The Monster Within
Unforgiven in this life but hopefully in the next that's what I'm thinking after what I have done. My hands are full of blood but the task done.
I had been a part of so much destruction in my life but this was the worse I had ever witnessed.
The waste of human life was nothing to these men. They had killed without remorse.
No not men animals because to call them men then they would have to be categorized as human.
Humans would not slaughter men, women and children with out guilt because they did not follow their false god.
The animals begged for forgiveness and pleaded with their god for salvation as I plunged my knife into them without remorse to avenge those that would not fight them since they had faith we would save them.
I took it upon myself to right the wrong and finish what these animals had started. To prey on those weaker then you and those that did not follow your beliefs was a tired story in my life. It showed that everyone was the same everywhere.
I looked up to find my team.
The look on their faces spoke volumes.
Did they want to condemn me for the acts of the monster that had been sleeping inside of me, or were they hiding their feelings? I do not remember much but I know that I had led the attack and they had been by my side.
Teal'c came to me and patted me on the back. He understood what I had done. He had been there with me extracting the revenge these poor souls deserved. An eye for an eye he had said when the last animal had been killed.
He did not want the death of the villagers to have been in vain. But he knew it had to be done. He knew it had to be done to send out a message to the other tribes.
Daniel looked at the waste of life. He had collapsed at the village when he saw the young child that had followed him around while we were visiting the elders. He had taken the young boy aside and let him hold his books and had given him a pencil for his work. The pencil was now in Daniel's hand. He had cried by the boy's side. He had railed against those that had done this to his friend. He vowed revenge on those that would harm this poor child.
He had said he wanted to be there to take revenge for these peaceful people. That he was sick of others preying on those they knew could not fight back or would not fight back.
I knew he would not be deterred but would feel remorse after. That's what made him Daniel. He looked lost. The eager young man I had first met was now gone replaced by the batter torn soul that had taken his place. He started to walk away. I wondered if he would be able to forgive himself for his part in this slaughter.
I told him to stay behind with the few survivors but he was adamant he wanted to come along.
I looked at Teal'c and he understood. He walked after Daniel to ensure he let out all his hurt and to not hold any of it in. This would kill him if he let it and that was unacceptable. Daniel would not be a casualty to these animals.
Carter was talking to the other SG teams that had been sent to help. She turned to me and I stopped.
She looked detached she had a smudge across her cheek and a bruise. When did she get hurt?
I went over to see if she was okay but she turned quickly and started to walk away from me. I tried to catch up with her but was stopped by Major Calloway. When I looked up she was gone.
I needed to see if she was okay. She had been shocked by the death and destruction the animals had left behind. She could not believe that they would attack the innocent for not following their beliefs.
I had to remember she had been sheltered to what the real world was like. She always looked for the good in people. But after today she would lose a piece of herself. This pained me. She would be more weary of who she would befriend knowing that life was not black and white like she had thought.
She would not be the eager bright eyed soldier that walked into that briefing room. This program had taken so much and she had been given little in return.
It hurt to know she had seen me switch from the aloof Colonel I portrayed to the cold hearted killer I was.
I did not want this to happen to her. She would not survive this rage that could consume you and not let you go.
This rage that I had hidden for so long had driven me to do things that had hurt too many people. I had been lost all those years ago. Finding sanctuary with my then family only to have it yanked from me with one bullet.
I had let the monster take over those years. But now things were different I found myself and started to make peace. Looking at the blood on my hands the monster inside was threatening to pull me back. Taunting me that I would never be the person I had pretended to be these last years. It knew I who I was and what I was capable of.
The monster that would take over my mind and make me the cold blooded soldier I was trained to be. This was the way it had started when I had come upon the village and had seen the bodies on the ground.
I had retreated and my alter ego took over and handled the situation. I could not bear to do it again I had killed before but was able to handle the demons. This time there was no way I would survive and had detached myself for my sanity and the sanity of my team.
They needed me and I would show them that it had to be done or more would suffer.
I had frightened her with my coldness and detachment in dispensing orders to kill these animals.
She had seen me unleash my anger. I had ordered their demise with out missing a beat. They would prey on the other villages till they ruled this land. We had to stop them and send a message that this planet was protected and if they dared to challenge us we would bring down the fury on those that would prey on the innocent.
It sickened me to think she had seen the dark side of me. The side I tried to hold at bay. The side that wanted to take over at times when I was to weak to hold it together.
I had to make sure she was all right. That we were all right I had to tell her that it was going to be okay.
I looked everywhere for her and came up empty. I was starting to worry when I heard sniffling behind a rock.
I looked to see two booted feet and knew I had found Carter. I was weary of interrupting her but I put those thoughts aside. She did not need to be alone right now she needed to have someone there to tell her she did the right thing.
Her P90 was far away from her it looked like she had flung it away from her. Her knees were drawn up and she had her face hidden.
I came to her side and placed my gun close by. I wasn't sure it was safe so I wanted to be prepared if anybody decided to pop up unannounced.
She stiffened and tried to stop the tears. She looked up at me and turned away but I did not let her. I pulled her to me and she struggled murmuring she did not want my comfort.
I had repulsed her. I had lost her respect for ordering the deaths of those animals.
She started to fight me saying she didn't need my strength that she could handle this without me. I continued to hug her tighter till she broke in my arms.
Tears fell down my neck her body was shaking uncontrollably. She kept whispering she was sorry.
Sorry for falling apart. Sorry for killing those men. Sorry for not feeling any remorse for following through with her orders. Sorry for running from me after the dust had settled.
"I thought you would hate me for what I did. That I could commit those acts and not react to it afterwards. I was so ashamed of myself I thought I had disappointed you. But then I saw the gleam in your eye and it sent a shiver down my spine. It wasn't you I was looking at it was someone else. I needed to get away I thought since I had not protested the order and had showed you I understood that I had lost you."
My worse nightmare had been realized she had seen the dark person that had lurked in the shadows. She had seen beyond my mask. She had seen the monster that would kill her with out remorse if it was ordered of him.
I let her go. I needed to get away. I needed to distance myself from her. She had seen the monster that had lived inside of me. The monster that actions would haunt me at night and would steal my sleep. The constant companion I'd had for these past years.
It laughed inside of me taunting me saying she would hate me for who I truly was. She would cringe knowing I was capable of such horror without remorse. It said she would leave me like everyone else and he would be the only one that could bear knowing who I truly was.
It suggested we kill her so that others would not know the deep secret that was hidden inside me. I screamed no inside of my head.
I scramble to my feet and started to run away. The one person I wanted never to see the dark side of me had been witnessed first hand to the monster I was and would always be.
She keep calling out to me to stop I ignored her. I could not face her not now.
She knew.
I heard a scream and turn to see one of the animals we had thought dead had surprised her and taken her down beating her and choking the life from her.
The monster inside me roared.
I let go. Detached myself from the rage that was brewing inside of me.
I had to let go to save my sanity.
The monsters fury knew no bounds.
I ran towards them determine to kill the animal for touching what was mine.
The animal saw me approaching and pulled Carter towards him and held a knife to her throat.
He was a dead man and he knew it.
The monster circled him waiting for him to make a mistake if Carter got in the way she would just be a casualty of war. I pleaded with the monster to save her but he would not respond.
Carter struggled and the animal nicked her cheek with the knife.
Bastard would pay for that the monster assured me.
Carter stopped struggling when the animal started to walk backwards away from me. She tried one last time to escape and was rewarded with a slice to her stomach.
Her eyes reflected the pain that had been inflicted on her. Her shirt was torn and the blood started to flow.
The monster spoke low and methodically tell the animal how he would suffer at the monsters hand that the woman had no consequence that he could kill her for all he cared He would still take pleasure in killing him with his bare hands. That there was no escape for him. That he would be dead before the sunset he had the monsters guarantee on that.
The man knew he had no escape.
The monster circled his prey. He loved this part know the animal had no where to hid and was out of options. But still he held Carter knowing that this was the only thing that was keeping him alive for the moment.
Carter started to sag in his arms and the animal shook her awake. She looked at me and whispered sorry and moved no more.
The monster snapped.
He launched himself at him taking Carter down with them. What did he care she was dead anyway.
The animal begged for mercy but the monster started to beat him with his bare hands. The knife he had used on Carter was now being used on him. No nicks or slices just deep thrust to ensure he was dead.
I was lost my last shred of decency had been taken I had lost the only thing that had shown promise for normal life. A life with love a life with purpose.
The monster knew it had won that he would be the lone resident of my mind when a hand touched my shoulder.
I turned with the knife still in my hands waiting to attack when I saw her eyes. She was pleading with me to stop. I dropped the knife and touched her face thinking it was an illusion conjured up by the monster that loved to see me suffer.
"Sir please stop he's dead. I'm here please comeback to me Jack I need you. Who ever you are please bring him back to me."
I whimpered and she held me asking me to please talk to her that she needed to know that I had not been lost. That I was still inside this body that the monster had not won.
I turned and pulled her lips to mine she responded asking if it was me. I pulled away and cupped her face and said yes.
She clung to me and started to thank god for bring me back to her. The monster had left. I felt him go. I no longer needed him and he understood. I had won this battle.
He said he would wait that he knew I would call him again that a killer like me would always relapse for one reason or another that the line I walked was very thin between good and evil. Deep down I new he was right and he would return one day to take me back to the darkness that was inside my soul that would never let me go.
Unforgiven in this life but maybe in the next.