Middle-Earth was changing: some things that should not be were, and other things were that should be were not. In the place called Rivendell, the Council of Elrond sat gathered in debate, one which could determine the fate of Middle-Earth.

"We cannot harness this power," protested a wide-eyed Legolas. "You were not there, when I was attacked by the fans..."

"We have no choice," countered Gandalf. "I want no more to make alliance with them than you do. I understand why you especially are hesitant." He paused a bit. "But without the Two, we have no chance against the otherworldly invasion." The wizard gestured to a pair of impossibly attractive teenagers sitting in the center of the circle.

Elrond stood and addressed everyone. "I am sure you are all familiar with the tale of Mary Sue and Gary Stu. At first, there were only a few, lusting after Legolas or Arwen and slaying Saurman and Sauron with ease. Then, in time, the Sues and Stus became more numerous, outnumbering and outshining us canon characters. Ilúvatar saw this, and it was not good. He smote all the Avatars save these two."

"Elvish lies," grunted Gimli Glorin's son. "Everyone knows the sues became extinct through natural selection when Legolas wouldn't mate with them."

"Excuse me," interrupted the raven-haired teenage boy. "Are we done with this boring talking? I want to go kill something and reclaim my title as King of Barad-dûr."

"Barad-dûr?" repeated Elrond. "That's the Elvish name for..."

"Okay, okay, I admit it." Gary Stu waved his hands back and forth. "I just saw the name on the map, but it sounded cool."

"I want to stab something will my cool sword," said Mary Sue as she unsheathed a broadsword nearly as long as she was tall.

"But that's a broadsword, not a pike," corrected Aragorn. "One does not stab..." He reminded himself yet again of who he was talking to. "Nevermind."

"Normal," began Elrond. "we would not cooperate with Sues such as yourselves. However, a greater evil has arisen, forcing us to side with the lesser of the two evils."

"So what's this evil?" Mary Sue twirled her golden hair. "Sauron?"

"No, an evil beyond Sauron. It overthrew Him and took His place as Dark Lord."

"Morgoth?" guessed Gary Stu as he flipped through his new copy of Canon for Dummies.

"No."

"Voldemorte?" guessed Mary Sue.

Elrond cringed. "No."

"The Angerthas!" shouted Gary Stu as his finger landed on something else in the canon guidebook. Mary Sue scooted over beside Gary Stu and joined in guessing.

"Glorfindel!" was her first guess.

"Smaug!"

"Oliphaunts!"

"Gil-Galad!"

"Narsil!"

"Samwise Gamgee!"

There was a huge crash of thunder. Surrounded by whirling mass of gray, Gandalf towered over the mere mortals. "Impertinent fools! I, Gandalf, will knock you all down!" The energy dissipated, and Gandalf was left looking strangely weak. "It's already starting... I must go rest."

As Gandalf walked away, Elrond began speaking. "You just heard it, what Gandalf said. We are battling a force known as Engrish. It affects all manner of speech and writing, turning it all into pathetic phrases like 'I will knock you all down.' "

"What must we do?" asked Mary Sue as she batted her eyelashes. Having trained to resist Mary Sues, Elrond continued. She was six-and-a-half thousand years too young for him anyway. Then again, his own daughter married a Man she was three hundred times older than, so who was he to judge?

"You must destroy all Engrish," commanded Elrond, "by slaying the four Engrish commanders, the Transrators. Doing so will free Middle-Earth."

"Great!" yelled Mary Sue. "Who's going with us?"

"Only characters that appeared in the movies are affected. Therefore, the third Istari in Middle-Earth will be your guide."

One of the people sitting in the circle that the two had not noticed before stood up. He looked like Gandalf somewhat, having the form of an old Man, except his robes were a ruddy brown color. "My name is Radagast the Brown," said the wizard.

"Excuse me?" said Gary Sue indignantly. "We get some Gandalf wannabe?"

"He is the fourth most powerful being in Middle-Earth," said Elrond with a hint of anger.

Gary Stu shrugged. "Can't we get Galadriel? She has all sorts of power, plus she's hot."

Arwen shot Gary Stu a glance. "You're talking about my grandmother."

"Do we get any more guy besides old Rad here?" asked Mary Sue hopefully.

"Of course. The eldest being in Middle-Earth will join you in the Old Forest near the Shire, where you should make your way first."

And so the trio set off for the Shire, ready to fight the Engrish onslaught and make names for themselves as something other than an annoying original character or a pathetic wizard who likes to hang around birds.