When the past doesn't let you got
By Dany
Spoilers: Gentle, gentle. But up to "Play with fire" to be sure.
Author's Note: This is much darker than anything else I have written before. I was in a weird mood, but decided to put it to paper anyway.
Summary: A case brings up painful memories for Grissom, but Sara is there to catch him.
Warning: (Original) Character death, children involved.
Disclaimer: I don't own CSI.
xxxxx
Sara Sidle watched the man through the blinds, how his head hung low despite every muscle in his body being tense.
It had been a nightly ritual since the two children had disappeared three days ago. A six-year-old boy and his two-year-old sister had disappeared out of the back yard of their home. According to the mother, they had been playing outside while she had been preparing lunch. When she had returned outside with some sandwiches ten minutes later, the yard had been empty. She had called the police immediately, but it hadn't been until dark when CSI was finally called in.
Evidence was scarce. A few unidentified fingerprints on the back gate and a size 10 footprint in the sandbox. There was nothing else that could tell them what happened. No signs of a struggle. No witness. They were at the end of their rope.
And it showed.
But no one seemed to notice that HE was just as affected.
Catherine was concerned about Nick, Nick about Catherine, and Warrick about both. He had also asked her if she was ok a few times.
But no one seemed to worry about Grissom.
No one but her.
During shift, when the others were around, he presented a stoic image without showing any emotion. He made himself the target for their frustrations and their anger.
When alone, though, he became smaller carrying a heavy burden on his shoulders.
And no one asked him if he was ok.
For three nights now, she had stopped by his office, watching him through the blinds.
Sara had been trying to work up enough courage to go in there and to gather strength to steel herself for another rejection. She still hadn't enough of either. She wanted to help him, but she knew he would not accept even the smallest offering easily.
Turning, she closed her eyes, holding back some tears at his pain. She wanted to have the strength to take it all away, but it was not the right time yet.
So she slowly headed back to the break room to sort through the list of the family acquaintances again.
xxxxx
Two hours later, Sara was exactly where she was at the beginning. Nothing had come up that hadn't already been discarded in the interrogations Brass had done.
She looked at the clock and decided to head home to change her clothes and take a quick shower before she came back here.
It was already well into dayshift and the hallways were filled with people. She took a detour to the locker room so that she would pass Grissom's office. It was dark so she guessed he had left, but when she looked closer she saw a dark figure sitting at the desk.
Why was he sitting in the dark?
She moved to the door and hesitated only a second before opening it. The door clicked shut behind her, but he didn't look up. She left the lights out and made her way over to him, careful not to trip or knock one of his numerous shelves over. When she reached his desk he still hadn't lifted his head. She was getting very worried.
"Grissom," she called out softly, not wanting to startle him. Receiving no response, she tried again a bit louder.
She moved behind the desk right next to him and lowered herself to be able to see his eyes. Her hand touched his back and finally she got a sign that he was aware of her.
He turned his head and met her eyes. What she saw there scared her. Tears were brimming in his eyes, and they were wide with fear.
Seeing this, she knew she had not come a moment to soon. She wanted to talk to him, she wanted him to talk to her, but for now settled for physical comfort.
She pulled him out of his chair and led him to the couch. Now it came in handy that she had watched him in his office countless times, because she was able to lead him over without bumping into any obstacle.
They sat down, and she pulled him into her arms. She couldn't see his eyes that way, but after a while she could feel his breathing slow and his body relax. All she could see was the mass of curls on his head and after years of wanting, she gave in and let her fingers flow through his hair. It seemed to calm him further and soon his breathing was deep and regular.
Grissom had fallen asleep.
Not really knowing what else to do, she leaned back and closed her eyes.
xxxxx
Sara awoke with a groan.
Her neck was stiff from sleeping in an upright position. When she moved her hand to rub her neck, she felt hair under her fingers, and suddenly she remembered where she was and whose head was resting in her lap.
She looked down at his still sleeping form. He must have shifted in his sleep so that his face was now pressed into her stomach. It was an awkward position on the small couch, and when he woke he would be stiff too.
Sara tried to work out a way to untangle herself from him without waking him, but her thoughts dissipated when she felt his face press further into her.
Her body began to tingle and warmth spread through her, reacting to Grissom's touch immediately. She swallowed a moan before it could escape and pressed herself deeper into the couch, hoping to lessen the contact.
But Grissom followed her.
Without the lights it was hard to tell, but his eyes seemed still closed while his breathing was slow and deep. Besides, if Grissom were aware of their position he would panic.
This was just too bizarre.
She had always wanted to be close to him, but not like this.
Again, Sara tried to formulate a plan to untangle and this time she decided just to move very slowly. It took a couple of minutes, but then she was able to stand up without waking Grissom.
He really must have been exhausted. He probably hadn't slept since the call came in.
Closing his office door quietly behind her, she realized that the hallways were almost empty again. A quick look out her watch told her that it was only forty minutes until shift started anew.
She must have been exhausted herself. She never slept that long, let alone in such an uncomfortable position.
For a brief moment she entertained the thought that maybe it hadn't been exhaustion, but the company, which let her sleep that long and for once without nightmares.
Knowing though, that such thoughts got her hopes up and set her up for another disappointment, she decided to ignore them for the time being and focus on work.
But first she had to get out of these clothes. The set of spare clothes in her car had already been used yesterday, but there should be another one in her locker. She only hoped none of the others were early and would see her in her current 'after-sleep-state'.
xxxxx
Showered and dressed in new clothes, Sara Sidle exited the locker room only to collide with a big mass of flesh.
"Hey, watch where you're going," cursed a familiar voice.
"Hey Brass." Once realizing who had ran into him, he grinned at her.
"You know, YOU can bump into me any time," He threw a fake leer at her and waggled his eyebrows.
"Dream on," she retorted, also grinning.
"Good to see you in such a light mood tonight," he was still teasing, but something more serious lay beneath, "and I hope it will get even better."
Now Sara's eyebrows rose. "The kids turned up." At her cautious expression he continued, "Alive and well."
This time she let her relief show. But she also felt guilty. Her relief was not only because the children had been returned. No, she was also feeling better knowing that now Grissom might be able to deal with it. "What happened?"
"Can't this wait until the others have arrived? I don't want to repeat myself. You know, I'm not one of those big dicks, that need to talk to hear themselves."
Giving him a pointed look, he knew he had no choice in this matter. But then, when had he ever when the two female CSIs were concerned. They had more spunk than most of the men in this department. And on top of that Sara was the impatience in person.
"Okay, if you insist. Some loon snatched them. Thought they were his kids. This morning he let them out of his sight for a minute, thinking everything was back to normal, but the boy had other plans. Smart kid. Took his sister and sneaked out of the house and went from door to door until he found someone who was home. Called his mother who in turn, called us."
Sara was glad that nothing had happened to them and at the same time amazed that the boy had reacted so thoughtful. "Why did they go with him in the first place?"
Brass sighed and shrugged his shoulders. "Kids love animals."
"Dog?"
"Bunnies," was his dry reply, "had one with him and told them they could have one too. Always the same. No matter how often you tell your kids not to fall for that…"
Sara nodded in agreement. She had seen this more often than she cared to remember. And every time the parents were crying 'I told them not to…', but kids never listened. It saddened her. To be honest, that was another reason for not really knowing if she would ever be ready to have kids of her own.
"Is Grissom in yet? I want to tell him. The whole thing was tearing him up."
Sara looked up, astonished that somebody else had noticed. "Hey, I'm not as blond as I look," Brass said with a smirk.
"No, well yes, but…" Sara stammered, not knowing if she should tell Brass that Grissom was in his office sleeping.
"Sara, you're not making any sense here. I've seen his car outside, so what is it?"
She let out a breath, sorting her thoughts and then answered, "He's in his office. But he's sleeping. I think he was here all night."
Brass nodded in understanding, "then I'll just wait in the break room and leave the rest up to you."
With that he left Sara standing there totally dazed by what had just occurred. Brass could be such a hard ass sometimes, but beneath all that he was a very caring and understanding person. It was a shame that people always underestimated him.
xxxxx
Grissom's office was still dark when she came back. She had passed the reception to get his messages in order to save him time if he wanted to change his clothes too. She knocked lightly, but got no response. Already familiar with this game she entered.
He was still sleeping on the couch, which was way to small for him. Her heart didn't want to wake him. Her mind, on the other hand, told her that he needed to wake up for work and to hear that the kids had been returned. She made her way to his sleeping form, now well practiced to move in the dark.
"Grissom," she called, trying not to scare him too much. Once again her hand found its way to his hair. Having felt it once she could not help herself. "Grissom, you have to wake up."
Her thumb was tracing over the soft skin of his forehead, which was smooth at the moment. But too often it was wrinkled by worry, stress or deep thoughts. He should let go more. She had never thought it would be so soft when relaxed. Jesus, the effect this man had on her.
"Grissom!" Finally he stirred, moving his head into her hand. "Grissom, work starts in ten minutes. You have to get up."
His eyes opened, and she wished she could see them more clearly. "I don't think I'm gonna make it. My head feels like it's wrapped in cotton."
She looked back to his desk and could make out a prescription bottle. He'd had a migraine and was now feeling the aftereffects. He must be feeling really out of it, admitting that he wasn't feeling well. She wanted to help him.
"Griss, the kids have been found and they're alright." That made him lift his head and try to look at her.
"They're alright," she repeated to make sure he got the message. She could see that it took an immense effort on his part to even lift his head.
"I'll tell you everything later. Right now, I think you need to go home." He let his head fall back down not being able to keep it up for a minute longer. "I go get the case slips to Catherine and then I'll drive you home. Any case I get assigned to will have to wait half an hour."
"Ok," he croaked and that scared her. He sounded so weak, and for once he was not worried about work. He must have been feeling really out of it. She vowed that she would take care of him and check up on him after work.
"I'll be right back."
xxxxx
Brass had already told the others that the children had been found, and they were discussing who would process them when Sara arrived at the break room.
"Hey guys," she greeted them and went straight over to Catherine.
"Hey Sara," came the chorus.
"Cath, could you handle this shift? Grissom is not feeling well. He has a migraine, and I'm gonna take him home."
For the first time in days, the others looked actually worried about their supervisor. Additionally, they were curios as to why Sara knew this and even more so if Grissom had really agreed to this.
"Oookaay," Catherine drew her words out, "is he going to be alright?"
Sara bit back an angry retort, because they hadn't seem to care up until now, but she knew that wouldn't help anyone. She decided that they didn't need to know that he had taken the meds last morning either. It would keep them from asking more unnecessary questions.
"Ok, go. But what about your shift Sara?" Catherine asked.
"I'll drive Grissom home and then to the crime scene if there's any. If not, I'll come back here and finish my reports." She stated as if there never had been any other possibility.
Catherine nodded in consent and looked around the room taking charge. "Ready?" Seeing the other nod she read the assignment slips, deciding quickly who would do what. "Alright. Seems we're lucky tonight. Warrick, you and Sara take two B&Es. Two different cases, one neighborhood. Warrick you can start ahead while Sara gives Grissom a lift. Discuss which one you're taking on first. Nicky, you and I go process the kids and tackle paperwork. Questions?" Everyone seemed relieved that it was a quiet night so far.
Sara took the slips from Catherine, scanning through it and memorizing the addresses. "Starting at this one?" She handed Warrick on e of the slips for him to read, when he agreed she gave him the other one. "Good, I'll meet you there. Be careful, War." And she walked out of the break room to get everything into the car before getting Grissom.
xxxxx
Getting Grissom in the car proved to be a bigger problem than she had anticipated. He had trouble to hold himself upright. His feet shuffled over the floor while he leaned heavily on Sara.
Halfway through the lab they met Brass who looked more than a bit shocked by the condition of his friend. "I'll help you," he had answered her wordless request.
The detective took the nightshift supervisor under his arm and together with Sara they managed to get him to the car. Fortunately they ran into no one that knew them. She smiled her thanks at him and was on her way.
For the few steps from the car to Grissom's townhouse he leaned even more on Sara, but this time she could handle it since no one was around to see them.
Once he was settled into his bedroom she brought him a glass of water and told him that she had put his meds nearby too. "Griss, I have to go to work now, but I'm gonna be back. I think we should talk. I know you don't want to, but we have to."
She could see fear in his eyes and knew this would be though work, but it needed to be done. He couldn't go on destroying himself like that and neither could she. "Get some rest," she told him before leaving for her crime scene.
On the whole trip, she asked herself if she was really ready for it. She knew he didn't seem to be up to it. But then last night floated back into her mind and she realized it was time, whether they wanted it or not.
The two cases turned out to be just that, two separate cases, but the evidence collection went rather fast and easy. Some criminals were not the brightest, and these two certainly belonged in this category.
In the lab they filled out reports over reports, waiting for their evidence to be processed and not before long shift was over. And today Sara clocked out on time.
xxxxx
On her way back to Grissom's house, Sara stopped to buy some groceries. They would need the food to replenish their strength and she didn't know what he had at his place.
Knocking on the door, she hoped he was not still asleep and she would wake him. She was surprised, though, when he opened the door not long after she had knocked. Immediately she noted that he looked so much better. The dark circles under his eyes were lighter, the color had come back to his face and his movements seemed more fluent. "Hi, I see you're better."
It was such a stupid thing to say, Sara knew that, but she was too nervous to think of something more intelligent.
"Thanks, I actually do feel better. Come in." He was being nice to her, and not rejecting as she had feared. "Ehm, do you want to put that down?" He gestured towards the bags she was holding.
At her nod he directed her to the kitchen counter. "What have you got?"
Sara looked shyly in the bags trying to avoid his eyes. "Uhm, I didn't know if you had anything to eat and I know you haven't eaten in a while so…" Nervously she pushed a couple of strands behind her right ear. "I bought a couple of things for breakfast." She cringed internally, knowing that he could easily misinterpret things and started to panic.
Since she was avoiding his eyes, she was surprised when she heard a "Thank you" coming from him. Her head snapped up to meet his eyes. There was nothing there but sincerity, gratitude and a bit of guilt. Was it because she was taking care of him or was it something else?
Not knowing what to make of it she decided not to call him on it and to just continue her preparations for breakfast. "What would you like?" she asked when she had laid out everything she had bought.
"Fruits and pancakes?" he asked wondering if she was able to make them.
"Sure!" His amazement was clearly written an his face, and as she started looking for a bowl and a pan she had to smile.
xxxxx
Breakfast had been pleasant. She did indeed know how to make pancakes and they were good.
She had explained that her growing up in a B&B was the reason for her cooking skills.
However, their conversation had mostly been about work. Grissom had wanted to know what kind of cases they had last night, if there were any leftovers for tonight and how much paperwork had accumulated on his desk. For now they refrained from talking about the kidnapping.
Only when the table was cleared Sara brought it up, "Can we talk?"
Grissom settled on his couch, looking up at her, waiting for her to join him. Sara sat in the other corner of the small couch, turning sideways to face him. She took a deep breath and told him what she knew about the kidnapping.
The arrested man had told the police that they were his children and that he never would have hurt them. Other police reports stated that he had lost his family in a car accident the year prior. His wife, his six-year-old son and this three-year-old daughter had died when a drunken driver had ran over a red light. Apparently he hadn't been able to cope with his loss. He would probably be deemed as mentally unstable by the court.
It was a tragic incident from both sides.
Grissom listened to Sara's account quietly without interrupting her. She couldn't see any emotions in his face, but she knew that didn't mean they weren't there. When she was finished she was more worried at his non-responsiveness than she would have been at an outburst.
His head hung low, and his eyes didn't meet hers. The hands were gripping and releasing his thighs. It was the only sign that he was still aware, his mind processing.
Sara gave him time to let it all sink in, wondering if she should still give him more time and leave. She could come back tonight before work. But then, she didn't think he should be alone right now.
When his hands stopped their motion, she spoke, "Do you want to talk about it?"
She knew his answer was probably going to be 'no', but she clung to the tiny fracture of hope that was always with her where Grissom was concerned.
"Grissom, you don't need to, but this is eating you up. Please, talk to me."
xxxxx
The silence that followed Sara's request was worse than a straight no. She hated waiting, and it was amazing that she could be the world's most patient woman as long as she was waiting for Grissom.
When he finally spoke, he didn't look up to her, "I was five. And… and my sister was 18 months."
Sara was shocked. Grissom was telling her. He had a sister? She wanted to ask, but knew it was better if he got everything out first. And he did.
He told her that his mother had been going deaf at that time and that she didn't hear it when someone came into her house and took her children. There had been no note.
And just as she had wanted to call the police, her husband had come home. He had yelled at her for not doing anything to prevent it, he had even hit her before leaving again. He had told her not to call the police and that he would deal with it.
Deal with it he did, but it was too late.
When he had finally come to get his children, his daughter had been dead.
Grissom remembered these men coming into their home, trying to drag him and his sister with them. He remembered screaming, but his mother hadn't come. They must have given him something after this, because the next thing he was aware of had been waking up in a foreign bed in a little room with his sleeping sister next to him.
No one came for them, only when his sister had woken up crying a strange man had entered the room. Grissom had told them that she needed a new diaper and something to eat, but the man hadn't listened. He had only yelled at him to shut her up, which had made her cry even harder.
The man had gotten angrier and rushed over to them, pushing little Grissom away. He had started choking the little girl while Grissom had attacked him, kicking and biting, trying to protect his little sister. But he had been thrown off against a wall, his five-year-old form no match for the strength of a grown man.
And then there had been silence.
And without really knowing what death was, Grissom had known his little sister was gone.
The man had left the room leaving only silent tears behind.
Grissom had sat, with the body of sister in his arms, until their father had arrived. But it didn't bring him any solace that he would be going home to his mother.
His mother had screamed and cried, torn between the joy that her son was back and the unbearable grief that her little girl was gone, leaving her son scarred for life.
Grissom's father had wanted to take matters in his hands, but his wife had stood up to him and called the police, despite his threats that they would take her son away and lock her up.
They had done neither. Their eyes had been on him, and it turned out they had been right. The kidnappers had been business associates whom he had cheated for a lot of money.
Grissom's mother had tossed him out and the police was after him and the kidnappers. They had caught everyone involved with the exception of his father, but that didn't help Grissom and his mother.
His sister was gone and no one and nothing could bring her back.
Just as nothing could ever erase this memory from Grissom's soul.
xxxxx
Sara would have never guessed that his torment had begun so early. In this moment he looked exactly like the lost and scared boy he had been back then. She wished she could take him in her arms, but feared his reaction.
When he had finished his tale, he still hadn't looked up. He sat tense, not moving a muscle. She panicked, because she didn't know what to do. Everything she could do seemed so wrong.
After warring with herself, she decided on a simple offer.
She closed her eyes and laid her hand palm up on the couch between them.
He could take it or leave it, but he had to be the one to initiate contact.
The silence seemed endless and absolutely uncomfortable. Her head was still spinning with all the information she had been given. Her heart ached for him, feeling his pain and wanting nothing more than to soothe it.
After a couple of minutes, Sara thought about retracting her offer. Before she could do that though, she felt a light pressure when he put his hand into hers.
She felt lighter now that she could give him something.
But they still hadn't talked. She knew from experience that there were no words that could really be a comfort.
Suddenly, Sara was ripped from her thoughts when Grissom whispered, "thank you."
Looking up at him, she found him watching her. His gaze was still filled with pain and despair, but beneath she could see a faint glimmer of light. Maybe they had already talked.
He must have seen her unspoken 'For what?', since he answered her.
"For listening, for not judging me, for just taking it as it is."
Sara couldn't believe it. She had finally made the right choice by offering him her presence instead of words.
They continued to sit in silence, but now something had shifted. It was still a tad uncomfortable due to the nature of what Grissom had revealed, but on an interrelationship-level they felt more at ease around each other than they had for a long time.
They rested in the knowledge that they still trusted each other.
"Sara?" She squeezed his hand in response. "I'm sorry that I hurt you."
She knew he was talking about the past year and the rejection of her dinner invitation. She tried to smile at him, conveying that he was forgiven. She knew now why he didn't like people. If he couldn't trust his dad, then how was he supposed to trust others? And that made his trust in her even more precious.
Their hands touching had seemed so big an obstacle just minutes before, but now she could see it was a beginning.
They would need some time and he would still need some help, but they could do it. They could rebuild their relationship – and maybe they could gain something more.
The end