Inspired by the song: Love is colder than death by The Virgins. That is the lyrics of this song in the summary.
Standing there, still as a stick and positively more lifeless than one, was making Rory Gilmore sick; more than she already felt at that. People passed by, all giving her an apologetic look as if every single person in the room had a saying in what had happened, but none of them tried to even speak to her, they didn't even dared to look at her in the eye and confront months and months of pain and inconsiderate desolation that Rory kept in those blue pools of hers.
But, truly, what would people even tell her? What would they ask? They didn't know her, nor they had known Lorelai; and for that the people inside the room were clueless as to what to offer to the poor, lonely girl. Rory tried to make her mind around at the why not one person from Stars Hollow had showed up. They were supposed to be her friends. No, her family and support in hard times like these, and yet they weren't there.
The urge to throw up that had been accumulating since she had gotten the call, finally kicked in; and Rory was glad, and that for only a slight second, that she had a believable excuse to leave her spot in the foyer and leave the duties in greeting people she hadn't met in her entire life.
Once in the upstairs bathroom, and tucked down on the cold marble, she realized there was no one there to hold her hair or to sooth her back tenderly; there was no one there anymore; she was all alone now. Her mom wasn't there, she had lost her best friend in a matter of minutes. All too unfair, all too justified.
But, even when she got thinking about that, Rory couldn't cry; she would feel the unbearable feeling all over her body; she felt raw and everything went through pain and then stayed sore for a little while until it was time to repeat when memory kicked in. She would look at herself in the mirror once the nausea died down, expecting to find red, puffy eyes or anything that indicated that she had started crying, anything that resembled hurting on the outside, but there wasn't.
"What is wrong with you?" She asked herself. "Why can't you cry?" Rory began to do the self-loathing then, because she was somehow scared that one day she would find a hole in her chest and no heart in there; no emotions. Scared of becoming a heartless person that didn't even cry at her mother's funeral.
That was a scary thought.
She looked at herself in the mirror for what would seem ages and her eyes went somewhere else in her reflection; she looked so pure, so small and innocent, gullible she dared to say. She looked like everything her mom had been proud of. And she couldn't handle that. Her reflection became too much to handle.
On her way downstairs she saw her grandmother walking to the door and open it gracefully with a convincing smile, fake though still convincing; Rory could see how much Emily was hurting too, but she was stronger, even when she didn't want to be. While Rory saw her grandmother greet yet again another pair of strangers in the foyer, she glanced further to the door to Richard's study, closed permanently since this morning, it somehow looked immensely impotent, and even looking at it made Rory cringe; her grandfather hadn't been as strong as her grandmother; he had drowned himself in whiskey and resentment towards himself.
Walking all the way down the stairs this time, she turned to the living room avoiding the door and the greeting, and gulped when she saw the room packed up with more people than she had left it with. In front of the fireplace there was a photo of Lorelai placed in the very middle. She looked way younger, maybe in her early twenties, but still so beautiful and full of life. Rory wanted to smile so badly at her mother's beautiful portrait, but all she could do was wince her face into a twitch that just as easily faded for the absent face she had been sporting since months ago.
Finally, the main door was opened again and Emily greeted two gentlemen in jacket suits and Rory believed she recognized both, more than that; her real family had arrived. And it became clear to Rory that she couldn't be in that room anymore. Not when all the town of Stars Hollow was arriving to her mom's funeral; she was afraid she would fall apart in front of all these people.
She needed to bail.
Her first thought was going out and into the pool house, where certainly nobody would be in and she could be alone with the silence and the knowledge of what she had been considering. Rory walked quickly, avoiding as much as she could running into somebody who would hold her in condolences for at least fifteen minutes; the back door was in perfect reach, but some voice stopped her.
"Rory." She stopped her actions abruptly at the hearing of her name, she held her breath in for thirty second; she counted them. "How are you, sweetie?" She flinched inwardly.
"Miserable." She answered and then turned around to face her dad; he was trying to smile at her, but his eyes were giving away how he truly felt.
"Come here." Said Christopher and walked the small distance between himself and his daughter, pulling Rory into a hug that seemed more to coax her than to comfort her. In any way, she felt protected somehow and let out a long sigh.
"I don't think I can live without her, dad." She whispered shakily; it was true; everything she was and everything she had done in the past was because of Lorelai and now, well, now Rory wasn't sure if she could manage being all of those things. "She left me, and I can't be without her. It's not fair."
"Hey, hey. We'll be alright, Ror, we're gonna get past this." He promised and held her tighter into his embrace, not wanting to let go. "Together." Rory nodded onto his shoulder and sniffed; tears? She thought, but it was just a reflex she found out as she passed a hand through her face.
"Yes, together, we...need to stay together." She repeated, convincing herself that this was, indeed, happening to her; that the reason her dad was saying these things wasn't because he had no other choice now that her mother was gone.
Half an hour later, and many small talks and stories of Lorelai that weren't at all true, Rory saw one of the two men who had arrived a little earlier in the evening and she had wanted to avoid. The tall framed guy was walking towards her, his face was steadily facing the floor and once in a while he would look up to see her; he was pursing his lips and his brows were furrowed, hands in pockets and shoulders down. And he came standing in front of her.
"How are you holding up?" He asked, reaching out for her hand and clasping it between the two of his.
"Just fine." She lied. "Dean, what are you doing here, with Luke?" He seemed to be confused and then his face came back to pitying her.
"Well, we came to pay our respects to Lorelai and to see you." He stated. "I've been worried."
"I'm fine, Dean, really. This is just...tough, but I'm a big girl." His frown deepened, but then, after considering her face for a while his face softened completely.
"This is more than just tough, Rory, and that's why I'm here also, I want to be your rock. Whatever the matter, I'll be there for you." Rory sighed deeply and shook her head absently.
"Dean, I'm not going back to Stars Hollow." She announced. "Not now or any time soon" he was silenced but a few seconds later he nodded.
"I thought that would be a possibility, but I'm here for you no matter what." He repeated his intentions again and squeezed her hand tighter. "And I will not go away." Rory gulped and stepped closer to hold him, he returned the embrace easily and happily, he liked to feel needed and in situations like this Rory needed him. He kissed the top of her head sweetly.
"Where's Luke?" She asked suddenly and stepping back a little.
"He, uh, I think he's talking to your grandmother." Rory tensed but made no sign to move. "And he's okay." Finished Dean.
"I think I need to be in some place quiet," Rory said. "Come with me?" She offered her hand to Dean and he took it in a heartbeat, letting himself be guided through the chatting people. They went through the back door and then the wood gate, entering the pool house seconds later.
"My mom's gone, Dean." Rory said, frowning to the sun outside; it was the beginning of the summer and the sun was shining every day. "I'm alone now."
"No, you're not." He answered quickly as he stepped closer to her; Rory however walked away from him to the drink cart, she was thirsty. "What are you doing?" Dean asked in puzzlement when he saw her lift the bourbon bottle up and then walking around to sit on the couch.
"I don't want to feel this way anymore." She reasoned, taking a big gulp out of the bottle and grimacing at the harsh taste that burnt down in her throat. "I can't live with my heart feeling like this anymore. Like life is not worth living. All I want to do is stop hurting."
Dean felt his feet glued to the floor, he couldn't move though he knew what he had to do: take the alcohol bottle away from Rory and hold her until she fell asleep or encourage her to...live. But he could do nothing, because he could see the pain in Rory all inside her and all around her. He sighed and walked to sit down next to her, watching her with pity and hoping that she was right, that this was the way to take the pain away, even if just for a minute.
"You know we're all here for you Rory, right? All the town."
"Funny you should say that." She laughed bitterly. "You and Luke are the only ones from Stars Hollow here; that does not show very much support, does it?" Dean sighed.
"Rory-" he began, but she cut him off abruptly.
"I'm going to live here." She gestured around the house. "Welcome to my place." She teased. Dean could tell she had already drunk a big deal out of the bottle.
"I thought you were going with your dad." He said, apparently confused.
"To Boston? Dear god no! He thinks I will, but it's not going to work; I'll live with my grandparents until I go away to college." She stated and then frowned. "Did you know my mom never went to college? I mean, she was taking night classes and everything now, but Yale, Harvard, Princeton...she never went there." She smiled. "And yet she was so smart; that's a real example there Dean-y, you don't need to go to college to be smart. That's just bullshit."
"It is." He agreed, eyeing the bottle that now was at the half. "Hey, I think you've had enough of that." He tried to take the glass bottle off her hands but she denied him any access.
"No, no, no, you can't never have enough of this." She smirked at him. "Here, have some." Rory almost threw the bourbon to Dean and then stepped up the couch walking away towards a door. "Oh, cool bed! Hey, uh, Dean, come see." He groaned silently and followed his girlfriend. She was sitting down on the king sized bed and she patted the space beside her for him to sit down, he obliged quickly.
"It's nice in here." He said. "Very quiet."
"Which is just what I want." Rory whispered and closed the small distance between them, first giving their usual chaste kiss, then, looking into his eyes and his hair, his whole face, she was reminded of conversations with her mother about Dean; she had to shut her eyes tightly and her lips began to move fiercely against his, deepening it when Dean gasped out in surprise. Her hands rounded his neck and her body moved in desperation to his lap. But he pushed her away.
"Rory, no, don't, not now." He said.
"Please," Rory said, her heart trumping inside of her, she always felt about to cry, but she never could. "Help me forget, even if is just for a little while."
"This is not how it goes; this will not help you; you'll only regret it later."
"No, I won't. I want this, Dean, I-I need this now." She made a move to be closer to him again, only catching his lips in one short kiss, her mouth moving lower down his neck. "Please." He sighed pleasurably and finally his hands came around her waist, tentatively going down her hips. Her hands moved to his thighs, rubbing them slowly and strongly, then the clicking of his belt being unbuckled brought Dean back to this world again.
"No." He stated sharply and pushing Rory off of him, then placing his hands on his temples and rubbing them in an attempt to regain his composure. "This is not okay, Rory."
"You are possibly the only guy who'd say no to sex, and you're my boyfriend." He looked up to watch her; she looked hurt, she looked ashamed, she looked angry.
"This is not about the sex; is where we are and when."
"Right." She moved and stood up, placing her clothes and all of herself right back into place, walking away and through the open door. "My mom's funeral." She muttered to herself.
She was sitting down at the dinner table in her grandparents' house- no, correction; her house - facing the empty chair that Lorelai would usually occupy; Rory was alone in the dining room, waiting for her dad and her grandparents to come out of Richard's studio, they were arguing about something, business they said, but Rory knew it was about her. Where is she going to stay? Who is going to have a say in her life?
But what Rory knew for sure was that there wasn't much arguing coming from her dad. Or at all.
She had wanted to go back to Stars Hollow, to go back home; and she knew that if she wanted to go visit once in a while that would be fine. But then, when she thought back about her small town, the thought of her mom came with it, came with everything really and she would flinch every time. Now, she wasn't certain if going back would be something she could bare.
The door of the office finally opened and the dining room was suddenly filled with her family.
"Hi, Ror." Said Christopher with a vague attempt of a smile. "We have to discuss something, you and me." He looked pointedly at Emily and Richard and the elder Gilmores walked back to the office with killing glares. Rory did not see this, though she could say she could've cut the tension in the room with a knife.
"What is it?" She asked, as innocently as she could. Chris took a chair from the head of the table and moved it nearer to Rory.
"Thing is, kid, that your mother did have a will and, um, I am not your legal guardian, crazy because I'm your father." He sighed. "Emily and Richard are your legal tutors, that's the way Lorelai wanted it and we're going to respect that." Rory remained silent and looked at her dad's face, very expressionless even when it didn't have to be. "It's better this way if you think about it; you have school here, your friends and-and Dean, right? I think you really need them now." Chris looked at Rory's eyes for any kind of reaction, he could tell her thoughts were far off. A strong silence came in and Chris took it to analyze his daughter, up until now he hadn't really seen her; she had bags under her eyes, her skin looked to be turning greenish and he couldn't help but notice how thin she had become. Guilt came to smash into his face, he was punishing himself for the way her daughter looked; she had been there all through Lorelai's disease without an extra support; hadn't been there for her enough when she needed him, and that stung him to no end.
"Okay." That was the only thing she could say after a while of quietness. Chris wasn't quite sure if she had heard him or if she was just saying that absentmindedly because she'd realized that it was her turn to speak in the conversation.
"I'm going to come here and visit you a lot when I can, I promise." Rory half smiled at him and nodded. "I told you we'd be together through this, and I intent on keeping my word." He reached out for her hand and squeezed it reassuringly. Rory couldn't help but wonder on when he had ever kept his word.
Emily and Richard came in the room, smiling at her and Rory gulped, because she had never felt so lonely in all of her damned life.
She couldn't go back to her house, Rory found out. She had tried to, but it seemed as if the more effort she put on it, the harder it was. Lorelai's papers and things needed to be looked over and she wanted to do it herself, she just needed a little more time. Her grandparents told Rory they could keep the house if she wanted to, that there was no need to sell it, that she could go back anytime she wanted; but she was still thinking it over. Because, why would she want a house where she couldn't set foot into without cringing?
Her mother loved that house; they both had grown up in that house; Rory knew she would never give it up, but, nevertheless, her mind wasn't set on a decision according to that one issue.
Rory told her grandparents that she couldn't live in the bedroom that had once been Lorelai's, and the feeling of the house, so cold and foreign, still had memories of her mother. It was hard to push those away, even harder to deal with them, so she didn't. And after a long talk with Richard, they settled on letting Rory live in the pool house as she had wanted.
Emily spent the entire summer redecorating the inhabited house, Rory saw it as some kind of distraction from life, keeping busy always did work for the Gilmores when trying to push aside whatever thing was keeping them off tracks. Emily with her decorations and DAR gatherings, Richard with his job and Rory with school, which was why she couldn't wait for summer to be over; in the mid-time she had read the better part of her grandfather's library; escaping to other fantastic worlds was, in some way, soothing.
The pool house was strange to her, which was a good thing because Rory didn't have any memories in it, at all actually. Except for Dean and his rejection.
She hadn't talked to him since the funeral, and it somehow gave her calmness. She had needed comfort and love and he hadn't given it to her, had denied it to her. Now she had one less reason to go back to Stars Hollow, one of the only ones remaining was Lane, her best friend.
"How are you holding up, Ror?" Lane asked, sitting beside Rory on a bench in the town's square. Rory clenched her jaw at the question, having been asked that so many times now, she felt partially like it was all on some kind of script she hadn't been handed.
"I've been better." She said. Lane nodded and placed a hand on her shoulder reassuringly.
"I'm here for you. We're all here for you."
"Yeah, I know, thank you." They fell into silence, watching people pass by going on with their regular lives. "I don't know if I will be able to come back."
"To Stars Hollow?"
"Everywhere I look I'm reminded of my mom, and I can't handle that, Lane." Rory said, looking down to the floor and then all around her, making her point more valid to herself.
"Rory, everything you do will remind you of her right now, it's too recent. But Stars Hollow is your home. Everyone who loves you is right here." Rory looked away.
"Yeah, well, I'm not sure about that."
"What do you mean?" Rory cleared her throat and decided to tell her best friend what had happened.
"I needed Dean and he just wasn't there, he treated me as if I was throwing myself at him." She grimaced. "Maybe I was, who knows?"
"Throwing yourself at him, like, in..." Lane flushed and seemed flustered; Rory rolled her eyes and she was surprised herself by her reaction. What was going on?
"Sex." Stated Rory clearly. "I wanted to have sex and he just shrugged me off." Bitterness in her tone. "He is my boyfriend, it wasn't as if we had never met."
"When was this?" Rory cleared her throat again absently.
"That is not important." Her face hardened. "The fact was that I was ready and he ended up being the ridiculously sensitive one in the relationship." Lane frowned at his best friend, but couldn't react to Rory's abruptness because she knew where it was coming from, though she did flinch a little.
"Maybe he just wanted for it to be special." She paused. "He was being considered with how you felt."
"Well, I'm tired of everyone treating me like I will break, I'm tired of everyone assuming things about me and how I am. I don't want to be like that anymore." Lane scowled.
"Rory, no one's treating you like that." Her friend tried.
"No, everyone is, starting with you and Dean and all of this quirky town." Rory gestured all around her to people looking at her sympathetically, just to make her point look brighter.
"Well, maybe we're just trying to be emphatic about how you may be feeling." Lane began to raise her voice.
"Well, don't be." Rory snapped, then when Lane face had flushed more, now out of anger, Rory sighed. "I-I'm sorry, Lane. I'm not feeling very well. And I know you're just trying to help but, I really don't need it." She finished off coolly, to her own surprise.
"Well, then, call me when you do because I'm not going to stand here and watch you turn your back on people who obviously love you very much." Lane said, and then walked away from the town square to her house.
Rory rested her elbows on her knees and buried her face deep into her palms, she couldn't do this anymore. She rubbed her temples to drive some of her constant headache away. She had needed help from her friends before and probably needed it very much right now, but she wasn't very sure on whether they'd still like to be her friends after her new temper cooled down.
Now, she had no time to realize that pretty much one of her only reasons to come back to Stars Hollow had gone back to the house with a 'Kim's antiques' sing on the lawn, and closed the door with more than one grudge held against Rory.
Summer passed and ended pretty quickly after that conversation. Suddenly the time to go back to Chilton had come. Rory could say she was happy to go back to school, but she wouldn't, because happiness was something that she hadn't showed off yet; she felt wrong when she smiled or snorted at something, so she reprimanded everything that made her want to feel glad, it was unconscious and wrong, but she couldn't help it. She was not ready to smile yet.
She was having breakfast alone in the pool house three days before going back to school, she was drinking tea, not quite ready to bring coffee to her system yet, and a plate of fruit, odd enough as it was, none of this food made her wince with memories, so she took a pleasure in it. She looked up when she heard a noise outside; Emily was walking over with that graceful style of hers and a terrified expression.
"Rory, you must come to main door right now. There's this boy that has been knocking nonstop, first I thought he was here to deliver the errands from the market but, he says he's here for you." Her grandmother said quickly and only taking a small break to catch her breath. "I just didn't know if I should let him in, he says his name is Dan."
"Dean?" Rory frowned, though still surprised by what her grandma was telling her.
"Oh, yes, that's it, I think." Emily paused in deep thought. "Should I let him in?"
"No, grandma, I'll deal with him outside." Rory ran a hand through her forehead, suddenly a feeling of exhaustion overcoming her, but she had to get this out of the way.
She walked out of the pool house and went down the back lane that led to the front of the Gilmore estate; Dean was waiting by his piece of junk truck, nervously shifting his weight from one foot to another. Rory didn't want to see him there, it was too painful and too embarrassing to see her two worlds collide so openly; he didn't belong here, he didn't want to belong here; but Rory had no other choice but to.
"Hi." She said cautiously as she approached him by the side of the house. Rory had tried to overcome all of her emotions, in order to be in some kind of control, but she hadn't had much practice at that yet. Only time, she said to herself. "I didn't expect you to come."
"Yeah, sorry." He scratched the back of his neck and walked to meet Rory halfway from where she was standing. He scrunched a little, seeming to want to look smaller, or just big enough for her. "I should've called."
"No, that's okay." Rory shrugged it off. Dean tried to smile, but the smile did not reach his eyes. An awkward silence crept up between them; Rory had been drunk and depressed asking for something she knew she wanted and Dean had been the perfect boyfriend, knowing exactly that she'd regret something like that and also having associated her first time with her mother's funeral; they both knew that, but they weren't both able to admit it.
"So, I came here with this whole speech planed out, but my mind's drawing a blank completely." He said, trying to ease the silence with some useless explanation.
"Dean-"
"I don't want you to dump me, Rory." She frowned. "This new life is going to make you change, and by lord, if I'm not good enough for you now, then...you'll just realize you can do so much better."
"Hey, why would you say that? That's not true, Dean, you know I love you." Even then, when she said those words to ease his panic, all of that felt so shallow; it felt like she had said that a lifetime ago and she knew nothing would come out of that.
"I'm not good for you, Rory. I told you I'd be your rock, but it's just now that I know I can't be that." Rory stepped closer and raised her hands to cup his cheeks in an intimate act that felt so much like a charade.
"I don't need you to be my rock, I'm strong, and I just really need my boyfriend right now." Dean pursed his lips together and leaned into Rory's touch, closing his eyes momentarily.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure." She said, for a moment there enjoying how she had such control on whether her boyfriend smiled or cried; she was scared then, letting her face only show a half of it.
"What's wrong?" He asked.
"I-uh, nothing, my mind's just going around how are we going to work out our busy schedules so we can see each other more often." She offered. What was that feeling she just had earlier? She almost felt frivolous. Couldn't believe how good it felt, like a sudden rollercoaster, at other's expenses, but a rollercoaster nonetheless.
"Don't worry about that now, we'll make it work." He assured, moving his body to embrace her; Rory felt how he sighed and could picture him smiling sweetly out of comfort and relieve. Only was then that her mind started to swirl about what could make that turn all around.
She was lying in her bed later that day; everything silent, the pool house being so apart from the usual crazy yelling in the main house and all, giving her that extra pro. The bedroom walls had been changed from a bright orange to subtle shade of red, all her furniture was new, all of her clothes were new, everywhere she turned in the pool house, she couldn't recognize a thing; she thanked her grandmother silently for making it possible in such a short amount of time since Rory had shared her troubles with Emily.
Since Dean drove off to Stars Hollow, Rory had been thinking about that feeling she had; frivolous, cruel, cold and exciting. It had made her stomach flutter somehow, almost as some sort of adrenaline rush to have such control over somebody's actions, somebody's words, somebody's feelings. She scowled. There was it again; the cruel thinking, but she couldn't help it.
There was nothing in this house that Rory Gilmore had owned, at least not the old Rory Gilmore. All of this was new, all of this stuff could be owned by anybody else. So, for a moment or two, she thought she could make herself up to be somebody else. Whoever she would want to be; the credit cards were there to make so possible, everything was at her disposal if she desired it to, she just needed a little more practice at that too.
The main door in her living room was knocked; it was the maid saying that dinner was ready if she wanted to join, and for one; Rory was happy to.
She walked over to her grandparents' house, yes, because that's what it always would be, and stepped in the living room that was deserted; she heard a vague sound of music and followed it to the dining room; they were already sitting down and when Richard spotted her, he looked startled.
"Rory, you're here." He raised from his sit and quickly walked over to Rory pulling her into a quick hug, then, urging her to her sit, there was no chair placed opposite her this time, but she tried to ignore that as much as she could. "We're so happy you could join us." He said, as he went back to his seat.
"Ah, Rory, you look so thin, haven't you been eating at all? You have food in that house, don't you?" Rory smiled weakly at her grandmother; the three of them did see much of the others a lot, but it was because of the inevitable run-ins of living in the same quarters. Rory talked to her grandmother sometimes, not enough, but acceptable amount of times in which they had only discussed whether the new color for her walls was acceptable or had reached the fair level of perfection Emily wanted it to. With Richard, however, it was another story; he had drowned himself in work, trying to stay as busy as possible, so Rory didn't see him much.
Rory hadn't come to dinner with her grandparents since long ago, one thing everyone understood, but as part of the elder Gilmore's routines they couldn't push dinners away, that was why Rory didn't feel very impressed at both her grandparents' astonishment to see her standing right at the main hall.
"Yes, grandma, I just haven't been really hungry." She had been eating healthy, she meant. "And I really wanted to see you both tonight." Her grandparents exchanged glances and smiled at the blue eyed teen sitting next to them, thanking the maid for bringing her the soup.
"Well, that's good, because we're really happy to see you tonight too." The three smiled halfheartedly and ate in perfect silence for a moment, only listening to the music as some kind of timed background bound to disappear in any second.
"So, Rory, are you excited for your new school year at Chilton?" Richard asked and Rory nodded. School, good, safe subject.
"Very much, I've been craving for something to keep me busy." She paused. "Besides, I miss the whole grading me on reading." Richard chuckled.
"How's been work, grandpa?"
"Oh, you know, same old boring and business, nothing a girl of your age would find interesting."
"Really? I think you're underestimating me." Emily laughed them off.
"Oh, come on, Rory, you can't be really eager to listen to stories of work, and insurance work at that."
"Emily, I say you let the girl decide on that." Intervened Richard. "And what do you mean by insurance work at that? What is so boring about insurance?"
Rory sighed. She couldn't let her grandparents down of all people; she knew she wasn't going to be able to change for them. She knew that even if she spat at their faces they would still don't see it; so, why bother with them anyway? She wasn't going to let them know about this feeling she was having, or about the control issue; she couldn't change with Emily and Richard; she would have to hide it from Emily and Richard, but nothing indicated it would be hard.
Review :) tell me what you think. I started this one a long time ago and it was only until now that I decided to publish it. So, any thoughts you have on this will be truly appreciated.
Thanks for reading.