Legal stuff: I do not own Degrassi or have any affiliation with it, I just own the idea
Thank you to Halawen for her encouragement and support while writing this difficult story.
To know before reading:
Possible Trigger Warning
Clare and Eli never got back together or slept together at prom
Clare is in her first year at TU living with Alli
Drew and Owen also attend TU and Owen and Clare have become friends
Alli is dating Drew who never dated Bianca
Clare doesn't know the older guys except Spinner and Peter
Choices and Mistakes
(Clare)
"Come on Clare you need to get and have some fun. All you do is sit around here and study, besides we need to find you a guy. Even you said you'd like to meet a guy, how are you going to do that with your nose buried in a book in your room forever," Alli goades.
"Fine Alli," and I sigh and stand up, walking to the door. "So are we going or what?" I question.
"Clare look down, you're in sweat pants and a tank top. You can't wear that to a dance club. I have the perfect thing for you," she tells me excitedly and pulls me away from the dorm room door into her room. She convinces me to put on black leggings and a shimmery sequined shirt, along with one of her many pairs of black stiletto pumps. I've never felt comfortable in leggings, but if I don't wear them I'll never get Alli off my case and they actually do look alright I think when I look down.
"You look so hot," she says starting to fix my hair and then my makeup before finally announcing that I'm ready to go. We go out to the hall and meet up with Drew, Dallas and his girlfriend Bianca and Mo, as Owen didn't feel like going out tonight.
We take a taxi to the club and the first thing Alli says when we get inside is I need a drink. Now I'm not much of a drinker, but since leaving for college, it's happened a bit more. Alli pesters and pesters as we walk toward the bar, so finally I concede. "Ok Alli, how about a screwdriver then?" I suggest and hope to get more orange juice than vodka. The bartender fixed mine along with Alli's, Bianca's and the guys' drinks and Alli paid for hers and mine.
Mo left us to go check out girls while the rest of us sat at a table sipping our drinks and listening to the music. "Do you see anyone you might like?" Alli questions as Dallas and Bianca get up to go dance.
"Not really Alli, there's a ton of people and the strobe lights make it hard to see," I comment, and then before I can even finish my drink Alli pulls me up from my seat.
"We'll be back," she calls to Drew and then pulls me down to the dance floor. We walk around through the crowds a little and then stops beside a dark curly haired guy. "What's your name?" she calls over the music.
"Michael," he loudly answers.
"Nice to meet you, I'm Alli and this is Clare, are you here with someone?" she asks as I stand by and shyly smile.
"No," he calls out.
"You guys should dance and get to know each other," she suggests and his smile gets bigger. I nod slightly and she walks away. I move in slightly and quite nervously sway to the music as I'm not much of a dancer and the techno in the club is hard to dance along to. Michael puts his hands on my waist moving me closer, so I put my hands around his neck.
"Where are you from?" I ask over the music after a bit of silence.
"Montreal, but I'm a student at York," he comments, and I'm starting to hear the hint of a French accent now. "You?" he asks.
"I'm from Toronto and going to TU," I call in reply. We dance a little longer with random questions, and then I feel something, and realize his hands have moved from politely on my waist to sitting on my butt. I look up unlocking my fingers and step back, and all of a sudden Alli is right next to me again, and we're walking away arm in arm but I feel one last tap on my butt as we leave. "He had his hands on my butt," I comment.
"I saw, that's why I came back," she comments, knowing I am not the most comfortable with guys. "French guys can be handsy, think about Leo" she says and I cringe, "but I didn't want to scare you away all together, which is why I stayed close," she comments.
I smile and think about it for a moment. "How did you know he was French?" I question.
"I heard the accent when he spoke. Whether it's France or Quebec there's still an accent," she comments as we get near to the DJ on the platform stage. I see a cute blonde guy but he's dancing with a girl as Alli continues walking slightly pulling me with her. We stop by a group of guys and she speaks with them for a minute but with the music so loud I can't hear what they're saying. I know I don't really feel comfortable, but Alli is my best friend so I figure she's just trying to help me find a guy. She waves me over and introduces me to the group of guys before she walks away again. I see the blonde guy again, but he's busy. I talk with this group of guys, but they don't seem too interested in talking with me, so not long after I decide to walk away.
"Alli, I don't really want to try to find any other guys tonight, I'm just going to enjoy the music," I comment when I reach her dancing with Drew. They both smile seeming to understand although Alli has a disappointed look in her eyes that I'm giving up. I walk up the couple of steps from the main dance floor going to the bar and ask for water and then lean on the railings looking out at everyone dancing while I sip my drink.
I stand and watch for about 10 minutes before a guy walks up beside me and smiles. I'm slightly creeped out, and attempt to ignore him and hope he'll stop looking at me, but it doesn't work. He begins speaking, and I was always taught to be polite so I answer back but keep my answers short. Soon he begins making me laugh. We're actually facing each other now, and I wouldn't say he's the tall, dark and handsome definition of handsome, but he's handsome in his own way with his dark blonde hair, short stature and tanned skinned.
"Would you like to dance?" he questions and I decide that maybe he's not so bad.
"Ok," I reply. We dance together through some fast as well as slow songs, talking a little as we go.
"What's your name?" he asks and I tell him. I ask also but the music is too loud and I can't understand him so I just nod my head as we continue dancing and then before I realize it his hands are on the small of my back and the side of my face and he's leaned in and kissing me and I'm not quite sure how to react. I can taste some sort of alcohol on his breath, and I take a moment opening my eyes slightly that closed on their own and look around a little. Before this I'd only pecked with KC, and kissed Eli a few times, but we never went too far. Eli wasn't always happy about it, but accepted that my faith was important to me, and didn't pressure me very much.
We kiss and finally pull away for air, essentially still holding on to each other though, and then I see not only Alli and Drew a few steps away but Bianca and Dallas too, and I see Dallas holding his camera phone.
"So you met someone after all," Alli comments smiling. "We're headed out now, but you should come back to the dorm with us," Alli pretty much flirts with him.
I look at Alli like she's nuts but keep my mouth shut as he looks at me, "sure," he answers. Alli and Drew walk toward the door and Bianca walks up to us.
"Be really careful," she comments in almost a whisper. "Here's my number, call me so I know you're safe or if you need anything," she comments and has written down her number handing it to me and I nod, although at this point in the morning she's pretty drunk. She walks back to Dallas and the 6 of us walk out of the club to the busy street.
The others decide to buy food in a shop across the road, but I'm not hungry so we don't go in. Instead he leans against the brick wall with me between his legs and his hands clasped together behind my lower back. Although I'm still nervous I decide this isn't so bad after all. "Sorry, the music was loud inside, can you tell me your name again please?" I comment in between kissing, which is rather nice.
"It's Sean," he tells me and this time I hear him.
"That's nice," I comment, "so how old are you?" I question.
"26, and you?" he asks.
"19," I answer as the others exit the shop with food in their hands. I ask Drew for a bite and rather enjoy the fried pizza he got, although I think he gave me a bite of mostly crust. We walk down the sidewalk about a block, and Sean and I are even holding hands now. Although I think part of this has to do with the fact of how busy this whole section of the city is with cars and people still out enjoying the night life.
We get to a lineup of big taxis waiting on patrons coming out of the clubs and bars. By this time Mo has caught up with us, and somehow Alli, Drew, Bianca, Dallas, Mo and some red-head all climb into one taxi, and I'm stunned that any of them would leave me alone in this part of the city with a guy I've only known an hour. "Just get the next one," Alli calls through the window as the taxi pulls away. I look at Sean as the next taxi moves up and we climb in. I give him the address and then Sean and I spend the ride mostly kissing. It feels nice, but I'm still not really sure what I'm doing or why I'm doing it. How in the world does Alli always talk me into stuff?
When we arrive outside the building Sean is nice enough to pay for the ride and then we go inside with my key and go upstairs in the elevator and he's holding my hand again. But although I'm kind of enjoying myself I won't take him even to my dorm room, not to mention my bedroom. Instead I hear noise from the guys' dorm next to mine and we go in there instead. As we walk down the hall I see Owen's door closed. We get to the kitchen/lounge area and I find Alli sitting on Drew's lap at the kitchen table, and Mo and the red-head making out across from them but don't see Dallas or Bianca. "Where's Bianca and Dallas?" I question as Sean and I each sit in our own chairs at the table.
"They went back to her room," Alli comments coming up for air. We eat and talk for a bit and I didn't even notice when Mo and the red-head left the room and never came back. Sean and I move chairs so we're sitting closer to Alli and Drew and when I go to sit, Sean guides me into his lap. While Alli and I talk with Sean a bit and learn that he had been in the Canadian army which included a tour in Afghanistan, Drew's been spending most of this time kissing Alli's neck and shoulder, given the straps on the dress she's wearing. Sean asks a bit about me, and I tell him about myself which includes my faith but don't get into that too much.
Sean and I continue talking about random stuff getting to know each other and then I look around the room and we are the only ones left. Again, they all left me with a guy I've only known 3 hours, but as Drew's room is against the wall to the lounge I can hear Alli and Drew, and they are kind of loud. "You know we're the only ones left here, why don't we go back to your room?" Sean suggests, and I take a deep breath.
"No, I'm a Christian, I'm saving myself for marriage," I comment and Sean nods a little and we go back to talking and then kissing. He starts feeling up my legs, and I suppose this is expected so I let him continue. But he begins to feel up my shirt getting to the hem of the leggings I really wish I wasn't wearing, and begins to get his fingertips between my panties and skin before I pull away. "Sean stop, I'm not comfortable with this," I tell him pulling away from the kiss and attempt to stand up.
"No, please stay," Sean says while his arms tighten around my waist, but above my shirt this time. "I'm sorry," he comments, and I'm not sure if he really means it but I nod and we talk some more before he moves my hair from my shoulder and begins kissing my neck which feels really nice, but I bite my lip hoping I don't make any noise. I shift so I'm a little more comfortable, and then a feel Sean not only move my shirt down off my shoulder but my bra strap too.
I like the feel of his kissing and being touched does feel good, so I don't stop him just yet I decide and move so that we're kissing each other's lips again. I'm curious if he thinks I'm a good kisser but I'm afraid to ask.
"You're beautiful," Sean comments in my ear, and I smile before realizing that he's pulled down the cup of my bra and is massaging my breast and pinching my nipple slightly, and now I don't know how to feel. I quickly move his hand away along with my bra and sleeve back up.
"Sean stop," I plead with a quiver in my voice and tears beginning to form in my eyes unsure what to do. I don't just want to leave, and yet I feel like I've been violated and I'm dirty. My body is meant for my husband and now some random guy has seen and felt my breast I rant in my own head and Sean just starts kissing my neck again. Where are my friends when I need them? I continue to question. Now I remember why I always hated leggings, and don't feel comfortable in other people's clothes.
I sit quite still for a short time as Sean kisses my neck. "You know you invited me here, so why don't we go to your room," he remarks as he pulls away and I'm brought back to my uncomfortable reality.
"Actually Alli invited you here," I comment.
"Who's Alli?" he questions.
"Drew's girlfriend, the girl we were talking to earlier. She invited you here, I just didn't get a chance to reply, and no I'm not showing you my room," I state quietly as I attempt to stand my ground before something else happens. But then Sean does something I don't expect. I'm suddenly picked up off his lap into his arms as he walks around the table and flicks off the light switch but leaves the door open, carrying me to the couch sitting against the wall the guys have.
Sean sits and then moves a pillow to lay his head down on and lays me down practically on top of him in between him and the back of the couch, which makes it extremely tough to leave now. The darkness is eerie as the only light is from the stove because there is a flag pinned up over the two windows in the room. "Come on Clare, its ok," Sean comments. "If you won't show me to your room, we can just stay here," he remarks, with an arm around my waist and his outer arm on my neck and kisses my lips again. He wipes away the couple of stray tears that fell.
"You really are beautiful," he states rubbing my back and this actually feels really soothing, and comforting, and then he attempts one more time to touch me, by lifting my light sequined shirt and attempting and get his hand under the leggings, but this time I just grab his hand and move it away and neither of us say anything. He seems content with this now and all we do is kiss for a while and then after needing to stop for air I just lay my head on his chest and he wraps his arm tighter around me.
We lay in the dark in silence for a while and then I realize Sean has fallen asleep. I don't know where he lives or even his last name and I could never carry him downstairs and put him in a cab, and I don't want to be here anymore so I softly move his arm and sit up. I am now directly on the couch between him and the back so I can slide across without disturbing him, and am able to get up. I'm grabbing a blanket because even after everything that happened I still somehow care, and lay it across him. What I don't realize until I've turned around is Owen has walked from his room into the lounge/kitchen for a snack.
I gasp slightly when I see him, and he's looking at me, slightly shocked, but I can't even look him in the eyes, and not just because the room is dark. "Clare are you alright?" he asks, and the first thing I do is quickly wrap my arms around him in a hug, and he does the same very tightly, and I feel safe again.
I feel tears begin falling again as I pull away. "Yes I'm okay, thank you for the hug," I comment. He wipes away a few tears, and then I walk out past him to my own dorm going in quickly closing the door which automatically locks and the going to my room and quickly closing and manually locking my door.
Normally I wouldn't worry about locking my door when I'm in my own room, but tonight I feel scared that Sean could possibly get in, although now it's unlikely as he doesn't even know which dorm is mine, but my mind isn't quite thinking clearly. And what scares me more is that I didn't fight. Although I wasn't roofied, or raped like Darcy or even forced to drink, I didn't fight to say I wanted to wear my own clothes, I didn't fight to say I didn't want to drink, I didn't fight when Alli invited Sean back with us, and I didn't fight enough when he continued to touch and kiss me. It actually felt kind of nice kissing him, and it worries me I got into a situation I didn't ever want to fine myself in.
"I go to the mirror in my room and attempt to quickly wash off what makeup is left, and I don't even turn on the light, and then I realize something. I look in the mirror at the shirt I'm wearing and realize that even in the dark with just the lights from outside it is translucent. I can see not only my blue bra under the purple top, but I can see my whole torso and where the leggings are under the shirt and I'm mortified quickly pulling off all the clothes and getting into the most comfortable pyjamas I have with me and lay in my bed grabbing my phone.
I call the number Bianca gave me while we were at the club but don't get an answer, and I assume she and Dallas are asleep in her room. I leave a message saying its Clare, I got back from the club and I'm safe now, and then drop it on the floor, climbing under the covers, and for the first time since I was a child pull the blankets up over my head like a hiding place leaving only enough space to get air, and cry myself to sleep.
I wake up late Saturday morning and my mind is still racing. I attempt to hide in my room as much as possible, and this is usually a habit for me so no one really says much. When I do go out of my dorm to do laundry, I see Owen who gives me a slightly worried look but doesn't say anything and I am relieved to find that Sean is gone. I go back up to my room and do some homework for a while and then my phone buzzes so I pick it up to check it out.
Who is this? it asks.
Clare: Bianca, it's Clare. I answer back because it's the same number from early this morning.
I don't know a Clare and I'm not Bianca, stop bothering me. The text reads, and I have to read it a few times to comprehend that I wasn't talking to Bianca.
I sit on my bed, dropping my phone to the floor, and rest my head in hands and my elbows on my knees, just sitting in silence until long past my hands and legs have been hurting. I get some dinner and avoid everyone for the rest of the weekend.
On Monday morning when classes start I find myself sitting in my spot and Owen sits next to me. "Clare what happened Friday night, you didn't look alright," he comments in a whisper.
"Alli invited that guy you saw sleeping on your couch Friday night back to the dorms for me, but didn't even ask how I felt about it. She had been trying to set me up with a guy and when that didn't work and this guy found me she decided he was perfect," I comment, and then class begins.
When class is over I want to run out of class but Owen catches me. "Clare I have time can you tell me what happened?" he asks as we get to a secluded spot. How do you tell the guy you have a crush on, who knows about your faith and promise to wait for marriage, and has laughed at it, about what happened?
"I can't tell you Owen, but he had fun," I comment running off before Owen can stop me, and I'm not even sure if I said he or we. I get through the day and then the next few weeks scared I'll run into Sean or that Owen will ask more questions, but all he does is give me a sympathetic look any time we cross paths. I see Alli but she never asks how the night went, it's like she doesn't even remember.
About 3 weeks later it's Drew's birthday. It's a Thursday night so most people are staying in because of having school tomorrow morning, but Alli has decided to take Drew to a different dance club in the city to party. "Clare this for Drew and for me, he's your friend too, you should be there," Alli comments very convincingly that I need to come out to celebrate. Since Adam's passing Drew and I have grown closer and between Alli's convincing and what's going on in my head I feel like I should go.
This time I choose to wear my own clothes and high heels and I only get water. The small group of us that do go out enjoy the celebration in the clubs lounge and then dance for a while, with Drew and Alli always very close. Eventually I get tired and walk outside for some air. The couple of bouncers see me and watch as I sit on a set of steps next to the door away from those smoking cigarettes, and take off my shoes. I figure neither Alli nor Drew has even realized I'm gone.
I'm sitting outside for about five minutes enjoying the night air and the sky that can be seen above the city lights when a guy walks out from the club and sits down on the steps too but at the far side furthest away from me and the club door. We sit in silence for a few minutes.
"Beautiful night isn't it?" he remarks into the otherwise quiet night.
"Yes, it's gorgeous," I answer politely, but cautiously as what happened the last time I was out plays through my mind, and I don't want to end up in that situation again.
"Are you a student?" he asks.
"Yes, I'm a journalism major at TU," I respond, and then berate myself a bit for telling him which school, and yet he probably would have asked if I didn't tell him, so I guess I was just saving time in a way.
"Really, I'm in journalism at Ryerson," he comments and moves across the step closer to me. I'm already sitting against the railing so there's nowhere for me to go without standing up and walking away but that would not only be rude, but I've actually met someone with a same interest as me so I don't really want to walk away now.
"Cool, are you into print stuff like magazines and newspapers or broadcast journalism like radio and tv and such?" I question knowing Ryerson has both programs cause that's where Adam had wanted to go.
"Print mostly, I'm not big on cameras but I like the thought of seeing my name in print. I've always enjoyed writing and did best in English in school so I thought this was the perfect fit," he remarks and I smile.
"Ya, I've always loved literature, and writing. Plus the news has always interested me, so I thought I'd like to write for newspapers, but that may have to change as more go out of business to be published on line," I comment. "I'd like to make a difference in a way by presenting news from around the world in a truthful way," I add.
"That sounds like a great ambition," he comments. "I'm Danny," he introduces himself and puts out his hand.
I reach out shaking his hand. "I'm Clare," I respond with a smile. We go on talking about school and our hobbies, and I learn he's 21. After a while we notice the time and decide to go in so I can grab my coat and find Alli and Drew. We get to the door but the bouncer says I need to put my shoes back on so I quickly do and then Danny and I got downstairs, and I find Alli and Drew dancing and making out together. They've definitely been drinking again.
We finally all get back outside and I look at Danny, but Alli decides to put in her voice, because oh how she likes to talk. "Are you leaving us?" she asks Danny, after I have introduced him to my friends.
"Well I came with my friend and a group of other guys that I didn't really know. I don't know what happened to them and I'm not really sure where I am within the city compared to home now," he comments and then looks at his phone. "And my phone's dead," he remarks after a moment.
"Why don't you just come back with us? You can use the phone and spend more time with Clare," Alli suggests and again doesn't ask what I think.
Danny looks at me, and I shrug, "It's probably the only way you'll find out how to get home," I comment, feeling bad he's lost and his friends have left him, as Alli claps her hands in excitement that Danny is coming back to the dorm with us.
Tonight we've been in a quieter area of the city so there aren't lines of taxis waiting for people. Actually hardly any cars went by tonight while I sat outside. I don't know the number to call a taxi and very quickly it's decided we'll just walk home. We talk some more as we walk, and part way through I have to take off my heels again and carry them, just determined to pay attention to the ground as I walk. It's been about an hour when we get back and again we go into the guys' dorm but this time Alli and Drew go into his room right away, and I'm left alone again.
Danny and I sit and talk for about half an hour and we even kiss on the couch for a while, and then I yawn soon after. "You can go to bed, I'll be fine," Danny comments with a smile. I don't really want to leave him alone in here, but I also don't want to take him to my room and he understands when I explain my reasons. "I can sleep in here on the couch and then call to find a way home in the morning," he remarks and now I smile.
"Ok, and thanks for understanding," I finally give in after we both yawn a few more times. Together we make up the same couch in the lounge and then he lays down with a blanket over him and I turn out the light before I head to my room.
When I get there I realize I left my shoes at the guys' place but don't plan on going back. Danny was nice and it was nice to meet him, but I'm still scared and worried as what happened with Sean continues to play in my head as I fall asleep. I get up and head to school the next morning, and again Alli doesn't say anything.
I get home that night and eat dinner, and then begin on my homework when there is a knock on the door. I go to my bedroom door and open it to find Mo standing there. He and I never really had much to say to each other while we went to Degrassi, especially when he was dating Marisol, so I find it strange that he's at my door now.
"You know, if you're going to bring strange men back to the dorms, can you please take them to your dorm. It's very rude to leave a complete stranger asleep in our lounge when we have lots of expensive game systems and stuff around," he comments and now I'm hurt and angry.
"Was anything taken?" I mutter but loud enough so he can hear as my eyes start to fill with tears.
"No everything's still there, but that's not the point," he remarks rudely and now I'm upset.
"Then you make sure Alli doesn't invite anymore guys back here for me. She invited him back and I never got a say in whether he came back or not. They made that decision. I didn't want him to know which dorm or room was mine and you guys were all gathered in your place, and then left me alone with him," I comment only referring to Sean. "I don't plan on ever having any more guys here," I add with a bit of venom thinking back on what happened.
"Ok, I'll talk to Alli," he comments looking at my face, and then turns walking away and now I can feel the tears falling. What I didn't see because of Mo and then my tears was that Owen was just leaving his dorm at the same time.
I turn around walking to my bed and sit down crossing my legs leaning against the wall and just let the tears fall. I get blamed for Sean and Danny staying over and the possibility of them stealing stuff which didn't happen. And although I'm the one that met both guys, it was Alli who, without asking me what I thought invited them back and then left me alone cause she was too busy with Drew to notice how I felt, I think with my head in my hands, until I feel someone sit next to me and put their arm around my shoulders.
"Clare?" Owen questions. "What happened? Why are you crying?" he asks and I wipe my eyes a little so I can see his face.
"Everything I guess. Mo blamed me because the guys that came back could have stolen stuff from your dorm, and he said if I was going to bring guys back I should have taken them to my dorm, but I didn't even invite them in the first place," I whisper, struggling to get out the words, but Owen seems to understand.
"Mo is right that they could have taken stuff, but I know they didn't and he's overreacting a bit. I mean it's not the first time someone's brought a stranger back to the dorms. Although I was surprised when guys came back with you," he comments and I burst into tears again.
"Yes I met both guys, but I never wanted to be in the position that I found myself in where I was alone with these guys where I live," I comment and Owen gives me an odd look.
"Clare forget about what Mo said, but can you start from the top, I mean you're not the type to bring home random guys," he comments.
"Why would you care Owen, you laughed after we became friends and I told you about my faith and my vow to stay a virgin until my wedding night," I comment and lift my head to look right at him, and I see his face drop.
"I'm sorry Clare that was wrong of me. To be honest I didn't realize at the time you were being serious. It's just such a strange idea nowadays, especially with college life and stuff. I never meant to hurt you," he tells me, and I know now he's being sincere, I can see it in his eyes.
I take a deep breath and then I start explaining. "Alli was the one who invited both of the guys back and didn't even ask my opinion, and then both times I was left alone with these guys when Alli decided to go to Drew's room. So I made the mistake not to say anything when she invited them back, I guess cause I didn't want to seem rude or like a prude like I've been called for so many years, but Alli made a choice that should have been mine," I explain.
"I'm so sorry anyone ever called you a prude or any other names Clare. I've learned from my mistakes how much bullying in any form can hurt. But what about the guys?" Owen questions.
"Last night I met Danny. He's in journalism at Ryerson and was really sweet. Once we all got back after walking home and he and I were left alone unexpectedly, we talked and even kissed for a little while. But when we both got tired he was gracious and understanding enough to be okay with staying on your couch when I explain my faith and my vow. See, part of the reason Alli invited him back with us, besides pressuring me about finding a guy, which I would like to do one day but she's all about doing it right away, is that he had lost the group of people he went to the club with and had no way to call a taxi or get home. He wasn't even quite sure where in the city we were, so he wanted to call when he got up this morning," I explain.
"Ok, he doesn't sound so bad Clare, I'm glad he was understanding, but I found you in my living room the night the first guy came back so I'm guessing that didn't go as well," he comments and now I start crying again as I think about what happened.
"The dancing and even the kissing at the club was nice. At first I wasn't quite sure about him, but then I figured that it just had to do with not really being used to the club life. But maybe I should have listened to my own instincts a little more. Alli invited him back and he said yes before I could say anything so we went back. He and I were alone in a taxi together because again Alli and Drew, plus Bianca and Dallas and Mo and the red-head he was with got the taxi ahead of us," and I feel Owen's arm tense around me. "Bianca had given me her number that night warning me to be safe, but with how drunk she was she gave me the wrong number," I comment, and he laughs slightly.
"I'm glad to know Bianca tried to look out for you but ya when she's drunk she's really not in the best frame of mind to think about anything but what she wants," he comments.
I smile slightly and then take another deep breath. "Bianca and Dallas had gone to her room when they got back, and Mo and the red-head made out and then left for his room soon after we all got back. After they left Sean and I moved closer to Alli and Drew, and he pulled me into his lap. Alli and I talked to Sean for a while and learned he had served in the army and was in Afghanistan for a while and we had a nice conversation. Drew on the other hand spent the time kissing Alli's neck. At some point Sean and I began kissing too and I didn't realize when Alli and Drew left for his room. I was shocked Alli would leave me, although after everything that happened earlier I really shouldn't have been. I was actually enjoying the kissing and I was okay with that but then he started going further which I didn't like as much," I get to and I'm finding it harder to speak now.
"Did he hurt you? Did he force you into something?" Owen asks stiffening up and then releasing a breath adds, "you're safe, he can't hurt you now."
"After kissing for a little while he suggested I take him back to my room, but I explained my faith and my vow to wait and he seemed to understand and we went back to kissing and then he started feeling up my legs. I was dumb enough to be wearing some of Alli's leggings and sequined top. I've never liked leggings but she said I looked hot and couldn't go out in sweats. Anyway, he got his hands up my legs and then under my shirt and attempted to get his fingers in my panties," I say and know my eyes are filling with tears again. I start to wipe them away, and then Owen does it for me.
"You are not dumb Clare, you are one of the smartest people I know," Owen comments.
I smile but shake my head. "I'm really not so smart, given what I'm telling you now," I remark and look down feeling ashamed. "I pulled his hand out telling him to stop and tried to leave but he convinced me to stay and apologized," I continue. "We talked a little more and then started kissing again. He moved my hair from my shoulder and began kissing my neck which I did enjoy, and bit my lip. He continued and moved my shirt and bra strap off my shoulder a little and I didn't want to stop him as I knew we were both enjoying this, but then he called me beautiful and I realized he'd moved my shirt and pulled down my bra enough to massage my breast and pinch my nipple," I tell Owen and I'm in tears again. But then I second guess myself and wonder, just as I did that night, if I am overreacting.
But my thoughts of shame are temporarily halted when I feel Owen's arm tighten and I hear him growling. "Clare, how far did it go? Did he…?"
"No," I shake my head before Owen can growl out the word rape. "I told him to stop, but at this point I was upset. I felt dirty and violated, and like what I was saving for my husband was no longer a gift to share just between he and I. I had let myself be put in a compromising position even after promising myself I would never let it go that far, and this was my punishment for that," I comment with deep sadness.
"Clare, you were being a girl. You went out to have fun with your friends, and ended up in a situation that you weren't comfortable with. Alli and Drew, and Bianca and Dallas are your friends, they should have been looking out for you," Owen answers and I can hear he's attempting to stay calm. "You are not dirty Clare, you said no and he didn't listen, he should be punished," Owen comments and I see his fist clenching as he says this.
"But maybe I lead him on. I was wearing Alli's leggings, and spiked heels, and what I found out later was a translucent top. After I told him to stop he mentioned that I invited him back here and suggested going to my room again. I commented that it was Alli who invited him, and he asked me who Alli was. I told him, and affirmed I wouldn't show him to my room, but he suddenly picked me up and I didn't know what was happening," I worry thinking back.
"Clare you said no, that was all it should have taken," Owen asserts and I hear the command in his voice now. "Why didn't you try to get our attention? You know we would have killed him right away for touching you," Owen comments, but I hang my head again.
"I felt ashamed and embarrassed I guess. I didn't know if I could do anything, or even if I could what I would be able to do. It's not like he raped me, and I didn't have proof. He didn't break in or anything, and I guess I was afraid of people thinking I was overreacting to something that didn't matter. It mattered to me, but would it matter to other people?" I question out loud.
"It would have mattered Clare, to me it would have mattered," Owen assures me but I don't know right now. "I'm guessing he carried you to the couch turning out the lights as that's where I found you?" Owen questions.
"Yes," I reply meekly. "He laid us both down, with me on top and his arms tight around me and I couldn't get up," I respond quietly as I'm still embarrassed about all of this, "and commented that if I wouldn't show him my room that we could just kiss on the couch instead," I tell Owen. "He told me it was ok, and then started kissing me. He even wiped away a few tears that had fallen," I comment.
"Clare, it definitely wasn't right if he made you cry," Owen responds and then kisses the top of my head.
"I was crying because I was scared and it hurt," I tell him and hear a growl when I say I was hurt. "Sean kissed my neck and was rubbing my back and it was soothing, and comforting, like he really cared, and then he attempted one more time to get his hand down the back of the leggings. I pulled it out and he never tried to touch me again, we just kissed, but I still felt trapped in his arms. After I had to pull away for air at some point I just felt done and laid my head down, and his arms tightened, but never moved again. Eventually I realized he was asleep, and I was able to get up. After everything I stupidly still cared enough that I grabbed a blanket and put it over him, and then got up turning around and saw you," I tell Owen.
"You could never be stupid Clare, and caring and compassion are some of your best qualities," he tells me, but right now I just feel stupid and ashamed and begin to cry. I turn into Owen slightly with my head on his chest and I feel him shift and put his other arm around me in a hug. I actually feel safe in Owen's arms, and I haven't really felt safe since before I met Sean. I don't know how long we sit in silence, but finally my tears dry and I sniffle in the last few and pull away from Owen's chest as he lets one arm drop, but keeps up the one around the back of my shoulders still.
"Clare I hate to ask this, but did you tell anyone about what happened? Report it or go to the hospital?" he asks quietly.
I take a few deep breaths and shake my head and softly answer "no. I couldn't do it Owen, I couldn't tell anyone, I've been scared, and was worried what might happen if my parents found out. Like I said I didn't know what could be done or even if anyone would believe me with no proof if I tried to report it," I comment. "I made too many choices and mistakes, it just felt hopeless, and why would anyone care now? They didn't seem to care when they left me alone with him," I remark with some venom in my voice as I think of Alli and Drew especially.
"Nothing is hopeless Clare, and most definitely not you. You have more worth than this Sean guy has led you to believe. Please don't continue giving him power by bringing yourself down or keeping quiet Clare. You are worth so much to many people me included," Owen tells me and I laugh. "I mean it Clare, you are smart, caring and you have a faith and convictions which makes you special too," Owen says.
I look at Owen like he's nuts. "Ya? Who would I be special to now?" I comment crossing my arms over my chest.
I feel a hand on my cheek as it turns my head softly and then Owen kisses me, and I feel the darkness float away. "Me Clare, you're special to me," he says and kisses me again, and I realize maybe I am worth something after all.