Title: The Angelic Guide To Making Homies
authors note: once again beta read by obsession-rules-me because I am quite incapable of functioning without her people, seriously. This is dedicated to JustAnotherFangirl0212 because she said I made her squeal and I have never made someone squeal and now I'm kind of addicted, I covet the squeals muahahaha! Dear Dellie: I too have a jealousy problem, it's all good. This is a very cracky continuation of The Angelic Guide to getting Yo Man. If you haven't read that then I'm sorry you just aren't going to get it, I hope you enjoy though.
Disclaimer: *poutts* I don't wanna say it...*gets pinched* FINE! NONE OF IT"S MINE IT"S ALL KRIPKES!
Warnings: Alcohol and drug use, vast over use of the word fuck( oh there it goes again)
Deans never really thought of himself as the jealous type, he is a little weird about his car but that's a whole other issue we don't have time for. He was always really cool when guys would hit on Lisa, he is a confidant man after all and for good reason. Cas just tends to bring out things in Dean that aren't really 'normal' him behavior and it's not like he has a problem with Cas having friends. Friends are great, Sam and Cas are friends and sometimes Dean is more than happy to sit back while they nerd out together, it's kind of nice honestly. He just doesn't get why Cas insists on being friends with her of all people, the only other being alive to have ever kissed Cas, touched Cas in that not-just-friends way. Whenever he sees them together the sight of her grinding on Cas on the dance floor flashes through his mind. So yeah, Dean's cool with friends, just not Cas' choice of friends.
Cas is around a lot now that him and Dean are 'a thing' or whatever. They haven't exactly picked out matching rings yet but Dean's cool with that they are indeed 'a thing' now, as Sam puts it. The word couple still squiks Dean out a little and don't even say the word 'boyfriends' around him but it kind of bothers Cas too so Dean figures they're cool. They would be a lot cooler though if lately every time Cas popped into Dean's space Elly wasn't right behind him looking around like it was the last place she wanted to be. Which, okay sure, that might be because Dean isn't exactly nice to her. After the first few times of trying to initiate conversations with Dean and getting shot with rock salt or splashed with bourbon she just tends to sit around with head phones on and linger around Cas. When they go out on hunts she comes with, the bitch is useful Dean has to admit but he will never say it out loud. Seriously, try and make him, see what happens.
Sam tried being nice to her, much to Deans annoyance, but every time he talks directly to the angel she poofs off like Sam's got demon cooties still. Dean gets the guy is annoying but that's just messed up, man. Dean's the only person allowed to be mean to Sam, damnit.
They're on a hunt and Sam's at the library, probably all day knowing what a weird nerd he is. Dean's just finished trying to get coherent answers from the mourning widow, who wasn't so much mourning as trying to get into Dean's suit pants. Dean couldn't even flirt back to get answers like he usually would either, it's like when he flirts Cas can smell it on him. Even though he never says anything Dean gets the 'I'm so disappointed Dean' bitch face. Dean is going to change his mind about Sam and Cas being allowed to be friends if Sam is going to teach him un-cool shit like that, by the way.
The point is that Dean is tired and really wants to shower the desperation and whore smell off him when he gets back to the motel room. That's why he is more pissed then usual to find Elly lounging on his bed in the motel with her head phones blaring what Dean recognizes as Last Caress by Metallica. She has damn good taste in music and that's just another thing Dean is going to stick in the 'never out loud' corner of his brain.
"What the hell are you doing here? Where is Cas? GET OFF MY BED BITCH!" It all spills out of Dean in a ramble. He is tired damnit and so not in the mood to put up with some angelic boyfriend thieving, that word is going right in the corner too, thank you very much, bitch when Cas isn't even around to grope to make her more tolerable.
Elly pops out the ear buds and sighs like Dean is the one making her day worse.
"You have serious anger issues dude. Cas is at the library having nerdgasms with your brother and they're gonna be there for a while so I figured now's as good a time as any for us to get to know each other."
Dean's eye, honest to god, fucking twitches, "Okay first of all never say 'Sam and Cas' in the same sentence as 'gasm' ever again, second, we don't need to 'get to know each other' and last get off my bed. I'm not gonna ask nice again." He growls before storming into the bathroom and he doesn't know if she listens or not because he slams the door behind him. Not the most mature response but hopefully it will get the message across.
The shower feels awesome and he feels a little bit calmer thanks to it. He is zipping up his jeans when he hears Enter Sandman coming from the room, making him storm out of the bathroom. There is an expensive looking stereo system that stands out insanely in the cheap motel room with Elly's iPod attached. Elly, Dean knows, can't make things appear out of nowhere like Gabriel could and he wonders for a second if she used her angel mojo to steal it from Best Buy. That probably freaked out more then a few mall workers, that's for sure.
Elly is thankfully off his bed and has moved to the small kitchen table, gloriously perched on the table in front of her is the biggest bottle of Jack Daniels that Dean has ever seen and a few cases of beer and, wow can angels even get high? Apparently they can because she is rolling a blunt while innocently bobbing her head and quietly mouthing along to the words of the song.
"I didn't take it from Best Buy, I took it from a guy named Todd from Piedmont North Dakota, he stole it from the store." She laughs before looking at Dean pointedly and then at the seat next to her at the table. Did she steal the pot from Todd too?
"Sit down Dean and make this as painless for both of us as possible, yeah?"
Dean wants to tell her to get out and take Todd's stereo (and probably his drugs) with her but he suspects she will take the whiskey and beer and it's been a long day so maybe a drink won't hurt. He plops down in the seat across the table with his best 'I hate you' look in place. She doesn't seem to care about the look because she pulls out two glasses and pours them both a large serving. They both shoot down the first drink in one swallow but she is a good bartender and they're glasses don't stay empty long. The whiskey is good and strong, warming Dean's body and relaxing his muscles. The song has changed now but it's another one Dean actually likes so he just lets the lyrics preoccupy him for a while. They sit in silence for two more glasses before she actually gets around to saying anything and honestly Dean really wishes she hadn't.
"Tell me Dean… Have you ever wanted Sam to… oh I don't know, bend you ever this table and take you like the freakishly big man he is?"
Somehow whenever this bitch is around Dean always ends wasting perfectly good alcohol on spit takes. "What the fuck is wrong with you lady?"
A cocky grin spread across Elly's face as she swallows down the last of her drink and pours another generous serving for them both before continuing. "You see, that's exactly how I feel every time you think I'm trying to fuck Cas. I don't exactly get along with most of my family, so you can see why you thinking I'm trying to bang the only one who does talk to me is kind of disturbing."
Dean's mind goes blank thanks to the massive amounts of brain bleach he is just poured because there is only so much room in his mind and that image? So not one he wants to keep.
"Did you just say 'bang?'" Dean snorts after getting his ability to verbalize his thoughts back.
"Would you prefer 'tap that ass?'" She smiles snidely and slides a beer across the table to Dean and when did he finish his other drink?
He is kind of surprised that her words are a little slurred, her posture is more relaxed as she leans back in the chair tipping it precariously on its back legs with her feet rested on the table. Dean contemplates pushing her over but takes a sip of his drink instead.
"You get drunk a lot faster than Cas." Is all he can really think to say at the moment. He isn't sure he likes it but now that she put it that way he can kind of get that she might, maybe not be trying to do Cas.
"We can choose to or not, you know. Cas is just a dick and likes to watch you guys struggle to keep up with him. I mean, yeah, it takes us a lot but we can make it easier." She laughs after an awkward pause.
"All of you angels really are dicks." Dean grumbles into his beer, not pouting, even drunk Dean doesn't pout damnit.
"Hey, is it true that you whacked Zachariah? Man, I gotta say I'm jealous. I've wanted to do that dill weed in for centuries." She smirks as she pours another round and Dean nods, suprised to find that he is actually kind of relaxed for the first time around an angel other than Cas.
They go on like that for a while exchanging stories and drinks. They both steadily get more and more trashed as the hour goes on. They actually kind of bond over , their mutual love of his cowboy boots, dislike for his new love interest and her stupid brain tumor.
"Hey, can I ask you something'?" Dean snorts after they both get over their laughing fits from Dean explaining what it was like to be stuck in the universe.
"Sure. Why not? I'm an open angelic book." Elly sighs as she rummages through her pockets for something.
"Why do you hate Sammy? Is it the demon blood thing? Cause he totally clean of any of that shit now." Dean must be drunker then he thought because that wasn't what he was going to ask but it seems like a legitimate question now that he has said it. Elly stops raiding her own pockets to look up at Dean, she has found, Dean notes, two lighters, a flask, a cell phone, a dart and something that looks like shriveled fruit that upon further inspection Dean is pretty sure is a shrunken head. She blinks a few times at him, her eyes widening to comic proportions as if she stares long enough Dean will take the question back.
"I am sure I do not know to what you are referring." She slurs after a few more seconds of desperate staring. Elly, apparently reverts to Cas-speak when uncomfortable.
"Dude, you poof away if he even looks at you too long. You're kinda giving the guy complex or something'." Dean grumbles, just now remembering that he had another reason for disliking the angel in front of him. Elly stalls by pulling her leather jacket off and pouring some more drinks before letting out a sigh that is probably the most girlish thing Dean's ever seen the angel do since that day at the bar.
"It's not the demon blood thing, I mean, yeah, that's icky but I've been around for a while, Dean. So believe me, I have seen grosser stuff. Have you heard of Sodom and Ghamorrah? Those people were freaks, like man I could tell you some shit. They used to do this thing with a donkey, a sheep, garlic and some olives that I thought was supposed to be food when they described it." Her eyes widen and she takes a big gulp of her drink." It wasn't food Dean, those people deserved to be turned into salt."
Deans drunken brain tries to imagine what exactly one does with all of those things that would disturb something as holy shit powerful as a angel before realizing he has been duped into a subject change.
"So what is it then?" He insists, Elly has a distant look on her face, similar to the ones battle hardened hunters get when they reminisce and Dean has to reach across the table and pinch her free hand before she snaps out of it with an 'eww '
"Oh right Sam, he is uhhh really tall and umm stuff. His hair is like stupid long. Whenever you say something dick weasel-y he looks like a kicked puppy, which is a lot, dude." Elly sighs, very pointedly looking at anywhere but Dean as she talks.
Deans first thought is 'dick weasel-y? What does that even mean?' Dean isn't always a dick, he totally forgave him for forgetting the pie yesterday, if that's not love Dean doesn't know what is. Dean decides to not linger on the fact Cas has forgotten the pie before as well and he never gets mad at Cas. He has more important things to think about, like that Cas' weird, might actually be kind of cool, angel buddy has a fatty crush on Sam.
Dean can't help but bust up laughing so hard he has to gasp for air after a while. Elly looks like she isn't amused at all but forgets she is mad it seems when she reaches behind her ear and remembers that is where she had hid her blunt earlier.
-toke-toke-glug-glug-XDD-
Sam knows that nothing good can come from a bored Dean being left alone in a motel room too long but what Cas and he had discovered while researching had just been too interesting to stop and they had both sort of lost track of time. They're first warning is the music playing from the motel room when they stop outside the door, if he stops and listens really closely he can make out the sound of two voices singing along. It is a Ludo song which is freaky weird because Dean doesn't even know who Ludo is and if he did he would probably hate them. Cas is obviously the braver of the two because he is the one who pushes open the door and steps in first.
"I want it with whip cream on it/ Baby gimmie gimmie gimmie your love/ Poundin the yager my breath and behavior have been driving the patrons away"
Elly is on Sam's bed doing what looks like a drunk version of the twist while singing into an empty beer bottle, she is barefoot and she is whipping around her wild curls all over the place. Dean is atop his own bed also trashed, why else would he be singing along while doing (Sam must admit) some pretty impressive air guitar. They either haven't noticed their arrival or don't care much because even after Sam loudly clears his throat they continue to rock out. The song ends and switches over to Enter Sandman which elicits enthusiastic cheers and Sam learns the beer bottles their holding aren't empty because they both almost fall off their respective stages clinking them together before chugging.
Dean sees them first and does what looks like a really painful face plant trying to get to them to glomp Cas. When he gets closer a weirdly familiar smell hits Sam but he can't quite place it.
"Cas! I missed you, man!" Dean slurs, good thing Cas is an angel too because Sam is sure that if he wasn't Sam would be accidentally suffocating the poor angel.
"Hello Dean." Cas replies, like Dean isn't completely gone. Elly personally doesn't care they are there apparently and just continues screaming along to Metallica.
Cas finally manages to unglue Dean from him and looks Dean deeply into his eyes. Which isn't really out of the ordinary for them but Cas' stare is less intense soul stare and more judging boyfriend. Yes, Sam calls Cas Dean's boyfriend and Dean can deal with it.
"Dean are you intoxicated?" Cas asks gravely and gets a sheepish yet somehow still rakish smile from Dean. How does he do that? Sam wonders to himself as Cas melts under the intensity that is the Winchester charm.
The song is over, meaning that Elly is free to acknowledge their presence and to Sam's shock doesn't fly away in horror when she sees him looking at her but instead blushes a deep shade of red and giggles.
"Hi ya, Sammy Sam!" She waves from his bed.
Sam can't even try to translate what any of that means though because Dean is suddenly hugging him and ranting something about a weasels dick and how he is so glad Sam is back now.
"I'm an angel with a shotgun (shotgun, shotgun)/ An angel with a shotgun (shotgun, shotgun)" Elly snaps out of her weird blushing/staring at Sam moment when the song changes and seems to perk up. She starts to bounce on the bed enthusiastically, swaying and unlike last time Sam saw her dance there is no rhythm or seduction what-so-ever as she sings along. Sam would thinks it's cute if she didn't hate him.
"Cas it's your song!" Dean cheers and drags Cas over to his bed. He awkwardly drags Cas onto the bed and goes back to air guitaring and singing along even though he doesn't know the words very well.
"I'm an angel with a shotgun/ Fighting til' the wars won/ I don't care if heaven won't take me back/ I'll throw away my faith, babe, just to keep you safe/ Don't you know you're everything I have/ ... and I wanna live, not just survive, tonight."
Wow this is Cas' song Sam thinks, surprised as he watches his usually macho brother dance on his bed with an angel while singing something that isn't Led Zeppelin at him. Sam is never, ever going to let Dean live this down, like on his death bed worthy teasing material. His phone flips open and he hits record with a smirk.