thats the thing about pain, it demands to be felt (John Green, TFIOS)

by forevermatteney

THIS HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH FRIENDS. SORRY. hi, ive been gone for a long time now, and im really sorry. ive had some problems with myself and still have, which you will read about if you read this. im only pubslishing this to get it all out cus ive heard writing helps. (this is not all of my thoughts, just some of them) im sorry, ill try to write something soon :)

In the corner of the room, a pale girl sat on her bed. Toilet paper in her left hand and a blade in her right hand. She wasn't crying, she was the most calm she had ever been. The blood beaded up in a crimson dotted line. At first it tingled and burned, but then it felt so good. The skin around it puffed, red like wine. The blood rolled down her skin and it made her feel alive.

She is not scared of death anymore. If death choose to come early, she will welcome it with open arms. At the age of 16, she is ready to die. If she could, she would have killed herself already, but she can't. She can't hurt her family, and that's the thought that keep her going.

This pale girl hates a lot. She hates it when her friends are sad or when people think they're not beautiful, but most of all she hates herself. She is not thin and beautiful as her friends. Nowhere close actually. She is the friend who wouldn't make a difference if she were there or not. She is the friend who not gets invited to girl's night, because she is too depressed. She is just the ugly friend, and if you stand next to her you will be 100 times more attractive.

She doesn't like to tell people about her problems. It makes her feel like a burden and even when she does tell, she regrets it immediately. For a while she wasn't even able to fake a smile, she was too tired and she still is. Tired of everything, but came to a conclusion that she is annoying everyone when she doesn't put on that smile everyday, because she was known as the one who laughed all the time. So now she is back to fake smiling again, and people might think she is doing better when actually she is feeling worse than ever.

She is not functioning normal anymore. When she is emptying the dishwasher she is at the edge of crying. She can't put her dirty clothes in the laundry basket without feeling exhausted.

She walks to school everyday hoping that this day someone would notice her. Someone would ask her why her sleeves are always down, why she flinch every time someone touches her arm, but then again, she can't tell.

Everyday she battles with her inner thoughts about suicide. She is scared that one day they will win.