Legal: I just took Olivia out for a little stroll, but I played nice and returned her to Dick Wolf and NBC when I was done … I own nothing.
Author's Note: I have written this after watching a video by my favorite video guru, Erika (bensonlover99 on youtube). The story I believe was completely inspired by this video. I love this song. So check out the video: City of Silver Dreams it is awesome! (I am a tart and cannot figure out how to put the hyperlink into the doc, but if you search her on YouTube you will find it :/ )So let's hope this story does her video justice. Thanks to her for the inspiration. Thanks to T for the challenge.
Winter Wonderland
I walked out of the door and into the lightly falling snow. I looked up and down the street, but was not really seeking out anything in particular. It was probably cop instinct to do so or maybe my wishful thinking that my date might have actually been waiting for me after all. However, I knew that he was long gone, much like the many that had gone before. But who could blame them when you make plans, but they get cancelled at a moment's notice. Who could blame them when you even knew your heart belonged to another? However, things needed to be done in my profession, and eventually someone would understand how it goes. But would they be willing to accept that half of my heart would always belong to another?
In the meantime, I got to enjoy the fabulous outfit that I had purchased earlier in the week. Even as I had put it on in the crib, I thought that I looked hot. I would be proud to take me home. I laughed to myself as I thought, and well that's good since you are going home with yourself. But the cancelled date also gave me a chance to take a moment to enjoy my favorite time of the year.
I always enjoyed the city as the snow fell lightly across the streets. You would not find many out in the streets at times like these and it made the city appear so beautiful. If you were not a cop or a resident, you would probably find it to be one of the most beautiful places on earth. But a long time resident and cop, such as myself, would often have a hard time seeing it with such optimism. However, during the snowfall, I always managed just that. I managed to find the ability to appreciate the way the snowflakes would make the lights twinkle even brighter. I could appreciate the serenity of Central Park, and not recall the number of victims we had found amongst the leaves of assorted places in the Park. I could walk down the streets, lined with Christmas lights, and not recall the depravity that existed amongst the humanity that lived on the same streets as I did. I also could remember that there were things about myself, my choices and my life that I loved. The snowfall always brought optimism for me. It could always calm me after a trying case, or a fight with a friend or a lover, or just general personal frustration with myself over the newest predicament that I found myself in.
At times, like this, when the snow was falling, and the streets were quiet, you could always find me walking the streets of the city. It never mattered where I was when I started my walk, but I would always find my way to some of my favorite sites throughout the city. They were places that the tourists may or may not appreciate, but during the snow they always made me smile. I would take a moment and appreciate them and then continue on. My walks would often last hours, and they always made Elliot nervous. He often warned me that I was going to end up like one of our victims, but my optimism of the snowfall would allow me a moment to just shake my head and laugh and continue out the door without looking back (at least not where he could see).
My first stop tonight was the Brooklyn Bridge. It was always like the bridge to the promised land, a place where the evils of the city could not be found. However, after meeting with the Brooklyn SVU detectives, I knew better. But for this moment in time, I would imagine it as the road to a place where everything was simpler than the life I had been dealt lately. I looked to sky and looked for the answers that I always looked for. The only thing that I had ever been certain of was my dedication to my job and the victims of the crimes of humanity. I stood and stared at the beauty of the bridge, and as I often had before resisted the urge to run across the bridge to the broken dreams that my rational side knew existed at the other end of the bridge. I smiled to myself, and turned on my heel and walked away from the snow covered bridge.
My next stop brought tears to my eyes, as it did every time I was near it. Many of my friends had been amongst those lost on that fateful day in 2001. It was a day that more than shocked me to the core. I took in the empty space that occupied the former location of the Twin Towers. It had a rough look to it that even the snowfall couldn't take away. Nothing would ever bring peace to this place. As I stood there admiring it, I took a deep breath and slowly closed my hand around the shield that I had slipped in the pocket of my jacket, just in case. I thought of myself, and the fate I could've met. I thought of him, and my heart almost stopped. It was too hard to even imagine and made it even harder to breathe, but I forced myself to continue to stare forward. It helped me to be thankful for my life; and the things that I've gotten to accomplish. This was the place I came to when I was looking for a humble moment. A moment to reflect on that which was so right; while I was surrounded by all that was so grossly wrong with the world. The severe contrast made me appreciate all that I had overlooked and make it appear so much brighter forcing me to take notice. I caught some lights off to my right that were a bright blue, and they again reinforced the thought of what if he had been in that building that day. How my life would have changed. Would I have survived? I had been apart from him before, but we had always come back together, even if it was always a bit rocky at the reconvergence.
From here I made my way to Madison Square. This small park was hidden amongst the buildings and was easily missed by the tourists. Although if you did happen upon it, you would be sure to take notice. I stopped in the middle of the park and looked around. I was at the convergence of Broadway and Fifth Avenue. One was the road to broken dreams and the other held all the dreams that were rarely obtained. The sparkles and the lights would appear eventually on both, but here in this small space at the beginning or the end, depending on how you looked at it, it was fairly calm and quiet. The snow made the scene perfect. It was my place of calm. My time when I seemed to let it all go and just enjoy the sereneness that surrounded me. If I came here during a normal day, it would be likely that I would find children playing and that would make me smile; or I would find a festival that I would revel in for a few hours. But with the snowfall increasing with each step I took, I had the place to myself. I looked to the benches where you would see couples sitting enjoying lunch, or moms watching the children play. I looked to the Shake Shack that often had a line down the block for a simple burger and fries. I walked over and looked up the streets that dreams were made of and I thought of the one dream I often had for myself. The one dream that I never spoke aloud, but that lived the loudest in my head at all times. It was the dream where I would finally find the comfort I had been seeking all my life. I knew where I would find it, but I also knew too well that the place was one I would never have. I rolled my eyes as I drifted from the serene to the place where it harangued me for loving the person who was most unavailable to me.
Damn it! I said aloud to myself and headed up Broadway stamping my feet the whole way. As if my love for him could be stamped out.
I headed to Times Square. The famous place where New Years Eve came down every year and the place where every cop in the City hated to be on that same night. While it was snowing, the hustle and bustle of the Square came to a slow wander. I infused myself into the small crowd that was brave enough to venture out as I was. I looked to the spot that held the magic Crystal ball that fell every year. I felt my heart drop as I thought of the losses in my life over the years. I swallowed a big lump as I thought of the loss of my innocence that had come in recent years, not that I had ever really been terribly innocent. But the incidents of recent years had really brought a new perspective and a huge dose of reality. I had to endure experiences that I had only been on the sidelines for in prior years. I had to make decisions that no one should have had to. I allowed one tear to drop as I said a prayer for the little one and her momma, but never would I let another tear fall for myself. It was part of how I faced the reality of what had happened and forced myself to actively go through the healing process. I took a seat on the empty steps that were now a permanent fixture in the square and reflected on those incidents as they came to mind. He had fought hard with me about the baby, but when it came down to it, he had held his tongue and my hand as I made the hardest decision of my life. As I held the infant and sent her off into a heavenly existence with no pain and no machines, merely the love of all those who knew her for that short time on earth, he stood by with a reassuring hand on my shoulder and shared my pain. He had stayed even when the floodgates opened and I melted on the floor of my apartment as the reality had set in. We had survived that; yet I knew I would never tell him the secrets of my soul. The ones that had changed me from the core; and yet inspired me to work harder and with a fierceness that was almost venomous. It was just something that did not need to be aired. As a snowflake landed on my nose, I forced myself back to the present and moved on. I pressed to what was always my final destination, no matter how many stops I had made on my trek.
I entered the gates of Central Park across from the Plaza Hotel. It was not the easiest route to the place I would end up, but it was always a moment of indulgence. I loved the Plaza Hotel and all the promise and whimsy it held. Eloise had always been a little personal hero of mine. A little girl that caused a ruckus in the fanciest hotel in the city was a girl after mine own heart, as I always tended to cause a ruckus even as a small child. I smiled from ear to ear and started on the stroll through Central Park. Normally I would find my way to a variety of spots hidden amongst the green mass in the city, but tonight I would head to just one location. This place held my heart, soul, and all the dreams that made up my Happily Ever After. It was the place I would come to for a moment of optimism. A moment to revel in all that was possible, all that could happen, rather than to pay attention to all the negative voices that rang clear in my head every other moment of my life. As I rounded the corner I walked down past the BoatHouse, along the side of the lake. A saw the Angel of the Waters come into view and looked to the sky as I remembered my mother. I hoped that she had found peace among the heavens. I stopped for a moment and threw a penny into the empty fountain, and said a little wish for my mother before turning and walking beneath the arches. I walked slowly up the stairs, not because they were steep and plentiful, but more to give me time to clear my head for the thoughts that would come flooding in as I hit the top of the stairs. Just as I came off, they flew in as they always did.
The Elms lined both sides of the pathway. The path that symbolized the walk to a true love and a safe place where all my secrets would be known. This was the place that I had always imagined that I would share those two words with my Prince Charming in front of all our friends and family watching and cheering us on. I played the scene out in my head as I always did. I took a moment to let all of the emotions of the day flow through my veins. Some days it would overwhelm me, other days I would smile as if I had won the lottery. Today, it calmed me. It helped the snow clear my mind, and work its magic. It made me peaceful. I was content and everything was perfect. I walked slowly down the path, and was so enraptured by the beauty that surrounded me; I had not even noticed someone else on the path with me. I nearly collided into him and was startled from my thoughts by his words.
"I hate when it snows for just this reason." He said as he grabbed my arm to steady me.
I paused for a moment and looked into the icy blue eyes. If winter had a blue, this would be it. "What are you doing here, El?" I asked as I slowly stepped out of his personal bubble.
"Wanted to make sure you survived your snowfall stroll." He said with that cocky grin on his face.
I huffed and rolled my eyes. "You could've called." I said knowing that my cell was off. Another piece of the ritual.
He laughed. "It's off. That's part of the ritual."
My breath caught in my throat as he repeated my words back to me. I had never told him, and was shocked that he had noticed. "How did you find me?" I stuttered. "Are you stalking me, Stabler?"
He sat down on one of the benches that lined the path and patted the seat next to him. I sat next to him as I realized that my feet were tired, after all it was probably not the best idea to wear brand new shoes on this stroll.
He drew in a breath and then spoke quietly, almost in a whisper. "This is the place I come to when it snows. It feels different than the rest of the city."
My head whipped towards him in shock. "But I have never seen you here and I always end here." I stammered.
He smiled a small smile and said, "I have seen you here before, but often as I headed out. You always look so peaceful and happy here in the snow."
I smiled at him, surprised that he had never said anything to me before. "Thanks, El."
He smiled back at me. "So, what is that dreamy look on your face all about?"
My brain suddenly went into overdrive wondering what I should tell him. I looked at him and made the choice to see where a few things stood before revealing my thoughts. "Shouldn't you be home with Kathy and the kids? Won't she worry that you are out in this weather? It's no short ride back to Queens." We had not really discussed his personal life as of late, as I found it to be a painful topic and Elliot rarely liked to discuss his shortcomings.
Elliot cleared his throat and shifted in his seat before carefully speaking. "I moved out six months ago."
My jaw dropped to the ground and my heart skipped a beat. He's free! I thought to myself. "El, what happened? I am sorry to hear that."
He smiled at me and said, "A change of heart and circumstance forced my hand. It was for the best." He patted my hand and held it almost a little too long for a moment. But I did not pull away.
"You are being cryptic, Stabler. Knock it off. What is going on?" I asked hoping to force a better, more concrete explanation from him.
He stood up and then kneeled right in front of me. His icy blue eyes felt like they were boring through me and it seemed like hours passed before he spoke. "I simply realized that I loved another, and it was wrong to pretend that it was not the case."
Against all my efforts to stop it, a single tear rolled down my cheek as he said the words that I had waited years to hear. "But what changed everything?" I asked not yet allowing myself to feel the relief or joy that I knew came with his reveal.
"The night with Gladys' baby. It was at that moment I realized that I loved you more than anything else and that it was time to acknowledge that love so we all could be happy. It killed me to see you torn apart like that."
I let out the breath that I had been holding and nodded as all the words I had to say were caught in my throat. He reached up and kissed me and it was like nothing I had ever experienced before.
When the kiss broke, I looked at him and repeated words I had read in a poem once, "The love we have is everlasting." To me that line summed up everything I had felt since I had met him.
He just smiled and pulled me to my feet. We danced in the falling snow, under the Elms for hours and never even noticed the cold or the sun coming up. It was as if time stood still and for that moment it did.
That was the last snowfall stroll I ever took, because after that I rarely had a need to. I found my safe place in the arms of the one I had loved for years. He brought me all the comfort I needed in my life, even after the absolute worst day at work.
Our love will forever be everlasting.