The Buddie System

by killermonkeyguy

Team Buddies: The Buddies, an odd race in an endless civil war. Once a great, joyful people, the Buddies must unite once more to fight the greatest threat the universe has ever known...

An Introduction to the world of the Buddies:

The Buddies are a strange race, created by the great god Psygnosis. They live on the planet Buddieland, a colourful cartoony world filled with wildlife similar to Earths. They have pill-shaped bodies, are about three feet high, and have no limbs or neck. They only have floating gloves that they can manipulate for no explained reason, and shoes they can use in a similar manner. Oddly, aside from dogs, wildlife on Buddieland is much the same as ours. The Buddies pill-shaped bodies are protected by a combat suit with a visor; their mouths are beside their unnaturally large eyes. They possess vast knowledge of the useless facts of the universe, like how many ducks it takes to invade Russia.

They have no gender, but all are referred to as males for simplicity's sake. They do not breed, but since the appearance of crates, a Buddie can "build" more Buddies. The properties and colour of the suit a Buddie wears are governed by the quantity and quality of the "crates" used, and the Buddie who stacked the "crates". These "crates" are boxes, approximately 1.5ft of cubic awesomeness. The Buddies can use these to construct anything from a coffee table to a Strategic Bomber. Each Buddie squadron has a "building platform" that can have crates stacked on top of it up to as many as 512, in an 8x8x8 formation. The Buddies use these crates to build their weapons and vehicles and on occasion, shelter and hospitals. The edges of these crates are coloured red. On the rare occasion, a "super-crate" is created, with blue edges instead of red. Just one of these crates supercharge any creation they are used to construct, making an average coffee table an awesome coffee table.

These crates originated with the "Baddies", who were similar to the buddies but had square bodies. The Baddies were an evil alien race that rained crates down on Buddieland during the Grand Party in the Big Top. This was a grand festivity for Buddies where all of the Buddies in Buddieland were brought together for one hell of a party. The crates destroyed Buddie society; the Buddies created weapons and turned them on each other. They distinguished each other by colour, separating into the six factions of Red, Blue, Green, Yellow, Purple and Black. This created a huge civil war that almost tore Buddieland asunder. However, all of the Buddies eventually put aside their differences and teamed up one last time to defeat the Baddies once and for all. But the Baddies had altered Buddieland to naturally spawn crates. The Buddies were still trapped in an endless cycle of war and hatred, much like humanity.

It is always a time of war for the Buddies. They know nothing else. Ever since the Great Party was disrupted by the Baddies and the crates began to fall from the sky, the Buddies have not known peace. Even when the Baddies were defeated, the Buddies continued to fight amongst themselves. They could not agree on how their society should be governed and continued to destroy their planet. Decades have passed, and now, the Buddies must rebuild their colourful ensemble and unite once more, for the wheel of fate is turning, and a threat even greater than the Baddies is coming. Only united do the Buddies stand any chance….

Ch.1: Brilliant Incompetence

It was a fine day in Buddieland, the bright and colourful home of the Buddies. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and the Buddies were slaughtering each other mercilessly. All was right with the world, or at least as right as it could be. A squad of five Black Buddies were assigned to Bow-Wow Outpost, a black fort overlooking an open plain home to several wild dogs, which had a tendency to set off mines. One Black Buddie was positioned on a small hill in front of the fort. He was looking through binoculars with his left hand, and kept a shotgun gripped in his right.

Another Black Buddie walked out of the fort behind him, carrying a crate. He stopped for one moment and looked at the Buddie gazing out onto the battlefield.

"Any sign of Rico, Sarge?"He asked anxiously in his funny, exaggerated voice. He was worried about the scout they had sent out 6 hours ago across the open plain riddled with mines.

Rico was sent on a mission by Sarge to find out what the Purples were having for lunch.

"No sign of 'im yet Cork" He replied in his gruff, manly tone of manliness. He gripped his shotgun even tighter upon saying this."Don't worry, he'll get one helluva welcome when he gets back" he said with a wicked smile.

Cork shrugged and walked over to the glowing platform a couple of feet away. It was segmented to indicate where each crate should be placed. He dumped his crate on the nearest corner. He concentrated on the crate and kicked it, producing a blue shotgun with arrows on the sides, pointing to where the buckshot came out so idiots wouldn't shoot themselves in the face. Sarge heard the kick and turned around quickly.

"What's our crate situation?" he asked inquisitively.

"We're down to ten now" Cork replied pessimistically "And the closest block spawning is 2 kilometres from here"

Sarge grunted irately."At least tell me that Skippy's busy"

Cork grinned, "Don't worry, I gave Skippy a mop and told him to clean all of the invisible dirt in the fort, he'll be busy for a while".

Sarge let out a sigh of relief, "Thank Psygnosis, I've been having nightmares ever since he got his hands on the key to the depot, good work, Cork!"

Cork smiled at his commanders praise "Thanks Sarge!" He grabbed his weapon, turned around and joined his Sergeant on the hill.

"Say Sarge, why'd you send Rico out to scout and not Fodder?"

Sarge turned to Cork and replied affirmatively, "Fodder already has his duty, to gloriously die in battle when we're getting our asses kicked! He's in his room now preparing his epitaph!"

Cork backed away, scared. He didn't like conflict, especially when Sarge was involved. "But didn't you say that Rico's irreplaceable?" Sarge turned to view the vast expanse and smiled gleefully.

Yeah, he is irreplaceable isn't he? If he dies, I'll never meet anyone like him again"

Cork then quickly changed the subject"Why are we holding out against the Purples anyway? Surely the other colours present some threat to us?"

Sarge chuckled "Nah, the Reds are occupied with the Blues, The Greens really hate the yellows and we Blacks despise the Purples. War's gotta be colour-coded, y'know?" Cork chortled in agreement "At least Rico will die fighting our most hated enemy!"

Sarge looked up at the sky and closed his eyes."Yup, he'll die alright" he assured Cork as he let out a long, euphoric sigh. His moment of relief was interrupted by the pitter-patter of feet. Sarge and Cork turned around and saw Rico, running up to them from behind the fort.

Cork and Sarge looked at each other dumbfounded as Rico ran up to join them. Sarge was infuriated that Rico had made it back in one piece.

"Rico! What the hell! I sent you to spy on the Purples! How'd you get behind the fort?"

Rico looked up at his commander and grinned, "Well Sarge, I reached the Purples Base and did some recon, but I figured I'd be smart. Instead of leading them back to the base through the battlefield, I'd run past the Purple Fort, all around Buddieland, and sneak up on my allies, proving my strategic genius!"

Sarge just stared at Rico blankly and forced himself to reply "Never mind how stupid that sounds realistically, what surprises me is that, instead of leading the enemy across an open plain where we could have easily shot them down, you somehow thought it was a good idea to lead them away from said battlefield, around a planet in a couple of hours, and into the perfect position to attack us in a pincer movement?"

Cork held back his laughter with every ounce of willpower he had."Good plan, man! Good plan!" He exclaimed sarcastically.

Sarge buried his face in his gloves "At least tell me you found out what the Purples were having for lunch?"

Rico shook his pill-body and produced some sheets of blue paper from his pockets "No, but I found copies of their military strategies plus their building plans!"

Sarge stormed over and grabbed the plans from Rico's hands."Useless crap! You are the most incompetent Buddie I have ever met! You can't even walk back to base in the right direction or carry out a simple observation of other Buddies eating habits! I hope Psygnosis has some wicked plan for you because the thought of you suffering is the only thing keeping me sane in this shithole!"He finished his rant and tore away into the fort.

Rico was beaming with pride "Sarge thinks I'm the best Buddie!"

Sarge roared from inside the fort "If you want something done, you gotta do it yourself! Somebody build me a Bazooka!"

"Looks like somebody's one step ahead" Cork interrupted, pointing to the Building Platform. Sarge peeked out from the fort and saw a red tube with yellow handles hovering above the glowing surface,

"Who was using the BP?"Sarge inquired, eyeing the weapon suspiciously.

Rico dismissed his suspicions "Don't look a gift horse in the mouth, Sarge!" Sarge grunted and picked up the Bazooka, checking it for anything out of the ordinary.

"Seems fine, no side effects of spontaneous existence!" He lined it up with his body and aimed down the sight. He directed the barrel towards Rico and held his finger lightly over the trigger. Suddenly, a Purple Buddie popped out from the side of the fort behind Rico "Uh, hello?".

Panicked, Sarge roared "PURRRRRRPLLLLLLLE!" and pulled the trigger.

A loud "HEEEEEEEHAAAAAWWWW!" was heard as a half crushed donkey was launched from the Bazooka, flopping helplessly in front of the Purple. Cork and Rico stood staring the Bazooka Sarge was holding and slowly said in unison "What...the...fuck?".

The Purple stood stunned as the donkey honked and squealed in agony. Sarge started shaking as rage built up inside of him, he knew exactly who was responsible for this blatant disregard of well, everything, but didn't quite understand how it was possible.

"SKIPPYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!" He screamed at the fort. A black head poked its head out from a window on the first floor.

"Hi Sarge!" Skippy replied, oblivious to what was going on.

Sarge turned the Bazooka toward the window and demanded an explanation "How'd you get inside the depot?"

Skippy shrugged and said "I don't remember, I was thinking about cookies!"

Sarge was at the point of friendly fire, the stupidity was melting his brain."Where did you get a donkey?"

"At a farm, duh" Skippy rolled his eyes.

"There are no more farms on Buddieland!" Skippy laughed "Since when did reality ever stop me?"

Rico butted in "In Skippys defence, you didn't specify who you wanted to load the Bazooka, or what you wanted loaded into it ."

Sarge's rage began to subside as he came to terms with the resident idiot "Oh yeah, it's Skippy."

Cork began to shake uncontrollably, he had never been in combat before, never mind in the face of the Purples "its over, man, it's over! The Purples will push us back to Black Capital and force to defend ourselves with Duplo-"

No sooner had he said "Duplo" did Sarge ram him against the fort wall "Pull yourself together Buddie! I will be dead long before I see my men defend themselves with Duplo! I swear to Psygnosis take that back or I'll have Skippy stuff you in this Bazooka! Nobody is defending themselves with Duplo! Nobody!" He looked down mournfully at the ground for a moment,"Never again..."

There was a moment of silence as Cork composed himself and Skippy walked out of the fort to join his comrades. The Blacks were then interrupted by their uninvited Purple guest "Um, I'm still here?"

All of the Blacks turned to see the dismayed Purple staring at the half-dead mule in front of him. They all looked down at the dying ass on the ground, it writhed in pain as the Buddies observed without any care or emotion.

The Purple looked broken, as if his mind had been fractured to a degree unknown even to Skippy. He barely managed to ask "What's. With. The. Donkey?" The Blacks looked at Skippy, then to each other and Sarge turned and smiled "That's how we Black Buddies say hello!"

Suddenly, the confusion was interrupted by footsteps, one more Buddie was ready to join the fray. A Buddie who knew no fear, fled from no fight and whose sole purpose was to have the most epic death ever.

Fodder stepped out of the fort, looked around at his comrades and then to the Purple invader. "Duuuuudes, why all the hate?" he said hazily, having obviously smoked several ounces of marijuana "we're all gonna get along just fine…"

The Purple Buddie stared in disbelief at the rag-tag bunch of misfits. Sarge had started shouting (again) at Fodder for "hotboxing" the Black Fort. The Purple shook his head and forced himself to remember why he was in the presence of such ridiculous insanity.

"Ahem! Greetings Black Buddies of Bow-Wow Outpost. I am Pete, Emissary of the Purples. In light of recent events, we Purples have deemed it necessary to propose an alliance between the Blacks and the Purples. What say you?"

The Blacks were busy debating whether or not marijuana should be legal or not and only Skippy was listening to a word that Pete was saying and asked loudly "What's an alliance? Is it a type of cheese?"

All of the Buddies ceased their squabbling and turned to face Pete. They looked him up and down and began to laugh in unison. Sarge was especially amused "you're one Buddie! Why would we form an alliance with you!" A tank then rolled up behind Pete, a harrier flew across the field, and a squad of twelve ninjas jumped out from the shadows that may or may not have been there.

All of the Blacks stopped laughing and Sarge began to retract his previous statement "Well you see, the reason we wouldn't want an alliance is because a delicate situation like this requires something more along the lines of an unconditional surrender." He smiled pleadingly at Pete, hoping to god that the tank was loaded with a donkey.

Pete answered this with a blank stare "I expected as much. Load your crates onto the harrier and we'll take you to our base. I hope you guys are ready for a fight." He said morbidly. Rico's face lit up and he asked excitedly "Are we setting up a Purple and Black fight club or something?"

Pete rubbed his temples and turned to Rico "No, something much worse. The Colour Wars pale in comparison to what we are facing. We'll take every moron we can get; we can't afford to be specific." He stopped in front of Skippy, looked him up and down and sighed.

Rico's excitement wasn't diminished in the slightest "Man, let's get our crates!" He rushed into the fort and suddenly everyone heard a massive crash, with Rico's voice following soon after "Man, the fucking ceiling collapsed! We need a new place to crash!"

The Blacks turned to Pete and he sighed, "Why do I get the feeling that I'm going to regret ever coming here?" Fodder walked up and embraced him "Don't worry man, I'll keep you safe. I'll keep us all safe" Pete threw him off and turned to face the plain, the sun was beginning to set, and Pete felt like saying something ominous and foreshadowing.

"Two of the pieces have been put together, four others remain. To protect the land, we must unite all of the colours. I pray the other nations have seen fit to become one. But the challenge for us, is to face those who can craft from none."