Zero was a man of many talents. He could live a double life, he could manage an army, and he looked damn good all the time (even when he had just gotten out of bed). But right now he was utilizing none of his many talents (except looking good, of course). He was reading the vast amount of fan mail that was accumulating on his desk and he was starting to think the whole thing was a big waste of his time.
Zero was constantly getting fan mail from the adoring Japanese public, and every now and then he took it upon himself to go through it.
"Maybe I should get Ohgi to do this?" he thought. "He never pulls his weight around here." And faster than lighting the decision was made. Ohgi would from now on be chief administrator of fan mail. Needless to say, Ohgi was not pleased when he found out about his new position.
"I don't understand. Why am I being demoted?" Ohgi sounded sad, and Zero thought he could see tears forming in the corners of his eyes. This made Zero smile behind his mask.
"Your lack of understanding is why you'll never be leader," Zero said. After saying this, Zero thought maybe that last comment was a little mean, but after a quick internal debate it was unanimously agreed that it was not mean enough.
"But I was the leader long before you showed up!" The tears were flowing freely down Ohgi's face now.
"And look how far you are now, opening mail for a man you've never made eye contact with," Zero said, very coldly and without remorse. The comment struck Ohgi right in his soft warm spot and he quietly slinked away into the darkness that is fan mail. This was turning into a pretty good day for Zero: he got someone else to do his work for him and, in the process, managed to make a fully grown man cry. Zero then decided that "making grown men cry" should also be on his long list of talents, right next to "chess whiz" and "fantastic lover" (this one has yet to be practically tested, but Zero understood the theory).
Yes, things were looking up for Zero on this fine day. He took care of a few internal Black Knight problems, he secretly planted agents with his Geass into positions that were useless now but would be really convenient in the future... maybe. He had just finished discussing the new battle plans with Todou and the whole thing left a really bad taste in Zero's mouth. Todou had wanted to build a giant 1:1 scale automated model of Godzilla that burned 100 propane tanks every time it shot the atomic blast from its mouth. Todou said, "It would strike fear in the heart of Britannia while simultaneously rekindling the Japanese spirit!" Zero called him an "Idiot", and Nagisa Chiba, while blushing, called him a "Genius" or something like that. Zero started to rethink his entire command structure. Forget piloting a Knighmare frame and commanding troops, Zero was surprised this man could pee standing up (he only new Todou could do this feat because one time in the bathroom their swords accidentally crossed and they both promised to never speak of it again).
While Zero's day had started off alright, the night was starting to look rather unfavorable. He was about to head home for the night when he ran into Tamaki's "Stupid Face".
"Ahoy there matey!" Tamaki said it with a stupid grin that was almost as stupid as his stupid face. Zero started to wonder why his security was so lax that this man could frequently talk to him face-to-face without scheduling an appointment, an appointment Zero would always "unfortunately" be unavailable for.
"Tamaki, I know you never went to college, but in order to join the Black Knights you had to have a high school diploma, and I very much doubt you're competent to forge those kinds of papers. So I'm forced to ask you, why are you talking like that?"
Tamaki managed to pull an even stupider smile onto his face "Yar, I be preparin' for tomorrow."
Zero is a smart person, and smart people aren't easily confused, especially by people like Tamaki, but Tamaki had pulled it off. Zero had asked him a question and Tamaki responded, but the words that left his mouth didn't manage to answer his question, and in fact created more. "What's so special about tomorrow?" Zero asked.
"It be National Speak Like a Pirate Day tomorrow, a truly grand occasion recognized nationally!"
"First, it's a Britannian holiday and you're Japanese. Second, it's stupid."
"Yar, I may be Japanese, but N.S.L.A.P. day is for everyone!"
Zero let out a sigh of depression. "From now on if you want to speak to me in person you'll have to contact Ohgi at least 10 hours in advance." Zero then left, for he had to go tell Ohgi about his even newer position as Zero's personal secretary.
When Zero entered the room Ohgi was huddling over some sort of fancy garbage can.
"Oghi I'm sure you'll be glad to know that you're being promoted to..." He trailed of when he got a better look at what Oghi has looking at. It definitively wasn't a garbage can, at least not a good one.
"Zero I'm glad you're here. This just came for you in a package. It seems important."
The seemingly important object was a white tube with blue buttons and lenses all over it, and it had 2 stationary legs as well as a third leg piece at the bottom of the tube. The leg pieces probably had wheels on the bottom so it could move around; it also had a domed top. It was definitely a robot of some kind, this much Zero could tell. Also it was beaming out some sort of holographic message that had already restarted twice since Zero arrived. The person in the message was a woman wearing an all white outfit that flowed all the way to the ground, and her hair was pulled into two Cinnabon-like shapes at the side of her head. Her message went as follows: "Help me Zero, you're my only hope." Then she would crouch down slightly, presumably to turn off whatever it was that recorded her.
"She's beautiful," Ohgi said, in what could only be described as impressive obsession.
Zero watched the message a few more times, and then looked at the machine that was creating it, and then at Ohgi, and then back at the message, and then at Ohgi before saying, "Rip out the machine's copper circuitry to sell, then throw the rest away."
Ohgi was shocked. "But that girl needs our help...your help! I thought that's what the Black Knights do, help those who need it."
"Wrong!" Zero shouted in his powerful yet slightly effeminate voice."The woman in the message was not in trouble, it was most likely a clever trick by Cornelia to lure us into a trap!"
"I don't understand," Ohgi cleverly said.
"Of course you don't, that's why at the age of thirty-something you're a secretary for the leader of a group of governmental extremists."
Now Ohgi looked twice as confused. "When did I become your secretary?" he asked
"About 10 minutes ago, I got the idea from Tamaki."
"Tamaki? But Tamaki's an idiot."
"If you really want to keep your position as chief administrator of fan mail, that's fine with me."
Zero could tell what Ohgi was thinking by the look on his face--it was another one of his talents: "telling what people are thinking just from the look on their faces". That one was right between "blowing off women" and "pretending to get along with stupid people". Right now Ohgi was thinking about the various consequences and all the shame that comes from each position.
"Alright," Ohgi said, "I'll be your stupid secretary, but I'm not throwing out the robot. It seems to have sentience. Maybe even a soul!"
"Let me put it to you this way," Zero said in his too-cool-for-school-voice, "If you don't throw away the robot, I'll tell all the guys about the copy of Twilight that you have stashed away under y our bed."
"You wouldn't dare!" Ohgi hissed, in a way that was supposed to be threatening but coming from him just sounded cute.
"I killed a prince of the largest nation in the world, and you think I'm afraid of a secretary?"
Zero didn't bother waiting for a response. He was much to cool for that. It was time for him to go home, and on his way out he thought about what Ohgi said, about the robot having a soul.
"Ridiculous," he said to no one but himself. "The last robot with a soul was executed 10 years ago for writing a heartfelt poem that didn't have a catchy rhyme scheme." With that, Zero went to bed.
The next day it was morning, and the sun was shining brightly into Lelouche's room at Ashford Private Academy for the Sexually Frustrated (they left that last part off the sign, but Lelouche knew the truth). The sun rays were slowly creeping along the floor of the room and onto Lelouche's bed, until they were punching him right in his perfectly chiseled face. Like the snap of a whip hitting the rear end of a bull, Lelouche's perfectly chiseled eyes opened. Although light travels much faster than sound, the first thing that registered with Lelouche was a sort of faint singing. Not really singing, more of a whistle. "Who could that be?" Lelouche thought. "Sayoko only whistles when I tell her to, Nunnally only whistles at our dog Fluffers and he's been dead for nearly three years, and C.C. is under the impression that whistling is some sort of pagan ritual." He looked around the room for a source. It sounded very close.
His search eventually led him to his window, which he had opened the previous night to let some fresh city air in. Upon his window ledge was a bird. Lelouche was no ornithologist but it looked like a Cyanocitta cristata, commonly known as the blue jay. The creature's whistling was starting to bother Lelouche more and more, and it also seemed like the bird was somehow mocking him. Lelouche looked the bird square in the face and said to it, "Die," while simultaneously activating his geass. The bird suddenly stopped its annoying mating call and flew off, presumably into a wall or wood chipper.
Now that all tasks at hand had been cleared, it was time to get up for school. After putting both feet in his pants at the same time, Lelouche was ready for to go. When he opened the door Lelouche was greeted by two unpleasantly familiar golden eyes and a long green veil of slightly more pleasant hair.
"Off to school, or are you continuing the arduous takeover of your home country?"
Slightly annoyed by C.C.'s use of the word arduous, Lelouche responded with, "I'm wearing my school uniform. What do you think?" He then added, "And world domination takes time. I would think you of all people would understand the concept of time." Thinking he had won the argument, Lelouche pushed past C.C.'s well aged body and started down the hall.
"But you wear that outfit every day," C.C. said. Lelouche turned around suddenly while his body remained in motion until it hit a wall. Not very hard, but hard enough to be embarrassed about. C.C.'s words would have had less of an effect on Lelouche, but the way in which she said them made him uncomfortable in all the wrong places. She was cold and confident, like she knew his response in advance and had planned the perfect counter attack. It really burned him up, but she was right, and there was no way for him to win now.
Lelouche's unimaginably gorgeous purple eyes locked with C.C.'s cold, soul-piercing golden ones, and Lelouche could tell that she was judging him, silently summing him up, comparing him to the vast amount of men she had met throughout her unnaturally long life. Her eyes boring deep into the very depths of his psyche, picking apart his hopes and fears and finding new ways to use this information to her advantage. Her eyes pressuring him into near mental instability, to the point where he wanted to scream just to prove that he was still amongst the living, but he knew if he did that she would just laugh and call him a sissy.
After a few more moments of extreme silence, Lelouche started to think that maybe she wasn't feeding off him. He thought that maybe she wasn't pressuring him, or going through his psyche, or judging him in silence. Maybe she just fell asleep standing with her eyes open or something, or maybe her body suddenly became completely paralyzed. Whatever the case may have been, Lelouche suddenly stopped getting all the freaky vibes from C.C. and so he continued down the hall. When he got to the corner he took one last look towards C.C. and saw that she was standing in the very same position she was in when he left. Even her creepy evil eyes were in the same spot. It was at this moment that Lelouche realized that even though C.C. talked smart she still only had the education of a slave girl from the 1600s, which made him feel much better.
It was first period, and Lelouche didn't know or care what subject was being taught. He was busy staring at the window. He wasn't looking out of it; he was looking at the reflection that it cast. Most of the reflection was dominated by his glorious image, but in the corners he could see a few girls staring at him like he was a handsome Jesus. It was when he happened to overhear the conversation behind him that things became strange.
"Yarhar, I be in the mood for some fish sticks," the boy said. He didn't look like he could park in a handicapped parking spot, but the way he spoke certainly implied he could.
"Alas, ye always be in the mood for fish sticks. How 'bout some Taco Bell?" another asked. This boy Lelouche recognized: last month he got a scholarship for a paper on practical physics (he would have come in second place but Lelouche had decided not to enter, to give the other students a chance). Lelouche looked around the class to see if anyone else was noticing the madness going on behind him, but to his chagrin he saw that there were many other students talking like this. Actually, a better description would be that all other students were talking like this. Now that he had heard it he couldn't not hear it. Throughout the rest of the class he couldn't pay attention to the teacher or his awe-inspiring reflection, only the whispers of all the "Yar's", "Ahoy's" and "Yohoho's" and it made Lelouche wonder, "Why are they all talking like this?", and also, "Does anyone actually pay attention in this class?"
Before the end-of-period bell even finished ringing, Lelouche ran full force through the door, leaving a perfectly Lelouche-shaped hole in it. Stopping only briefly to check if he was bleeding internally from running through a 60 pound door, Lelouche thought it rather surprising that all this pirate talk would affect him so much and so negatively. "I've been shot at, but this is so much more uncomfortable for me," he thought. Maybe it was because he was a prince, and therefore used to a much higher level of civility from the people around him.
There was something amiss though, somehow he should have been more prepared for this. How could he not have heard of this from someone? Wouldn't there be an announcement about this in school, or wouldn't one of his so called "friends" have told him about it? He knew someone like Milly would be all about this, she would have told him to prepare something stupid for this, and hang up posters all over the school. Lelouche looked at the wall he was leaning on and noticed a poster that said in giant jovial letters: "National Speak Like a Pirate Day next Friday! Tell your friends tell your family, everyone's invited to talk like they're a peg-legged, one-eyed merchant robber of old!"
Lelouche took a step back from the poster and into the rush of people who parted around him like the Red Sea, only made out of teenagers. "No!" he thought, "How could I not have noticed this?" It was at this moment he remembered that stupid conversation he had with Tamaki the night before, and how Tamaki had mentioned something about this.
"So I see, the name of this new enemy is National Speak Like a Pirate day." Lelouche had said this all aloud but class had started so no one was around. "I'm not sure how, but this must be Tamaki's fault." He said this all with his eyes narrowed in a way that would look stupid on a normal person, but only made Lelouche look cooler. He then set out for his next class which he was already late for.
Lelouche got into the class room only 36 minutes late, which wasn't so bad when you consider the fact that Lelouche is so cool that on occasion time bends around him. The teacher started yelling at him as soon as he got in, but Lelouche wasn't listening, which was good for him because the teacher was talking like a pirate. No, instead of listening to his teacher like any non-royal student would, Lelouche was coming up with effective strategies which he could use against this new enemy. so far the only one he could come up with was "just ignore it", but that really wasn't Lelouche's style. "If I just ignored Britannia would they go away?" he thought.
The teacher had been yelling for about five minutes and was starting to catch on to the fact that Lelouche wasn't listening to him. "Is that understood?" The teacher yelled. Lelouche looked into the teacher's eyes, which were brown with rage, and for the life of him couldn't remember his name. "Yes, Mr. Von Tinkerstaphalies?" Lelouche guessed. He must have guessed right because Mr. Von Tinkerstaphalies simply told him to take a seat and not be late again. But by the time Lelouche got to his desk the class was over.
Lelouche wasn't late for his next class, but he still didn't care about whatever it was the teacher was teaching. Instead he was more worried about the way this teacher was undressing him with his eyes. Lelouche made a face that, although unsightly, was still beautiful.
"Are you okay?" asked a voice. It came from that chick with the glasses and pigtails that Lelouche barely recognized as a person.
"Yeah. I just think all this pirate talk is really annoying," Lelouche whispered majestically.
"I know what you mean, they all sound like a bunch of stupid elevens," she said. Although Lelouche found himself agreeing with her slightly, he still couldn't help but notice the large amount of hate that was lodged between her words.
"You know," she continued, "I heard that before Britannia came and educated this place, all the elevens would talk like that."
Lelouche, noticing how racist this girl really was, said "I was here before Britannia took over, no one talked like a pirate... except on Halloween, and that was only by the people dressed like pirates."
This small racist girl seemed to get a tad bit annoyed by what Lelouche had just said. "I think maybe you're remembering wrong," she said. It was said like she had just read it out of a book, and it also seemed like some of her anger was directed slightly more towards Lelouche. Lelouche thought about using his geass on this girl to make her friendlier with the Japanese, but he decided not to because having a racist around school made it a more diverse place of segregation.
The girl seemed like she was going to speak more words at Lelouche, who was going to receive them until he realized that she was beneath him, so instead he turned his attention towards the people speaking like pirates so he could better understand the enemy. After about three minutes of this, Lelouche started to get an overwhelming feeling of nausea and was forced to turn his attention back towards the girl with the glasses, who apparently hadn't noticed his lack of attention and had continued talking as though he had been listening the whole time.
The tone of her voice was threatening, but Lelouche was only able to catch the last part of what she was saying. "And then you'll have to live out the rest of your life in a bubble," she concluded. Lelouche was often threatened, but only once was it ever at school, and that was because he corrected a teacher's grammar, and then told him to think about a new career. Lelouche wasn't sure how much he liked being threatened by a fellow student, and under any other circumstance he would just get the Black Knights to "make the problem go away". But Lelouche needed to keep up this "normal student" farce he had going.
"I understand completely," Lelouche responded. The girl seemed to accept this and went back to paying attention to the teacher. The situation was making Lelouche feel rather depressed, and when Lelouche was depressed he often thought about Suzaku. He had no idea why his thoughts always turned to Suzaku, but it always made him feel better, and at the same time deeply confused.
At the army base, Suzaku wasn't doing anything. He would have questioned his very presence there, but he was under explicit orders not to question his orders, so he remained there, bored and irritated. He was with Lloyd and Miss Cecile, but unlike Suzaku, they were actually doing something. They had to fine tune the Lancelot, and fix any of the pieces that might have broken during the last battle. Suzaku didn't really like being around those two when they were together. He had no problem with them individually, but when together they always seemed to have very strange conversations.
"Miss Cecile, I was wondering if perhaps later you would like to accompany me for some sex?" Lloyd said, far too casually to be considered normal.
"First of all, you shouldn't hit on one of your employees. Second, you're engaged to that high schooler, and lastly I find your very presence disgusting, and couldn't imagine spending any time with you alone outside of this base," Cecile said, all without looking up from the computer she was working on.
"Alright, but we can't can't keep this cat and mouse game going on forever you know," Lloyd said with a giggle "Eventually the cat catches and has sex with the mouse, even if it's by force." Lloyd then left as Miss Cecile started to wonder what Loyd meant when he said "by force".
Lloyd stumbled over towards Suzaku. "How's school going? Meet any worthwhile female specimens?" Suzaku noticed how Lloyd slurred his speech, and also how he had to lean on the chair to stay balanced.
"Lloyd, have you been drinking?" Suzaku asked, slightly afraid of the answer.
Lloyd started to giggle again "Don't worry, I only drink hard liquor when I'm on the job so I should be fine." He then started to sway a little, and for a second Suzaku thought he was going to fall down, but Lloyd was able to regain composure long enough to ask, "I was wondering, does my fiancé flirt with other men at school? I imagine she would." Lloyd collapsed to the ground before Suzaku could answer.
Miss Cecile stopped working to see what where that collapsing sound came from. She seemed very pleased that it came from her boss. She looked down at Lloyd, and then up at Suzaku, who said "Do you think he's alright?"
"I wouldn't worry about him," Miss Cecile said as she stepped over Lloyd's body in order to get closer to Suzaku. In fact, she was starting to get a little too closer.
"Um, Miss Cecile, what are you doing?" He carefully stumbled over his words.
Miss Cecile put a finger to his lips. "Shh," she said, "let are body's do the talking for now." She started to straddle Suzaku in his chair, who in true Japanese fashion freaked out and pushed her off of him.
"I, uh, I gotta go," he said as he readjusted his pants. "Euphy told me to, um, buy her...something"
"Alright, just remember," Miss Cecile said, and started undoing the top two buttons of her blouse, "I'm here for you. All you need to do is say the word." She said this all in a very breathy voice.
"Right," Suzaku said stretching out the word. "I'll keep that in mind." He then ran out the door like a soldier on shore leave, not remembering his orders to stay. As he put more and more distance between himself and Miss Cecile, Suzaku started to slow down, and eventually stop, in order to compose himself in a way more befitting an officer. "Man, that was the weirdest thing that's ever happened to me," he said as he started down the path towards the school, hoping to see his friends before they all went off to do whatever it is they do after school.
"Man, that was the weirdest thing that's ever happened to me," Lelouche said as he started down the path towards his next class, hoping to get there before it started. The events that made Lelouche say this were indeed weird, and there was a chance that it would affect Lelouche later in his life, but probably not. The teacher that was involved in this strange event had asked Lelouche to stay after class had ended. This was something that happened often to Lelouche and it was usually for one of the same three reasons: sleeping in class, correcting the teacher, or just being too pretty, but usually that last one only happened with female teachers. This teacher, however, was an exception.
The teacher had called Lelouche over to tell him how much he loved him, and that they were meant for each other. Lelouche tried explaining that this was foolish, and how he probably wouldn't even recognize the teacher if they were to meet on the street, but the teacher was persistent, clinging to Lelouche and saying, "But I just know that we're in love I can feel it, and I know you can too!"
The truly unfortunate part of this whole ordeal was the fact that Lelouche had already used his geass on this man, and now had to think a way out of this man's surprisingly tight grip, that was getting tighter the more time passed, and he was forced to do it in such a way that didn't befit the superior royalty he is.
Lelouche wasn't unfamiliar with lying, but he never before had to lie about his sexuality (or did he?). He found the whole idea to be rather uncouth, and thus unworthy of his attention, but it was something that had to be done. He said to the teacher, "You're right. I do love you, and would gladly receive your feelings now, but if we're seen together on school grounds then we could both get in trouble."
The teacher believed him and let go. "You're right my love, you were always the smartest," the teacher said, panting for some reason that was unknown to Lelouche.
"First of all," Lelouche said, dusting excessive flop sweat and cologne off of his uniform "I'm always right, and second you will no longer refer to me by 'my love'. Instead, you will only address me by 'oh captain my captain'. Is that understood?"
"Oh captain my captain, yes I understand completely!" The teacher was grinning like a fool on a motorcycle about to crash.
"Good. Here's the plan," Lelouche said, making it up as he went along. "There is a hotel at the edge of downtown called No Love Lost'. I want you to go there after school gets out and wait for me, got it?" The only reason Lelouche knew about this place was because once, when he was about twelve years old, he was kidnapped and forced to sweep floors there. He told the owner of the hotel that he would marry his daughter if the owner promised to stop making him work. Knowing about his daughter's obvious crush on Lelouche, he agreed, and, during the wedding ceremonies (which were beautiful), Lelouche was able to escape, leaving the daughter to live out the rest of her days sad and alone, knowing that no man would ever be better than Lelouche.
"No Love Lost, got it" The teacher said, sweating now more than he had ever sweat before.
"Remember," Lelouche said in his serious voice, "Don't leave until I arrive"
"Don't worry about me leaving; I wouldn't miss this for the world!" With that, the teacher ran off, clearly excited about what he thought was to come. Now all Lelouche had to do was send one of the Black Knights there in his place to either get rid of or satisfy the teacher, whichever the particular knight chooses.
Lelouche was late for his next class, but it was art so nobody cared (the only reason he knew this was art class was because there were paint supplies and such scattered all over the room). In fact, the teacher didn't even notice he wasn't there. All the tables were covered with mats to protect them from the clay that was being used by all the students. Most of the tables were full with students who happily chatted away like idiots, but Lelouche was able to find a table that no one was using. Sitting by himself made Lelouche look very lonely to all the other students, which made them all feel bad for him, which then made them all like him more, proving that Lelouche was cool no matter what situation he was in. Lelouche preferred being alone though--it allowed him to think without interruption, and it also meant he wouldn't have to deal with any of those bothersome "friends" of his. In his mind the only person worthy of being spoken to by Lelouche was Lelouche.
The project that was assigned to them was simple: create something using the clay that isn't normally made out of clay. Lelouche had no idea what the point of the project was. Anything that wasn't made out of clay was so for good reason. Clay wasn't the most structurally reliable material to build things out of; aside from pottery it had little use in this modern society. When he told the teacher this he was simply told to "Dig deep, and find inspiration from nothingness!", a sentence that did little to help Lelouche with the situation at hand. But as soon as he heard the students around talking that special talk, and saw them building things like clay cutlass swords, and clay eye patches, he knew exactly what he wanted to make.
It wasn't "nothingness" that was inspiring Lelouche with the project, it was stupidity. Not his own stupidity (for such a thing didn't exist), rather the stupidity of those around him. His clay project was much more original. Taking three pieces of clay, elongating them into cylinders of equal lengths, he then took these cylinders and wove them into a beautifully crude rope. After making a loop, Lelouche tied the end of the rope to the center creating a perfect, although structurally unsound, noose.
The art teacher walked by stopping at each student to study what they had made. "Terrible," he said as he looked at the first students work, a girl who proceeded to cry into the clay pirate hat she had just made. "Dreadful," he said as he passed the next student, barely even glancing at the sword he had made. He got to Lelouche's noose and moved in closer to get a better look at the piece of clay beauty.
The teacher simply said "Brilliant". He didn't emphasize it, or make a big deal out of it at all, he simply said it like there was no way to argue it.
The teacher turned to the rest of the class and said, "You all could stand to learn a thing or two from Lelouche here." Placing his hand awkwardly on Lelouche's shoulder.
"I've been saying that for years," Lelouche said dramatically.
"Note," the teacher continued, "the subtle undertones signifying a much deeper, more exotic frame of mind than the rest of you." Although Lelouche agreed completely with what the teacher was saying, he was starting to feel really uncomfortable with the hand on his shoulder, especially when the teacher gave it a squeeze, which was probably supposed to be reassuring, but after that incident with the last teacher, it just seemed creepy.
Normally, when one receives a compliment, they kindly except and then move on. Not Lelouche, though. Being a prince meant compliments from commoners were equivalent to everyday sayings like "Hello" or "That's some good pie". It also meant that if Lelouche accepted these compliments, he would be lowering himself to their level. The fact that Lelouche was no longer a prince was just a mere technicality.
The students started gathering around Lelouche in a vain attempt to win affection from him. Usually the only thing they got from him was dissatisfaction, but because of their boorish pronunciation of words, Lelouche was feeling only hatred. Hatred for the pirate talk, and all the people who used it.
"Lelouche, you be quite the clever lad, arrgh," one of the pirate students said, using a voice that was more gruff than usual, but nonetheless annoying. The praise continued, and each compliment felt less like an ego booster and more like a punch to the appendix (although Lelouche had his appendix removed at a young age, so he would have one less weakness for his enemies to exploit).
Lelouche tried to back away before any more students started with the praise, but it was too late: they had him surrounded, and there was no way out. "Damn, how am I supposed to take over a country when I can't even deal with the smallest of school problems?" he thought. It was then that Lelouche realized if he was to become some sort of world leader, then he would undoubtedly be considered the sexiest of the world leaders, and therefore he would be greatest among them. Lelouche continued to think, "If I use my geass in this situation, I might be able to get enough of these simpletons to move, but I can't get all of them at once." The situation was getting worse, the students were crowding around him more, slowly inching there way closer to his body, spouting praise as they did so.
"Yar Lelouche, I think you should be teaching the class!" Every time one of them spoke it was like being kicked in the kidneys (Lelouche also had one of his kidneys removed, and replaced with a low grade explosive. This way any enemy trying to remove his left kidney would be in for a rather deadly surprise).
"Matey, you be the best of the best, in all categories!" This one felt more like a blow to the skull, and sounded more Scottish than pirish.
"There has to be a way out of this situation. Think damn it!" Lelouche's thoughts started to go from their usual calculative state to a more random state of desperation. "I know, I'll pretend to pass out, then they'll move me to the nurse's office." He thought about that plan a little more. "No, that wouldn't work, I'd be in the same situation just in a different spot. Maybe I could start crying, but that would make me look like a girl, and people are already starting to question my sexuality." The students were now all pressed up against him, leaving him barely any room to breathe, let alone plan a successful counter attack. "The situation is hopeless!" Lelouche yelled out, this time not in his head, but on the outside of it, allowing all of the other students and the teacher to hear it.
"Lelouche matey, what be wrong with you?" Some random female asked, probably hoping for some kind of recognition.
"Yar, you be actin pretty strange if you be askin me," a boy said, knowing full well that nobody asked him.
"Not good," Lelouche said, once again inside of his own head. "In my anger I spoke aloud. This never would have happened to Hamlet, and his damn soliloquies." Lelouche then started to think that instead of National Speak Like a Pirate Day, they should have National Speak Like a Shakespearean Actor Day. That was an idea Lelouche could get behind, or get in front of. Lelouche could get in any direction with that idea. Lelouche then started to notice the vague similarities between his life and the play Hamlet (or The Lion King) "Man, poisoned or not, I really hope I don't get stabbed with anything after I get my revenge," he thought. Luckily for Lelouche, being a terrorist meant happiness in the afterlife (or so he had heard).
The students continued to produce words from their comment holes, and the more they commented, the more Lelouche started to think suicide wasn't so bad. While the comments before had pertained to the situation at hand, this new batch of comments were slowly becoming more and more arbitrary.
"Grr matey, me thinks the student council should form some sort of class representative system," a boy said, unaware of the already present class representative system in place at Ashford Academy (for the Sexually Frustrated)
Another student said "Wha's all this then?" Lelouche almost pointed out that a Cockney British accent is not the same as a pirate accent, but then he realized that doing so would be counterproductive.
One of the women said, "Yarg, my feelings towards you remain unchanged." The deep gruffness usually associated with pirates made this girl sound like one of those women who only likes other women.
"Lelouche, I be wantin a baby with you." This one came from a man.
The bell rang right before Lelouche had a nervous breakdown that would have completely put his world domination plans on hold. Fortunately the next class was lunch, where the teacher was a sandwich, and the only thing Lelouche had to learn how to do was eat that teacher (it wasn't a very difficult class, especially with Lelouche's high learning curve). Lelouche managed to sneak away from his other classmates when they weren't looking, and he made his way to the student center, which ironically never had any students in it.
Lelouche never made it inside the student center, for his enemy's had already taken hold of the territory. Apparently the student center was, for the first time, being used for something. Under more normal circumstances, Lelouche would have had no problem with this, but what was occupying the center now made his blood boil. There were two students of the female gender standing behind a booth, selling all kinds of pirate themed knickknacks and toys. More disturbing than the actual shop was the sheer number of people buying said knickknacks and toys. It made Lelouche stop in place, and then suddenly lose his hunger for a sandwich with the crusts cut off.
Just like how Frankenstein's attempts to recreate life failed, so did Lelouche's attempts to eat his crustless sandwich fail. Unlike the failed Frankenstein incident however, no one got hurt during Lelouche's failed lunch incident (not yet at least). Since the center for students was being overrun by students, Lelouche went to the next best spot, the roof, where many a student had fallen to their doom. Unsafe as it was, Lelouche liked the roof for its soothing lack of people, and it's lead-based paint, which made Lelouche feel sort of at ease with life.
Normally the roof is uncrowded, but today there was an unfriendly face up there. An unfriendly face with an unfriendly body to go with it, and an unfriendly set of hands and feet to go with that, and an unfriendly mouth that spoke these words.
"You left me alone back there," C.C. said in the most unfriendly way possible.
"You're a big girl, I thought you could handle yourself," Lelouche responded in an equally unfriendly way. Lelouche leaned against the roof railing, which was missing a screw, and seemed to buckle under Lelouche's weight.
"I was standing there for an hour. The fluid around my eyes dried and hardened. Do you know what that's like?" C.C. seemed extremely upset, and might have cried if her tear glands weren't fused closed. "Taking that stuff off was probably the most painful experience of my life."
"What a coincidence, this conversation is probably the most painful experience of my life." Lelouche sounded neither sympathetic nor apologetic. He sounded more bored than anything. "Seriously, if you had asked me five minutes ago if I thought it was possible to be bored to death, I would have said 'No', but now I'm not too sure." Lelouche began the sandwich eating process, which normally looked rather droll, but in the stunningly capable hands of Lelouche, looked like the single greatest thing on the planet.
Distracted by Lelouce's beautiful eating, C.C. was unable to conjure any thoughts other than "My, what soft lips Lelouche has", and, following that train of thought, she added "All the better to love me with." She then giggled in a most uncharacteristic manner and said, "Lelouche maybe we should try being nicer to each other?"
Lelouche seductively finished his sandwich and responded definitively with the word "No", and then he left her there without a farewell. It was then that C.C. realized for the first time how cold it was on the roof of Ashford Academy.
Lelouche had decided to skip his last few classes in order to preserve what little remained of his broken down psyche. And besides, his next class was gym, and nobody likes gym. On his way down the staircase that led to the courtyard, Lelouche started to wonder why his lunch was so late in the day. It was something that always bugged him, but it wasn't until just now that he realized it. "I should bring it up at the next student council meeting," he thought.
Lelouche stopped his descent down the stairwell. He had forgotten about the student council meeting that was scheduled for today after class. It would no doubt be ripe with annoying pirate speak. If he wasn't able to mentally prepare himself for this one, the results could be disastrous. Lelouche began the complex task that was preparing his mind for the deadening stupidity that the student council would probably bring down upon him. The mental preparations were so complex that any lesser man who attempted it would undoubtedly have been crushed under the weight of his own thoughts. That was the reason why it was on Lelouche's list of skills (right next to "looking cool in a sidecar" and "disappointing his parents").
By the time Lelouche was finished readying himself for the onslaught known only as "Student Council Meeting Time Fun Session", all classes were over, and it was time for the meeting to start. On his way to the meeting room Lelouche had to keep reminding himself that the meeting was only an hour long, and that if he just focused on whatever work needed to be done it wouldn't be so bad. Then again, the president had a way of making things Lelouche didn't like even less enjoyable. Normally, Lelouche had a certain respect for President Milly: she made sure everyone followed her orders, and she always was able to do whatever she wanted, even if what she wanted was a blatant misuse of her student council presidential power, but Lelouche was sure that this time she would go too far.
Lelouche stood in front of the door to the Student Council room. "Ashford Academy Student Council Room," he said to himself. "You'll never find a more retched hive of scum and villainy anywhere in Area 11," he continued saying to himself.
The door swung open, and Lelouche stepped in. He could feel the regret already seeping into his body, and he instantly knew that coming here was a mistake. The first person he noticed was the girl with the glasses who threatened him earlier. She was at the computer, and probably didn't even realize he came in. Also there was that blue-haired kid who drove Lelouche around on his motorcycle, and always talked but never really said anything. The orange-haired girl who stalked him was there, but she was unimportant for the moment. Also there was Kallen, who was secretly a terrorist, and secretly fought against Britannia, and who secretly followed the secret orders of Lelouche's secret alter ego. Then there was Ashford Academy Student Council President, Milly Ashford, the most feared and respected person on campus, and the only person in the room, maybe in the whole school, worthy of Lelouche's praise. If she were in charge of Britannia's military forces, she probably would have bested Lelouche in battle by now, simply by annoying him into a coma.
Lelouche wanted to run away, but he knew he couldn't, for Milly had a surprisingly effective punishment for anyone who missed one of the meetings, so he simply took his seat at the table. To his right sat the blue-haired boy, who started the act of talking with Lelouche, who was much too busy brooding to listen. To his left was the orange-haired girl, who was looking at him like she desperately wanted to eat him. Straight across from him was the focus of Lelouche's attention: Milly taking her seat much like a queen would, and that just made Lelouche angrier. The racist with glasses stayed at the computer, apparently busy working on something that no one else could possibly understand. Kallen was pretending to be sick, and just sat in the corner playing with that stupid cat, which shouldn't have been in the school in the first place (what if someone was allergic?).
"Yarr, onto business," the president said in much the same way a pirate would. "You should no longer be referin' to me as 'President'. From now on you will all be callin' me 'Captain!'"
Lelouche's eyes widened, and he gripped the arms of his chair very tightly, which was hard to do since the orange haired girl's arms were wrapped around his, and, strangely enough, so were the blue-haired boy's. "This is worse than I had thought it would be," Lelouche thought. "Making us call her 'Captain'... I can't possibly do something like that, it's too ridiculous." Lelouche turned his head to see if any of the other student council members were feeling the same as him. Unfortunately, they all seemed pleased with the idea, except the orange-haired girl who was looking at Lelouche in much the same way a bear looks at a hiker covered in honey.
"Yar prez, I mean captain! That's a fantastic idea!" Blue-hair said. Lelouche made eye contact with him, eyes still wide and sweat starting to seep out of his forehead. "Right Lelouche?" The boy added.
That was the straw that shattered the camel's back, paralyzing it, and making it very easy for scorpions and the various other desert creatures to consume. While Lelouche was able to tolerate other people speaking in such a manner as this, he simply could not agree with it. The blue-haired boy's question had forced Lelouche to reveal his true feelings on the subject of pirate speak. The anger that had been building up all day had reached its critical point, and needed a way out.
"No!" Lelouche yelled out, standing up from his chair as he did so. His outburst made everyone in the room look at him; the orange-haired girl snapped out of her hungry daze, and even the racist looked away from her computer screen (turns out she was just playing World of Warcraft). "I cannot except this," he went on to say. "We should be talking about important things, like the school budget, and how to get rid of that creepy guy who always hangs out in front of the girls dormitory at night. Not indulge in Milly's silly delusions and festivals!" Lelouche's blood was boiling, which is very unhealthy, but he continued his angry rant. "I have put up with a lot of things from you. I even wore a freaking dress for that stupid ball of yours!"
"Lelouche, I like where you're going with this, but you're not talking like a pirate, so we really can't be expected to take you seriously," Milly said, with a calmness that came from a lifetime of strange bisexual experiences.
Lelouche released a powerful yell from his body that scared everyone except Captain/President Milly. "That's wrong!" Lelouche clutched his head, holding it together as if it were about to blow apart. "It's the other way around, people shouldn't be taken seriously if they do speak like pirates. I'm the only one here who should be taken seriously!"
Milly got out of her seat and walked towards Lelouche. "If you really wanted to be taken seriously, you wouldn't be throwing' this tantrum like a little baby!" Milly was in Lelouche's face yelling at him. But worse than the volume of her speaking was the fact that she still sounded like a pirate.
Lelouche took a step back from Milly. "No, I'm right," he said. "This isn't normal, you can't expect me to lower myself like that. I don't care if everyone else is doing it, the simple fact that people are even going along with it is infuriating! It's madness!" Lelouche had run out of breathe and started to lean against the table for support.
Captain/President Milly's eyes narrowed, and for just a moment time seemed to stand still within the Ashford Academy student council room. "Madness?" Milly spoke in a hushed but fierce tone. Lelouche looked up and his eyes met with Milly's, which contained the rage of a sexually confused teenager. "This is Ashford!" Milly completed her reference in an even louder, and more powerful voice than before.
Lelouche was surprised by the sheer strength of Milly's words, but he was more surprised by the sheer strength of the front kick that Milly delivered to him right after she yelled. The kick was powerful enough to lift Lelouche off of the ground and send him crashing through the window. That would not have been too much of a problem, but the particular window he was kicked out of happened to be located on the third floor. As Lelouche fell to the ground, he saw the heads of the blue-haired boy and the orange-haired girl poke out of the window. They both looked very worried about him, and also very shocked. Lelouche, however, wasn't thinking about his school life as he fell. He wasn't thinking about his army, or about destroying Britannia, or even his sister Nunnally. The only thing going through Lelouche's mind was: "I really hope they're not talking like pirates right now."