I'm not great at writing fan fiction. I write for fun, so if it's bad, I know. Bad writing is still fun to write :P This story was meant to not make much sense. And I changed some of the characters' personalities and IQs just to make this stupid. Please R&R! My puppets... ahem… I meant to say "the characters"! want you to R&R, and if you don't, they'll be very upset. So upset that they might leave the story altogether and then the story won't be good, because there won't be any characters.
Disclaimer (Do I even need a disclaimer? Can an experienced fan fictioner please tell me in a review?): I don't own my puppets… ahem… I meant to say "the characters"! I don't own the characters or the books or whatever. Deal with the fact that I'm not the author.
Harry Potter and the Snape That Was Reduced to Insanity Or Something Like That
Harry, Ron, and Hermione continued down the dark hall towards Potions class. "I heard Neville's in the infirmary," Ron commented.
"Why?" Hermione asked in a concerned whisper.
"Why are we whispering?" Harry whispered.
"I don't know!" Ron whispered.
"So why is Neville in the infirmary? You two gnat bags can't even stay on one topic for more than a tenth of a second!" Hermione scolded.
"I heard he lost all the bones in his arm. A nasty Slytherin trick." Ron nodded.
The three reached the Potions dungeon and stepped inside. Only Neville was missing from his seat, as expected. Snape was sitting in a large comfy armchair behind his desk, which looked brand new. He had his feet propped up on his desk and was reading that Quibble magazine… upside down! He was wearing Muggle clothing. Perhaps, if the clothing has been for men, it would have been acceptable. However, it was womens' Muggle clothing. Severus Snape was wearing a hot pink, very fluffy mini dress. He had accessorized his abnormal clothing with neon green heels that must've been at least 6 inches, a tall hat covered completely in neon green, neon purple, and neon pink feathers, and a small bright orange purse.
Most of the students were focused on Snape, their eyes wide and their mouths agape. A few of the students, including Pansy Parkinson, were focused on Draco Malfoy. An eye patch covered his right eye and streaks of red paint that were probably supposed to look like blood, but they didn't, covered his left cheek. "Harry Potter set a snake on me! It bit out my eye and scratched my face! And he just laughed! What kind of insane maniac is he? Madame Pomfrey said she healed my eye, but it stills hurts quite a bit." Malfoy's tall tale was definitely not true, yet Pansy, as unintelligent as always, had tears in her eyes.
Harry, Ron, and Hermione exchanged glances and sat in their seats. Harry and Ron immediately started whispering amongst themselves. "What in the bloody world is wrong with Snape? He may be mean, but he's not a bat bag!" Ron whispered urgently.
"And Malfoy's telling everyone I set a snake on him!" Harry whispered back. Hermione quickly leaned over.
"It's just ridiculous. It's been exactly 10 minutes since we reached the classroom, and we were late. And Professor Snape hasn't started the lesson yet! And his get up is just ridiculous. No female Muggles would wear that outfit. Maybe the pink dress, but not the other things." And with that, Hermione sat straight up in her chair again. She raised her hand, wiggling her fingers. "Professor Snape?" she inquired.
Snape closed his magazine and set it down on his desk with a sigh. "Yes, you stupid child?"
Hermione recoiled as if she had been slapped. "Excuse me, sir?"
"You obviously need your hearing checked. Go see Madame Pomfrey," he replied calmly. Hermione gathered her books very quickly and ran out of the room. Harry rose from his seat.
"Snape-" he started.
"Professor Snape," Snape corrected.
"You can't say something like that!"
"I just did," Snape said in a cold voice.
"But it's not right. And, sir, are you aware of what you are wearing?"
Snape paused and looked down at his clothing. "Certainly! I picked it out myself. Gorgeous, isn't it? Wizard robes are too drab. This is exciting! Different!"
"Yes, sir," Harry said as he sat down, his expression doubtful.
"He needs to be in Saint Mungo's mental ward," Ron whispered loudly. The class giggled, but Snape just smiled, instead of getting angry.
Something's so wrong with him today, Harry thought just as Snape called, "Fifty points from Slytherin!" Malfoy stood up, his chair making a screeching noise when it rubbed against the floor. "What a beautiful noise! Ninety points to Gryffindor!"
"But sir!" Malfoy cried.
"You are from Slytherin, are you not?" Snape inquired.
"Yes sir. But why did you take away points from Slytherin when Ron called you mental?" he asked, clearly flustered.
"Oh, I don't mind Ron calling me mental at all. I took points from Slytherin just because it is fun!" Snape exclaimed.
"But… why did you give Gryffindor points when I made the screeching noise you thought was beautiful, sir?" Malfoy looked more confused than ever. Harry and Ron smirked.
"I didn't give Gryffindor points because of the noise, that wouldn't make any sense. I simply gave Gryffindor points for no reason at all." With this, Snape starting reading his magazine again, still holding it upside down.
"Sir, will we be having a Potions class today?" Harry asked.
"Yes," Snape said, pausing. "Hmm… how about we… do this!" Snape flicked his wand and a few lines appeared on the board. The handwriting seemed to be that of a kindergartener's. In your cauldron, pour in 3 liters of orange juice. Light a green fire underneath the cauldron and start to stir the orange juice. Chop off exactly several hairs from your own head. Add these to the cauldron, stirring randomly. Then, take a dead mouse that's almost alive and add it to the cauldron. Add exactly several grapes, 2 bananas, and 4 apple seeds, still stirring. Add a cup of beetle eyes and 3 cups of crushed ant exoskeletons. Let it all cook for 3 minutes, pour it into a flask or something, and drink it! Tell me what it does, I don't know what it does.
The class stared at the board and then turned their eyes to Snape. Just then, Hermione came in, Professor Dumbledore following behind. "Severus!" Dumbledore exclaimed. He quickly scanned the board and turned to the class. "Attention. Yesterday, Professor Snape was out and about, and apparently an old hag put a spell on him. He will return to normal in a few days." The class groaned, except for Malfoy. "I thought that I told him not to teach Potions today, but he didn't cooperate. You are dismissed," he declared. The class gathered their books and headed out the door.
I know it's not that great and it doesn't make sense. I don't normally write like this, but I was bored, and in the mood to make a random story that didn't make sense… I know that I didn't at all write like the way J.K. Rowling did – when she made it from Harry's perspective but still 3rd person. Review please! I'll be adding more chapters in which absolutely random, weird things happen at Hogwarts soon.
~Secret Princess.