The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any X-Men Evolution characters and certain holiday songs has been melted down into candy canes. Just some fun holiday madness that came into my head. Happy Holidays people!
The Brotherhood Christmas Bash
"You are so wrong it sickens me!" Pietro snapped.
"Well that's just the thing you want to hear on Christmas Day!" Wanda groaned.
"I can't help it if certain people won't face the facts!" Fred snapped.
"You're gonna face a snootful of hot coals if you don't shut your mouths!"
"Come on guys don't fight!" Todd pouted. "It's Christmas! What would Santa say?"
"He'd say that Freddy's a big fat liar!" Pietro snapped.
"Compared to what most of us call you that's pretty tame!" Fred snapped.
"LANCE DO SOMETHING BEFORE I LOSE MY MIND AND KILL THEM ALL!" Wanda shouted.
"Okay I am sick of this argument!" Lance shouted as he walked in from the kitchen. "Now last year I listened to this stupid argument for seven hours straight! I refuse to do that this year! Now hear this! This is my final word on the subject! Rudolph's friend Hermie was not, repeat not gay! He had that cute little girl elf hanging all over him and he wasn't exactly complaining! So for once and for all, Hermie the Elf was not gay! Got it?"
"Thank you Lance," Wanda sighed.
"If anybody was gay it was that Charley in the Box," Lance said.
"Yeah well that makes sense," Pyro nodded.
"I could see it," Todd nodded.
"I'm living with lunatics," Wanda groaned. "It feels…familiar somehow. Must be my brain's reaction to stupidity."
"What was wrong with the doll?" Fred asked casually.
"What doll?" Pietro asked.
"The doll in Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. You know from the Island of Misfit toys?" Fred explained. "I was wondering what was wrong with her? She wasn't ugly or anything. She was cute. So why didn't anyone want her?"
"I think she was a Patty PMS," Lance scoffed. "And the network censored her big scene or something."
"I do not believe this…" Wanda groaned.
"Welcome to another Brotherhood tradition Sis," Pietro grinned. "The pointless arguments over television specials and Christmas carols."
A look crossed over Wanda's face. "Pietro, aren't we Jewish?"
"Yeah and every year I'm grateful for that," He pointed to the television where Santa was hawking big screen televisions at low, low prices. 'Rudolph' was a scantily clad girl tap dancing to cash registers ringing.
"Then why is it we've never had a Hanukah celebration?" Wanda blinked. "Or now that I think about it…I don't remember ever having a Christmas celebration either. Or any other kind of holiday thing. In fact for some reason…It's all a blank…"
"Well…" Pietro thought up a lie and he thought it up quick. "Father never was the religious type. You know. Always working."
"Oh that explains it," Wanda nodded. "Hey what's that on the TV? Turn it up."
"I love this!" Pietro cackled. On screen were pictures of Kelly being drunk and other embarrassing scenes. A semi-familiar jingle played.
Kelly the Red Nosed Mayor
Had a very shiny car
And if you ever saw it
You were probably near a bar
All of the other Mayors used to laugh and call him names
They always thought poor Kelly
Was too drunk to play any bedroom games
Then one foggy Christmas Eve Santa came to say
"Kelly with your nose so red, won't you guide my shiny sled?"
That's how the police found him
Wrapped around a maple tree
Kelly the Red Nosed Mayor
He's a drunken SOB!
He's a drunken SOB!
"Do you really want this man to be your mayor?" The announcer said. "Paid for by the People Who Really Hate Kelly."
"How did you convince Father to put this on the air?" Wanda asked.
"It wasn't that hard," Pietro said. "Besides it was right after the Apocalypse thing and he was still a little woozy. All he did was write a blank check and he passed out."
"You are unbelievable," Lance said. "All that money and you didn't give us any?"
"Hey it was for a good cause," Pietro huffed. "Besides where do you think you got your Christmas gifts this year?"
"Didn't you just steal them from Duncan's house like we did last year?" Todd remarked as he admired his new sweater. "Not that I'm complaining. His Mom's got great taste."
"You find a good store, you stick with it," Pietro shrugged. "Oh look at this!"
A very haggard Kelly was on TV facing reporters. "Look I don't know who has been slandering me but those pictures are false! As soon as I'm elected mayor I will get to the bottom of this! And no I am not an alcoholic!"
"What's that on your breath?" One reporter asked.
"I just came back from a Christmas party!" Kelly snapped. "I deserve a drink after the way this election was run!" He made his way through the crowd and ended up falling face flat in the snow.
"I can't believe they still haven't voted a new mayor in yet," Fred scoffed.
"I can," Pietro said. "Especially after you guys voted."
"You all voted?" Wanda looked around. "I thought only Lance was old enough to vote."
"Oh that's right you were out with Father that evening," Pietro said. "Well we kind of did our voting just after the polls were closed if you get my drift."
"You stuffed the ballot boxes didn't you?" Wanda asked. "Well no wonder they're saying it's going to take until January until they figure the ballots out."
"And it certainly explains all those write in votes for Sylvester Stallone," Lance looked at Fred.
"Hey I think he'd make a great mayor," Fred huffed. "I mean it's not exactly that far fetched if you think about it."
"You know who would be a good politician?" Todd thought. "That guy who played Cliff on Cheers. He seems to know a lot."
"Certainly can talk the talk," Fred remarked. "But I think Grandpa Munster would do a better job."
"Oh god no not another stupid discussion by the Meeting of the Mindless," Wanda groaned. The doorbell rang. "Oh goody! Maybe it's a sane person!"
She opened the door and found herself face to face with Mastermind holding a fruit basket. "Happy Holidays," He said cheerlessly. "Ho. Ho. Ho."
"What are you doing here?" Pietro asked.
"Magneto in one of his sadistic whims has decided that I am to baby sit you fools," Mastermind sighed. "Apparently he's trying to find new ways to make my life even more miserable than it actually is. And he's succeeding extremely well."
"Isn't Father coming?" Wanda asked.
"He was…detained," Mastermind said nervously. "Could somebody please take this? Its heavy!"
"I got it!" Fred grabbed it and made off with it.
"Yeah I figured if anyone would get it you would," Pietro quipped. "Come on in. So Magneto's not coming? Big shock!"
"He'll be here," Mastermind glared at him. "He'll just be late that's all. Now may I use the bathroom please? I want to try and wash away the stench of failure."
"Upstairs to the right," Lance motioned. Mastermind walked away. "You don't look happy." He said to Wanda. "Something wrong?"
"I dunno," Wanda shuddered. "There's just something about that guy that creeps me out for some reason."
"Yeah…" Lance whistled nervously. "I hear ya."
"It's game time!" Pietro shouted. "What do you guys want to play?"
"As long as it's not Clue or Candy Land I don't care," Lance sighed.
"How about we play, 'Let's Not Annoy Wanda'?" Wanda asked. "Its surprisingly easy if you think about it."
"Aw come on Sis," Pietro said. "Let's have some fun."
"Be careful," Wanda told him. "I might take you up on that offer."
"Don't you urchins ever clean your bathroom?" Mastermind grumbled as he walked downstairs. "There was some God awful gunk in the bathtub…"
"Hey! I did take a shower yesterday you know!" Todd remarked.
"Okay…" Mastermind blinked. "That also explains the smell."
"Uh actually that's my fault," Fred admitted sheepishly. "You see I had a few dozen breakfast burritos this morning as well as some chili fries, a corn dog, a pepperoni stick…"
"I get the picture!" Mastermind groaned putting his head in his hands. "Does anyone have a drink of something?"
"Sure! How about some punch?" Pietro grinned as he handed him a glass.
"I'd love to punch…" Mastermind then muttered something unintelligible before he took a sip. "Well, I told Magneto that I would watch you and make sure that you don't get out of hand. Or at the very least allow Pyro to burn down the house!"
"Once I did that," Pyro tapped his foot. "I set one tiny little base on fire and nobody lets me forget it!"
"I wish I could forget you," Mastermind took another sip. "But someone around here has to keep control of things and make sure nothing gets out of hand."
Twenty minutes later…
"Nobody understood me like my mama…." Mastermind sobbed. He clung to Fred for support. "You know what I'm talking about right?"
"Uh okay…" Fred rolled his eyes.
"I can't help the way I look," Mastermind moaned. "Well actually I can…"
"I know your pain," Fred patted him on the back.
"WHY CAN'T I FIND A GIRL WHO WILL LOVE ME LIKE MY MAMA DID? I WANT MY MAMA!" Mastermind sobbed.
"Man either we're getting better or the guys Magneto's recruiting are a lot more pathetic," Lance shook his head. "It never took us this fast to reduce an adult to tears before."
"I think the vodka helped," Todd said.
"What vodka?" Wanda asked.
"The vodka Pietro snuck in his punch," Todd remarked.
"MAMA! MAMA!" Mastermind sobbed.
"He didn't drink any this time did he?" Lance asked.
"No I didn't," Pietro scooted up to him. "I learned my lesson last year, believe me! Besides, it's more fun getting other people drunk!"
"Oh Mama! Mama!" Now Mastermind was hugging the Christmas tree. "I missed you Mama!" He was now kissing it happily.
"Okay let me take a wild guess," Lance watched the situation. "When Mastermind gets drunk he makes himself see things. Am I right?"
"I believe the evidence suggests so," Pietro snickered.
"Mama! I love you so much Mama!" Mastermind hugged the tree. "Mama what a lovely sweater you're wearing. But boy do you need your lip waxed!"
"Insane arguments, stolen presents and a drunken mutant with his powers running amok," Wanda groaned. "Yeah I'd say this is a typical Brotherhood Holiday!"
"Only one thing we can do," Pyro shrugged. "Got the video recorder on?"
"Oh yeah," Todd remarked as he held it. "I already got some great footage of him dancing with a can of Spam."
"Hey I got a great idea…" Fred grinned.
"Wow what a Christmas Miracle," Pietro quipped.
"I'm serious," Fred told him. "I know how we can get some great blackmail material out of this!"
"I'm afraid to ask where this is going," Wanda rolled her eyes.
"I don't think you'll need to," Lance grinned. "But it beats watching 'A Christmas Story' seventy five times in a row."
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Sometime later that evening, Magneto dressed in his civilian business suit made his way up the steps with to the Brotherhood House. "All right," He sighed. "Remember Magnus you made a promise to try and reconnect with your children. Even if it means spending time with their lunatic friends. This won't be so bad. We'll talk. Share gifts. Spend some quality time together. Even sing some holiday songs just to get into the spirit of the season."
"I'm just a gigolo and everywhere I go, people know the part I'm playing…"
He heard a strange voice singing."What the…?" Magneto walked in the house and saw Mastermind dancing around. "MASTERMIND!"
"HELLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO CLEVELAND!" Mastermind called out drunkenly.
"What is the matter with you?" Magneto snapped. "I sent you here to keep things under control!"
"Well that was obviously a stupid move," Mastermind hiccuped.
"Father it's good to see you!" Wanda hugged Magneto. "Where were you?"
"Oh just…Taking care of some business," Magneto chose his words carefully.
"Stealing stuff for your new base huh?" Mastermind giggled. "Don't need to read your mind to know that!"
"Be quiet!" Magneto hissed. He was about to use the nearest metal object to knock him unconscious when Wanda grabbed his arm.
"Ignore him Father," Wanda said. "Besides Pietro's the one who got him drunk in the first place!"
"Thanks a lot tattletale!" Pietro snapped.
"Oh look who's talking," Lance rolled his eyes. "Refresh my memory Pietro who was the one who kept calling Magneto on a cell phone behind our backs reporting every little thing we did?"
"I did not tell him every little thing," Pietro said.
"You told him enough," Lance got in his face. "Except ironically about all the stuff you did! Like the Laundromat incident."
"Laundromat incident?" Magneto asked.
"Ignore him Father he's drunk and irrational," Pietro said quickly.
"Oh yeah and you were really thinking clearly when you decided to put five gallons of detergent in every machine in the place," Lance quipped. "And then you decided to take a bubble bath."
"Shut up!" Pietro snapped.
"I believe that's what the manager said when you decided to sing 'Tiny Bubbles' in your underwear," Lance countered.
"ENOUGH!" Magneto shouted. Then he collected himself. "Look we've all had a rather rough year. I am willing to put the past behind me and start over."
"That's how we ended up working for him," Pyro elbowed Mastermind. "Right Masty?"
"Shaddapa you face…" Mastermind slurred. "I wanna sing a song to my mama," He put his arm around the Christmas tree.
"Cool we wanna sing too!" Fred chirped. Todd excitedly nodded his head.
"Hey Magneto is the new base gonna have a lot of flammable stuff in it?" Pyro asked. "That would be really cool!"
"Why did I come here?" Magneto groaned. "Pietro why did you insist on me coming to spend time with these misfits and lunatics?"
"You're the one that got us all together in the first place," Pietro pointed out.
"Oh yes so I did," Magneto groaned. "No wait that was Mystique."
"Shifting the blame to her won't help," Pietro said. Magneto glared at him. "Oh wait you're right, it does."
"We three kings of Orient are, tried to smoke a rubber cigar! It was loaded and exploded and we traveled so far!" Mastermind sang with Todd and Fred.
"I'll bet Xavier's students aren't like this," Magneto groaned. "I wonder what it would be like to have competent recruits for a change?"
"Well that's a warm holiday sentiment," Lance grunted.
"I got it," Pietro said. "How about you put me in charge again and…"
"Not in a million years Pietro!" Wanda snapped.
"Now calm down Cuddlebumps," Todd hopped over to her, leaving Mastermind and Fred to finish singing. "It's Christmas!"
"DON'T CALL ME CUDDLEBUMPS!" Wanda started to power up. "AND YOU PIETRO…WHERE ARE YOU TRYING TO SNEAK OFF TO YOU LITTLE WORM?"
"Cuddlebumps?" Magneto glared at Todd. "Did I actually hear…that word from your mouth?"
"Uh…" Todd was searching for a way out. "Pietro stole your makeup again Wanda!"
"WHAT?" She screamed.
"I just borrowed some foundation!" Pietro snapped. "Uh oh…"
"I did not hear that…" Magneto winced. "I did not hear that!"
"You know what I told you I'd do if I caught you stealing my stuff again Pietro?" Wanda growled as several items started to float around the room.
"Okay I think I'll go take a run around the block now," Pietro gulped. He tried to run but Wanda zapped him. Then she tackled him. "OW! WANDA! OW! FATHER SHE'S BEATING ME UP AGAIN! OW! SAVE ME!"
"Well then you shouldn't have been borrowing her makeup again without her permission," Lance grinned. "Especially when you have your own."
"He has…?" Magneto gasped. "Okay I am not helping you out of this one Pietro!"
"FATHER!" Pietro tried to get away. "PLEASE NO! HELP! SHE'S GONNA KILL ME!"
"You say that like it's a bad thing," Lance quipped.
"This is gonna be so short a fight," Todd shook his head. "Not even worth betting on."
"I can fix that. Hey Mastermind, see that bloke there? I think he's hitting on your mum," Pyro pointed to the lamp near the tree.
"STAY AWAY FROM MY MAMA YOU CAD!" Mastermind screamed at the lamp.
"All right!" Fred shouted. "Now which fight is going to be better than the other one?"
"YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR MY MAMA! YOU HEAR ME?" Mastermind screamed at the offending light fixture.
"YOU ARE SUCH A JERK PIETRO!" Wanda shouted.
"NOT THE FACE! NOT THE FACE!" Pietro shrieked. "OKAY THAT'S IT!"
"YOU BIT ME! YOU ACTUALLY BIT ME!" Wanda screamed.
"DIE! DIE! DIE!" Mastermind screamed as he tackled the lamp.
"Yeah! Get 'em!" Pyro whooped. "That'll teach him to mess with your mum!"
"I got five says the lamp beats Mastermind!" Todd shouted.
"You're on!" Lance challenged.
"That's it! I am out of here! I knew I should have done what Mystique did and take off to the Bahamas for the holidays!" Magneto groaned as he stormed out the door.
Merry Christmas to all and to all have a good fight…Uh, night!
Red Witch