A/N: Hi! This is going to be a collection of short stories showcasing the many deaths I have, or will have concocted for the evil Professor Umbridge. It contains many spoilers for Book Five, Order of the Phoenix, so if you haven't read that yet and don't want anything to spoil it for you, then you may not want to read any further. I never thought there would be a character I hated more than Professor Snape (besides Voldemort, of course), but…now there is! This fic is meant to be funny, and there really isn't a serious piece in it, at least not at this point. Anyways, I hope you enjoy, but regardless of love or hate, I want reviews!!
This fic may seem strange for the simple reason that it was originally written, and will be entered in the Gryffindor Tower "There Are Worse Things Than Death" contest and they have…some very strange rules that must be included. Such as the "Peanut Butter Jelly Time" thing, as well as the "S'up Figgy" thing and the "Sassy" thing. Okay, I hope you like it!
Disclaimer: The characters in this fic are all owned by J.K. Rowling and no copyright infringement, or anything else, is intended. Trust me, if I made any money off it I would give it to J.K. Rowling because….well….she deserves it for creating the Harry Potter universe.
Harry stuffed the last book into place in the Room of Requirement, heaving a sigh of relief. The DA meeting had run late again because Zacharias Smith had misdirected his expelliarmus spell, which had resulted in the upheaval of a heavy wooden bookcase.
"The git," grumbled Ron, "I notice he isn't here cleaning up like a bloody house elf!"
"Ron," Hermione said, exasperation evident in her voice, "it isn't like you had to do much actual work."
Ron glared at her.
Harry rolled his eyes. Hermione's and Ron's sniping at each other had been getting steadily worse. "Let's just go. We're out of bounds anyways."
He checked the marauders map for teachers before throwing the invisibility cloak over the three of them and stepping out into the hall. They crept along the deserted corridor, squeezed tightly together, Ron crouching so as to allow the cloak to cover the three of them.
Harry's nose was twitching; a horrible smell was inundating the stale air trapped inside the cloak.
"Do you guys smell that?" he asked in a near whisper.
"Smell what?" Ron and Hermione whispered in unison.
"I don't know what it is. I've never smelled anything like it before." He sniffed again.
"Oh, I think it's the perfume Ron gave me for Christmas. It smells quite. . .good, don't you think?" Hermione answered in a somewhat desperate voice.
"Er. . .yeah. It does." Harry answered, not daring to meet her eyes for fear he would burst out laughing. He could tell Hermione hated the perfume but was wearing it to please Ron.
Ron leaned closer to Hermione sniffing. "It's supposed to be lavender." He said doubtfully, sniffing again.
"Lavender is my favorite scent." Hermione lied loyally. "Thank you, Ron."
Ron beamed at her.
"Stop! D'you hear something?" Harry asked.
They stopped, listening intently. An odd screeching noise could be heard coming from the other end of the hallway.
"Let's go see what's happening." Harry whispered, starting forward again.
"Are you sure that's a good idea? We really shouldn't be caught out of bed after hours. What if Professor Umbridge catches us? Especially you, Harry."
"That's why you wanted me to start carrying the invisibility cloak to our meetings, in case something like that happens. Come on!"
They tiptoed silently down the hall, where the noises were becoming louder, until it became apparent that it was accompanying music.
"It's coming from Professor Umbridge's office." Hermione breathed.
They crept forward, peering around the corner into the office, where a strange sight met their eyes.
Professor Umbridge was listening to the WWN, dancing around her office and singing along to the music.
Hermione clapped her hands over her mouth to stifle her giggles, while Ron made an odd choking sound.
Harry was unwillingly mesmerized, wanting to look away but was held by the horrific sight, much as you would be at the scene of a terrible murder.
The songs changed and a remake of a popular muggle song came on, sang by famous rap wizard Figgy Newton. Professor Umbridge immediately began singing along with the lyrics.
S'up Figgy? You got the time?
Do I got the time?
Yeah, I got the time
It's peanut butter jelly time!!
Peanut butter jelly time!
Peanut butter jelly
Peanut butter jelly
It's peanut butter jelly time!
It's peanut butter jelly time!
Professor Umbridge launched herself around the room, using her awful pink cardigan as if it were a feathered boa instead.
"This is perfect." Ron gasped gleefully, struggling to suppress his laughter. "Hermione, can you. . ."
But Hermione had already thought of it and was smiling mischievously. She pulled her wand out of her robes and muttered something under her breath, giving a tricky little wave as she did so.
Immediately, Professor Umbridge's croaky frog voice was magnified one hundred times its usual volume.
PEANUT BUTTER JELLY!
PEANUT BUTTER JELLY!
Hermione tugged at Harry's and Ron's arms, pulling them away from the fascinating vision.
"Come on, if she catches us we're all dead!"
They immediately took off running towards the staircase leading up to the portrait of the fat lady, hearing a screech of rage behind them. Unfortunately, Harry's invisibility cloak flew off of them as they ran. He turned back to get it, and his blood ran cold. Behind him, Ron and Hermione had veered around a corner, crashing into Mr. Filch.
"I've caught you now! Trouble makers, the lot of you. I'll have you expelled I will!" he wheezed gleefully, rubbing his calloused hands together. "Students out of bed, causing trouble and filth. I'm going straight to the Headmaster."
Harry hurriedly stuffed the invisibility cloak inside his robes before turning around, unwilling to allow it to be confiscated.
Harry, Ron and Hermione exchanged nervous glances. What would happen when Mr. Filch informed Umbridge that they had been out of bed? Would she attempt to use veritaserum on them as she had once tried to use it on Harry?
"Hem hem."
With a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach, Harry turned around, as did Ron and Hermione.
"Argus, I see you caught some students out of bed. And prefects too!" She clicked her tongue in an obviously fake disappointed manner. "I'll handle things from here Argus, thank you."
She waited until he had reluctantly ambled out of sight. "As for you, Ms. Granger, Mr. Weasley, I think the loss of your badges should be punishment enough. After all, how can we expect you to enforce rules when you break them yourselves? And you Mr. Potter, you have been constant trouble since the day you have arrived at this school. I think we shall have to expel you."
"Expel me?" gasped Harry disbelievingly.
"Yes. Maybe this will work since nothing else has. You have had to do lines; you have been banned from quidditch. I must admit that I am quite at a loss as to how to deal with your obvious disregard for rules." Professor Umbridge purred in mock regret.
"Hem hem."
Professor Umbridge whirled around to face Professor McGonagall.
"Yes Minerva?" said Professor Umbridge sweetly, although it looked as if she were grinding her teeth.
"There will be no expelling of students tonight, Dolores." Professor McGonagall answered just as sweetly. "These students have been in my office, and are out of bed on my orders."
"Well, Minerva, be that as it may, these students have performed magic in the corridors, which is against the rules, unless that was by your order also?"
"And you can prove, of course, that these students performed magic?"
"Of course I can. These were the only students out of bed, and in this corridor. Not only did they perform magic in the corridors, but they spied on me in my private office, and sought to publicly embarrass me. I can't allow students to undermine my authority this way. Nor can I allow you to undermine my authority. You are hereby placed on probation by me, Hogwarts High Inquisitor."
Professor McGonagall pressed her thin lips together, a muscle ticking in her cheek.
Harry, Ron and Hermione watched, fascinated. They had never seen Professor McGonagall so angry before. She looked as if she were about to explode.
And then she did.
"I HAVE HAD ENOUGH," She bit out, whipping her wand out of her robes, "OF YOU!"
Professor Umbridge's eyes bulged out in fear. Professor McGonagall rapped her co-worker hard on the head with her wand and Professor Umbridge disappeared with a loud crack.
Professor McGonagall stared hard at the ground, breathing hard.
Harry followed her gaze and saw that where Professor Umbridge had stood only a moment ago, there was a large cockroach scuttling around in circles.
CRUNCH!
Professor McGonagall had brought her foot down on top of it as hard as she could.
There was a very long, amazed silence, and then, "Ten points from Gryffindor. Students should not be out of bed under any circumstances whatsoever. Beds. . .now!"
The trio, still goggling at each other, hurried off to Gryffindor Tower.
*~*
The next morning, Harry, Ron and Hermione were sitting in the Great Hall eating breakfast and listening to the hushed buzz of students discussing Professor Umbridge's disturbing performance of the night before and subsequent absence from the staff table.
They weren't speaking amongst themselves, but were instead listening anxiously to find out what was going to happen, if anything, to Professor McGonagall for her actions of the night before.
The door at the far end of the Great Hall opened and Dumbledore entered, followed closely by none other than Professor McGonagall.
Harry could have sworn that Professor McGonagall gave him a small wink as she sat down.
Dumbledore remained standing and silence fell over the Great Hall.
"Until further notice, all Defense Against the Dark Arts classes have been canceled, due to the tragic demise of Professor Umbridge. Apparently, she attempted to transform herself into a cockroach and was accidentally squashed." Dumbledore bowed his head, looking as though he were trying to hold back some emotion that Harry strongly suspected was laughter.
Complete silence met this announcement. The students could not decide if this announcement was meant to be met with riotous applause or sincere mourning.
After a moment, the Headmaster seemed to regain his composure and looked around the Great Hall again. "And now, it is time to eat!" and with that he sat down and the tables became laden with food.
"Excellent!" His voice carried across the room. "It's peanut butter jelly time!"
The sounds of hundreds of sniggering students filled the Great Hall.
*~*
While Harry was finishing up his fourth peanut butter and jelly sandwich, Ginny flopped down into a chair beside Hermione, looking irritated.
"What's got you in a snit, Gin?" asked Ron through a mouthful of eggs.
"Nothing!" she snapped, folding her arms protectively around her chest and glaring around the table at everyone, daring them to dispute this.
Harry quickly absorbed himself in his sandwich, clearly unwilling to become the target of Ginny's displeasure.
"Hi Harry." Cho had separated herself from her usual gaggle of friends. She sounded as if she had a bad head cold.
"Cho. . ."
"I know I've been a prat lately, Harry, and I'm really, really sorry." she broke off with a sniffle.
Ginny snorted.
Cho glanced at her before continuing.
"Anyways, I would really like to try another Hogsmeade visit with you again. I mean, if you want to." She rushed out, her cheeks turning pinkish.
Ginny snorted again.
Cho looked at her uncertainly. "Is something wrong?"
"If you like him, be with him. But stop crying all the time. It's annoying, and your making Harry feel even worse than he already does because of Cedric's death."
Cho's eyes filled with tears, but she decided to pretend Ginny wasn't there.
"So, what do you say Harry? Would you. . .like to go to Hogsmeade together next time."
But Harry didn't answer. He was staring at Ginny with a look of confusion on his face, as if he were just noticing her for the first time.
Then he shook himself and looked back up at Cho. "No, that's okay. You go ahead."
I would rather be with someone else, he thought, grinning.
Cho snorted and stomped off sulkily. Ginny stared daggers at her back.
"Sassy!" said Fred and George, high-fiving Ginny as they passed.
Alright, please review and I'll be working on another horrible death for our least favorite character!