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Hard
By AineRose
It was so hard some days, unbearable really- the burning inside you; a dark hole deep inside you growing and overwhelming you, impairing your vision, your speech, contaminating your conceptions of life. Images and pictures danced through your head, slowly pulling away the strings that connected you to reality and unless you could find yourself a foothold you would be gone.
At first, Oz had used Willow. In small cabins perched on the peaks of majestic mountains, he thought of Willow, and he was safe. He thought of her smile, her laugh, her bright eyes, her silky red hair and her love for him and he could make himself Oz again. It was those thoughts that kept him sane, and when he met Tara, and knew that he had lost his Willow, he was engulfed in the darkness, and he lost his only footholds, his only strings.
The scars from the Initiative would never fade, because he obtained most of them in his wolf form, and those couldn't be healed. He didn't like to look at them, and the first time Devon had seen them he had retched over and over for over a half-hour. He's used to them now. Karen had a different reaction. She had fought with him tooth and nail to get him to the doctor. And when she failed she had given him lotions, and creams, and moisturisers and other beauty products to try and heal and/or cover up the bruises, and raw patches, and deep purple gashes adorning his back and torso. They hadn't worked but he was grateful to his best friend for trying.
He found himself slipping away frequently-far to frequently than he would have liked- but after a few years he has learned breathing and meditation techniques to stop the burning and prickling of hair beneath his skin. Karen forces him to change, for it had been she that had discovered the connections between his long periods of Oz-ness and his sicknesses. At first they had suspected a cold, when he became prone to coughing fits, but when it became worse, and the doctors had failed to solve the mystery, Oz had become lost. When he awoke, naked and tasting the copper flavour of blood on his tongue Karen was standing over him, with a surprisingly triumphant smile on her face.
She helps him with his chains every month, armed with a tranquilliser gun borrowed from Angel "just in case" and stands watch over him during the full moon, occasionally letting Devon take her place, when exhaustion takes it's toll on her petite body.
She refers to Oz's cranky moods before the full moon as 'PMS' ("Pre-moon syndrome, get it!")-
Which was funny at first but after a while became just plain strange and the butt of many perverted jokes courtesy of Devon.
And when Oz looks around, and sees his life now, he almost thinks he's back in Sunnydale. With Xander and Devon keeping everyone sane (except themselves). When Karen takes charge of foreign situations she has no control or knowledge of, and coming out smelling like roses she reminds him of Buffy. Angel and Cordy are still there, offering friendship and support whenever he needs it, and keeping him a secret from everyone in Sunnydale, except Giles, who contacts him every few months. He feels like he has everything. Except Willow.
He has no foothold, no strings, and no safety net.
But sometimes, that's much more fun!
Fin