Disclaimer: I don't own the characters...
Author's Notes: This is the first fan fiction I wrote. I finally decided it was ok to share. It contains all the same old themes, but at the time it was the only way I could work it out.
Mac awoke slowly. The light was dim in the small bedroom, but the early daylight was beginning to filter in through a gap in the curtains. She stretched briefly and rolled onto her side. The movement caused a small flicker in her stomach. She flung back the cover and was on her knees in front of the toilet just in time.
She hadn't thrown up often when she first started to drink. A couple of times when she mixed beer and spirits, but once she discovered vodka and stuck to it, she went directly from the first drink to black out and beyond on a regular basis. She wondered perversely if more vomiting would have meant less drinking and if less drinking would have changed much about how her life had gone so far. She perched shakily on the edge of the tub and wiped the back of her hand across her mouth. She felt grim.
She reached over and turned on the shower; then stood and went to the kitchen. Toast in hand she came back to the bathroom, shoved the last bite in her mouth and got into the hot water. The phone was ringing when she got out, but by the time she picked it up the line was silent and there was no message. She dressed quickly but spent a little longer than usual on her make up. The dark circles under her eyes and pale skin around her mouth made quite a contrast. She did her best to conceal the evidence.
"Morning Coates" Colonel Sarah Mackenzie said. PO Jennifer Coates snapped to attention and followed her into her office.
"Good morning ma'am." She handed her a steaming hot coffee and a stack of telephone messages. "Lt. Cayman wants to discuss the appeal for the Verity case and Captain Norris needs to speak to you before he goes into court this morning."
"Tell Captain Norris I can see him now. And put Lt. Cayman and Lt. Stuart on my schedule after ten hundred."
"Yes Ma'am" Coates had her hand on the door knob and was pulling it closed when Mac looked up from the stack of messages. She did her best to keep the emotion out of her voice, but she knew Coates would read the underlying theme anyway.
"Harm called?"
"Yes ma'am, Commander Rabb's staying at the Delta." Mac nodded,
"Thanks Jen that'll be all."
Eighty three days ago they'd been in one another's arms planning a wedding and then just as suddenly Harm was back peddling and postponing and now he was here in San Diego just as suddenly.
When the coin toss in McMurphy's Pub went her way, she was startled, she had expected him to win the toss. He squeezed her shoulder when Bud announced it. She glanced up at him, but the angle was all wrong and she couldn't read his expression. They'd finished their drinks, and said farewell to their friends. By the morning she knew that he wasn't coming to San Diego. He had to make arrangements for Mattie, he said, and there was the matter of resigning his commission and maybe it was better that he stay in Falls Church until his papers were processed and Mattie finished rehab. He'd gone with her to the airport, but he was mostly silent and distant.
Mac waited for his call or an email to hear of his plans, but it was Harriet who broke the news a month later. "What's going on Mac? Bud says Commander Rabb's back at work . He's trying cases. If you're not getting married, then why is he still here, why hasn't he moved to London." Mac didn't have any answers for Harriet.
She could have phoned him or emailed him, but it wasn't him who said "Do you believe in fate?" And so each day she tried to do one more thing to let go of the past and plan for the future. Fate after all had decreed that they be separated and so she tried to accept.
Communication with Harm had always been ambiguous,then it was completely nonexistent. Nonexistent that is until now. She sat very still for two minutes remembering and fingering the slip of paper in her hand. She wasn't sure what she'd say, but she did pick up the phone and dial the number
"I'm sorry that room isn't answering would you like voice mail."
"Yes" she said. The next thing she heard was the automated voice
"Please leave a message after the tone."
"Harm, I got your message. I expect to be in the office all day if you'd like to call back. Any chance we could catch up over dinner tonight?" She had more to say but was beginning to feel like a 16 year old with a crush. She put the phone down. There was a knock on her door. "Enter. Captain Norris, have a seat."
It was nearly 15:30 when Coates put the call through. "Commander Rabb on line two ma'am" was all she said.
Mac paused before she picked up. "Hey Harm."
"Hey yourself." There was an uncomfortable silence, then Harm cleared his throat. "Dinner would be great," he said. "Would 19:30 be OK?"
"Sure" she said. "Where shall I meet you?" In the end they settled on his hotel room .
She went home after work and stood for a long time in front of her closet. She wanted something that would cover her emotions and her nerves. By the time she was dressed and on her way, she really hadn't settled on how much she would tell him about her new life or how much she was willing to forgive and forget.
Harm swung the door open and gestured for her to come in. "Yes sir," he said to the cell phone he was holding. "Thank you sir. Yes actually I'm looking at her right now. I will," he chuckled. "Good bye sir." He flipped the phone closed. Then smiled at her and opened his arms. Trapped in the narrow hallway, she could hardly refuse his hug, but she was first to pull away. "That was General Cresswell. He says to tell you that he misses your punctuality on the monthly budget report. Your replacement isn't the Marine you are." Mac laughed. She guessed that Harm hadn't been too pleased when some of her administrative duties had been shifted to his desk.
"Mac it's great to see you." He stepped back and walked into his room. There were two queen sized beds. The blankets and pillows were rumpled on the one. On the other, a dark suitcase lay open and beside it a dark suit was carefully laid out. "The year round summer must be agreeing with you."
She nodded. "It's been easy to get used to." Mac tried not to look him in the eyes. She was trying very hard to live in the present and not rewrite the past or look forward to a fairytale future where they were together. Instead she was trying to live the facts of her life and not the possibilities that seemed to abound whenever their eyes met.
"I thought we'd just go downstairs for dinner if that's OK," Harm said.
"Sure" she said
"Hungry?"
"Always" she said.
"Then lets go." He dropped the cell phone into his shirt pocket and picked up his billfold off the nightstand. She led the way to the elevator. They didn't speak in the hallway or in the elevator. If it wasn't for the waiter asking them for a drink order, they might have passed the meal in silence too. Once the ice was broken however they managed small talk.
Mac started. "Have you been to see your mom?"
"Yes I spent last week there, with her and Frank. Mattie's still with them. I'll pick her up in a couple of days. How's the new job?"
"It's good. I'm miss the investigations and the variety of the assignments, but it's all still so new that I'm even enjoying the reports, constant staffing decisions and endless meetings." She managed a smile.
Harm nodded. Between sips and bites they managed to talk through all the changes of the past couple of months, without ever mentioning their 12 hour engagement and all of their cancelled plans.
Finally after they had lingered over dessert and then coffee, it was obvious the staff were ready for them to leave. Harm paid the bill and they walked in silence to the lobby.
"Well I should be on my way." She smiled. "It's been good to see you."
He nodded and studied his shoes. After all her trepidation, she was finally certain. This was the end of the road. She knew she had to move on finally definitively. It wasn't for lack of love or care. But she could see clearly, it was crazy to love him from across a continent and never have a real relationship with him. There were things she could say that would push him into her arms; but of all the ways she wanted to end up with Harmon Rabb Jr. that wasn't one of them.
She shrugged into her sweater and swung her bag over her shoulder. She turned then in one decisive move and made for the revolving door. She was standing waiting for the valet to bring her car when Harm touched her on the shoulder.
"I came all this way," he said. "All this way to see you and to tell you some things you have a right to hear. Will you come back in? Come to my room and I'll do just that." He was looking at her. For all her deciding, she nodded. Perhaps it was for the sake of the past they shared or perhaps to help her close the door completely and move on. She nodded again, just as the valet handed her the keys to her car.
She handed them back and a $20 out of her pocket and said "Sorry go park it again - change of plans."
Harm followed her thought the lobby and they rode in silence again in the elevator. In his room, he straddled the one chair in the room and she perched uncomfortably on the corner of his bed. He looked down, unwilling it seemed to meet her eyes.
"Thanks for coming up. I uh should have been more direct. I should have said this weeks ago. I love you. I want us to be married." She glared at him and shook her head in disbelief. "When the coin toss went your way. I well, I was stunned. I've lived and breathed the Navy since I was a little boy and I couldn't imagine leaving the Navy and a promotion. But I've since come to my senses." He looked at her then and a shadow of a smile flitted over his face, but he saw her look and studied the floor again.
"I thought I was doing what was best. The judge allowed my custody application for Maggie but, wouldn't allow me to take her overseas. Staying in Washington, seemed the right thing to do. She could stay connected to her dad. Anyway for the first time ever, I opted for the easy answer. I decided to stay. I thought it would be OK. I thoughtMattie could be happy. I thought I could be happy." The room seemed hot all of a sudden. Mac squirmed out of her sweater.
"But," He looked at her then and paused. "I'm not happy. Jag Ops was only great when your office was twenty feet from mine. And Mattie full time without someone to deal with her when I have to be away is a disaster. She's in trouble all the time. She needs at least one full time parent and right now I can't be that because of my career. And finally, most importantly, Mac, I miss you. The idea that I backed out of our wedding for any reason at all - well I can't believe I was so stupid." He paused. The silence grew between them.
She knew he was waiting for a wise crack. Or for her to say everything was just great, but, Mac for all his words, wasn't convinced. He was a lawyer after all and his words were meant to be convincing and trustworthy. He'd have to demonstrate more than that.
She was about to say as much when he stood up and rifled through his brief case. He took out a piece of paper, unfolded it and handed it to her. It was a letter requesting final separation. It was dated almost three weeks earlier and signed. "I've resigned my commission. Frank's helped me connect with somefirms who might be open minded enough to hire an ex Navypilot turned lawyer. I've got an interview tomorrow. My only concerns now are passing the California bar exam, housing, and if you'll have me. He half stood and slid his right hand into the front pocket of his jeans. He pulled out a tiny white paper envelope. He squeezed it open and shook out a narrow gold band inset with 3 square diamonds. He held it up, pinched between his fingers and looked at her. "I love you Mac. Will you marry me?"
She looked at his eyes and his outstretched hand. She could hardly believe her own voice. "What" she asked "what happens if I say no". There was a lump in her throat.
He breathed in and out several times noisily. 'Well," he said, "then I guess we don't get married, but I am still resigning my commission and Mattie and I are still moving here. My mom's here and with Mattie I'm going to need all the family support I can get."
She reached out and took the ring in her hand. She set it in the palm of her left hand and traced the circle with the finger tips of her right hand.
"It all happened so fast Harm. The new orders and then the engagement." She looked down at the ring in her palm. "And then nothing. It's been 83 days since I've heard from you." She sighed, willing herself to finish the little speech she'd composed in the elevator. "I'm angry, Harm and hurt, by the one guy I thought would never, never." She blinked a single tear, inhaled and stopped.
He reached out and took her hands in his. "I'm sorry. I have no excuses. But I'm here now and there's no reason for us not to go ahead and make plans. Will you forgive me?"
Mac's eyes were bright with tears. "Before we can have a future together,before we make any plans, I have something I have to tell you. Remember after our "engagement" party."
He nodded, "How could I forget?" He beamed.
"Well," she said, "It turns out I'm pregnant."
Harm was on his feet and had his arms around her in a bear hug. A moment later, he pulled the ring out of the fist she'd made and slipped it on her finger. "Well then," he said "We'd better get this show on the road." And he kissed her and kept kissing her for a very long time.