A Songfic by: Taimai
To the song: "By myself" by Linkin Park
WARNING: Major Angst involving Zell…
Zell sat in his room. He had just been through another one of Seifer's bullying sessions. He sighed and turned on the CD player. The blond went back and sat in front of the mirror in his bathroom, he started to clean his wounds.
***
What do I do to ignore them behind me?
Do I follow my instincts blindly?
Do I hide my pride / from these bad dreams
And give in to sad thoughts that are maddening?
Do I / sit here and try to stand it?
Or do I / try to catch them red – handed?
Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness,
Or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness?
Because I can't hold on / when I'm stretched so thin
I make the right moves but I'm lost within
I put on my daily façade but then
I just end up getting hurt again
By myself [myself]
I ask why, but in my mind
I find I can't rely on myself
***
Zell dabbed his left eye, which was swollen; he winced as he surveyed the rest of the damage to his face alone. "Why does he keep doing this to me?" Because you're no good, that's why. A voice in his head replied.
"I don't deserve it, no human being does!"
"But you do deserve it… you are lower."
"No I'm not!"
"Seifer is doing the world a favor, keeping something like you in check." The voice now had a venomous tone.
***
I can't hold on
To what I want when I'm stretched so thin
It's all too much to take in
I can't hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in
***
Zell was starting to cry, "I'm don't deserve it… I don't no one does!"
Stupid child, you know you deserve it. You're nothing, he is right, and you're always wrong!
Zell opened a drawer in to find some more wash clothes; he removed his razor and some towels. He wetted them and continued to clean. What are you doing? That voice came back again.
"I'm cleaning myself up."
Why do you bother? He always does this to you; it's not like he's going to stop.
"There is always a chance he will stop."
He is going to do it again and again, why don't you end it?
"I can't end it, I have too much to live for."
Getting beat up every week? Some life.
***
If I
Turn my back I'm defenseless
And to go blindly seems senseless
If I hide my pride and let it all go on / then they'll
Take from me 'till everything is gone
If I let them go I'll be outdone
But if I try to catch them I'll be outrun
If I'm killed by the questions like a cancer
Then I'll be buried in the silence of the answer
[by myself]
***
The blond boy stood up and removed his shirt, glancing at the bruised on his side and stomach.
See? There are so many bruises on you, the overlap! Just end it and make everyone's life easier.
"I don't give up."
If you end it, Seifer will be bored. You want him to suffer don't you? Let him suffer in boredom!
"That's not the way I want him to suffer."
You know it would be the only way to get back at him, you're too useless to do anything else.
"I suppose."
***
I can't hold on
To what I want when I'm stretched so thin
It's all too much to take in
I can't hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in
***
Zell stood up and went back into the main room with his bed. He sat down at his desk and started writing. The blond wrote some notes. Now what are you doing?
"I'm writing, leave me alone."
You know what you have to do.
"I know."
***
How do you think / I've lost so much
I'm so afraid / I'm out of touch
How do you expect / I will know what to do
When all I know / Is what you tell me to
Don't you know
I can't tell you how to make it go
No matter what I do, how hard I try
I can't seem to convince myself why
I'm stuck on the outside
***
Zell's tears dropped onto the desktop as he picked up a letter opener. "You finally got what you want. You fucking bastard." He moved the sharp object violently against his wrists. His crimson blood flowing out of his body.
Good, it's about time you listened to me chicken-wuss. Seifer's voice echoed through Zell's mind tauntingly, as he tumbled into everlasting darkness.
***
I can't hold on
To what I want when I'm stretched so thin
It's all too much to take in
I can't hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in
***
Squall knocked on the door. He then heard a crash. The SeeD commander opened the door quickly, a little annoyed at Seifer for what he had done yet again. "Zell, I hea- Oh my god…" Squall knelt beside the limp body. "Zell… no…"
Taimai
Notes:
Oh my god.. what the hell was I on! WAAHH!! I hurt Zelly!!!! *sniff* Well.. R&R plz.
To the song: "By myself" by Linkin Park
WARNING: Major Angst involving Zell…
Zell sat in his room. He had just been through another one of Seifer's bullying sessions. He sighed and turned on the CD player. The blond went back and sat in front of the mirror in his bathroom, he started to clean his wounds.
***
What do I do to ignore them behind me?
Do I follow my instincts blindly?
Do I hide my pride / from these bad dreams
And give in to sad thoughts that are maddening?
Do I / sit here and try to stand it?
Or do I / try to catch them red – handed?
Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness,
Or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness?
Because I can't hold on / when I'm stretched so thin
I make the right moves but I'm lost within
I put on my daily façade but then
I just end up getting hurt again
By myself [myself]
I ask why, but in my mind
I find I can't rely on myself
***
Zell dabbed his left eye, which was swollen; he winced as he surveyed the rest of the damage to his face alone. "Why does he keep doing this to me?" Because you're no good, that's why. A voice in his head replied.
"I don't deserve it, no human being does!"
"But you do deserve it… you are lower."
"No I'm not!"
"Seifer is doing the world a favor, keeping something like you in check." The voice now had a venomous tone.
***
I can't hold on
To what I want when I'm stretched so thin
It's all too much to take in
I can't hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in
***
Zell was starting to cry, "I'm don't deserve it… I don't no one does!"
Stupid child, you know you deserve it. You're nothing, he is right, and you're always wrong!
Zell opened a drawer in to find some more wash clothes; he removed his razor and some towels. He wetted them and continued to clean. What are you doing? That voice came back again.
"I'm cleaning myself up."
Why do you bother? He always does this to you; it's not like he's going to stop.
"There is always a chance he will stop."
He is going to do it again and again, why don't you end it?
"I can't end it, I have too much to live for."
Getting beat up every week? Some life.
***
If I
Turn my back I'm defenseless
And to go blindly seems senseless
If I hide my pride and let it all go on / then they'll
Take from me 'till everything is gone
If I let them go I'll be outdone
But if I try to catch them I'll be outrun
If I'm killed by the questions like a cancer
Then I'll be buried in the silence of the answer
[by myself]
***
The blond boy stood up and removed his shirt, glancing at the bruised on his side and stomach.
See? There are so many bruises on you, the overlap! Just end it and make everyone's life easier.
"I don't give up."
If you end it, Seifer will be bored. You want him to suffer don't you? Let him suffer in boredom!
"That's not the way I want him to suffer."
You know it would be the only way to get back at him, you're too useless to do anything else.
"I suppose."
***
I can't hold on
To what I want when I'm stretched so thin
It's all too much to take in
I can't hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in
***
Zell stood up and went back into the main room with his bed. He sat down at his desk and started writing. The blond wrote some notes. Now what are you doing?
"I'm writing, leave me alone."
You know what you have to do.
"I know."
***
How do you think / I've lost so much
I'm so afraid / I'm out of touch
How do you expect / I will know what to do
When all I know / Is what you tell me to
Don't you know
I can't tell you how to make it go
No matter what I do, how hard I try
I can't seem to convince myself why
I'm stuck on the outside
***
Zell's tears dropped onto the desktop as he picked up a letter opener. "You finally got what you want. You fucking bastard." He moved the sharp object violently against his wrists. His crimson blood flowing out of his body.
Good, it's about time you listened to me chicken-wuss. Seifer's voice echoed through Zell's mind tauntingly, as he tumbled into everlasting darkness.
***
I can't hold on
To what I want when I'm stretched so thin
It's all too much to take in
I can't hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in
***
Squall knocked on the door. He then heard a crash. The SeeD commander opened the door quickly, a little annoyed at Seifer for what he had done yet again. "Zell, I hea- Oh my god…" Squall knelt beside the limp body. "Zell… no…"
Taimai
Notes:
Oh my god.. what the hell was I on! WAAHH!! I hurt Zelly!!!! *sniff* Well.. R&R plz.