Zaphod's Just this Guy, You Know?
The Vogon Constructor Fleet destroyed the planet Earth a mere twenty-two years ago, which may seem like an awful long time to you, but it is in fact the equivalent of one week in Brazon years.
When the Earth was destroyed, it was apparent that only two ape-descendents escaped. These were of course, Trillion and Arthur Dent.
This is not true.
For in actual fact, over one thousand other ape-descendents also escaped. These were a vast collection of Witches and Wizards. It is widely believed by most ape-descendents that anything to do with the supernatural does not exist.
This is not true.
This is what the Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy has to say about Witches and Wizards:
"These supernatural beings, so called Witches and Wizards, in fact do not exist. They were in fact brought about by crude storytelling methods of the early Galaxy years."
This is of course not true, which is why Ford Prefect was doing field research for a revised version of the book, which conveniently has the words "DON'T PANIC" written on the front in large friendly letters.
Now, I suppose you're beginning to wonder, how on Earth (or off Earth depending which sector of the Galaxy you are from) over one thousand Witches and Wizards managed to escape from the fate being blown up.
You are probably considering two possibilities. These possibilities would be that these thousand or so Witches and Wizards conveniently got drunk at a party in a small Islington Flat, got chatted up by Zaphod Beeblebrox and went with him first to bed, then to the space ship that he stole. Or you could be thinking that these thousand or so Witches and Wizards have each got a best friend who is not in fact from Earth, but from somewhere in the region of Betelgeuse.
These two assumptions are, in fact, not true.
The Witches and Wizards had earlier on in the doomed year been informed by a very reliable source (Professor Colonel Sybil Trelawney) that the Earth was going to be blown up. From this information, the headmaster of a small (in terms of the Brazon's) Wizarding school acted upon this information, and turned the school into a very large and very modern spaceship. Classes went on as normal, though nobody was ever allowed to leave.
When Professor Commander Albus Dumbledore made this decision, about fifty or so prospective parents were looking around the school. So they of course couldn't leave, and were condemned to eke out the rest of their existence in this very new, very modern spaceship. This of course was quite good in a way, because otherwise they would have been blown up.
Thousands of extra rooms were added onto the school-spaceship to accommodate all the new babies that were being born.
The day that the earth was to end, was the day of graduation for the seventh year students. Of course, they couldn't graduate far, only down the corridor to the apartment blocks.
But, it was this day, and as a certain James Potter was receiving his certificate, a loud voice rang out through the new thoroughly modern Great Hall.
This voice was of the head of the Vogon Constructor Fleet and he was informing the people of Earth of the imposing destruction.
Once the Vogon had finished his message, it was all action stations in the thoroughly modern and new school-spaceship.
Dumbledore headed off to the Main Control Room (which was in fact a disused broom cupboard) and began to manoeuvre off the Earth. Just as the huge ship was airborne, the Earth exploded. It was quite fortunate really.
Though it wasn't quite as fortunate for a certain Wizard named Severus Snape.
He had just popped outside the super modern school-spaceship to see where the big voice was coming from, and the ultra-modernized very hoopy school-spaceship left without him. There is of course no need to say what happened to him.
Now, many of you will have read a book called "Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone" (the third biggest seller in the year of 1998, coming in third to The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy and "Oh Dear, Where Has God Gone?) and you will of course know that a family called the Potter's were killed by a Wizard named Voldemort.
This is, of course, is not true.
Lily Evans and James Potter still married (on the ultra modern school-spaceship) and Lily still conceived baby Harry (after a night of heavy drinking with their good friend Sirius Black), but the difference was that they were not killed. This was due to the fact that the Wizard named Voldemort was himself killed by the explosion of Earth on that fateful Thursday morning.
The year our story begins is 2000. On a day in summer of this year, everyone was going about their normal business; lounging around their apartments all day, playing video games in which big space ships blow up little spaceships. What the people playing on these games did not know was that somehow in the space and time continuum, they were in fact, shooting at real spaceships, destroying many of them.
But, we digress. Back to the story. On this day, everyone was going about their normal business, when all of a sudden Professor Corporal Flitwick got wind of a message. He then, passed this message on to Professor Commander Albus Dumbledore.
"Professor Commander. May I have your permission to relay a message?"
"Yes, go ahead, Professor Corporal Flitwick." Replied the commander.
"Guard Malfoy Number two has reported sightings of three alleged hitch hikers. He is awaiting orders from you."
"I see." Said the commander, stroking his goatee thoughtfully (he had to cut his long beard, it kept getting tangled up with the control levers). "Tell Guard Malfoy Number Two to bring them up here for me to interrogate."
"Yes Sir." Professor Corporal Flitwick left the Main Control room and made his way down to Bay Four to relay the relay of the relayed message.
When her got there, he told Guard Malfoy Number Two to take the three Hitch Hikers up to see Professor Commander Dumbledore.
"Who are they?" Professor Corporal asked in an undertone.
"Well," replied Guard Malfoy Number Two, one seems to have a perfectly normal name, Arthur Dent, the other seems to be named after a car, Ford Prefect and the last has a very strange name, Zaphod Beeblebrox. Oh yes, I must warn you, he has two heads.
"Zaphod Beeblebrox. What a preposterous name!" Professor Corporal Flitwick said, "who is he?"
"Well Zaphod's just this guy, you know?" said Guide Malfoy Number Two.
And with that, Professor Corporal Flitwick led the three Hitch Hikers to the Main Control Room.