace and never letting go.
And once she had realized that Amanda had been wearing nothing but a thin tank top and matching skimpy panties while the smaller woman had been laying there cuddled up right next to her, the arousal that had shot through Olivia's system had been instantaneous and overwhelming. The sight of the simple black and white striped cotton underwear has been burned into her brain ever since, and she has been reliving the vision of Amanda standing so scantily clad beside the bed over and over again like some horny teenage boy daydreaming about his fantasy crush.
Her feelings for the small detective are complicated and varied and have remained that way since the day of Amanda's arrival at the New York Special Victims Unit back in the fall of 2011, when the other woman had been an eager and annoying ball of blonde energy, smart and opinionated and a giant pain in the ass but excellent at her job. Amanda has grown and matured immensely throughout the intervening years and so have Olivia's feelings, never dwindling or fading away and only seeming to become stronger with the passage of time. She tries not to dwell on them, though; tries not to examine these feelings too closely for fear of what they will reveal, and there is a certain amount of shame that has accompanied these emotions that have not relinquished their hold on her even as she has risen up through the ranks of the unit and been promoted to lieutenant, the higher Olivia ascends on the ladder the more inappropriate her feelings for her subordinate becoming.
The stunning kiss they had shared the week before has broken these feelings wide open and Olivia has been unable to tuck them back into that neat and tidy little corner of her brain where they have resided for all of these years and where they firmly belong. Instead they have come rushing out in an unwanted wave of thoughts and emotions, tormenting her daily and nightly for the past week, never letting up and allowing her to work or eat or sleep in peace without being consumed by images of Amanda; the younger woman's soft lips and warm body being pressed up against her own while the lone candle had flickered in the darkness of the younger woman's bedroom and the storm had raged just outside the window.
Olivia feels a sudden soft nudge against the inside of her foot beneath the table, the physical pressure that is being exerted onto her shoe interrupting her train of thought and yanking her back into the present situation, the sights and sounds and smells of the bar hitting her full force. A frown flits briefly over her features as she casually leans back in the booth to get a look under the table, noticing a small red high heel grazing the shiny black side of her own pump. She feels a slight blush beginning to stain her cheeks and glances up at Amanda to try and catch her eye, but the other woman is deep in conversation with Fin and Carisi, very seriously debating the pros and cons of reality television.
The blonde detective is now attacking her plate of chicken wings with a gusto that she had previously been lacking and has a streak of sauce smeared across one cheek that matches the stain still visible on Carisi's face. Olivia has the sudden urge to lick her thumb and lean over the table to gently swipe the sauce from Amanda's cheekbone, and her frown instantly deepens as she watches Carisi doing just that; Amanda giggling in response and batting his hand away as her fellow detective clumsily cleans up the mess on her face and drunkenly loses his balance while doing so, almost landing right in the small woman's lap, Fin teasing them about getting a room.
A sharp stab of jealously pierces through Olivia's heart as she observes the youngest members of their group shoving each other playfully in the booth, laughing and making lewd comments while Fin eggs them on, and it is obvious that they are all quite plastered now, the waitress arriving with another pitcher of beer that is filled right to the brim. She doesn't think more alcohol is needed at this point in the evening as they have all been consuming more than their fair share of booze, Olivia herself feeling somewhat inebriated, but the others members of their team greeting the waitress like a long lost friend and the arrival of more beer with a rowdy wave of enthusiasm.
She chastises herself for the intense and unwelcome feelings of jealousy that are currently consuming her, as they are not something she is usually familiar with, and blames it on the excessive amount of booze she has indulged in that evening. Olivia takes a ferocious bite out of one of her own chicken wings, washing it down with half a mug of beer while she continues to watch the antics taking place on the other side of the table, noticing with no small amount of irritation that Amanda is still rubbing her foot up against her own even while carrying on with the flirting banter with Carisi.
A particularly loud and high-pitched singing voice breaks through the group's goofy shenanigans, making them all wince at the shrill tone and the terrible song choice, their collective attention now focused on the stage at the front of the large room where two young women are performing karaoke, one of them singing her tone-deaf heart out and the other covering her face and laughing in embarrassment. There is a combination of boos and cheers coming from the other patrons of the bar in response to the performance, and Carisi turns around to look at them all with suggestively raised eyebrows and an excited expression on his face.
"Come on, guys, what do you say?" he asks with an annoying amount of exuberance, gesturing toward the stage. "Do you want to sing something?"
"Fuck, no," Fin sneers, polishing off his mug of beer and reaching for the pitcher for a refill. "You couldn't pay me a million dollars to get up on that stage. Look at those fools up there," he scoffs, gesturing toward the front of the room where the two women who had been singing are now engulfed in fits of drunken laughter, holding onto each other so they don't fall over, the boos in the audience now outweighing the cheers. "They're just pissing everyone off."
"They're just having some fun, Fin," Olivia sighs, rolling her eyes at the older man's foul language, observing the way he likes to pepper his sentences with F-bombs while drinking, and wishing she could loosen up enough to have the courage to get up on that stage but knowing she is going to sit right here in the booth like the bitter grump she has been all evening.
Maybe singing a song would help distract her from all of these unwanted feelings that are churning around inside of her, the alcohol only seeming to exacerbate rather than obliterate them, and the fact that Amanda is currently hanging all over Carisi like they are teenagers in love is certainly not helping matters. To Olivia's extreme displeasure, the other woman is still stroking a foot up and down her own while poking Carisi playfully in the ribs and telling him how cute he looks tonight, the tip of Amanda's high heel sliding upwards to graze against her bare calf, and despite how immature the response is, Olivia kicks her co-worker's foot away somewhat forcefully, mumbling grouchily into her mug of beer.
Amanda looks over at her, a hurt expression fixed on the smaller woman's delicate features, and Olivia feels an immediate pang of guilt as she knows that the blonde detective is quite inebriated at the moment and possibly not in complete control of her actions, very well aware that Amanda has been taking Olivia's gentle rejection of her quite hard since the previous week and that the resulting feelings from the brush-off might be coming out in some undesirable ways. The past several days at the precinct have been some of the most awkward that Olivia has ever encountered over the course of her long career, as she and Amanda have both done their best to avoid each other whenever feasible without making it obvious to Fin and Carisi that anything is amiss between them.
After the impromptu kiss they had shared in Amanda's bed, the younger woman had apologized profusely and cut herself off from something she had wanted to say that appeared to be of some importance, before slinking back onto the floor and lapsing into embarrassed silence for the rest of the night. The entire group had been quite subdued the next morning, everyone hungover and lacking in sleep, and Olivia had left Amanda's apartment as soon as she was able, never having been so relieved to be back out in the muggy post-storm weather as she had marched away from her colleague's building as fast as humanly possible.
Olivia is finding it hard to keep her eyes off of the younger woman as Carisi tries to persuade her to sing a duet with him up on stage, and her gaze meets Amanda's with narrowed eyes as the detective's foot drags all the way up her leg to graze the hem of her dress when Carisi pulls her from the booth. Amanda shoots her a sheepish grin, shrugging her shoulders apologetically, and Olivia's heart flip flops inside her chest as she watches the two of them head hand in hand toward the stage.
She can't help but notice how amazing the other woman looks tonight, Amanda clad in a short black dress that hugs her body in all the right places and sky high red heels on her feet, long blonde hair hanging loose about her shoulders in wild waves instead of the ponytail she usually has it pulled back in for work. Her blue eyes had been shuttered with a slight hint of angst shining through when they had arrived at the bar earlier that evening, and Olivia blames that on her own rejection of the detective and the horribly awkward week that have just endured, but Amanda's eyes are bright and alive now, dancing with mischief and mirth as she takes the stage with Carisi and they pick up their respective microphones.
Olivia's mouth drops open as they begin to sing the most popular song from "Grease", the melody to John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John's "You're the One That I Want" blasting from the speakers to fill the room with sound, and she is stunned at the singing ability of her two detectives, Amanda and Carisi apparently having kept this particular talent under wraps. Fin gives a low whistle of appreciation beside her and she turns to the look at him, the older man's eyebrows raised high in surprise, much like her own currently are.
"Okay, I was not expecting that," Fin admits with an incredulous laugh, holding up his phone to snap a few pictures.
"Neither was I," Olivia murmurs in a low tone, her eyes traveling back toward Amanda and fixing on the other woman's slim form on stage, both of her colleagues really getting into the song now and the audience cheering wildly in response.
"You okay, Liv?" Fin asks for the second time that evening, and Olivia bites down briefly on her lower lip before taking a quick swig of her beer.
"Yeah, why I wouldn't I be?" she replies casually, unable to drag her gaze away from Amanda and give Fin her undivided attention while he speaks.
"I don't know, you tell me," he answers, and Olivia feels a large warm hand coming to rest on her shoulder. "You've been really off this whole week and you've been sitting there for the entire night looking like someone shot your dog."
"I don't have a dog," she mutters, flinching slightly as another loud round of cheers go up in the bar when her co-workers finish the song, Amanda and Carisi playing it up for the crowd and holding their arms high in the air with their fingers linked together before taking deep bows.
"That's besides the point, Liv," Fin says, pausing in the conversation long enough to clap loudly and let out an ear piercing wolf whistle in support of his colleagues. "You know what I'm getting at."
"Amanda has a dog," Olivia mumbles, seemingly unable to keep her mind off of the younger woman for any length of time.
"Yeah, she does..." Fin trails off and gives a short laugh while throwing her a strange look. "I'm not sure what that information has to do with our discussion, but okay, whatever."
"What? We were talking about dogs," Olivia replies in defense, feeling a little disgruntled with the situation and realizing that she is slurring her words slightly now.
"No, we weren't," Fin says as he reaches over to snag an uneaten chicken wing from Carisi's plate. "It's just a little random."
"It's not random if you were the one to bring it up," Olivia argues, frowning when she notices that Amanda is heading back to their table by herself and Carisi has remained on stage.
"Liv, I think the alcohol is getting to you," Fin chuckles, giving her a gentle pat on the arm. "You're being a little weird here."
"What's going on?" Olivia asks, choosing to ignore the older man as she watches Amanda slide back into her seat on the other side of the table.
"Carisi says he has a little surprise for me," the smaller woman snickers, gesturing toward the stage where their colleague is gearing up to sing another song.
"What kind of surprise?" Olivia demands, her voice coming out much more harshly than she has intended, a blush staining her cheeks again when she sees the bewildered expression on Amanda's face.
"Well, I'm guessing a song of some sort, Liv," the younger woman replies lightly, studying her closely for a moment before her eyes wander back over to the stage, and Olivia can feel Amanda's foot brushing against her own beneath the table once more.
This time she doesn't pull away or kick in response but instead presses back with her own foot, feeling quite bereft at the moment, privately acknowledging that she has had too much to drink and it is affecting her quite negatively as she has the sudden urge to burst into tears or climb across the table and pull Amanda into her arms, the jealously that has been simmering inside spiking to new heights when Carisi begins singing his next song.
Fin and Amanda both burst out laughing when the strains of Barry Manilow's "Mandy" fill the room, the younger man looking directly at Amanda while he sings his heart out, but Olivia feeling like a rejected lovesick teenager as she observes the way the other woman's eyes are locked onto their co-worker, even though she had been the one to reject Amanda first.
The younger woman is clearly both amused and embarrassed by this very public display of Carisi's apparent crush or possibly more, and Olivia watches as Amanda's eyes stray from the stage and lock onto her own again, the smaller woman's foot gliding up her leg to rub against her knee, an unreadable expression on her face now. Olivia reaches down to squeeze the high heel in her hand, bringing a halt to Amanda's movements which seem to be more of a consoling nature like she knows that Olivia is upset and is trying to comfort her, rather than the flirtatious teasing from earlier.
"I think someone's got a little crush on Mandy," Fin taunts in a joking matter and Amanda picks up a stray French fry from a nearby plate and tosses it at his face, the older man ducking out of the way with a laugh. "Can't the two of you pick something to sing that was made in this century?" he continues with a chuckle. "Or even close to this century? You'd think it was you and Carisi who were the old members of this group, considering your taste in music."
"Who are you calling old?" Olivia shoots back in jest, but again her words come out sounding more harsh than light, as Fin's comment only reminds her of the age difference between she and Amanda, yet another reason for them not to take things any further than the kiss they had shared the week before.
Fin throws her another suspicious and concerned glance and Olivia figures she should just keep quiet as it is growing more obvious by her comments and demeanor that she is very out of sorts that night. Amanda's foot is still continuing its journey up and down Olivia's leg, like the other woman is trying to ease her into a more contented mood by touching her in this way since she can't reach out and pull her into an embrace like she had the last time. Olivia encircles the other woman's delicate ankle with trembling fingers before the high heel can reach the hem of her dress again, those conflicting emotions once more at war inside of her as she feels aroused and comforted and angry all at the same time.
They remain there in that position until Carisi is finishes his song, their bodies surreptitiously joined together beneath the table, Amanda's foot now resting in Olivia's lap and Olivia gently caressing her hand around the younger woman's ankle, occasionally trailing her fingers up Amanda's calf and gently massaging the firm muscles she finds there. The complete mess of mixed up emotions only seem to become stronger as she watches Carisi return to the table with somewhat of a proud bounce in his step now, the alcohol clearly having given him some liquid courage after that performance, not to mention the thundering applause from the other bar patrons. She realizes that her behavior that night has not only been ridiculous and immature but also quite risky, as she doesn't want either of the guys to catch on to anything going on between she and Amanda, although quite frankly she has no idea what is going on at the point, and she plasters on that fake smile again as Carisi rejoins them.
"Nice song there, buddy. You're not transparent at all, are you?" Fin snickers as Carisi slides into the booth next to Amanda, the blonde detective's foot instantly dropping away from Olivia's knees as she shifts over to make room for him, and she feels the loss immediately, wanting the detective's high heel back in her lap once again.
"Shut up, Fin," Carisi responds lightly, still appearing to be riding high from his success on stage as he holds out a hand to Amanda, inclining his head toward the center of the room. "Do you want to dance?"
Olivia resists the urge to roll her eyes as a mixture of R&B and hip hop music begins blasting through the speakers, the karaoke portion of the night apparently done as it is now getting later in evening and people are beginning to congregate on the dance floor, eager to get moving. She supposes she should be grateful that the karaoke machine has been put to rest but the lyrics and singing of the current music is just as obnoxious, and her heart is in her throat as she watches Amanda accept Carisi's proposal, the other woman reaching out to take hold of his hand and tossing Olivia a quick unreadable glance as he helps her from the booth and they head out to the dance floor together.
"God, is this night ever going to end?" she mutters under her breath before she can stop herself, and looks over at Fin to see him staring at her in curiosity and concern.
"Liv, what's going on?" he asks softly, resting his hand on her shoulder again. "You've been in a terrible mood since we were at Amanda's place last weekend. You've either been snapping at everyone or ignoring everyone at the precinct and now you're sitting here in obvious misery." There is a brief pause. "Look, I don't meant to be rude or anything and please don't take this the wrong way, but if you're that unhappy, why did you even come out tonight? You could've just stayed home."
"I never would have heard the end of it from Carisi if I had missed this ecstatically fun night out," Olivia relies sarcastically, her eyes glued to Amanda on the dance floor, the younger woman shimmying her hips against Carisi's body in a very disconcerting manner, and Olivia is stunned and ashamed at the amount of jealousy that is now thrumming through her.
"Huh," Fin answers shortly and then abruptly stops talking, causing Olivia's gaze to swing over to him.
"What?" she says in confusion, her stomach muscles clenching as she sees that he has followed her line of sight and is looking back and forth between her and their two dancing colleagues.
"It seems that our boy Carisi is not the only one with a crush on little Mandy over there," he murmurs very gently, one eyebrow raising in question and smirking slightly, although Olivia knows he not making fun of her but is still ragging on their co-worker's silly and uncharacteristic choice of song to sing.
"What are you talking about?" Olivia gasps out, unable to keep the alarm from her voice as she feels the color draining from her face, fully aware that she is not acting at all like herself; that the alcohol is turning her into even more of a sweaty, nervous wreck than she already was, and it seems like her feelings have been laid bare for all to see.
Fin surprises her by reaching over to grasp tightly onto her hand and giving it a comforting squeeze, and Olivia can tell by the somewhat hazy look in his eyes that he is quite drunk at the moment and is making an effort to have a serious conversation with her, the booze making him much more affectionate than he normally is. "Again, don't take this the wrong way, but if I didn't know any better, I would say you're jealous, Liv."
"Oh, yeah? Jealous of what?" she snaps angrily, wincing and muttering an apology when Fin pulls his hand away from hers and holds it up as if in surrender.
"I was just making an observation," he replies calmly, pouring more beer into his mug and raising it to his lips like he is in desperate need. "Don't get all riled up about it, okay? We've been friends for a long time, Liv, and I notice things about you that other people might not. Things have been weird since last Saturday morning at Amanda's place. I could tell that something had happened between you two during the night, even though you were both trying to hide it. Don't forget that I've also been her partner for years now," he adds, jerking a thumb toward the dance floor where their colleagues are both laughing uproariously about something, still pressed far too close together for Olivia's liking. "I can read the both of you like open books, even when you think you're hiding something."
"Is that so?" Olivia responds quietly, glad that her voice is sounding more steady when she speaks again, as she is quite disconcerted by Fin's revelation that she doesn't conceal things as well as she thought she did. "And what is it that you think we're hiding?"
"It's none of my business," Fin answers softly, putting his mug of beer down and fixing Olivia with a serious gaze. "But whatever is going on between the two of you, I think it warrants sitting down and having a discussion about it. It's obviously tearing you up inside." His hand flutters down to rest lightly on her arm, giving it a quick squeeze. "Look at you, you're shaking. And all because our co-workers are out on the dance floor, having a good time with each other. That's not right, Liv. Just talk to her, okay?"
"I don't-" Olivia stumbles over her words, the steadiness of her voice seeming to last only an instant before she is a stuttering mess once again. "I don't know what to say. I already told her that nothing-" She cuts herself off, running her hands over face and sighing deeply. "I already told her that nothing could happen between us. But I do want to apologize for my behavior last Friday."
"So start off with that," Fin suggests kindly, keeping a tender hand on her arm. "And take it from there. Just see where the conversation goes."
Olivia sighs again and suddenly feels exhausted, the busy work week and these unwanted feelings resting heavily upon her like a physical weight. "I don't know when to do it, though, Fin. Now is obviously not a good time," she mutters, gesturing toward the dance floor without looking, as she no longer wishes to see two of her subordinates getting so cozy with each other.
"Yeah, now is definitely not a good time," Fin remarks in dismay, his eyes trained on something across the room. "Keep your attention on me, Liv. Don't look over there."
Of course that is the first thing Olivia does, following his gaze and craning her neck to see what the older man is staring at, her stomach dropping and her heart seizing in her chest as she watches Amanda and Carisi grinding to Christina Aguilera's "Dirrty". The two of them are obviously doing it in a playful manner as they are both laughing just as hard as they had been the last time Olivia had looked over in their direction, but Carisi's behavior towards Amanda that evening and on some other occasions over the past while has not been all in good fun, or at least that is what she believes, and there is most likely something much more serious hiding beneath the goofy antics.
"That is some disturbing shit right there. Fuck, I need some more booze," Fin mutters in consternation, giving a slow shake of his head, but Olivia barely hears him.
Her eyes are trained very steadily on Amanda and she finds herself unable to look away, the other woman's dance moves quite impressive and sensuous despite the drunk and joking mood that her colleagues are currently displaying. Olivia's heart is thumping wildly inside her chest and she feels a nervous sweat blooming along her hairline when Amanda's eyes lock onto her own from across the room, the blonde detective smirking slightly as she grinds her hips against Carisi's, her arms wound tightly around his neck. Olivia finds herself subconsciously licking her lips in response, that need and jealously intertwining so sharply together that she feels short of breath, quite sure that Amanda is dancing more provocatively now that the younger woman knows she is being watched.
"You're staring, Liv..." Fin mumbles warningly, his hand coming to rest on her arm again."Don't let her get to you."
"She's drunk," Olivia mutters in reply, suddenly feeling defensive of Amanda, although she isn't quite sure why. "Maybe she doesn't know what she's doing."
"Oh, give me a break. That girl knows exactly what she's doing," Fin chuckles with an exasperated shake of his head. "She's trying to drive you nuts, Liv, and clearly it's working."
"I'm fine," Olivia insists, throwing the older man a quick frown but her eyes immediately slide back over to focus on Amanda once again, the other woman's gaze still boring straight into her own with an unwavering intensity as she pushes her body impossibly closer to her fellow detective's.
"Yeah, you look like you're fine," Fin answers sarcastically, and Olivia doesn't even have to glance at him to know that he is rolling his eyes. "You know, I'm starting to wonder the same thing you were; if this damn night is ever going to end."
"Why, what's the matter?" Olivia asks distractedly, the anger and arousal that is pulsing through her enough to drive her right out of her mind, her knees bouncing up and down with restless agitation and her fingers systemically shredding every single napkin on the table.
"What isn't the matter at this point?" Fin complains, sounding like a disgruntled little boy. "I've had to watch my boss and my partner making googly eyes at each other all night, not to mention that little game of footsie you two were playing under the table earlier that you didn't seem to think anyone else would notice, and now my co-workers are dry humping each other so vigorously on the dance floor, they look like they're about to start having actual intercourse right there in the middle of the bar. Not to mention the fact that I'm so wasted I think I'm about to start puking."
The older man's drunken tirade has finally pulled Olivia's gaze away from Amanda, and she glances over to see Fin leaning back in his seat with his arms crossed over his chest and an actual pout fixed on his face. "And this music sucks and I have no one to go home with tonight," he adds mournfully, Olivia's lips twitching into her first genuine smile of the evening.
She is about to give Fin some much-needed sympathy when the song suddenly switches from R&B and hip hop to something very slow and mellow, Amanda and Carisi now swaying together in each other's arms and the lights dimming dramatically.
"Oh, for fuck's sake," Fin spits out in disgust. "What the hell kind of a bar is this, anyway? I feel like I'm at a fucking high school dance here. There's a mixture of fast and slow songs with mood lighting and some karaoke thrown in for good measure? Are we supposed to be reliving our teenage years, here?"
"Watch your language, will you, Fin? And Carisi picked the place," Olivia sighs in frustrated exhaustion. "I don't know what he was thinking."
"Well, I can tell you he that definitely hasn't been thinking with his head tonight," Fin replies with a knowing grin, elbowing Olivia playfully in the ribs. "He's been thinking with something else, though. You might have some competition there, Liv."
Olivia's face is burning with humiliation now and she stumbles quickly to her feet with the intention of striding out of the bar as fast as she possibly can, acknowledging that Fin may have made a good point when he had asked if they were reliving their teenage years. She certainly feels like she is, seemingly caught up in some kind of twisted and immature romantic triangle with her colleagues, the alcohol sloshing unpleasantly in her stomach and threatening to make a reappearance very soon. This whole situation is so inappropriate, so completely the opposite of who Olivia usually is, that she needs to put an end to it and just get the hell out of there.
"Liv, where are you going? I was just joking around," Fin says in concern, reaching out to grab her arm, but Olivia yanks herself loose from his grasp to grab her purse and throw some money on the table.
"I need to go home, Fin. I hope the rest of your night is good," she mutters almost inaudibly, whirling around to leave and almost colliding with a waitress whose arms are laden down with dirty dishes stacked high upon a tray.
They dance awkwardly around one another for a moment before Olivia slips by the young woman and continues her journey toward to the door, ignoring Fin's voice as he shouts her name. She feels dizzy and sick and is in desperate need of some fresh air, the multiple discussions of the other bar patrons ringing in her ears and the syrupy sweet melody of the current song enough to induce vomiting.
The door is in Olivia's sights and a sigh of relief is poised upon her lips when she is suddenly grabbed by a very enthusiastic hand, an arm looping through her own and realizes that she is being yanked onto the dance floor, coming face to face with one of her very drunk subordinates.
"Hey, Liv, come join me!" Carisi yells eagerly over the music and the din of conversation, Olivia removing her arm from his and backing away slightly, looking around in confusion because she notices right away that someone is missing.
"Where's Amanda?" she asks, unable to spot the younger woman anywhere in the nearby crowd.
"She went into the bathroom for a minute to freshen up," Carisi replies, wiping an arm over his forehead, which is damp with sweat. "I'm too hyper to sit down, though, so I needed to keep dancing without her."
Olivia feels a mixture of relief and disappointment at this answer, as she should be able to sneak out the door without running into Amanda on the way, if Carisi doesn't keep her chatting for too long, but knowing that she won't see the younger woman until Monday morning at the precinct fills her with a strange sort of emptiness and despair. "You're slow dancing by yourself?" she questions, raising her eyebrows at him.
"Yup! Where are you going, anwyay? Are you leaving?" Carisi asks with a crestfallen expression, gesturing toward the purse Olivia has slung over her shoulder.
"Yeah, I'm going home," Olivia mumbles, starting to turn away and stopping momentarily because the younger man looks far more devastated by this news than he should, and she feels like she is ruining the fun night out that he had planned for everyone. "I've just had enough." She is talking about more than just the evening out and for a split second Carisi seems baffled by her grave tone before a hopeful, lopsided grin spreads across his face.
"You've had enough?" he questions in surprise. "But, Liv, the night is still young! We're just getting started here. Why don't you dance with us when Amanda comes back?"
"No, I'm leaving," Olivia says firmly, taking another step away from the detective as all she wants is to get outside and away from this place and these people. She glances around surreptitiously for any sign of Amanda's return to the dance floor and when she doesn't see her, raises a slightly shaky hand in farewell. "Have a good night, Carisi. The three of you should probably start slowing down on the drinks soon, okay?"
"Sure, boss," he replies cheerfully, that goofy grin still plastered across his face and Olivia suppresses the urge to roll her eyes in response, as she is guessing the last thing on any of their minds is laying off the booze for the rest of the night.
Carisi says goodnight to Olivia several more times in between begging her to stay before she is finally able to push through the crowd and make her escape out the door, surprised that Amanda has not reappeared while they have been talking. She briefly considers going into the bathroom to make sure the younger woman is okay before starting her trip home but then decides against it as all she wants to do is take a cold shower and crawl into bed and cry.
The air is thick and moist as Olivia clatters down the front steps of the bar, her high heel catching briefly in a crack in the cement and threatening to send her tumbling to the ground before she catches herself and straightens up, smoothing her dress down over her thighs. The stubborn heat is still clinging onto the city even at this late hour of the day, the sun having disappeared from the sky hours ago and being replaced by a thin fog that shrouds the moon, the muggy air wrapping around her like a wet and heavy blanket.
Lightning flickers far off in the distance and Olivia picks up the pace, her stomach clenching in terror at the thought of yet another storm and hoping to beat the first crack of thunder as her apartment is not too far from the bar. Despite having consumed so much alcohol over the course of the evening, the booze beginning to muddle her thoughts somewhat, she remembers with acute clarity what it had felt like to be cradled so gently in Amanda's arms during the last storm and is overcome with an intense wave of longing and loneliness.
"Hey, Liv," a sultry female voice suddenly says and Olivia stops dead in her tracks, whirling around to see Amanda standing just off the sidewalk in the darkened alleyway as if she has conjured up the other woman's presence merely by thinking about her.
Amanda is leaning casually against the bricks of the next building, a cigarette held daintily between fingertips that are painted red to match her lips and shoes, blowing grey rings of smoke into the air, big blue eyes narrowed as she watches Olivia approach. The younger woman looks much different than she had only moments ago inside the bar, the silly drunken demeanor replaced by something else; something raw and almost dangerous, a predatory gleam in the detective's eye as she appraises Olivia with a dramatically arched eyebrow and expels another plume of smoke lazily from between her lips, the vapor curling into the air above her head to mix in with the fog before it disappears. One of Amanda's knees is bent and her foot is resting on the wall behind her, a spiked heel digging into the bricks and short black dress rising tantalizingly high on one toned thigh, long blonde hair windblown and wild.
There is so much seduction in the way Amanda has uttered the shortened form of her name that Olivia feels her toes curl inside of her high heels in response, and she is determined not to show how much the close proximity of the other woman is affecting her. "What are you doing out here, Rollins?" she asks in a deceptively casual tone. "Carisi said you were in the bathroom."
"Again with that Rollins crap," Amanda snorts derisively, rolling her eyes and taking another deep drag from her cigarette. "I needed a smoke break after I went to the bathroom, Benson." She chuckles briefly. "But I forgot my cigarettes in my purse, which I left at the table with Fin, so I had to borrow one from someone smoking outside the bar."
"You were gone for a little while," Olivia replies evenly, trying to keep her knees from knocking together as she can feel her limbs trembling nervously, the combination of the impending storm and Amanda standing so close to her doing their best to throw her even more off kilter than she already is. "I was wondering if you were okay."
"Well, isn't that sweet of you, Benson," Amanda answers in a mocking tone that is entirely different from the easygoing and lighthearted way she had been speaking to both of the guys when they had been inside; a mixture of anger and arousal seeming to simmer just below the surface of her words. "For your information, I'm just fine, thank you. I had to go into the bathroom to take my panties off and throw them in the trash."
"Oh, okay...wait, what?" Olivia stutters out, titling her head in confusion as she regards the other woman intently, her heart racing in her chest again at the thought of Amanda just leaning there so carelessly against the brick wall with no underwear on beneath that short black dress, Olivia's gaze involuntarily straying down between Amanda's slightly spread legs, feeling a dampness at the juncture of her own thighs now.
When she glances back up at the blonde detective, Amanda is smirking at her knowingly, a wet tongue poking out to trail sensually around her lipsticked mouth. "Why did you take your underwear off?" Olivia asks in a carefully steady voice, the inside of her mouth suddenly feeling very dry.
"Because they were wet," Amanda answers offhandedly, with a flippant wave of her hand. "Soaked, actually. Do you have any idea how uncomfortable it is to walk around with wet panties on?"
"Well, thanks to this conversation, I do," Olivia mutters in a disgruntled tone while trying to ignore the ache between her legs, the smile of satisfaction spreading across the younger woman's face making that anger rise up inside of her again. "Did dancing with Carisi get you all hot and bothered?" she sneers bitterly, the image of her colleagues grinding together in the middle of the bar seemingly tattooed on her brain.
"So what if it did?" Amanda says lightly, flicking her cigarette onto the dirty ground and grinding it to dust beneath a sharp red heel. "You rejected me, right? So why do you care?"
"Well, quite frankly, I think that's a pretty shitty thing to do, Amanda," Olivia bites back sharply, stepping closer to the other woman in the alley now. "He's your friend and co-worker and you're just stringing him along? For what purpose? To get back at me for saying no to you? To make me jealous?"
"Oh, so you do know my first name, then," Amanda snaps out, a frown pulling her eyebrows deeply together. "And I would never do that to Carisi. I'm not stringing him along, Olivia. He's one of my very best friends. I would never do that to him."
"Oh, really?" Olivia argues heatedly. "Then what was all that crap in the bar? Dancing so closely to him and singing those songs?"
"We were just having some fun," Amanda argues back. "We've all had a lot to drink and we were just blowing off some steam. It doesn't mean anything."
"Well, you might want to tell him that because I'm pretty sure he has a different opinion on the situation," Olivia replies and realizes that she is close to yelling at this point. She rakes her hands over her face in a exasperated manner, trying not to visibly flinch at the low rumble of thunder that follows a brief streak of lightning across the sky. "Okay, I need to go home now," she continues in a deflated voice. "This whole evening has been an exercise in frustration. Not to mention that it has been one of the most juvenile nights I've experienced in a very long time."
"Jesus," Amanda mutters under her breath. "God forbid you actually go out and have some fun for once, instead of being the straight-laced lieutenant that you always are. Do you ever get sick of being you, Liv? So rigid and play-by-the-rules all the time. You're such a boring stick-in-the-mud. Why don't you just loosen the hell up, huh?"
"Don't you dare talk to me like that," Olivia warns darkly, taking another step toward the other woman so they are face to face right now, and all she wants to do is wipe that stupid smirk off of Amanda's lips, her eyes straying down to that painted red mouth so alluringly near.
"What are you going to do about about it, Benson?" Amanda challenges teasingly, and before Olivia even knows what she is doing, her mouth is crashing down on top of the blonde detective's, Amanda's body shoved very firmly up against the wall now and Olivia's hands braced on either side of her head, fingernails gouging themselves painfully into the bricks.
The kiss is heated and intense, nothing like the tentative gentleness of the kiss they had shared the previous Friday, and Olivia pushes herself closer to the other woman, sliding a knee between Amanda's thighs as she is overcome with an fierce wave of need and lustful exuberance, the pure raw desire taking her breath away, unable to remember the last time she has felt this way. Amanda moans into her mouth and Olivia can feel small hands winding themselves into her hair and red-painted fingernails twisting the dark strands around and around as a wet tongue slips past her lips and into her mouth, the younger woman beginning to rock insistently into her leg.
Olivia knows that they need to put a stop to this; that they are frantically making out in an alleyway in the middle of a busy street like a couple of horny teenagers who can't keep themselves under control and that she and Amanda are basically putting on a show for anyone who happens to walk by. But she can't seem to pull herself away no matter how hard she tries, the younger woman tasting like a combination of beer and cigarettes and mint flavored chewing gum, Amanda gasping into her mouth now. Olivia's thigh feels damp where it is still pressed very firmly between the detective's legs and she has soaked through her own underwear now, the thought of Amanda naked just beneath the flimsy material of that tiny black dress only heightening her arousal to an explosive degree.
Olivia is stunned at how alarmingly near she already is to flying completely apart, the impending orgasm way too close for comfort, and she yanks herself away from her colleague with a breathless moan, hearing the sigh of disappointment from Amanda's lips and standing there a step away, just staring at her in shocked disbelief, both of them panting very hard now. She is taken aback by how gorgeous the smaller woman looks, Amanda's normally pale cheeks flushed pink from a combination of alcohol and dancing and kissing, long blonde hair fluffed out around her face in untamed waves and a smudge of dark red lipstick smeared across her cheek.
Olivia reaches out a violently trembling hand to gently swipe the stain away, recalling with distaste how Carisi had done the exact same thing inside the bar when Amanda's cheek had been streaked with barbecue sauce. "We need to stop, Rollins," she says softly, her voice shaking slightly as she watches the other woman stand up straight and smooth her dress down over her legs in an attempt to compose herself.
The younger woman is staring right back at her with wide blue eyes cloudy with arousal, long lashes curled up prettily with thick black mascara, the red lipstick standing out dramatically against her complexion and blatant need written all over her face. "You can call me Amanda, you know," the detective whispers, the corner of her lip quirking up into a smile.
"Sorry about that," Olivia murmurs quietly, wishing the uncomfortable speed of her heart rate would slow down a little. "I know I do that...I know I call you by your last name all the time and I need to stop. I think it was just my way of holding you at arm's length, not letting you get too close. I'm sorry about that, Amanda," she says sincerely. "I'm sorry about a lot of things, including everything that happened at your place last week. I was grouchy and rude and I shouldn't have kissed you back. It was wrong."
Amanda arches a doubtful eyebrow and the smile playing at the corner of her lip stretches into a full fledged grin. "Well, Liv, you just kissed me again and this time I wasn't the one to initiate it," she points out with a chuckle. "So are you going to apologize for that too?"
"Yes," Olivia replies very seriously, even though all she wants is to do it again and it is taking everything in her power to remain right where she is, locking her feet into the gravel beneath her shoes so she doesn't push Amanda back into the wall again and crash her lips against the smaller woman's once more.
Amanda rolls her eyes and reaches out to take Olivia's hands into her own, squeezing them lightly "You don't have to apologize," she says very firmly. "And Liv, I had to take off my wet panties because of you, not Carisi. Just sitting across the table from you got me all hot and bothered."
Olivia's heart gives another quick, aroused leap, sweat blooming on her skin in the humid night air, and she is just about to respond when there is a bright flash of lightning just above their heads, followed by a loud roll of thunder. She lets out a whimper before she can stop herself, pulling her hands out of Amanda's grasp so she can reach up to cover her mouth in embarrassment, that familiar fear encompassing her once again. Olivia hardly resists as she watches the younger woman step forward and hold out her arms with a sympathetic and caring look on her face, wrapping her up into a tight embrace, Olivia's head automatically coming to rest on Amanda's shoulder.
"It's okay, honey," Amanda whispers soothingly into her ear, stroking a tender hand over Olivia's hair, and she shivers at the pet name and comforting ministrations. "I know you're scared of the storm, so why don't you come home with me? We can have another sleepover, but this time without the guys. I'll be there to hold you and keep you safe."
Olivia wants nothing more than to say yes to Amanda's suggestion; to follow the detective back to apartment and climb into her cozy bed and cuddle up into the other woman's warm embrace. But she knows that this is a mistake; that she needs to put a stop to whatever it is that is going on between them before it progresses any further and spirals out of control, that it is own fault for initiating things just now in the alleyway but that she has no choice but to reign herself in because this is firmly and unequivocally wrong.
"I can't," she mumbles quietly into Amanda's ear, her heart aching with pain and regret as she feels the other woman's body stiffen against her own. "This isn't right, Amanda. We can't do this."
The blonde detective doesn't respond right away and they stand there in the dank and dirty alleyway, holding onto each other tightly while the rain begins to splatter down upon them, the storm gearing up to be another fierce one, and Olivia feels the younger woman's chin shifting on her shoulder, quivering lightly as her colleague's lips graze briefly across her neck.
"I think I'm in love with you, Liv," Amanda whispers softly into her ear and then pulls away to back out of their embrace, gazing up at her with a tortured expression fixed on her delicate features before pivoting on her spiked red heels and striding out onto the sidewalk without a backward glance, disappearing into the night before Olivia has a chance to respond, the ache in her chest spreading out to encompass her entire body.
I think I'm love with you too.