The Long Haul
I still couldn't focus on anything for my Together Universe. So, I wrote a companion piece to "Yet." This one is told from Harm's POV.
Rating: K
Disclaimer: If they were mine, things would be very different...
"We're in this for the long haul, Harm."
"Copy that."
I scoff as I enter my quarters and slam the hatch shut with more force the necessary. Mac's voice stirred up a lot of emotions today, and ever since I saw her on the video call for the first time in nine years, I haven't been able to focus on anything besides her. She always consumes a majority of my thoughts, but today, it has been incessant.
Hearing her words the second time we saw each other... "We're in this for the long haul, Harm..." I almost broke. I panicked and didn't know what to say, so I said the first thing that came to mind which was "copy that."
Her words haunted me.
You see, I knew she was referring to the case, but there was a time, fourteen years, ago when I said almost those same exact words to her. It was the night we were leaving McMurphy's after the coin landed in her favor.
"Do you regret this?" she asked.
I stared at her, taking in her beauty. The way she glowed was illuminated even more by the street light. She was breathtaking. "Absolutely not, Mac. We're in this for the long haul."
Her lips curved upwards into a smile and she leaned forward to kiss me softly on the lips. "An eternity," she whispered when she pulled away.
I really thought we would have lasted an eternity. At first, things were great – fantastic even. We were happy, we were in love. Although, we never did pick a date for the wedding. I wasn't really bothered by that at first -as long as I was with Mac, I didn't care if we were married or not. What was a piece of paper in the scheme of things? We were together and that's all I really wanted.
However, around the four-year mark, we were at an impasse and then things started to crumble after that. Mac hated her job, the higher ups were coming down hard on her, and they tossed around the idea of shutting the whole operation down. She was miserable and angry all the time, and I didn't know how to help her cope.
We tried the old fashion way for a baby frequently but it never happened. It nearly destroyed Mac, and although I always tried to put on a brave act for her sake, it nearly destroyed me, too. Mac kept pushing me away, like she did after the admiral's dining out, every time I mentioned IVF or adoption, and I tried to respect that. It just broke my heart that I couldn't just magically fix everything and make her happy.
I was also getting restless in civilian law, and with Mac keeping me at an arm's length, I decided it was time to go back to active duty. The war on terrorism was changing, and I had this overwhelming desire to get back into the fight and serve my country.
Mac tried to be supportive at first, even though she told me that I went back to flying once before and returned to JAG because it was a career dead-end. There was some resentment in her voice, but she never once asked me not to go. If she would have asked me to stay, I would have. I just needed some sign from her that she still wanted to be together.
The first deployment was awkward, and we started to lead separate lives, but something changed completely when I was preparing for my second deployment. She came home one day and said she was presented with the opportunity to work for the Secretary of State and that her command now was a career dead-end, so she needed to take the job.
Whatever pretense of marriage we were still holding onto shattered in that moment. Her new job on top of my billet on the Allegiance would make marriage nearly impossible. Looking back though – would it really have been impossible? Sure, it would have been hard, but impossible? I knew military relationships would be hard. Mac wasn't the first military woman I had a relationship with -but she was the only Marine...she can't really be compared to the others, either. Mac was entirely her own person.
I briefly think about Jordan and Diane, two women I haven't thought about in years. Jordan and I never would have lasted, that I am sure of now. She only loved the lawyer part of me, not the aviator. And Diane, well, we were so young, and she died before we even really got started, so who knows what our fate would have been.
I thought things would have been different with Mac because we were such good friends first. She knew me as Harm the aviator and Harm the lawyer, and although I know that my flying did give her nightmares, she always respected it because it was a part of who I was. We knew everything about each other, and I thought that we could have a textbook romance because of that. But, alas, reality doesn't work that way.
I shake my head and push away thoughts of Diane and Jordan so that I can focus solely on Mac again. I picture her smile – I loved to see her smile. She didn't have nearly as much happiness as she deserved in her lifetime, especially that last year we were together.
All I have ever wanted was for Mac to be happy – no matter the expense. She didn't ask me to pass on the billet for the Allegiance, and I could never ask her to pass on her new career opportunity so we could figure out where we were in our relationship. When she mentioned the new job, I a saw a glimmer in her eyes that I didn't see for nearly a year at that point. I used to think that I could make her happy, but if I could no longer make her happy and put that glimmer in her eyes, then I wanted her to have something that would...even if it caused us to go our separate ways.
I open my locker and pull out the worn picture of the two of us that I bring with me every time I am deployed. It's the one that was taken so long ago in Afghanistan. I remember how I gave her the picture that year for Christmas, and she gave me a picture frame that was the same size. Funny how we used to think so much alike back then.
Somehow when we were dividing up our belongings this ended up in one of my boxes, and I'm glad it did because I treasure it so much.
I think about the nine years we've been distant with each other, and it all seems like a bad dream. Then, I think about the nine years we spent together at JAG. We lived through crazy poachers, imposters, Russia, murder trials, being lost at sea, other relationships, terrorists, and the aftermath of Paraguay. I never thought that the reason we would break would be a result of our careers and the unfilled promise that put too much pressure on both of us. Somedays, I truly regret ever making that damn deal. Maybe things would have been different if I didn't make it...or if I would have said one year or three years instead of five years. How much did that one conversation actually impact our lives? What if I didn't shut her down in Sydney Harbor? Or what if I never suggested the coin toss and we had an adult conversation about what we wanted from our relationship from the very start?
That was all a lifetime ago - so much has changed - but the one constant thing has been that the love I have for Sarah MacKenzie never faded.
Here she was today in front of me on a video call, and everything else just melted away. Nothing else mattered to me. She is my world. And then I saw the necklace she was wearing...the one I left for her the last night we were together, and something clicked inside of me. If she moved on, I don't think she would have kept the necklace. Maybe there is still hope for us.
I run my fingers over her face in the picture I am holding, and wish that she was actually standing in front of me and that I could feel her skin beneath my fingertips again. I close my eyes as that wish brings me back to the memory of seeing her in person for the very last time...
It was her last night in San Diego. I wasn't ready to let go - (it was ironic how "letting go" in regards to a relationship with Mac suddenly came full circle) so I thought it was best to spend our last night together at the nicest hotel in the city. Mac said we didn't have to do anything, but I insisted we did. I wanted to do it for her as much as I selfishly wanted to do it for me. We had a romantic dinner in the room, and made love until the early morning hours. I wanted to remember every detail about her and that night for the rest of my life. There could never be another woman for me. Sarah MacKenzie was it for me.
When it was almost time for sleep to claim us afterwards, I had an overwhelming desire to make a confession to Mac. I held her as tightly as I could in my arms and told her about my fortune cookie induced daydream from so long ago. I told her that I had imagined we were married, but it looked like a divorce was inevitable.
"Are you saying we never had a chance?" she asked me, sadly.
"No!" I shook my head adamantly. "In the end we found our way back to each other."
"Oh," was all she said. I could tell she was trying so hard not to cry and so was I.
"We'll find our way back to each other again, Mac," I finally whispered. "I'm sure of it."
"I hope you're right."
"I am," and then I kissed her one last time.
A few hours later when I was sure she was asleep, I slipped out of bed, got dressed, and gathered all of my belongings that were in the hotel room.
I pulled out a small jewelry box from my overnight bag and found a notepad at the desk. I picked up the pen and scribbled "Always, Harm" on the simple yellow sticky note, attached it to the jewelry box and left it on the pillow beside her.
I wanted to lean over and kiss her again, but I couldn't. There was a chance she would wake up, and I didn't want to do that to either one of us. I didn't want there to be any tears the last time I saw her. So, I studied her appearance for a long moment, and then carefully slipped out of the hotel room.
Over the next nine years our only form of communication were emails once a week and the flowers that I would send to her on her birthday every year. She asked me once in our emails how I knew where to send them, and I gave an evasive "I'll always know where you are" as a response. I didn't want to tell her that I always ask Harriet about her when I talk to the Roberts'. I know she still talks to Mom and Mattie, too, but they never have much to offer about her whereabouts – just that they talked to her and she says she's doing well. They both tell me that they can tell she misses me as much as I miss her, but I always change the subject. It hurts too much to talk about it with them.
Talking to her today was awkward and we were distant, but something about it felt so right. It felt like for the first time in nine years, I had something to look forward to...some type of hope still existed. Mac said this was a "difficult situation" but I knew that her words alluded to something else besides the looming threat. I could tell by the way she was looking at me and the tone of her voice.
And what might that be you ask? Well, Mac and I never called our engagement off...we just parted and went our separate ways without defining where we stood with each other. So, I guess you could technically say we are still engaged.
Why were we always unable to have the conversations with each other that mattered the most? It's a question I've asked myself thousands of times over the years. We always hid behind work as a way to protect ourselves from fear of the unknown. We both share the blame in how our relationship ended. If I could go back in time, I would insist on couples therapy. We were – or should I say "are"? - two stubborn, flawed, career-oriented people that struggled to compromise and communicate. Therapy probably would have done us loads of good from the start.
My computer terminal chimes, and I place the picture of Mac safely back into my locker before I go to the computer. I almost forget how to breathe when I see that the notification was an email from Mac. I open it immediately.
Harm,
It was good to see you today – really good.
I wish that I could be there with you right now to watch your six during this, but Hetty speaks very highly of the agents aboard with you, and I trust her. But please, Harm, be careful.
If I am correct, this tour you are on now should be coming to an end soon, and I want you to come home safe... to me.
Yes, Harm. You read that correctly, and no it wasn't a typo. Home is wherever we are together, and neither one of us has been home in nine years.
Nine years too long.
It's time, Harm.
I hope we found our way back to each other today.
Be safe, sailor.
Love always,
Mac
Fate brought us together again, I am sure of it. I need to reply now so she knows that I want all the same things she does. Even after all this time, we still have a chance
Mac,
Today was one of those days where two lives intersect and there isn't a traffic light to be found.
As soon as we neutralize this threat, I'm coming home to you, and we are going to figure everything out once and for all. You are my home and will always be my home.
Working together with you again is amazing, Mac. I've missed working with you, but what I miss even more is being with you.
I hope I can see you again tomorrow on that video call.
A knock on the door disrupts my thought process, and I bark a distracted "Enter!" to the person on the other side.
The petty officer entered and says, "XO, you're needed on the bridge. It's an emergency."
"I'll be right there," I reply before I hurry to finish my email.
I have so much more to say to you, but they are calling for me, and I have to go now. Something must be happening.
Love always,
Harm
P.S. Watch your six, I don't like that I'm not there to back you up either.
We are older now – and hopefully wiser, too. Fate can only do so much; Mac and I have to do the rest together.