Just a quick note: A couple of personal experiences, along with seeing the first few episodes of season one (in which their friendship aggravates me, at times), influenced this story. The ending isn't overly neat-and-tidy. Regardless, I hope you can still read and enjoy the story for what it is. Thanks!
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"What Doesn't Kill You"
"You made your choice, and you really should be happy with it," she said.
Glad to be standing in her own living room - the additional strength she garnered from being here was really good, right now - she gave nothing away about what she was truly feeling inside. She wouldn't give him that pleasure. She never would, not as long as she could help it. And, as far as she was concerned, she damn well would do just that. Never had she been so glad that she'd kept most of what she'd felt all of these years under wraps.
He looked at her, wishing she'd give him something to go on…something that would let him know that his feelings weren't just one-sided, now. Give him the heart-to-heart he'd thought she seemed okay with, when he first showed up. But, now, he could only guess what her feelings were because she stayed as noncommittal in both words and countenance. Which, considering the circumstances, he guessed he couldn't blame her.
After a brief courtship, he'd become engaged and married within the same week. To another woman. And, now, he was more than questioning his decision. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he imagined that he'd known all along it wasn't going to be the right decision. And, standing here looking at his best friend for more years than he could count, he felt the knowing in his gut; he had made a big mistake.
Yet, she wouldn't give him an inch. He supposed it was only right. But, he'd damn-near give anything to go back in time and choose differently. To, instead, be with the woman before him. The one he'd always known so well - and spend the rest of his life with her. God, what a mess, and it was of his own doing.
For her part, CJ had already started the numbing process within. She was much less affected by his choice than she had ever been, before. With each woman, with each relationship, with each proposal…she saw more clearly the writing on the wall. Hers would be an unrequited love, but she had already been getting past the 'love' part, anyway.
And, as far as she was concerned, this was a done deal. He was married. Nothing to be done about it, now. Bygones and all that. Though, if she was honest with herself, she'd admit that somewhere inside, a part of her was deeply hurt. Still, she knew that she never really expected anything different to transpire. However, this after-the-fact conversation he was trying to have was a new one on her. She hadn't seen it coming and sure as hell hadn't ever factored it into her thoughts.
But, she wasn't going to tell him what he wanted to hear. Not now. Not ever. He'd made his decision, and like she'd told him, he really should be happy about it. If he wanted her to give him a reason to jump ship, she wasn't going to give him that satisfaction. Because, as far as she was concerned, if he'd ever really paid attention to her, in the first place, he wouldn't be in the predicament he seemed to be in, now.
You know…maybe, they wouldn't be having that heart-to-heart, after all. The more she thought about it, the less inclined she was to give anything more. Hadn't she already given him enough? Been there for him, stood beside him, told him she loved him more than once. Hell, she'd even taken bullets for him. Why should she give anything else, other than the simple friendship they'd always shared? He was the one, after all, who'd kept her at arms-length all of these years.
'So, stew, buddy,' she thought, 'you'll get nothing else out of me.'
Matt could tell there were things going on inside of her, but for the life of him, he couldn't make out what they were. Hadn't he known her better than this? Didn't he used to be able to tell what she was thinking, even without looking at her? Had he really fallen that out of step with her?
Yes, it looked like he had. Once again, he had only himself to blame.
"CJ…." He couldn't finish, as he didn't know what to say, right now.
She just continued to look at him. But, when it seemed he was going to say nothing more, she said, "Matt, you're married. It's getting late. Go him to your wife." Surprisingly, she found that it was easy to say.
She felt good that she was doing so much better, so as to be able to say the words without flinching - especially emotionally. Those twinges seemed to be fading fast. Of course, coming to the realization that she'd always been in some kind of cat-and-mouse game with her best friend had done a lot to help spur her into healing.
Funny, she'd always hated games. Such a rude awakening to realize that she'd been in the biggest one of all with her best friend since childhood.
After hearing her words, Matt was glued to his spot. He didn't want to leave. But, she wasn't giving him anything to go on - not anymore - and he was getting the sick feeling that he'd well and truly burned the final bridge for anything more between them. He knew he sounded stupid, even to himself. He was committed to another woman, yet he wanted something from her, now. The cruel reality of it was that he did want her - so much…knew that he always had - but he was beginning to see that he'd put the final nail in his own coffin.
It was all rudimentary, he knew. He was married. What else could he offer her, now? Besides more heartache, that is. Even if she would wait for him, he knew it would be a long time before the legalities of a divorce were ever finalized. Even with the pre-nup that had been signed.
The knot in his gut became heavier and began to grow. He could see more clearly now what he'd given up, and he wasn't sure what to do with himself. He was ultimately facing the music alone. A tune he'd drummed up almost entirely by himself.
Her words interrupted his thoughts. "Don't look so down, friend. You have a beautiful wife and a whole life ahead of you. Go to her." She didn't know in what vain she was delivering her words, but she knew he needed to go. The sooner, the better.
"I…."
"No. Go," she repeated. Decision made. Door closed.
Hearing the underlying firmness in her command, he started to gather himself together. This was really going to be it. Still feeling the sting of "friend," he got up to go. When he got to her front door, he turned to look at her, again.
She hadn't followed to see him out. Just watched from where she stood.
"Can I say one thing more?" he asked.
She didn't confirm nor deny, so he went on.
"I've always loved you. More than that, I've wanted nothing but the best for you. I think I was always afraid that I wasn't it, and after tonight, I know I was right. I'd do anything to turn back the clock, right some wrongs, but I can't. And, I know now that it's way too late for it, anyway. I was wrong in coming here, and I hope you can forgive me." The briefest of pauses, then, "For everything."
She breathed deeply. "I'll work on it. For our friendship."
He nodded. He knew he couldn't ask anything more.
She threw him a bone. "And, thanks. I appreciate it."
A brief tip of his head in response, eyes locked on her.
"Well. You should go."
"Right. Okay."
"I'll see you at work."
Somehow, that made him feel worse. Things were changing more than he knew. Still at a loss for words, he knew that his lingering at her door was pushing it, but he still couldn't bring himself to cross the threshold. To leave for good.
She sighed. "You continuing to hang on is only going to make it worse, Houston. What's done is done. Now, turn yourself around." It was clear that she meant in more ways than one. "Besides, this could turn out to be the best thing that has ever happened to us."
Regrettably for him, her meaning was clear. It could be the best thing that had ever happened to her. Though, her tone was nice enough. Maybe, she had meant to include him, after all.
Either way, he turned back and opened the door. Knowing it was a huge step, he crossed the threshold and into the cool night air. He just hoped they were steps in the right direction. For both of them.
What he didn't realize is that his steps were finally setting her free. For good. And, she was going to be great. Quite probably, she'd be at the office on Monday with a bounce still in her own. And, really, she had him to thank for it. Because, if he hadn't continued to be 'typical Matt,' she never would have developed such a strong inner core. And, that's exactly what would lead her to even bigger and better things in life - including someone who would love her exactly as she'd always wanted to be loved.