Disclaimer: Alas, I am NOT J.K. Rowling nor am I affiliated with Saturday Night Live. I just had the crazy idea of putting the story together for (hopefully) your enjoyment and without any monetary gain.
Summary: Harry finds a couple new friends during the summer. Pre-HBP, No Ships, character death.
Pumped Harry
by Wild KS Phoenix
"I am Hans"
"And I am Franz"
"And were here to Pump (clap) you up!"
"So come down to our new Pumpatorium!"
"Ya! Ve'll mold you into..." Vernon Dursley shut off the radio as he grumbled about foreigner not being able to talk properly and how they should not be allowed in a proper English town.
Harry sighed and went back to gazing out the car window as they drove through Little Whinging toward Privet Drive. At least when his uncle had the wireless going he had something to listen to that helped distract him from his brooding over the unfairness of life. Before returning for the summer, Harry and his friends, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Neville and Luna, had made a trip to the Department of Mysteries where they battled Death Eaters to protect a prophecy that concerned Harry and the Dark Lord Voldemort. During this battle Harry was witness to the death of this Godfather, Sirius Black. Harry was then tormented further when Voldemort appeared and forced to fight for his life with the help of Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
As soon as the opportunity arose Harry escaped the Dursley house and took a walk. After a few minutes he came upon a new building. He was intrigued by the multiple black and white images of a muscle bound man in the windows of the 'PUMPATORIUM,' according to the bright red letters on the building. After a while of trying to remember where he had heard that name before, Harry looked down at his body and decided it couldn't hurt to at least check it out.
Harry entered the Pumpatorium where two muscular men in gray sweat pants and sweatshirts with wide leather belts around their waists greeted him. They looked at him for a bit then looked at each other and back to Harry and said, "I am Hans"
"And I am Franz"
"And were here to Pump (clap) you up!" They finished together, reminding Harry of the Weasley twins, Fred and George but with Austrian accents.
"Uh, hi. I'm Harry."
"Oh, the little girly man has a little girly name." Said Franz to Hans, though Harry heard it loud and clear.
"Velcome to the Pumpatorium!" Hans welcomed.
Franz jumped in next to promote their training abilities, "Ya, ya. Ve can…"
"Pump (clap) you up…" Hans and Franz said this together, again.
"to perfect pumpitude in just a few weeks. Der is only one level of training we have and vhats Pumped." Franz finished.
"So Harry, tells us about yourself, vhy did you decided to come to the Pumpatorium…vell besides the obvious?" Hans asked.
"Uh, I saw it and decided I was tired of being scrawny. Plus I figured it would help with my battle against V…err, my cousin." Harry was glad he hadn't said Voldemort.
"Vhat's your cousin like?"
"He's rather large, blond hair, resembles a pig in a wig."
"Oh, I have seen him, he and another large flabby man came in to practice boxing but der poor attitudes about the Pumpatorium lead us to kicking them out on der flabby behinds." Franz said, seeming proud of kicking Vernon and Dudley out of their gym.
"Ya, ya. Remember how da older one's face turned purple?"
"Ya, vhat was amusing. You are very different from dem." It wasn't a question.
"Here me now and believe me later…ve promise to help you achieve perfect pumpitude and help you in your battle."
Months later, it was time for Harry to return to school. He had spent the entire summer at the Dursley's, so had spent a lot of time with Hans and Franz. While his muscles weren't as large as Hans and Franz's they were at a perfect level for Harry. Hans and Franz had managed to not cry like 'little girly men' when Harry had said his goodbyes the day before he left.
Harry crossed the barrier on to the platform and by the time he reached the train everyone was staring at the new Harry. It didn't help that the new clothes he had purchased over the summer made the muscles standout a bit more (Hans and Franz held a bonfire to get rid of the old ones). He found Hermione in a compartment and joined her.
"Hello, can I help you? Harry? Is that you? You look great! What happened to you?" She looked over his body with appreciation in her eyes.
"Hello, Hermione. I…pumped up."
"I'll say!" They turned as they heard the girl's voice to see Ron and Ginny at the door of the compartment looking at Harry in awe.
"Harry, mate, you look good…err, well, you know." Ron complemented.
They settled in and caught up with each other from the summer. The trip started out good with only one blonde glitch. Draco Malfoy and his henchmen made their usual stop to annoy the friends only to be physically thrown out by Harry. The remainder of the train ride went well with a few people stopping by to offer their complements to Harry.
The school year was a fairly normal one, well normal for Harry. People stared at him for a few weeks. It didn't help that he had to wear his T-Shirts and jeans until the owl returned with larger robes, Molly Weasley had picked up his school supplies and sent them with Ron. After those arrived they stared until they were use to his new appearance, which he maintained thanks to the Room of Requirement. He even stopped Draco Malfoy from using the Room of Requirement by spending so much time there.
The first day of classes Harry noticed a change in his magical strength. This lead Hermione to create the theory that the better physical shape one is in the stronger their magic. She created a series of tests to prove this theory with some, surprisingly, willing volunteers in the form of Ron, Ginny, Neville, and Luna.
As per Professor Dumbledore's request he took an Occlumency lesson with Professor Snape. They only had one because while he was working his physical muscles his mental ones were developed thanks to when Steven Seagal stopped by the Pumpatorium during the summer. Steven shared his teaching and abilities of Zen to Hans, Franz, and Harry. While Hans and Franz decided it wasn't for them, Harry incorporated some teaching into his other training.
Finally, it was that time of year for Voldemort to stop by and be all high and mighty. Draco was assigned to kidnap Hermione, Ginny, and Ron so when that time came Harry followed them into the Forbidden Forest. He grabbed Draco just in time to join the group, as they were portkeyed away. The four of them landed outside a dilapidated house that Harry recognized from the vision he had at the beginning of his fourth year, the Riddle Manor.
"Thank you, Draco. You ssshall be rewarded later." Hissed the voice of Voldemort, a.k.a. Tom Riddle, as Draco joined the ranks of the Death Eaters. "Welcome, Harry Potter to the house of my father. You have certainly changed since we last met." He looked down his nose at them, taking in Harry's larger appearance for himself.
"I am Harry…"
"I am Ron…"
"I am Hermione…"
"And I am Ginny…"
"And we're here to Kick (clap) your butt!" They finished together. Hermione, Ginny and Ron took off their disguising spells to reveal their more muscular forms. They were expecting another confrontation with Voldemort thanks to the prophecy, hence the reason Harry decided to train in the first place. Thus, Harry had started training them at the beginning of the school year as part of Hermione's experiments. They decided to conceal the changes from everyone to avoid unwanted questions and additional test subjects.
"Hermione, Ginny, Ron, you know what to do, I'll handle this girly-man." Hermione, Ginny, and Ron nodded then started attacking the Death Eaters using their physical, mental, and magical strength.
Harry faced Voldemort with a grin. "Hear me now and believe me later, you are going down Lord Girly-man."
Voldemort didn't get a chance to reply for he was immediately attacked with a barrage of spells from Harry. After a while the two wands connected and remembering the previous time Harry forced the bead at Voldemort. However, this time it was forced away faster and when it impacted the yew wand Voldemort was hurdled back in to a tree. He was disoriented long enough for Harry to disarm him and start pummeling him.
When Harry was finished the world was a safe place once again. His three friends had wiped the floor with the Death Eaters, none of which would be capable of harming another person. The friends had been planning for this all year and created a spell to stop any behavior that could harm another, even if that behavior was some as simple as name-calling. They had decided that Voldemort would be the only casualty since the prophecy had been correct thus far and they didn't want to risk it. As for the spell, they would claim, "I have not idea what you are talking about."
A message was sent to Dumbledore via Harry's Patronus, which was now Arnold Schwarzenegger as far as he could discern, informing him of what had happened. Ten minutes later the sounds of pops filled the air as members of the Order of the Phoenix appeared. The four friends were assaulted with questions and hugs. Five minutes after that Aurors started appearing and more questions were asked, though many were repeated questions. The four refused to answer any questions until everyone that needed to be was present. Shortly after Dumbledore and Minister Scrimgeour appeared. The story was told, Harry knocked out the Minister for being annoying, the Death Eaters sent off to Azkaban, and the wizarding world started partying.
When things finally started to calm down again, Harry and his friends headed back to Surrey to thank Hans and Franz. When they reached the location of the Pumpatorium, the lot was empty and looked exactly as it had prior to the gym being there, even the building was gone.
"Where is it? I swear it was right here!" Harry said in disbelief, stepping on to the tall grass.
"Harry, this lot has been vacant for years. Are you sure…what's that?" Hermione asked as she noticed an envelope appear on the sidewalk. "It's addressed to you, Harry." He opened and read it.
Dear Harry,
This is Hans and this is Franz. Ya. We were here to Pump (clap) you up! but now we are gone. We have done our job and done it well. Ya, when you came to us you were a puny girly man. Now you are the embodiment of pumpitude and hero of the wizarding world. We knew all about you before you came to our gym for we are also wizards. We knew there was no way a puny girly man like you were could save the world so we took it upon ourselves to Pump (clap) you up! Read this now and believe it later, we will be there if you need us again, just don't turn back into the girly man you use to be.
Hans and Franz
It was a year before Harry was able to find Hans and Franz. He spent that year tracking them down before finding them in the United States with the help of their cousin, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Harry is now in charge of the London Pumpatorium, with help of Hermione, Ron, and Ginny. He remains friends with Hans and Franz to this day.
A/N: Yeah, I know, kind of cheesy. Hope you enjoyed it, it was meant to be funny…even if it wasn't. I did not have a Beta look through this so I'm relying on Word and myself. If there are any major errors in grammar, spelling, etc. let me know because I am in no way perfect.