Title: Empty
Author: Princess Angel Laskey
Rating: R-ish, I suppose.
Summary: Cordelia thinks about Xander.
Dedication: To everyone who knows and understands. And esp for Queena, who read it for me.
Author's Note: I think this fic is a little over melodramatic. And really depressing. But I tried to make it as real as possible.
She sat and stared blankly. She had no thoughts, no feelings, nothing. Nothing but blankness. And emptyness.
She was hollow inside. Completly empty. She had no desire to do anything. She wanted to call him, but she couldn't. Cordelia Chase had far too much pride to go chasing after a guy who had made it blatantly clear he didn't want her.
She wanted to cry, but she couldn't. Cordelia Chase was not a crier. If she cried, *he* might see that he had hurt her. And she was not about to give him that satisfaction. Worse, other people might see that she was hurting. Cordelia Chase was not the type to let others see she was hurting. Then they would pretend to care, and because she knew they really didn't, she would cry harder.
The more she sat and stared and refused to think or feel, the more tears pricked at her eyelids. She would not let them fall. She willed herself to focus on anything other than the pain.
There was just one problem: There was nothing but the pain. Except for the emptyness. In a way, the emptyness was worse than the pain. Because Cordelia was completly numb inside. And there was nothing she could do about it.
To make everything worse, she was still forced to see him all the time. And she didn't understand. She *knew* he loved her, she knew. Everyone knew it. So why was he denying his feelings? Was it just to cause her pain? Did he really want to see her hurting? Cordelia shook her head, refusing to believe it. He loved her. And he would never do anything to hurt her.
And that's the one thing she couldn't understand. How he could love her so much and not want to be with her. How he could treat her like a princess for so long, and then leave her for no reason. Leaving her empty. And hurting. And alone.
She wondered where he was. What he was doing, who he was doing it with. She shook her head at that. The thought of him with anyone else was too painful.
Cordelia willed herself to think of anything that wasn't Xander. There was nothing. He was so big a part of her life for so long, and then he was gone. No warning, nothing. Just a "I don't think we should be together anymore. Sorry. I still think you're a great person."
She *was* a great person. Cordelia Chase had a million things going for her. She was pretty, she was smart, and she had lots of friends. So why couldn't she think about anything besides the one guy she had tried so hard to keep out of her heart for so long? She hadn't wanted to love him. She hadn't wanted to let him near her. But she'd let her defenses down for a short time, and now she was paying for it. That was a mistake she wasn't about to make again.
Finally, she allowed herself to think. She thought about Xander. She thought about kissing him, and touching him, and lying naked beside him in bed. She thought about how good it felt when they were together, and how he had treated her with more love and care than anyone else she'd ever known. She thought about how he had helped her feel good about herself, something none of her other boyfriends had ever bothered to do.
She thought about how he would just lie in bed and hold her. She thought about how she used to spend the night in his bed, not having sex, just sleeping. She thought about how he knew and respected the fact that, even though she was not a virgin, she wasn't ready to have sex with him.
She thought about how he was the first guy to not pressure her.
She thought about how she felt whenever he was around. She thought about their friendship, and how it could never be the same. She thought of the way he looked at her, the way he kissed her, the way he held her.
Cordelia didn't want to think anymore. She wanted to feel. She wanted to feel loved.
She could feel him. His hands on her breasts, his lips kissing between her thighs. She could hear him whispering her name. She could hear the love in those three syllables. "Cordelia." She could hear the love behind that one word, a love that he didn't need to express aloud.
She heard him the very first time he'd told her he loved her. She remembered the look in his eyes, and the way he'd touched her face. She heard herself responding and actually meaning it. She'd never meant it when she'd said it to other guys. She may have thought she meant it at the time, but she knew now that before Xander, she hadn't really known what love was.
She was afraid she'd never feel special to anyone ever again.
Cordelia was hurting. She was afraid. She was alone.
And she was empty.
FIN