DISCLAIMER: Most of the characters mentioned in this story are fictional property of others and I'm just borrowing them for non-commercial amusement.
Author's Notes:
In a fit of hunger, I proposed the following ZnT story idea on TFF,
Louise somehow ends up summoning Colonel Sanders. A bit of confusion later they set up a fast food empire that changes Halkeginia forever. The "lower class" begins to enjoy the benefits of regular pay and eventually the middle class comes up. The entire story becomes a business/capitalistic plot instead of the current political/adventure storyline we have now.
It generated enough enthusiasm that I expanded it into a full-fledged one-shot. It was popular enough in the omake section of gabriel_blessing's (author of The Hill of Swords) forum that I decided to post it as an independent story. I'll warn you again - this is CRACK and meant to amuse.
As usual, please leave a review when you are done reading. Thank you!
-chronodekar
(19/August/2012)
Halkeginia Fried Chicken
A long time ago there was a man named Harland David Sanders. He owned a successful restaurant called "The Sanders Court & Café". However fate was unkind to him. The government had constructed a new interstate highway which pulled away most of his customers. What is not publicly known is that fate was responsible for the payoffs that led to the highway being approved in the first place. This trend would later be misused in political elections decades henceforth, but CENSORED BY GOVERNMENT FOR PUBLIC SAFETY.
Sanders grew depressed and left his restaurant seeking guidance from the heavens. He wandered aimlessly for hours on end in the countryside before encountering a chicken, the Road Runner and a box marked "from Acme Inc". It was an encounter that had the potential to change the world. Sanders ever-so-humble was so thankful for the enlightenment that he knelt down and raised his hands up to the heavens to say,
"Oh thank you Goddess Haruhi Suzumiya ! Through the grace of your beloved prophet and chaperon Kyon, I now have the recipe that will change the world ! Please guide me to where I must start spreading the finger-licking goodness!"
Unknown to Sanders the nefarious Wile E. Coyote was nearby constructing an overly complicated trap to catch him dinner. It consisted of a ham radio, three pencils, two boxes of tissue paper, a recording of a military broadcast and some miscellaneous equipment that wouldn't seem out of place in a brothel dedicated to pain. The Coyote had just setup the trap which triggered the recording. In a loud voice (from the 5000 dollar speaker system) an authoritative voice was heard that said,
"You have now been promoted to Colonel .."
That was as far as Sanders heard when he saw a green portal open up in front of him. In the blink of an eye, he was sucked into it and that was the last he remembered of his time on earth.
For the next part of our story we shift our attention to the Monarchy of Tristain. It's a small country in the continent of Halkeginia, located in a world somewhere in the unknown universe. Rumor has it that the only other individual to visit this world from earth was a boy called Ryoga Hibiki. However, due to the difficult nature of locating and subsequently interviewing said individual these claims cannot be verified.
For the most part, Tristain is an independent nation which follows a policy of neutrality - they do NOT like to get involved with conflicts with their neighbors. This unique foreign policy enabled Tristain to grown into a scholastic paradise. The Tristain Academy of Magic is world renowned for its dedication to academic excellence and nobles from all the regions send their wards there to pursue their education.
Which was how Louise Françoise Le Blanc de La Vallière found herself spending the last year. To say Louise was short would be an understatement. She measures 5 feet in height, which qualifies her for the pre-schoolers discount when riding public transportation. That is to say she pays nothing. Or to put it in numerical terms, ZERO. It led her to be known throughout the Academy as "Louise the Zero" - a nickname which she proudly wears.
As for her intelligence, Louise is a prodigy. Her knowledge of magical theory remains unsurpassed among her peers throughout the Academy - in fact she is directly responsible for the last 8 magic patents the Academy registered. She does have one … flaw. Her spells, while effective always come with an explosion. Even basic healing spells. It is a phenomena that still continues to confound her professors to this day - how can you cast a healing spell that blows everything up and yet patch the wound?
Near the beginning there was a movement to nickname her "Louise the Explosion". However, another student by the name of Kirche Augusta Frederica von Anhalt Zerbst objected to it. She just didn't feel it right that someone else could cause men to explode with passion as she could. It was a misunderstanding that no-one wanted to correct. As a compromise the rumor mill dubbed her "Louise the Zero" and it's been her nickname ever since.
Today was the day for the second year's Familiar Summoning Ritual. Dubbed FSR by the more syllable minded populus, it was an important event when a magician would summon a special creature to serve as their partner for life. The FSR was in full swing and many students had already called forth their familiars. Louise however, had a different idea in mind. Why should she, the most intelligent of her peers need to summon an ordinary familiar? No, that just wouldn't do. So she had spent the last few weeks researching the FSR spells. It took a lot of hard work, but she found out that by changing the wording of the spell used she could get something far more valuable than an "ordinary" familiar.
Standing proud and firm Louise took her place next to the ancient summoning circle. She then raised her wand to begin the chant,
"By the power of Grayskull and the ever seeing eye of Yuki Nagato, I ask of the Heavens! Please locate my Familiar somewhere in the unknown universe. Be he short or tall, big or small, pervert or not, does not matter ! As long as he will help me change the world, I ask of thee Great Big Hand in the Sky, please deliver my familiar to me !"
The ground began to shake as she started her chant. The summoning circle began to glow green. It suddenly began to pulse red, then blue, then red again. As she finished the spell, a pillar of light grew in the center of the summoning circle. It grew a few feet into the sky and if you looked up you could see something coming down in that light. What it was no-one could say. Eventually, after tense moments, the figure reached the circle. No sooner than it touched the ground did the entire area get filled with an explosion.
"Vallière ! For just once will it hurt that you TRY avoiding to cover us with soot?" shouted Kirche who was blackened out and shaking the excess soot from her blouse and skirt.
When the dust cleared, everyone could see what Louise had summoned. It was a middle aged man. He was wearing a white shirt and white pants which were obviously darkened thanks to the earlier explosion. Louise blinked when she looked at him. Then she blinked again.
Professor Colbert did not like what he was seeing. It was unprecedented! A student making up her own chant and another human being appearing because of it. It wasn't right and had to be stopped. Immediately. He ran towards the summoning circle to prevent the obvious commoner from being called a fake familiar. This wouldn't happen on his watch !
As soon as she saw the man, Louise knew what she had to do. Her spell had worked and he would be her familiar. He would help her change the world. But first, the spell would need to be completed first. She immediately jumped into his arms and kissed him passionately on the lips. The summon responded by wrapping his arms around her and returned the kiss. There was only one thought on the minds of the students who saw the scene.
'Pervert'
Meanwhile, the summoning circle grew a dark purple color and runes began to be etched on the back of the man's hands. Well, at first they looked like runes but when it was over all one could see were two black polka dots on the back of his hands. On the left and the other on the right.
Professor Colbert couldn't believe his eyes - it did happen on his watch.
Eventually, everyone got to know that Louise's summon was a man called "Colonel Sanders". He claimed to have come to serve his Lady (Louise) on behalf of his goddess. Unfortunately that admission just worsened the reputation around him. When Louise came to know of it, she attempted to dispel the rumor by gathering everyone in front of the Vestry court. She then proceeded to prove that her familiar was normal by kissing him again.
Unfortunately, the fact that she was blushing afterwards just made things worse. Eventually the two of them became known as "Louise the Zero" and "Colonel Sanders the Pervert".
Rumors however could not stop Colonel Sanders from his mission. Oh no! He was there to change the world, and by the goddess he would do it !
Louise was skeptical at first. The only thing her familiar had was a chicken recipe. Just a chicken recipe ! Did her spell go horribly wrong? What about all the nights she spent calculating? All the notes she made, all the effort she put in? Was it all for just a chicken recipe?
Turns out, yes. That was all her familiar was good for - cooking chicken (and giving her wonderful sponge baths - but that would never be public knowledge).
Louise was not the kind of person who let failure get to her. How did that saying go? If life gives you lemons, then you make lemonade! Well, if all she was going to get was a measly chicken recipe, then she was going to milk it for all it was worth!
Unknown to her, all the financial merchants on the continent shuddered at the moment she made her resolve.
When Colonel Sanders heard that the princess would be visiting the Academy soon, he sensed an opportunity. He quickly rounded up all able staff and ushered them into a private shed he had constructed. After swearing them to secrecy he set them to work. When the princess arrived there were plenty of servants selling crispy chicken nuggets throughout the Academy. They were absurdly cheap and everyone enjoyed it.
For her part, Louise was shocked at the profits that were brought in the evening. The genius in her smirked in an evil smile. Her eyes narrowed and she began to laugh an EVIL laugh. When Tabitha heard it, she ran away in fear and made her familiar a dragon named Sylphid promise to not get infected by it.
One of the nearby nobles, a chap named Count Mott heard of the profits the young Vallière girl was making and felt it his duty to relieve her of the stress of financial management. That was the day Colonel Sanders showed how protective he was of his Lady.
The girls of the Academy never knew that the human body could be bent in so many ways - and they hoped that they would never need to experience it. The males of the Academy were mortified when they found out how many times Count Mott's family jewels were pierced and bent that they swore to never upset either Colonel Sanders or more especially his Lady Louise ever again.
Eventually a name was needed for the venture. Colonel Sanders suggested "Chicken de La Vallière" , but Louise immediately rejected it saying that she didn't want it to be suggested that she was related to the birds. Eventually they settled for "Halkeginia Fried Chicken" or HFC for short.
As the months went by they opened franchises throughout Tristain. The number of employees they had grew too and the profits were plentiful. Louise knew the importance of keeping servants happy paid all their employees well. Considering the times, it was an honor for a low family to have someone working at HFC. It meant a steady source of income - an idea that was unheard of before. Especially when you realize that most nobles don't even pay their servants.
With the added financial stability the employees turned their attention to other things - like clothes and shoes. Over a few months those industries grew as well (with major investments coming from the La Vallière family).
By the end of the year, Louise had enough money to simply buy out the entire country of Germania. However, being the kind person she was (and persuaded over a sponge bath by her familiar), she instead struck a deal with her nemesis Kirche to open up franchises in that country.
And that was the beginning of the La Vallière conquest of Halkeginia. Admittedly, they never sought or desired any political power, but they had strong and loyal employees throughout the lands. Eventually they moved on to more philanthropic endeavors.
Towards the final days of his life, Colonel Sanders could proudly look back and thank his goddess that yes, he was able to change the world (and bring a lot of money to his Lady's purse).
It was life well fulfilled (especially the sponge baths).
THE END