My Best Regards

(Or 'Jericho Really Shouldn't Listen To Those Damn Voices Anymore')

Disclaimer: Hey, still not mine.

"You did WHAT?" Buffy's shriek reverberated through the lobby of the hotel.

"I turned Xander," said Angel. "Spike asked me to."

Buffy tried to calm down. "Why would you do that?" she asked, her voice only slightly higher-pitched than normal.

"Pet," said Spike, "did you know that Xander and I have been a couple for a year?"

She whirled around to face Spike, stake drawn.

He backed away a couple steps, arms held out in a placating manner. "Look, it was either me or Peaches, here. An' with Peaches, there's a good chance Xander will still have his soul."

"Oh," squeaked Buffy.

" 'Sides, I figured Red here could do the soul restore if it all goes wrong," he elaborated.

Willow beamed at the vampire, then frowned when Buffy shot her an evil glare. "Spike, you really should have told us… And can I see a pair of your pants?"

"What?" exclaimed Buffy and Spike at the same time.

"Sorry, luv. My pants, my property. An' it's not like we hid what we were doing, ducks. Bloody hell, Slayer, you walked in on us snogging the Magic Box three days ago."

"I did?"

"Oh, oh! You came out of Xander's bedroom when we asked him to bring us here!" said Willow in understanding. Then she blushed, "We, uh, didn't interrupt anything, did we?"

"Nah, luv." Spike waggled his eyebrows at her, "We'd just finished up."

"So when's he going to wake up?" asked Willow, quickly changing the subject.

"It depends," said Angel, "on how strong he is." At the girls' questioning looks, he clarified, "The shorter the recuperating period, the stronger the vampire."

"We should get the spell ready," said Spike. "Just in case."

"You mean you want him souled?" questioned Buffy incredulously.

Spike snarled in irritation, "Bloody hell, of course I do! Wouldn't have let Peaches turn 'im otherwise. Was just gonna ask Red to perform the spell when I did it."

"But your chip…"

"Is gone," said Spike, interrupting Buffy. "It short-circuited."

"Oh, and you haven't killed us yet?" squeaked Willow.

"Ever, pet. I don't fancy having Xander mad at me for a century or two," smirked Spike. "He told me if I even harmed one hair on any of your heads, he'd withhold sex."

"TMI! TMI!" shouted Buffy. She calmed, then glared at Spike. "Fine, so you two have been shacking up for a year. Why didn't you ever flat out tell us? And, wait! What about Anya?"

"Ok, first question. Xander wanted you to figure it out for yourselves. Some rot about proving your friendships." He ignored Buffy's snort and Willow's sigh. "Second question, Anya's the one who started this. She came up to me one day, and told me, and I quote, 'Spike, I want you to come give Xander orgasms. I'm tired of hearing him moan your name in his sleep. Plus, I think it'll be fun to watch.' End quote."

"Why'd she leave?" asked Willow.

"She wanted to shag some women to see what that was like. Then she left the country. Last she told us, Slayer, she'uz off shagging your Watcher."

"You lie!" spat Buffy.

"Do not," said Spike. "Call them and ask."

"What's all the fuss?" came Xander's voice. All eyes turned toward the staircase.

"Oi, Peaches, I thought we'd have at least two or three more hours," said Spiike quietly.

"Me too," said Angel, staring at the vampire making his way down the stairs. "So, Xander, how do you feel?"

"I feel like… murdering all my friends and relatives," said Xander, grinning slightly. Then his grin widened, as Buffy gave a scream of outrage. "By the way, I'm kidding."

"Pet, that wasn't very nice," snickered Spike.

"I know," smiled Xander. "Why else would I do it?"

"So, still with the soulage?" asked Willow, a bit nervously.

"Well, Red, if he didn't have his soul, you would definitely know by now," said Spike.

"Oh. That's… good then."

"Spike," said Xander, tugging the vampire away from the others. "I'm hungry."

"Sorry, Pet. Forgot you would be. Truth is, figured we had a bit more time before you woke up," said Spike. "Let's go to the kitchen. Peaches," he called over his shoulder, "care to join us for a spot of O neg?"

The three vampires retired to the kitchen, leaving three stunned females in the lobby.

"So, do I have to call you Sire now?" asked Xander as Spike handed him a cup of warmed cow's blood.

"No, Xander. Not unless you want to. Spike rarely did, and Druscilla always called me 'Daddy'," said Angel.

"Guess I can't call you Deadboy anymore. And there is NO way I'm calling you Daddy," replied Xander.

"So call 'im Peaches, like I do," said Spike, between gulps of blood.

"You could try using my name," said Angel dryly.

"Ah, a novel idea, my good chap," sneered Spike.

"Yeah, there's no fun in that."

"Spike," said Angel warningly. "And Xander, please don't encourage him."

"Sorry," said Xander sheepishly. "Wait, why am I apologizing? I'm supposed to encourage him."

"Fine, both of you sit there and make fun of me," said Angel a bit angrily. "I'll just be over here pretending I didn't give either of you unlife."

"Yikes, touchy much, Angel?" asked Xander. "See, it just doesn't seem right to call you by your name."

"Bloody hell," said Spike as he finished his mug of blood. "I'm gonna go chat with the birds. You two sit in here and work out your 'name' problems."

After Spike left, Xander and Angel stared at each other. "Uh, feeling like a bug here," said Xander.

"What?" asked Angel confused. "You're not a bug."

"Yeah, but you were looking at me like I'm some weird bug and you can't decide whether to put me in a jar or squish me."

Angel sighed, "Why are all my childer so difficult?"

"Am I supposed to answer, or is that rhetorical?"

"That was not English," said Angel, surprised.

"No, that was Gaelic," said Xander evenly. "Same as your world-weary question."

"Oh."

"That's all? Oh? No, 'Oh my god, Xander, when did you learn Gaelic?' or maybe 'Xander, you're too stupid to know anything useful'?" asked Xander snidely.

"I never said you were stupid, Xander."

"Yeah, but you thought it," he replied.

"Never, childe. I've always known you had hidden depths. Otherwise Spike wouldn't want you for eternity," said Angel. "You'd just have been a fling for a few years. He would never have turned you."

"Oh."

Angel caught Xander's eyes and stared into them, "It doesn't matter what you call me, Xander. You know that and I know that. So what did you really want to talk about?"

"Why did you agree to turn me? Really?" asked Xander, returning Angel's gaze.

"Because I wouldn't trust Spike to sire such an amazing Childe as you. Just look at the amount of time it took for you to awaken."

"Um…"

"Three hours, Xander. I have only ever heard of one vampire reawakening before at least six hours. That was the Master, and his turning took five hours."

"Bloody hell! What are you two ponces doing in here?" Spike came storming back in. "That bloody bint Red just tried to snatch my pants!"

"What?" said Xander and Angel at the same time.

"She was mumbling something about a pressie, but I wasn't sure what she meant."

Xander and Angel glanced at each other in confusion, then Angel whispered something to Xander, who immediately started laughing.

"What?" asked Spike, whipping his gaze between the two vampires in confusion and distrust.

"She wants to get us a present, Spike," said Xander. "I guess she called Angel earlier and asked him if he knew what size pants you wear."

"She wants to buy us pants?"

"Bingo, Blondie."

Then something else the witch said clicked, "Leather pants."

"Ooo! I can't wait! Maybe she'll get some for Deadboy, too," said Xander excitedly.

"Great, and we're back to the childish nickname," muttered Angel.

"Peaches looks absolutely stunning in leather, don't 'he?" said Spike mischeviouly.

"I like you in leather," said Xander, grabbing the bleached vampire by his coat sleeves and pulling him into his lap. "Sire be damned."

"Why me?" Angel asked, as his two childer proceeded to investigate each others' tonsils. "Of all the things to do to me, why this?"