Mr. Darcy's Breeches: The Real Reason For His Actions At The Meryton Dance

It is a truth universally acknowledged that the beloved Mr. Darcy is a misunderstood man. When he is first introduced, Mr. Darcy is invariably portrayed as proud, rude, and conceited though he learns his lesson by the end of almost every story. Various reasons are given for this, depending on which story you read. Jane Austen would have us believe that he was given good principles but never followed him. The reasoning of fan fiction authors range from his being crossed in love or being jaded from exposure to certain people (usually George Wickham or Caroline Bingley). But my dear readers, I believe none of these is sufficient enough to explain his behavior and so I have developed my own theory: Mr. Darcy suffers from uncomfortable clothing! And before you dismiss it out of hand, read on and you will see the truth as I have seen it.

We are introduced to Darcy

As Darcy descended from the carriage in front of the Lion Inn, where the assembly was already in progress, he could feel his breeches ride up on him. He gritted his teeth and wished he could strangle his valet. He hated these particular pair of breeches since they were too tight in all the wrong places and would chafe every time he moved. He grimaced and resolved to dance as little as possible.

So intent was Darcy on his breeches he did not realize Miss Bingley was gazing at him with a superior smile until she spoke. "I can guess by your expression Mr. Darcy that you find this place as distasteful as I do. How ever shall we survive the night?"

Mr. Darcy surveyed the building a moment and could find nothing wrong with it other than it needed a good coat of paint. He opened his mouth to disagree but then thought better of it. He was not going to explain what his true thoughts to Miss Bingley and she would surely demand one. "Quite, quite," he muttered as they entered the building, all the while hoping he could find a quiet spot to pick out the seat of his breeches. Those hopes were dashed as he entered the assembly room with the rest of his friends. The room was small and filled almost to its full capacity. And to top it all off, the music stopped in mid-chord while everyone turned to stare at the Maryton party. No hope of privacy here, was Darcy's first thought. His second: Good God, I hope they are all not staring at my breeches! Mortified, he put on his haughtiest expression, lest anyone dare to mention it.

The dancing recommenced as soon as the residents of Meryton had their fill of the Meryton party and began to gossip. Rumors as to Bingley's and Darcy's fortunes spread like wildfire. Darcy, however, did not realize this and presumed the sly glances directed at him were not ones of avarice but of derision. He was sure the whispered conversations were about his breeches. Desperate to escape, he turned to Miss Bingley and asked her for the next two dances. With a flutter of her eyelashes, Caroline accepted and the couple walked out onto the floor.

Halfway through the first dance, Darcy began to curse his stupidity. Every movement hurt his nether regions and to top it all off, he had to listen to Caroline simper. He clamped his lips against the urge to scream and painfully finished the set. Much to his horror, Mrs. Hurst not-so-subtly hinted for the next two dances, and being a gentleman he could do nothing but to oblige her

A half-hour later, Darcy gingerly made his way to the back of the room, hoping to find somewhere to rest his aching bottom. Alas, all the seats were filled with ladies, who have no partners to dance with at the moment, watched his every with predatory eyes. Darcy blanched when he saw them and quickly retreated to a corner, ignoring the offence he had given. No force on earth was going to make him step out onto the dance floor again. Darcy was sure his already raw posterior would burst into flames if rubbed much more. And so he stood aloof, much to the disgust of everyone else in the room, until Mr. Bingley approached him with a goofy smile pasted on his face.

"Come, Darcy," Mr. Bingley exclaimed, "I must have you dance. I hate to see you standing about by yourself in this stupid manner. You had much better dance."
Darcy cringed. Though the burning had died down somewhat, the pain was certainly well-remembered. Quickly he cast about for an excuse that would not make him look ridiculous. "I certainly shall not. You know how I detest it, unless I am particularly acquainted with my partner. At such an assembly as this, it would be insupportable. Your sisters are engaged, and there is not another woman in the room whom it would not be a punishment to me to stand up with." That should get Bingley to shut up, he thought.

"I would not be so fastidious as you are," cried Bingley, "for a kingdom! Upon my honor I never met with so many pleasant girls in my life, as I have this evening; and there are several of them, you see, uncommonly pretty."

Darcy resisted the urge to throttle his friend. Dammit, Bingley, can you not see I am in pain! Go away, Darcy screamed at him mentally. "You are dancing with the only handsome girl in the room," Mr. Darcy said through gritted teeth, looking at the eldest Miss Bennet.

"Oh! She is the most beautiful creature I ever beheld! But there is one of her sisters sitting down just behind you, who is very pretty, and I dare say very agreeable. Do let me ask my partner to introduce you."

Argh! How do I get rid of him? As much as I love Bingley, he does not have much going on upstairs…He cannot even take a hint! Well, out goes Mr. Subtle and in comes Mr. Rude. "Which do you mean?" Darcy asked and turning round, he looked for a moment at Elizabeth, till catching her eye, he withdrew his own and coldly said, "She is tolerable; but not handsome enough to tempt me; and I am in no humor at present to give consequence to young ladies who are slighted by other men. You had better return to your partner and enjoy her smiles, for you are wasting your time with me." There! Idiot!

Mr. Bingley threw his hands up in defeat and went back to the beautiful Jane Bennet. Darcy breathed a sigh of relief just as Miss Elizabeth brushed past him. She momentarily looked up at him with suppressed mirth before joining her friend, Miss Lucas. Darcy felt slightly mortified, hoping she had not overheard his conversation with Bingley and definitely praying she had not noticed his breeches. As he watched, the two ladies stole several glances in his direction and proceeded to laugh merrily. Darcy felt his back stiffen in indignation. Miss Elizabeth had noticed his breeches and now was laughing at him. Turning away in disgust, he stormed off to hide behind a rather large fern and there he remained until the Meryton party left the assembly.

Later that night, Darcy carefully slipped into his nightshirt, grateful for the freedom it allowed. Sitting on the edge of the bed, he watched as the valet retrieved the offending breeches from its place on the floor. "Hargraves," Darcy growled.

The valet turned to his master. "Yes sir?"

"Burn those godforsaken breeches and then burn the ashes!"

Hargraves looked startled but bowed and left the room to comply with Darcy's wishes.

Darcy lay back on his bed and sighed. He knew he had behaved very badly all evening. All of Meryton must despise him by now but could not bring himself to feel guilty about it. Anyone in his position would have behaved the same way, Darcy was sure. And besides, people who laughed at a man in chafing breeches deserved no civil treatment. Why it was the very height of incivility! Feeling vindicated by these musings, Darcy drifted off to sleep.

For kicks and giggles.

Sorry for those whom read my other stories.

I'm an English, History and Anthropology major and I am working at the Student Writing Center at SLCC.

Thus, my schedule is packed and I have no time to write.

I promise I will print out my stories and carry them with me so that I might be able to write and then type up some more chapters.

To those whom read Keep Your Friends Close, I am still writing that story. However, I have to watch the episodes as I go to make sure I stay in line with the story. It is hard to find time, but I will be posting soon.

Thanks