It was maybe two in the morning, and my feet hurt.
The dotting stars in the velvety sky sparkled at me in a mocking way, dazzling in all their perfection. Every so often, a stray car would pass on the road, and a lone person would walk by me. But no one looked up from the ashy concrete beneath them. The sound of my heels disrupted what I felt was a sacred silence of the early hours, and I could feel maybe a blister of two forming.
Stopping for a moment, I yanked my heels off and held them in one hand, proceeded to walk barefoot down the street. I didn't worry about cutting myself with glass or anything. It's not a time in the day to worry. My throat felt dry and achy and my hair was beginning to curl back into the blonde tresses it was always used to.
Who the hell was I kidding - dressing up?
The only lit building on the street was the 24 hour diner, and I stood in it's eerie glow, watching the sheer emptiness of the place. Only one girl was working at the counter, and she looked as if she were going to fall asleep standing up at any second.
Then, the back of a head with dark brown, silky hair caught my eyes. She sat with her back to me at a table inside, a finger tracing the rip of her coffee cup absently.
-
"You're beautiful," I whispered into her hair. Mhm - coconut shampoo with a spritz of Chanel No. 5.
Her breathing was a bit harsh and alcohol-stained, and it was as if she didn't know what to do with her hands. They were tangled in my hair, her hair, my waist, smoothing down the creases of the silk blue prom dress that hugged her body.
I took her hands gently in mine and tried to guide her, and she submitted, tracing her fingertips over my collar bone and then leaning in to barely have her lips brush against mine. I moved in the rest of the way, kissing her passionately, and that seemed to shock her system.
She pulled back, running her hand through her hair. "Sam, I..."
"I love you," I told her, swallowing tightly, "I always have."
I tried to reach out to her but she pulled away and turned from me. Before she did, I could see her chocolate-brown eyes well with fresh tears and then shut in confusion, frustration - I couldn't tell.
My knees shook a little but I willed myself not to cry. I couldn't stop from feeling the searing pain in my chest, however, like a million fists were beating me.
It was so late and prom ended hours ago, but we had ditched the last hour of it to be by ourselves and a few bottles of vodka. I wish we had stayed there, I wish we didn't even think of this stupid idea. Because now, we were both drunk and our feelings were rampaging at all angles. And I'm so stupid. So stupid.
Slowly, she walked away from me, throwing the empty vodka bottle down by a patch of grass. I watched her leave, my jaw too wired shut to say anything. I could feel my eyes start to get wet, but I turned that side of myself down, and instead grabbed a half-empty bottle of alcohol and threw it against a tree.
It splashed and broke into a million pieces.
-
My eyes got wet all over again, seeping forward to cloud my vision to make everything seem like a watercolor painting.
She stood up from her chair inside the diner slowly, gingerly and got ready to leave. I escaped the bright lights on the sidewalk and encased myself back into the darkness as she stepped out of the diner, her pale arms wrapped around herself.
She started to walk in the other direction, away from me and towards her home. I wanted something to break again - another vodka bottle to slam against the bark of a tree or the concrete - just to rid myself of the horrible ache in my chest.
I felt the black dress in my hand as I gripped the hem tightly. Fucking prom, fucking alcohol, fucking dress and heels, fucking Carly.
Shallowly, I wanted to hate her for rejecting me, for making me feel like the biggest piece of shit in the world, for making me love her so much. But I didn't want anything more than to feel her slim, delicate arms around me and the warmth from her body to make me feel like a real person, and not some monster.
I could only watch her leave again, soon disappearing as the darkness from the night swallowed up her small form.
And I didn't know what was happening before my shoulders jerked forward and I sobbed into my palms, mourning everything that ever made me feel real.