Unwell, a star wars fanfic

Notes: Finally! This has been residing inside my brain forever! It's done now ^^ 'Tis a sort of companion piece to 'Disease', my Anakin-angst songfic. Saying anything more might ruin the effect… so read on! Hope you enjoy!

All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something
Hold on
Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why

How long has it been now? Days? Weeks? My calendars all say it's been months, but I don't believe that. They must be wrong. I ought to take them to be repaired. I have no need of calendars that tell the wrong date. It can't be months since we lost him. If it's been months, then there's no chance of saving him. No. It's only been a few weeks. There's still time. There's still time for him.

Perhaps I should lie down and rest a bit. It seems like forever since I last shut my eyes. But I can't afford to sleep. If I close my eyes for even a moment, I may miss my chance to bring him back from the edge. And what if Padme walked in on me sleeping? It wouldn't do to well for her to catch her guardian off his guard. So I'll take a few more energy pills and keep my eyes open for just a little while longer. Just a little while… just a short while, and I can catch him and bring him back to the good side. If anyone can do it, I can. It's all up to me now. But I need to find him quickly… because this can't last… can it?

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be...me

What's happening to me? I feel like I'm walking through some sort of fog. I can't see my way out. All I can see is darkness, a wall of confusion, a maze that ends nowhere. How can I find him if I can't even find a way out of my own madness? The alcoholic haze fades for just a moment and I know those calendars are right. It has been months since we last saw him. It is to late to bring him back, and that leaves me just one choice. I've got to find him and kill him.

I wonder where Padme is. I should keep a closer eye on her. I think I frighten her lately, and that's no good. But she's always rushing away from me, as if the clouds in my gaze remind her of her own fragile state. If she would only wait for a moment of sanity, if she could only see that I'm still the same old Obi-Wan, then it would all be ok. She wouldn't be so scared. Oh Padme, Padme, my beautiful, strong queen… what have I done to you? What have I done?

I need to get those calendars fixed. It won't do for a visitor to think it's the wrong date. Six months! If it had been that long, I certainly would know! I ought to take come more pills…

I'm talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they've all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I've lost my mind

They're always staring at me now. Whenever I step outside for a breath of fresh air or to buy provisions for Padme, they all stare. It's like they all know who I am.

"There goes Kenobi. He caused all this trouble."

"Stay away, children. Jedi are dangerous."

"Get off the planet, stinking Jedi scum!"

And the quiet ones think I can't hear them. They think that just because I'm mumbling my shopping list over and over that I'm crazy, and crazy people can't understand them. But I'm not crazy. I just need to remember which groceries I'm supposed to buy for Padme. When I forget, she worries. I think she worries about her children. They need proper nutrition, don't they? It's getting so close now… will I be there for her when the time comes? She's so strong, but not strong enough to face that alone. I wonder if I can part the clouds long enough to hold her hand and not mumble madness.

I wonder if I should go shopping now? I can take an air taxi and get home before Padme comes back. And while I'm at it, I can get the calendars fixed. Oh, no, the cooler unit's full. Maybe Padme went. It's been a long time since I went shopping. Or did I really go yesterday? I can't remember. No matter.

Is that Padme on the sofa? She's not supposed to be home yet.

Wait. Yes she is. It's late at night. Why can't I keep times straight? Why can't I remember that the dates on the calendar are correct? Why can't I put down this bottle of hard liquor and tell Padme that it's all going to be ok now?

Put the bottle down. Put the pills away. Throw them out the window, Kenobi. You can do it.

Damn.

No I can't.

The pain is too sharp.

The alcohol smoothes the edges, and the pills keep me from the nightmares. With these, I can survive just a little longer. Just a little longer…

I'll take one more drink. One more pill.

No, Padme, don't walk in the kitchen now. I don't want you to see me like this…

I've been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away

You know this isn't me, Padme. You know this isn't me. You know the true Obi-Wan. You know he'll always be there for you, for your children, for their children. I'll always be there, because it's what I was meant to do. Please understand that this is the only way I can keep the demons away. Please understand…

They're coming for me… I can sense them, creeping. Creeping. So close…

Something's wrong with Padme. Force, has she been pregnant for so long without my knowing? How did she hide it? How did Anakin not tell me? He only left a few weeks ago. Certainly if she's this far along, he would have known, and would have told me the good news. Why must they keep things from me? But that's ok. Soon he'll be back. And she'll be all right again. She won't look so tired, and sad, and sick.

Why is she looking at me like that? She looks scared. But why? Why do I scare her? Why is she running from me?

I must get those calendars fixed.

Yeah, how I used to be
How I used to be
Well, I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be
I'm just a little unwell

Just a little longer Padme, please…

Please hold on just a little longer. Just a little longer and everything will be ok, one way or another. Please understand I'm doing this for you. Please… and someday, you'll be ok too. You may not have a husband, but you'll have me. And your children can call me Uncle Ben, and I'll look after them when you go out, and teach them the right way. But please, hang on a little longer. Just a few more drinks, a few more pills, a few more days of madness. It's all that's holding me together. Please… don't slip into this as I have… and understand, I'm doing it all for you…

Soon I'll remember the right day. I promise.