A Misfits Christmas
Disclaimer: I don't own the Misfits, save for the Canadian-Israeli Mountaineer. I realize this is a little late for the Christmas season (due to several cases of writer's block) but I'm publishing it anyway, and as a Catholic my Christmas season continues past 25 December.
---
"Well that limits our shopping options." Shipwreck said, holding a long list in his left hand, "A list of the malls we're all banned from. Bayville's at the top of the list..."
"That's no surprise considering you and Storm wrecked the place." Cover Girl said.
"Like I'm the only guilty one?" Shipwreck replied.
"Well that's the most recent incident where Bayville Mall was trashed." Cover Girl said.
"It seems like we're having to go farther and farther to do our Christmas shopping." Shipwreck said, "I mean I've got a few people on my list..."
"Shipwreck, please try to buy something other than alcohol and lingerie for people..." Cover Girl said.
"But you like Victoria Secret, Polly's dropped enough bras on my head to tell me that." Shipwreck said, "And at least I'm not crass enough to buy you Malerie Surprise lingerie...After you torched her stuff enough times..."
"Shipwreck, I'll admit that's one improvement." Cover Girl said.
"So does that mean you'll go out with me sometime?" Shipwreck said.
"Don't push it." Cover Girl said.
"It's awfully quiet here." Shipwreck mused.
"That's because Trinity's with Althea shopping, Avalanche, Spyder and Toad are tagging along with Mountaineer, Roadblock and Low Light have taken Xi, Blob, and Pietro; and the Parr family's gone off to do their own shopping." Cover Girl said, "And Spirit's gone off to visit his tribe…"
---
"Ted? Ted?" Spyder said, "TED!"
"Whoa, what?" The Canadian Israeli replied as they stood in the Millenia Mall of Orlando. It was one of a few malls where they weren't banned. Yet.
"You just spaced out for a moment, yo…" Toad replied, "Are you alright, man?"
"I'm fine." Ted replied, "I got my Christmas shopping done, just there's one that eludes me…"
"Paige?" Spyder said.
"How'd you guess?" Ted replied.
"I thought that'd be easy…" Spyder replied, "I mean you've been seeing her for a long time."
"Yeah, but that doesn't mean that it's easy." Ted replied.
"I don't know, I was 'spaced out' as you said." Ted replied as they wandered into a Christmas themed shop.
There was a recording of the First Noel playing in the background. "An angel…"
"Huh?" Spyder said.
"That's what I always think of whenever I think of Paige." Ted replied.
"That is so sweet…" Spyder said.
"In a lot of ways she was my angel." Ted replied, smiling, "One who loves me despite everything. Honestly if I never met her I would have put a bullet through my own head. But I can't think of a damned thing to give her this year…"
Ted glanced among the trinkets, finding them too gaudy or too garish until he noticed a small, simple silver angel. He looked at it closely, imagining putting it on a chain around Paige's slim neck. It seems like the perfect thing to give to the woman I love, the one who's love likely saved my life.
He bought the item. "So, Spyder, is there a special boy that's getting you anything…"
"No! That's so…so…gross!" Spyder said, "I mean you getting all gaga eyed over Paige and everything…it's so warm and so mushy…ew…"
"The time will come Spyder…" Ted replied as he walked with Toad and Spyder, with his purchase in a small bag.
As Spyder stuck her tongue out at Ted, Toad smiled to himself. Shit, I can't think of what to get Al for Christmas. I feel the same way towards her that Ted feels towards Paige, probably even more.
---
Lance walked through the mall. He needed some alone time, time to think. He and Kitty had gotten closer since the Facility Kronos incident and she had been willing to go out on the occasional date. He wasn't sure what they were right now, but he knew that 'just friends' wasn't going to cut it. He'd already bought Spyder's gift, that was easy enough for a girl he considered his baby sister. She probably was gonna proclaim to God and all his angels that she disliked 'girly things' but in all reality be secretly pleased.
He glanced around the various shops. Nah, Victoria's Secret is too Boyfriend-Girlfriend, and I don't think Kitty and I are there just yet. Gift Certificates are the cheap way out...
He noticed a cookbook at the Borders: The Complete Idiot's Guide to Cooking? Nah, Kitty would kill me if I gave her that. Lord knows she could use it though.
"Maybe you should get her something from Victoria's Secret..." Mischief, one of Lance's Three Coyotes, said.
"Oh no, not you again!" Lance groaned.
"Yeah," Guile said, "But I didn't think Victoria's Secret made training bras..."
"DIE!" Lance shouted and lunged for at Guile, only to run smack into a concrete column. Head first.
"Ow..." Lance groaned.
"There you are?" Ted replied, "I was looking all over for you..."
"Ahem..." Spyder said.
"Excuse me, we've been looking all over for you." Ted replied, "Did you find a gift for Kitty?"
"Did you find one for Paige?" Lance countered.
"Yeah." Ted replied, smiling.
"What did you get her?" Lance asked.
"I got her a little silver angel." Ted replied, "It's a symbol of how much she means to me, how she's my angel..."
"Kitty and I aren't really at that level." Lance began, "I'm at a loss at what to get her."
"Are you sure it wouldn't be a bad idea to get her something to show her what she means to you?" Ted replied.
"Yeah, you two've been getting pretty close, especially after you guys came back from Facility Kronos." Toad replied.
"We'll wait for you." Ted replied, "Take as much time as you need."
Lance headed for Hallmark first, buying a card and as he was paying for it he noticed a stuffed penguin.
"Hey, could I get that too?" Lance asked.
The clerk handed him the stuffed penguin. No harm ever came from a penguin shaped plush toy...Lance thought. Little did he realize how wrong he was…
---
"Still working on your list Paige?" Phoebe asked.
"Just one more item on my list." Paige replied.
"For Ted?" Phoebe said, "I figure it'd be easy, I mean you've been seeing him for a while now..."
"Yeah, but for some reason I'm drawing a blank on what to get him." Paige replied.
"Its not like that's hard." Phoebe said, "Ted's not a very materialistic guy."
"But I'm trying to figure something special to get him." Paige replied before stopping in mid-step, "I've got it..."
"What is it?" Phoebe said.
"You'll see." Paige replied, as she rushed down the hallway.
"I've got weird sisters." Phoebe mused.
"You can say that again." The Coyote said.
"The Coyote again?" Piper said as she walked by with Wyatt toddling beside her and Chris on her hip. Phoebe nodded..
"Yeah, I hope that's the only Misfit visitor, other than Ted that we get this year..." Piper replied.
"Relax, other than Ted, I'm sure the Misfits and X-men will be too busy driving each other crazy on Christmas to bother us..." Phoebe replied.
"I'll hold you to that Phoebe."
---
"Silent Night...Holy Night...Drink and fight...Drink and fight..." Polly flapped around as he and Shipwreck were taking hits from the eggnog.
"Shipwreck, just how much did you spike the eggnog?" Roadblock groaned, already feeling a headache coming on.
"Maybe a little, maybe a lot." Shipwreck replied.
"Christmas dinner hasn't even started yet, can you not go five minutes without boozing it up..." Roadblock asked, "Without imbibing in the beverage, cup after cup."
"This is Shipwreck we're talking about..." Cover Girl said, before spotting Mountaineer about to activate his Mass Device watch, "And stick around for dinner before you sneak off to the Halliwells..."
"I was trying to avoid the insanity, before the kids decided to follow me to San Francisco..." Ted replied.
"Ar har har har!!" The Pirates chanted as they fired a makeshift cannon out of the window.
"If I hear the Pirate 12 Days of Christmas again I'll go nuts." Ted replied.
"On the first day of Christmas Davy Jones gave to me...A Cursed Treasure Chest Under the Sea!!!" Jack Sparrow and the Pirates sang out, in company with a badly out of tune piano.
"I hear you there..." Cover Girl said, "But for the sake of the kids, please stick around and quit disappearing every fifteen minutes."
"OK..." Ted replied.
"On the second day of Christmas Davy Jones gave two me...two rusty sabers and .A Cursed Treasure Chest Under the Sea..."
Shipwreck rang the dinner bell just then, hollering, "KIDS! DINNER'S READY!!!"
"Bagga whee!!!! Daddy!!!" Claudius shouted, from Mr. Incredible's lap.
"Not one word Truscott..." Mr. Incredible said, he was wearing a Santa Claus outfit while the Australian ACME operative was trying to restrain his laughter.
Helen Parr was trying to keep her husband from bashing in the skull of said Australian.
"I do admit that is a rather fitting outfit..." Bluey Truscott remarked.
"TRINITY, GET YOUR BROTHER OUT OF THE DISHWASHER!!!!" Shipwreck shouted.
"On the third day of Christmas Davy Jones gave to me...three pistol balls, two rusty sabers, and a Cursed Treasure Chest Under the Sea." The Pirates sang out, to several shots of rum and pistols being fired into the air.
"This is getting bad..." Roadblock began.
"Where's Avalanche?" Lowlight asked and then glared at Ted.
"Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! You can't blame this on me!!!" Ted shouted back.
"Well," Spirit said, "The boy does follow a lot of what you do...Namely disappearing every chance he gets."
"Like you guys are any better as role models!" Ted replied, "Shipwreck drinking, Cover Girl getting in fights with lingerie models, Blind Master and Sands calling the Party Line, Shipwreck looking at every porn site imaginable..."
"Look, we all need to be better role models for the kids so they don't get worse than..." Cover Girl began.
BOOM!!!
"On the fourth day of Christmas Davy Jones gave to me...four eyepatches, three pistol balls, two rusty sabers, and A Cursed Treasure Chest Under the Sea." The pirates sang as they fired their makeshift cannon again, launching a bowling ball right into Beach Head's window.
As the group went to contain the chaos Ted touched his communication device and disappeared.
---
"Ted!" Paige yelped with surprise, "You're early."
"How early is early?" Ted replied.
"Nevermind, I am happy to see you." Paige replied.
"Merry Christmas honey." Ted replied, kissing her quickly.
"I was so worried that they'd call you up after what I saw on the news about the Omnidroid and how Israel's calling up reservists..." Paige replied.
"It could still happen, and its not like my life with G.I. Joe is any more or less dangerous." Ted replied, holding her close.
CNN showed several Israeli soldiers assembling in formation on the TV that was still on. The scene shifted to a formation of Israeli F-15C Eagles flying over Israeli airspace. The scene shifted again to the devastation of the Iranian city of Bandar Abbas with the death toll on the screen(1).
"Can we turn that off?" Ted replied, "There's been nothing but discussions about that for weeks at the Pit."
"Sure." Paige replied, "It's too depressing for Christmas anyway."
Piper and Leo were in the kitchen, getting dinner ready. "Mind if I help?" Ted asked.
"Don't try," Paige replied, "Piper's pretty much put a force field around the kitchen..."
"She's got a new power?" Ted replied, with a raised eyebrow, "Since when did she become Violet Parr?"
"Speaking of which, how are the Parrs enjoying their first Christmas?" Paige asked.
"As much as they can at Misfit Manor, what with the insanity, Mr. Incredible in a Santa Claus outfit, and the Pirate Twelve Days of Christmas." Ted replied, "That's why I cut out early."
"Phoebe's been complaining about the coyotes singing novelty Christmas songs again." Paige replied.
"Well, I hope that's all the insanity that'll hit us." Ted replied, pressing his gift into Paige's hand, "I know we're supposed to open our gifts later, but I wanted to be alone with you before giving you this."
Paige opened the wrapping and opened the small box to see a small silver angel. "It's beautiful..."
"I saw it and it reminded me of you." Ted replied, "How you've been my angel."
"That is so sweet..." Paige began, "though I'm just me..."
"No, even if you weren't a witch or a Whitelighter, you'd still be my angel. Almost too good to be true." Ted replied, "Seriously..."
"Ted?" Paige began.
"If I hadn't met you, there's a good chance I would have put a round through my own head because of what I saw when I was with YAMAS." Ted replied, "You're the real gift this season for me..."
Paige sniffled slightly, a tear appearing in her eye. Ted gently wiped it away. "I got you something..." Paige replied and handed him a framed picture, "I didn't have time to wrap it because you just appeared and I just orbed over here after seeing a charge."
Ted looked at it. It was a framed photograph of several Israeli soldiers facing the Wailing Wall of the Temple of Jerusalem. In Hebrew it had some writing with an English translation saying in bold letters: He Who Blessed Our Forefathers Abraham, Issac, and Jacob May He Bless The Soldiers of Israel. Below it there was a small, handwritten message: Especially MY Israeli Soldier.
Ted smiled as he and Paige headed for the dining room for Christmas dinner. It was sometime later that a thought entered his mind. I could definitely see myself spending the rest of my life with this woman. I want to spend the rest of my life with this woman. Ted thought.
---
"Lance..." Kitty said, surprised. She had gone outside to get away from all the insanity going on inside the Manor. It all started when Multiple spilled the beans on one of Bobby's pranks to X-23 which resulted in Bobby chasing Multiple and X-23 chasing both of them.
Then Lockheed chose to harass Prometheus some more.
"Hey." Lance said, soberly.
"What are you doing here?" Kitty asked.
"I just wanted to give you my Christmas present." Lance said, taking a small wrapped gift.
Kitty looked at the ground, guiltily, "I'm so sorry I didn't get you anything..."
"It's OK." Lance replied, "Look, I don't know what we are or aren't right now, but know that I still love you..."
"Lance..." Kitty said, "I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I need some space..."
Lance looked devastated, "I know, you need to figure things out right now and I'll give you that space, but you'll always have a place in my heart. That's what the gift is for."
Kitty unwrapped the gift. It was the stuffed penguin.
"Yeah, I figured I'd get you a stuffed penguin, instead of the live one..." Lance replied, with a slight smile, "After all Everybody Loves Penguins."
Kitty smiled back, "It's cute."
"It's neutral, it's harmless, it's almost purely platonic." Lance replied, "And it doesn't cause nearly as much devastation or damage."
"It's so beautiful out here." Kitty remarked as they stared out over the white blanketed landscape.
"I know." Lance said, stepping close to Kitty, "Almost makes you forget all that crap that's happening out there."
"There's like no-one out here." Kitty remarked.
"There are all kinds of little footprints around though." Lance said, "Spirit taught me about animal tracking...There are birds, squirrels, rabbits, and even dog tracks..."
Lance rolled his eyes, "I should've known I picked up a hitch hiker..."
"Woo woo woo woo woo..." Klondike said as he appeared from around the corner.
"He's a Husky, meaning he loves chasing animals all over the place..." Lance replied.
"Woo woo woo woo!!!" Klondike began as he started chasing Prometheus around the snow covered yard with Lockheed flying alongside him.
BOOM!
"Lightning?" Kitty said, "There's no lightning forecasted for to-..." Kitty began as Lance came to the same conclusion.
"What...oh no..." Lance said, "Shipwreck must be over here again..."
"YEOW WOW OW!!" Shipwreck shouted.
"On the fifth day of Christmas Davy Jones sent to me...FIVE CANNON BALLS... four eyepatches, three pistol balls, two rusty sabers, and A Cursed Treasure Chest Under the Sea." The Pirates all sang.
"Great, the Pirates hitchhiked with Shipwreck over here too," Lance groaned.
"On the sixth day of Christmas Davy Jones sent to me six dice a'rattlin...FIVE CANNON BALLS...four eyepatches, three pistol balls, two rusty sabers, and A Cursed Treasure Chest Under the Sea." The Pirates sang out.
BOOM! "GET AWAY FROM MY ROOM YOU MANIACS!!!!" Tabitha shouted, as she threw bombs at Bobby and one of the Pirates.
"On the seventh day of Christmas Davy Jones sent to me seven kegs of rum, six dice a'rattlin...FIVE CANNON BALLS...four eyepatches, three pistol balls, two rusty sabers, and A Cursed Treasure Chest Under the Sea." The Pirates sang back out.
Kitty rolled her eyes, "Come on, Lance, you know the drill..."
"Find the safest, most easily defensible location with the best view possible to watch and record the ensuing chaos?" Lance said.
Kitty glared at him, "No, silly, we've got to contain..."
"You contain that?" Lance said, incredulous as Shipwreck was propelled out of the third story window by a gale force wind and into the top of a very high tree where he was promptly struck by another lightning bolt.
"Lance..." Kitty said.
"OW! OW! OW!!!" Bobby shouted as Tabitha chased him with lightning bolts.
"OOOHH OWWWWW!!!!" Shipwreck shouted again.
"BAGA WHEEE!!!" Claudius and Barney shouted with Toad and Althea chasing them.
"You're right, Lance we should just let this fire burn itself out..." Kitty said.
---
Christmas at the Halliwell Manor was a pleasing thing. "Ted, are you sure this is an appropriate gift?" Piper said, holding up a massive Worst Case Scenario book.
"Yeah, I even added some X-men, Misfit edits." Ted replied.
"I see the section for Lance and Coyotes is in there." Piper mused.
"Israelis are by nature practical." Ted replied.
"Ted, you're Canadian." Paige replied.
"Yes, but I'm an Israeli soldier." Ted replied, "And I'm a naturalized Israeli citizen."
Piper was about to reply when there was another loud bang. "That sounds like..."
"An explosion!" Ted began, "Great..."
Piper looked like she was about to explode herself when Paige stepped in, "Piper, it's Christmas, maybe you should be a little more peaceful..."
Outside the Halliwell Manor were several Misfits and X-men fighting, arguing, drinking and making noise. Piper, Phoebe, Paige, Leo and Ted raced outside trying to make peace with the arguing factions. The arguing festivities rolled into the Halliwell Manor...
"On the eighth day of Christmas Davy Jones gave to me...eight sharks a swimming, seven kegs of rum, six dice a'rattlin...FIVE CANNON BALLS...four eyepatches, three pistol balls, two rusty sabers, and A Cursed Treasure Chest Under the Sea."
"You have to admit, a novelty Christmas song certainly adds something to the holiday." Lance mused.
"Insanity and lawsuits most likely." Kitty said, "Again, I thought the penguin was so cute and..."
"Wak! Wak!"
"OWWW!!!" Kurt yelped as the penguin clung to his tail.
"Great, the psycho penguin stalker's escaped from the aquarium again." Rogue groaned.
"On the ninth day of Christmas Davy Jones gave to me...nine sharp daggers, eight swimming sharks, seven kegs of rum, six dice a'rattlin...FIVE CANNON BALLS...four eyepatches, three pistol balls, two rusty sabers, and A Cursed Treasure Chest Under the Sea."
"How long have the Pirates been writing that song again?" Fred asked.
"I have no idea..." Will Turner said, "But Jack and the whole gang have been into it all day."
"JACK JACK! STOP, NO TURNING INTO A PINCUSHION!!" Violet shouted as her baby brother toddled up Pietro and turned into a pincushion.
Pietro went to sit down on the sofa only to sit on Jack Jack in his pincushion form.
"OWWWWW!! OW!!! OWWW!!!" Pietro screamed like a little girl.
"I notice that Incredi-Baby really seems to love torturing Pietro." Toad mused.
Althea said, "Who doesn't enjoy Pietro getting humiliated or hurt..."
Dash stood there laughing.
"DASHIEL ROBERT PARR! STOP THAT LAUGHING THIS INSTANT AND HELP PIETRO!" Elastigirl demanded, "BOB QUIT CHASING TRUSCOTT AROUND WITH THAT LOG!!!"
"WILL SOMEONE GET THIS CRAZY WITCH AWAY FROM ME!!" Ted shouted as Piper chased him, creating airbursts close to him.
"Piper! It's not Ted's fault the Misfits and X-men showed up! Will you stop blaming him for these things." Paige shouted, grabbing her sister's arm, trying to keep the eldest Halliwell from homicide.
"Whoa! Someone really spiced the Eggnog!" Lowlight said as he staggered around the kitchen.
"Lowlight, that's non-alcoholic eggnog." Phoebe said, raising an eyebrow.
"I'd better stop Piper before she blows Ted apart." Leo said.
"So much for quiet, peaceful holiday." Lance groaned.
"Oh what the heck, I'll take it anyway..." The Coyote said, and lifted a glass of vodka spiked eggnog, "Cheers."
"On the Tenth Day of Christmas Davy Jones gave to me...Ten krakens cracking, nine sharp daggers, eight swimming sharks, seven kegs of rum, six dice a'rattlin...FIVE CANNON BALLS...four eyepatches, three pistol balls, two rusty sabers, and A Cursed Treasure Chest Under the Sea." The Pirates sang.
Klondike was barking and wooing as he, Lockheed, and Polly chased Prometheus around the house.
"On the eleventh day of Christmas Davy Jones gave to me...eleven parrots drinking, ten krakens cracking, nine sharp daggers, eight swimming sharks, seven kegs of rum, six dice a'rattlin...FIVE CANNON BALLS...four eyepatches, three pistol balls, two rusty sabers, and A Cursed Treasure Chest Under the Sea." The Pirates sang.
"I hate the Mass Device. I really hate the Mass Device..." Piper grumbled.
"Honey, it's Christmas..." Leo began.
"On the twelfth day of Christmas Davy Jones gave to me...twelve peg legs, eleven parrots drinking, ten krakens cracking, nine sharp daggers, eight swimming sharks, seven kegs of rum, six dice a'rattlin...FIVE CANNON BALLS...four eyepatches, three pistol balls, two rusty sabers, and A Cursed Treasure Chest Under the Sea." The Pirates sang.
"Whoever wrote the saying Peace on Earth obviously never met the Misfits, the X-men, or the Pirates..." Piper groaned.
---
BELATED MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR.
1. See G.I. Joe fanfic: The Badger.