Hey, Sokka's Fan-Lawyer here!
Yeah, this is probably the last series people would have thought I would write about, but I don't know if it was because I was feel angsty or something, but I had the idea for this one shot and just couldn't shake it. So, here it is, despite me having finals I'm supposed to be studying/writing for.
I'm sorry in advance if it seems…off. This is the first time I'm writing with these characters and thus, OOCness may occur; fair warning. That, and there is more than a little trace of angst and romantic frustration which I think we all understand, but it may be difficult to put into words, so I tried my best here.
Also, as far as where this is in terms of canon, it should be somewhere in the middle of season 5, after Robin and Barney break up, but before Barney decides to pursue her again…I think.
Disclaimer: I own nothing by copies of How I Met Your Mother seasons 1-4.
...
Kids, sometimes on the road to anything, it can be possible to lose sight of the destination due to all the roadbumps along the way. Don't look at me like that, the metaphor works. Look, I just mean there were times before I met your mother that I was this close to losing hope; it had been years and I had tried meeting many girls, but none of them seemed to work out for some reason or another. Some because they were certifiably insane, some because they were more eager to jump the gun than me back then, and other, dirtier reasons...Anyway, there was one time though, I had gotten so beat down that I had almost given up. Thrown in the towel and simply accepted my bachelorhood. Fortunately, your Uncle Barney was there for me then-don't look so surprised, he does have a romantic side to him! Had he not been there, I may really have given up on ever meeting your mother and you two wouldn't have been born, and I may have...
"Maybe I'll join a gay nudist colony." Ted Mosby mumbled into his glass. He was sitting at the bar in MacLaren's, their usual booth having been filled, and the refills were more prompt from there, anyway. Despite the warm, familiar atmosphere, Ted had rarely felt so alone. Even the bartender Carl's presence was unable to lighten his funk; the alcohol was barely helping. "That's what I'll do: I'll join a gay nudist colony." For some reason, he couldn't let that thought go; all his frustration and pain seemed to surge within him and he turned around and boldly slurred to the rest of the bar. "I'M JOINING A GAY NUDIST COLONY!"
His "best" friend Barney Stinson, escorted by two scantily clad women, blinked at him. "…what?" Ted squinted and recognized his friend, perking up slightly.
"Barney! Come…with me…to the…colony; it'll be amazing…." Barney tried to give the women a reassuring look, but they just scowled and stormed out of the bar. Barney groaned and glared at his friend.
"And that's why I hate Drunk Ted." Scowling, he threw himself angrily onto the bar stool next to Ted.
"Tell me about it." Carl, the bartender, scowled. "He's been pulling that "stuff" (stuff-he said "stuff") all night." Carl's annoyance turned to a look of pity; he sighed and pulled out a glass for Barney. "See if you can help him work out whatever it is." He whispered. "Help him, get him out of here, and your next beer's on me." He slid a drink over to Barney with a practiced ease. Barney was about to protest, but between the beer and Carl's glare, he knew that he was obligated now. The suited figure groaned under his breath and turned to Ted.
"So…where's Lily and Marshall? Or, hell, where's Robin for that matter?" Ted hiccupped.
"They…they're busy doing couple…"stuff"…and Robin's with that Don guy still….what're you doing here?"
"I was trying to get the last member for my planned…."four wheeler"… later tonight, but now…" he paused and tried to let go of his frustration. "Now, I'm wondering what's got my best friend considering joining a gay colony." He winked at Carl, who nodded.
"I've given up on women, Barney." Ted said. He looked up at Barney, dazed. "I'm done."
Barney gaped; he could not believe what he was hearing. "Okay, Ted? This is your wingman speaking. What the hell happened?" Ted took a sip from his glass.
"I'm done; I've given up the hunt for The One." He slammed his cup down on the bar. "She's not out there."
"Wait…you're all upset over that again?" Ted glared at the suited man, who quickly added. "I mean, I thought you had a date with that Suzan girl tonight? You know, the one with 'soulful gold eyes'?" Barney gagged a little as the words came out of his mouth; if there was one thing he hated, it was the way that Ted the Romantic described things. It had been one of the things that Barney had wanted to teach him to stop during one of his student's "how to live" lessons. Ted just smiled sadly.
"She never showed." He gestured to the bar. "I've been here for four hours, and I didn't get a text or anything. Third one this week." Barney stared at his friend.
"Anyway idea why?" Ted scoffed.
"Oh sure; because I'm Ted Mosby, loser extraordinaire."
"Ted, come on, you're best friends with―"
"Barney, we've been through this; Marshall is my best friend." Barney just continued as if Ted hadn't said anything.
"You're best friends with the master of awesome himself; you can't be a total loser." Ted blinked.
"Well…well, that's actually nice…for you. Thanks, I guess."
"No problem. Now then, could you finally tell me what's really bothering you?"
"Have you not been listening? I just told you I was stood up three times this week. No calls, no texts, hell, not even a Facebook message. I'm just…not worth the time, I guess." Barney blinked; he could tell this was going out of his area of expertise.
"So…because three girls decided to skip out on you, you're just going to take your balls and go crying home? Game over? Just like that?" It seemed odd, especially coming from Ted the eternally optimistic romantic.
"Barney, this is more than just those three girls; it's about every girl. Every girl I've dated, it's always ended with disaster, one way or another. Karen, Victoria, Stella, hell, even Robin…none of them worked out, and I was left holding the pieces. Between them and all the rest…I'm just getting tired of this 'quest', you know? I'm tired of losing every time."
"Ted, just because you keep losing doesn't mean you shouldn't keep playing; I mean, look at Marshall: he'll never get past level 3 of Ms. Pac Man but he doesn't let that stop him."
"Yeah, but Marshall lucked out and met the girl of his dreams right away in freshman year of college; he doesn't have to keep losing time…after time...and getting his heart ripped to pieces every time." Ted moaned and rested his head on the counter. "I mean, even then, they broke up and "stuff"…not even my own parents could handle living together for the rest of their lives; why should I be any different?" Barney didn't know what to say to that, but he knew he had to try something. So he took a phrase out Ted's book.
"Look…Ted…if there's anyone who deserves to meet that…that 'One'," Barney forced out. "It's you. You actually like that sentimental baggage that goes with living with someone…."
"Yeah, but what if they don't? What if, slowly but surely, I'm figuring out there is no one else who gives a 'stuff' about that stuff? What if I'm figuring out that you were right, Barney? Marriage isn't worth it."
Car shot Barney a warning glare, which Barney shrugged off; contrary to popular believe, he was not such an ass as to confirm Ted's fears, even if he was admitting Barney had been right. "What do you mean?" Barney asked, buying himself some time.
"I mean, I'm tired of opening myself up to someone, only to wind up getting burned! It hurts and every time, I swear that it's just a stepping stone to the real thing, but it's been years and all I still have are this burns that remind me of all the mistakes…I begin to feel stupid for even trying."
"Tell me about it…," Barney took a stiff drink from his glass and looked serious. "Ted, I want you to think about me for a second, will you? I've had 'relationships' with over two hundred women…what does that say about me?"
"Let me guess: 'you're awesome', right?" Ted sneered.
"That may be, but think about it; I was just after the sex. One night stands...or sits…or lying in the bed…or in the coffin-long story-but of all them, there have been only two women that I've ever seriously tried to be in a relationship with: Sharron and Robin. Imagine, if you will, what it takes for a guy like me to actually try to open himself up to someone, only to have it blow up in his face? Sharron cheated and lied to me as she slept with some awesome old guy and Robin…well, you know…it was mutual. It hurts, Ted." Ted blinked; even in his drunken stupor, he knew that it had taken a lot for Barney to admit that; that beneath that expensive suit and cockiness, Barney was more afraid of getting close to someone than even he was. It made sense, in a twisted way; after his first true love, Sharron, had caused Barney to "see the light" and become the suited "awesome" guy, it seemed that all the depth of a relationship was beyond him. In fact, Ted privately thought, Barney probably didn't even have a clue about how to handle a relationship; thanks to Sharron screwing him over, it probably shattered any confidence he had had in his romantic abilities. Then he finally thought that Robin would be worth stepping out of that shell for, only to have it turn out not to be what they both hoped…perhaps Barney could relate to him more than Ted originally thought.
"I know, I know…but that pain…it just makes me realize something." Barney shook his head out of his brief reverie.
"And that would be?"
"That I, Ted Mosby, am unlovable." He paused and tried to take a sip of his drink, only to notice it was empty. "There is no way a woman could possibly love me. I'm such a loser, you know? Why the hell would any girl actually fall for me, the way I do them?"
"...What do you mean?"
"I mean…oh, I don't know," Ted moaned. "I guess, I'm just realizing that obviously, no one could possibly love me, or why would I still have to suffer through this pain again and again and again? Meanwhile, I fall for girls it seems like every week sometimes. Every time, I get my hopes up that this could finally be the girl to like me back, only to have it end before it could even begin. I'm just…pathetic. I mean, look at me." He gestured to his unwashed clothes and red cowboy boots. "Clearly, not the kind of guy women look for; I'm not some sort of Romeo who knows how to actually be in a relationship, apparently. And I'm losing my mind because of it. If I like a woman, but am too afraid of her not liking me back, how am I going to get anywhere? Yet, if you just take a look at my track record, it's obvious that I'll just keep going nowhere, so what's the use of trying? Then there's this pile of self-pity that I've buried myself under; how pathetic is that?
"I'm just so…weak…and pathetic…and afraid…what sort of woman would fall for someone like me? Do I deserve anyone? Or am I just meant to be alone?" Ted sighed and toyed with his glass for a bit; he could see that Carl was not going to refill it again. Barney said nothing for a while. Finally, he spoke up.
"Robin." Ted blinked and looked at his friend.
"What?"
"I said, Robin. Robin fell for you, Ted, before you actually got together. Hell, she even refused to ride the Barnacle even after he went bare pickle in front of her. She just insisted she had feelings for you…."
"You did what?" Ted gaped. Barney scowled.
"Look, it was a part of the Bro Code, okay? One bro doesn't tell his best bro friend that another bro is in love with him, and they don't admit that mutual friend bro stripped naked to have sex with them…dammit." He realized that he had said too much; fortunately, Ted seemed either too confused with all the "bros" or didn't find Barney's attempt to sleep with his girlfriend before she was his actual girlfriend surprising.
"Wait, so Robin's a bro?" Barney nodded.
"Yeah; she makes a better wingman than you, Ted. She's a better wingman than Goose." He smiled a little. Ted looked at Barney for a few seconds, then nodded.
"Yeah, I guess that makes sense…a woman as a wingman…able to fly under the enemy's radar and get them from behind…" Ted pondered. "There's definite possibilities there.
"Yes there is…," Barney murmured; Ted suspected that they probably weren't talking about the same thing right then. After a few seconds, the suit-loving man shook himself out of it and turned to his friend. "Anyway, the point is: you somehow managed to get someone like Robin to fall in love with you; you must be doing something right, I guess."
"I just don't know Barney…it seems like I'm just a…a friend sort of guy; do you have any idea how many times I've heard the 'let's just be friends' line?"
"Once?" Ted's expression fell at Barney's guess.
"Okay, yeah, once, but you know what I mean!"
"I'm not entirely sure I do."
"All I'm saying is that there's no way a guy like me can get a woman to―"
"'…Fall in love with me' My God, do you even hear yourself? My mother, God rest her soul,…"
"Dude, your mom's alive…." Ignoring Ted, Barney continued.
"I swear, my mother bitched less when…when," he sniffed. "Well, when Bob left her."
Ted rolled his eyes. "Barney, what part of 'Bob Barker isn't your father' don't you get?"
"Then who did I get my hair and charisma from, Ted, who? Please." Barney scoffed, dismissing his friend's skepticism. "As I was saying: stop whining already; you sound like a little girl who just found out that the Easter Bunny doesn't exist and your making me ashamed to be seen with you. Don't make me get Marshall and Lily to Intervention your ass into the ground." Ted sighed.
"I'm so pathetic…"
"Now you're just going around in circles." Barney caught Carl's eye and gestured for a refill. "Look, you may be pathetic, you may suck at seducing women, you may desperately need a suit, you may be overly obsessed with your hair, but you are Ted Mosby, architect professor and the chosen wingman to Barney Stinson! Take some pride in that, otherwise I'll have to make that kid from the office my new wingman…." He shuddered at the thought. Ted laughed a little.
"You know…you may be right." He finally relented. Barney just rolled his eyes.
"No 'stuff'; haven't you learned that all my advice is right?" Ted ignored Barney and continued.
"I mean, if I managed to get Robin of all people to fall for me, it can happen again, right?" Barney nodded. "Right!" Ted looked at the rest of MacLaren's patrons, looking for a girl. The second he spotted one, he slowly began to get off the bar stool…only to quickly sit back down again. Barney shook his head.
"No, no, NO! Ted, what have we just spent the last half hour talking about? To hell with those crappy girls and go get yourself laid before you make me hire a stripper." Ted stared at the counter and said nothing. Barney sighed.
"You owe me." Ted shot him a confused glance as Barney stood up. "Dammit Ted, I told you the best Ghostbuster was Venkman!" He stumbled clumsily and bumped into an attractive woman standing near the bar. "Sorry Ms.…say, you look like you're an intelligent woman, tell me: who is the best Ghostbuster? My friend Ted here," He gestured drunkenly over at Ted, whose face was red with embarrassment. "Keeps saying that Winston is the best; but I sayz, I sayz…look, Winston doesn't show up, like at all, so how the hell can he be the best? Am I right?" He chuckled as the woman gave Barney a dirty look and shrugged helplessly at Ted who saw, now that she was facing him, her Ghostbusters T-shirt. How the hell did Barney…?
"I'm sorry, but your friend-Ted, was it?-is right; Winston is the better Ghostbuster." Barney looked dismayed.
"Are you two serious?" Ted and the woman glanced at each other and shrugged.
"Sorry dude, but it seems like it's two to one." Ted replied. Barney scowled.
"I can't believe I associate with you. That's it, I'm leaving. Carl!" he snapped his figures. "A beer for the road! It seems Ted's walking home tonight." He stormed away and took a stool near the door as he waited for Carl to give him the beer. The woman rolled her eyes as she watched him go.
"Is he normally such a diva?" She took the seat beside Ted, who shrugged again; it seemed safe.
"Yeah, don't mind him; Bill Murray's been his favorite actor since forever, so he's a bit touchy about that."
"Really? James Earl Jones is mine." She sighed happily. "The man has the voice of God…besides, who else could have said, 'Luke, I am your father' in The Empire Strikes Back? No one." Ted nodded firmly.
"I know, right?" He held out his hand. "I'm Ted, by the way." The woman laughed and met his gaze.
"Yeah, I gathered. I'm…." Carl loudly set the beer on the counter, stopping Barney from hearing the rest. The two watched as Ted and the woman shook hands and began to adamantly talk about Star Wars. Carl glanced down at the seated Barney and smirked.
"You're a good friend." He slid the beer over to Barney who grabbed it.
"Duh, I'm his best friend; you know me better than that." Carl just laughed and walked away. His duty done, and free beer in hand, Barney got up and began to head to the exit; there was still plenty of time to pick up someone to spend the evening with.
"Hey Barney!" Ted called. Barney paused at the door and glanced behind him. Ted gave him a knowing smile. "Maybe you should tell Goose about the wingman thing; you make a good team, right?" Barney felt something in his chest pause at Ted's words. He couldn't mean… Barney thought. Ted just shrugged and mouthed thank you. Barney shook his head and began to walk out the door.
After all, between bros and best friends, some things didn't have to be said.
…
And that's it! I'm sorry if it was too angsty and OOC; this is my first time with the characters 1, and 2, I'm not that good at angsty stuff anyway, let alone romantic stuff, so this was nice practice; let me know how it turned out, I guess.
Also thanks so much for actually reading this! I tried to place as many references to the series as I could, so hopefully you guys can spot them all (there aren't that many, but if you think you found one, feel free to mention it). I appreciate any input you can provide for improvement!
You know, I'm beginning to notice just how many of my stories start off with the main character drunk at a bar...wow, I wonder what that says about me? There's definitely a common theme going here...*sigh*
Thanks for reading!