To Belong to Someone
by Djinn
Part 1
Chapel walked out of Command, heaving a sigh of relief: the latest crisis averted. Since Cartwright had moved up, she'd been in charge of Ops until they brought in someone new. People with a mean streak liked to say it'd be Styles running the show.
She knew Command would never be that cruel. Although she'd also heard Harriman's name bandied about. The man was a personality free zone, and she was pretty sure the pace at Ops would eat him alive. How some people got where they had was a mystery to her.
"Want some company for the walk back?"
She turned, saw Jim behind her. "I wondered when you'd materialize."
"Materialize?" He grinned. "Nothing so high tech—I followed you out."
"Where's Spock? Is he at the house yet?"
Jim nodded. "He was eager to see Saalen." He turned the wattage on his grin up even higher. "Do you want to get a cup of coffee?"
"Jim, if Spock wants Saalen to himself, he only has to say so. You don't need to charm me to get it for him. Or are you just out of practice and wanted to practice on a known sucker?" She turned and walked away from him.
"Whoa. Chris, hold on. That's not fair."
"Do I want to get coffee? What the hell, Jim?"
"I miss you."
"Don't. You don't get to miss me. Neither does he. Miss his son."
"I like the kid, you know that. He's a great boy. But it's not quite the same thing." He stopped her with a touch on the arm. "It's been seven years since we fought it out over Spock. Can't we call a halt to hostilities?"
"Hostilities? You think this is me being hostile? Who do you think convinced Saavik to stay on Earth so you could get to know Saalen? She isn't your biggest fan."
"I know. Chris, I know." He drew her in so her arm was looped over his. "I just mean...you've never let me back in."
"How far did you want in? I talk to you. I don't run you over with a flitter when I see you on the street."
He laughed. "I don't mean I want to start our old arrangement up. I just wish we were still friends."
"There's a seven-year-old boy back home who's only heard me say good things about his father and you. I could have been a bitch—we both know I'm capable of it. But I wasn't. How much more friendly do I have to be?" She pulled loose from his grasp. "I'm sorry. There's something I forgot to do."
"Chris, come on."
"No, I'll let Spock have his time alone and you can go do...whatever the hell it is you do. I've got some comms I forgot to send." She hurried back up the path to the entrance. As she barreled down the hallway, she had to stop herself from muttering angrily.
How could Jim still spin her head after this long?
"Christine?"
She slowed, looked behind her, and saw Sarek. "Oh, God, I'm so glad to see you."
"Is something wrong?" He walked over to her, and his solid, calm presence made her reaction to Jim seem...silly.
"The boys are in town."
"Yes, I know. They are staying at the embassy." He gestured toward the cafeteria. "Do you wish to sit?"
She nodded and followed him in. They sat at a table by the window, the lovely inner courtyard of Command spread out before them.
"Spock's with Saalen," she said. "It was Jim I ran into."
"Ah." The way he said it spoke volumes.
"Sarek, please. I was upset. He was schmoozing me. Or something. I don't know, but when he puts on the charm..."
"Yes, I know. He is famous for that charm, is he not?"
She nodded. Infamous, really. "He wants us to be better friends."
Sarek's eyebrow went up precipitously.
She laughed. "Not that kind, you pervert." She'd learned years ago that as long as they were in private, Sarek tolerated a great deal of smartass from her. He seemed to like the way she teased him.
"I am relieved to hear it. You have been down that road, have you not?"
"More than once, as you well know." Sarek had seen far too much when he'd melded with Jim during his quest for Spock's katra. "It's frustrating. They blow into town and suddenly want time with Saalen—and I honestly don't know what Jim was up to. Trying to play me or that's what it felt like. I've been more than fair about Saalen."
"As has Saavik. I have been impressed at how easily you have remained part of the family, at how much you include all of us."
"Well you aren't hard to include. Amanda isn't, either, now that she's gotten over her irritation with Saavik for not letting her raise Saalen."
"It was not just Saavik she was irritated with, Christine. I was your advocate, as well."
"I didn't know that. Why didn't you tell me?"
"Your relationship with my wife was strained enough. And you had Saalen to focus on. I did not think you needed to know you were the cause of tension in our marriage on top of everything else you were shouldering."
"Thank you. You two are better now? She's not mad at you?"
"Oh, she often is irritated with me. But not, I believe, for that."
Chapel laughed. "Good." She reached over, touched his hand for a moment. "You always calm me down. Thank you."
"You are not as incendiary as you think. I find you quite logical."
"Thanks, Gramps."
He made the Vulcan version of an aggrieved face at the nickname. "How did Saalen do on his mathematics exams? I worked with him on some of the practice questions and was quite impressed with the agility of his mind."
"Tested out of three grade's worth. As I expected. He's a brainiac, and I can brag about that since I contributed no DNA to his intelligence."
"But you provided an environment where intelligent discussions were fostered, did you not? You are quite gifted."
She smiled. Compliments from him meant something: he never gave them lightly. "Sometimes I wish I was still in biochem. Days like today where even the crises had crises."
His eyes lightened, the way they always did when she amused him. "I am sorry. And your home is not a sanctuary tonight if Spock is there."
"Not so much. Saavik's traveling. As she usually is when Spock plans to be in town. Funny how that happens."
"Indeed. I have no idea who gives her advance notice." He lifted an eyebrow at her.
"It's not me."
"I know that. I will confess something to you: I am the one who lets her know. Eventually, her anger with Spock and Kirk will run out. In the meantime, I believe it is beneficial for Saalen to interact with the two of them without a simmering mother in the background." He studied her. "Although you are more a mother than she is."
"She does her part."
"Do not leap to her defense, Christine. Accept the compliment."
"Sorry. Didn't mean to jump down your throat." She put her arms on the table and rested her head on them. "Do you think they'll clean around me if I sleep here?"
"I do not. Come, I will walk you home. And I will also collect my son and grandson—and Kirk if he is there, too—and leave you in peace for the night." He touched her hand. "You are exhausted."
"Don't read me. It's rude."
"It is expedient. And you do not mind—who else looks after you, Christine?"
"Good damn point. Sad damn point." She sat back up. "Okay, walk me home. Get your boys. Let me sleep. Good plan."
"As I said." He rose and walked with her to the house. He was astonishingly effective in getting the boys mobilized and Saalen's homework packed.
As soon as the house was quiet, she fed Malika, the enormous brown tabby who had followed Saalen home one day—with no prompting on his part, or so he swore—and went to bed.
She was out as soon as her head hit the pillow.
##
She woke to the sound of her comm terminal going off. It was Jim. She checked her chrono—she'd slept till noon?
"Wake up sleepyhead." He was giving her the grin she found the hardest to resist.
"No, I refuse. I'm tired."
"So sleep some more but come to the embassy for dinner. We're having a barbeque."
"Barbequed what?" She laughed. Somehow barbequed veggies didn't sound very good when she had a rare opportunity to indulge in meat with all the Vulcans away. "I think I'm gonna enjoy some me time. Rain check?" It was the kind of thing you said when you didn't really want to see the person, and she saw that fact register in Jim's face.
"Sure." He sighed and just watched her.
"Jim. Don't. Whatever you're doing—whatever you're going to say. Don't. I'm going to go now before I get mad at you."
"Oh, you're not mad yet?"
"I'm actually not. I know some days it's hard to tell." Hard for Jim and Spock to tell, any way. Saavik and Sarek seemed to read her perfectly.
"Chris, I..." He stopped himself, shook his head. "Saalen's grown so much."
She smiled, grateful he decided to steer them to safer ground. "He had another growth spurt. Going to be a tall boy."
"Well, look at his parents."
She nodded.
"You've done a great job with him. I don't know if Spock ever tells you that, but I know he thinks it."
"Thanks." Spock hadn't told her that. She and Spock didn't talk all that much. She and Jim didn't usually, either. This "make Christine a friend again" thing was new. "I've got to go, Jim." Although she had nothing planned other than getting the biggest bacon cheese burger she could find after she slept a bit more.
"All right. Take care. We're leaving tomorrow. Just a short visit this time."
"Short or long, Saalen enjoys them."
He nodded. "I'll see you."
"Bye." She cut the channel.
She resolved not to think about what Jim was doing, what he wanted, or if he was playing her. She had a day to herself, and she was going to enjoy it.
##
Chapel was sitting in Cartwright's old office, working on the weekly report, when Admiral Johnston came in followed by a captain she didn't recognize. She stood as they came into the office.
"At ease, Commander." Johnston gave her the kindly smile he always seemed to wear. "Christine, let me introduce you to Captain Daniel Lorcas. He'll be taking Admiral Cartwright's place."
"Very nice to meet you, sir."
"I've heard good things about you, Chapel. Think you can turn an old space dog like me into a proper boss in this place?"
She found herself relaxing at his casual tone and friendly smile. "I think so, sir."
"He'll be reporting next week. I can see you're busy. We'll let you get back to it."
"I'm looking forward to working with you, Captain."
"Same here, Commander. Carry on." He grinned at her as if he knew full well she'd done nothing but carry on since Cartwright had moved up. Then he followed Johnston to the front of Ops where the admiral made quick introductions for those at their stations.
She went back to the terminal, glad that this would be her last weekly report to do for a while. She wanted to get back to being in charge of the operational part of Ops, not being a bureaucrat. She hoped Lorcas knew what he was in for—but if he'd had his own ship, he surely must.
She was going through the message queues later when Sarek appeared in her doorway. She smiled at him, pointed to the chairs in front of the desk, and said, "Take a load off."
He sat and seemed to breathe a sigh of relief.
"Bad day?"
"A long one. Tedious. The negotiations I am preparing for promise to be contentious and I am relegated to sitting in conference rooms listening to Starfleet officers argue over what the best outcome would be."
"Don't you already know?" She grinned at him.
"Of course. But I do not negotiate for myself, Christine, but for the Federation. Starfleet has a say."
"Whether you like it or not?" She laughed at his expression. "Hey, speaking of Starfleet, have you ever met a Captain Daniel Lorcas?"
"I have. His ship the Candelario has served as transport for my delegation on several occasions. Why do you ask?"
"He's going to be running this place."
"Ah, you will finally be able to go back to doing only one job?"
She laughed and nodded. Had she bitched that much to him about this?
"His crew seemed to respect him—and to be fond of him. I know that is important to you."
"Especially here. Camaraderie is crucial."
"I believe you will find him an excellent choice."
"Good." She leaned back in the chair. "The boys get off okay?"
He nodded. "Saalen seemed to enjoy his time with them."
"He was so happy when he came home. I like that Jim's making an effort with him. He didn't with Saavik."
"No, he did not." Sarek looked vastly disapproving.
"Cut it out. He learned from his mistake." She winked at him. "So what are you doing here? Did you need something?"
He shook his head slowly. "I was tired after the meetings. I have another one in fifteen minutes. I thought talking to you would be a pleasant diversion."
She laughed. "Well, I hope it was since you wasted your break on me."
"Hardly a waste." He rose. "I believe I will get some coffee before the next one."
"You? Holy shit, those must be boring meetings if you feel the need for a caffeine jolt."
He did not comment on her language, but then he was used to it by now.
As he turned to leave, she said, "Hang on. I'll go with you. I could use a coffee myself."
He waited for her and they walked out together to the cafeteria. She watched him fix his coffee. He surprised her by adding sugar and milk.
"Spock takes it black," she said. "When he takes it at all. And he goes for weak coffee. Adds hot water."
"I do not see the point of drinking it if you are going to modify the caffeine content to that extent."
"Well, me neither, but I never said that to him. It's possible you've been around humans too long."
"It is entirely possible." His expression was very light as he took a sip. He checked the chrono on the back wall. "I must go."
"My condolences. Thanks for the skinny on Lorcas."
"You are welcome."
##
After a week full of long nights, Chapel was finally getting home at a reasonable hour. She heard laughter coming from the living room, went in to see what was going on.
Rand sat with Amy, the nanny Chapel couldn't live without. They were laughing and Jan looked up and said, "Christine, about damn time. I was just regaling Amy here with our latest exploits." She leaned in to Amy and said in a stage whisper, "I'll let you worm Jack's exploits out of him. I don't tell on my staff, just on me and the captain."
Amy nodded. "I'll grill him tonight." Her brother had recently joined the Excelsior crew. Chapel might have had something to do with that. She smiled at the thought that he was fitting in—and the third degree his little sister was going to give him.
Amy got her things and left them, calling goodbye up the stairs to Saalen, who echoed it back.
"The kid is getting big, Christine. My God. What happened to the baby?"
Chapel laughed. "They grow up. It's the basic premise behind them."
"Oh, right. He's quite the charmer. You sure he doesn't have some Kirk in there?"
"He spends a lot of time with Jim. Looks up to him. Would not surprise me at all if he's learning to schmooze with the best of them." She leaned back in her chair. "How the hell are you, anyway?"
"I'm good. Hikaru's good." She gave her a smile that was this side of illegal.
"Well, hot damn, you two finally did it? Jan, the man has loved you for ages."
"He played his hand close to the chest."
"He did not. I knew it."
"Yeah, yeah, so I'm an idiot. We had a mission go really wrong and, well, relief that someone's not dead can lead to a lot of things."
Chapel nodded, even if she hadn't been tempted lately to let anything lead to sex. She couldn't just disappear to be with some guy, not with Saalen waiting for her and Saavik gone so much, and she didn't want to traipse men through the house. She lived like a goddamn nun. Not that she'd trade Saalen for the world. But a girl still got an itch every now and then.
"So how is she who only smiles for you?"
Chapel laughed, against her will. "She just goes by Saavik now."
"We gave her a ride the other day out to the Ledeburan system. Man, she's getting more Vulcan by the minute. Or does she just not like me?"
Chapel sighed. It was possible Saavik tended to get a little possessive of those she loved. But she and Jan seemed destined to tick each other off with very little effort. "She's a complicated person."
"Yeah, no shit." Jan leaned back. "Is she on Earth today?"
"Nope."
"Good."
"You want a drink?"
"Hell, yes. I only resisted asking Amy for one since she's still young and innocent. Her brother, by the way, is working out great. Thank you for the recommendation on him. Not sure we would have picked him based on experience alone."
Chapel nodded and held up a bottle of red wine. "This okay?"
"Yep." Jan kicked her boots off and tucked her feet under her on the couch. "So, what is the latest dirt with you? Seen Jim lately? Spock?"
"I see them all the time. When they come to get Saalen and drop him off."
"So no new conquests?" Jan made a face. "You have to get back up on the horse. What's wrong with Len? He really loved you, you know?"
"I know he did. And I didn't love him, not the way he wanted. Besides, he's done with me. I didn't choose him and that's the end of that story." She'd taken a lesson from him in that—she hadn't been with Jim or Spock since Spock had left her. Even when they seemed to be flirtier than normal on Jim's part or more intense on Spock's, she'd resisted the urge. She knew what it was like to be left by those two. She did not plan on repeating it—did not plan on being their extracurricular toy ever again.
She liked to think she'd moved on, but she still had some anger. They still could mess with her head far more than she liked. It was hell being the one who got left out: hard to get over wanting back in. No matter how badly it might turn out, there was still that little nagging part that said, "This time, things will be different."
Fortunately, the rest of her could club that part into unconsciousness.
"Earth to Chapel?"
Chapel laughed. "Sorry. Thinking. Long day." She poured the wine and carried it over to Jan. "You want to stay for dinner?"
"Can't. Meeting Hikaru's parents."
"Ooooh. Major step there."
"I know. Don't let me drink too much of this. If I'm stupid on our first meeting, he'll never forgive me."
"No problem."
Malika came tearing into the room, Saalen clomping down the stairs after her. The cat mock hissed at him when Saalen touched her tail, then when he took off running back upstairs, she chased him.
"They're playing tag?"
"He can get a cat to do anything. He takes after Amanda in that respect."
"How is she? Still up your ass about who should raise him?"
"No, she's eased off." Chapel heard something crash upstairs and yelled, "Take it down a level, kiddo."
"Sorry!" came drifting down the stairs.
Jan laughed. "I love that kid. He's not any one thing. He's like the perfect blend of Vulcan and Human."
"And Romulan."
Jan made a face. "Not my favorite people. The mission that went so wrong—they had a hand in that."
"Sorry."
"It happens." Jan sighed. "You know caring for someone makes it so much harder to get on with life. I'm always thinking of him now. How do you manage with a child depending on you?"
"Life is different, that's for sure."
"Saavik sure made out in this deal. She gets to live her life and just pop in: instant mom."
"It's not like that." Chapel sighed. "I knew what I was signing up for. Believe me."
"Whoa, mama bear. You're getting that look you get when I go too far on my Saavik bashing."
"Then don't go too far. She loves Saalen and he loves her."
"As a big sister. You can't tell me he honestly thinks of her as his mother. I've seen him with you."
"It doesn't matter what he thinks. We're all one family. It is what it is."
Jan nodded. "You're not involved with her, are you?"
"With Saavik? Jan, she's like my daughter."
Jan laughed and held up a hand. "I had to ask. You just went off the market so fast, I thought maybe she was the reason."
"Malika!" Another crash from upstairs.
"Saalen, I'm counting to ten." She used the tone that was calm but carried all the way to his room.
"Sorry!"
Chapel pointed to the ceiling. "That's the reason I'm off the market. Kids take time."
"What does that mean: you're counting to ten? What happens when you reach ten?"
Chapel started to laugh. "I have no idea. He's never made me reach it." She took a sip of her wine. "I'm pretty much making this up as I go along."
Jan raised her glass as if in a toast. "More power to you, my friend. More power to you."
##
Chapel walked with Saalen into the embassy, smiling as he went running to Amanda, who was holding a gray Persian.
Sarek came out of his library.
"Hello." She smiled at him. "New cat?"
"My wife swears she followed her home."
"She and Saalen are too much alike." She grinned at him.
"What happened?" he asked, looking at her arm.
"Your grandson." She eyed the scratches that marked her upper arm. "My regenerator wasn't charged. I'll fix it tonight."
"He scratched you?" Sarek looked sincerely troubled.
She laughed. "God, no. He and Malika were playing tag, and I happened to be in the way. He swerved right, I swerved left, and the cat, well I guess she thought she'd leap over us or something. She didn't clear the hurdle—the hurdle being me. Not her finest moment."
He looked amused. "I did not realize life with Saalen was so eventful."
"'Fraid so." She grinned, then she gave him a searching look. "The expression you had on your face when you asked if he scratched me. Did Saavik do that to you?"
"To Amanda."
"Ah."
"It was when she first arrived. She was extraordinarily headstrong. My wife, too, is stubborn. The two together..."
Chapel nodded. "Recipe for disaster."
"Indeed."
Amanda came toward them, the little cat lying in her arms like a baby. "Christine, are you staying for dinner?"
"I don't think so. I've still got to pack. We leave for Valdux at oh dark thirty tomorrow."
Sarek actually frowned. "That is a very dangerous planet."
"Uh huh. We don't get sent to garden spots, Sarek. I've been fully briefed. And this isn't my first rodeo." She saw that Saalen was watching them from the end of the hallway; with his hearing, he could easily catch the conversation. "Enough, all right. I don't want to scare him."
Amanda nodded but Sarek said, "I do not think this is a wise course of act—"
"I said enough, Sarek. Please." She turned to Amanda. "And who is this?"
"Danke. A little sweetheart. Nothing like that brute you have."
"Malika is a good cat."
"Yes, if one wants a wild animal in one's home."
"She's not wild. She's just boisterous. And she adores Saalen, so really what more is there to talk about?" She grinned. "Saavik will meet you on Vulcan. I shouldn't be more than two weeks on Valdux. I hope this isn't an imposition to take Saalen with you?"
"He's our grandson, dear. It's never an imposition." Amanda smiled gently. "Stay safe. You've clearly got Sarek worried."
Amanda walked over to Saalen, handing him the cat, and taking him into the kitchen.
As soon as they were out of sight, Sarek drew her into the library. "Can no one else go?"
"Sarek, quit being such an old lady. I'll be fine. And even if I weren't, it's not like Amanda would mind getting Saalen, now is it?"
"Are you making a joke? Because I have a feeling it would not be humorous even to a human."
"This is my job. You're as bad as Saavik." Who was constantly harping at her to get out of Ops and back into medicine, where it was safer with more sane hours. "There will be no more discussion. And don't say anything about Valdux being dangerous to Saalen. I don't want him to worry."
He nodded slowly, his eyes narrowed, as if giving up the fight was something painful for him. "Please, take every care while you are out there."
She leaned up and kissed him on the cheek—she thought it was a measure of how worried he was that he allowed it without comment. "I will."
##
Chapel got out of the shower, the feeling of being clean after so many days in the field indescribable. She pulled some comfortable clothes on, spritzed on perfume, and enjoyed the casual luxury of smelling good.
She lifted her shirt and ran her hand down her side; the new skin was shiny and red. Valduxian weapons were a bitch—fortunately she was a bigger one. The injury had looked worse than it had turned out to be. But so much blood—she had been scared for a while. Worried that this would be her last mission.
Her door chime rang and she frowned. Her debriefs were done. She was on R&R on Starbase Twelve for two days before heading home.
She opened the door and was surprised to see Sarek there. A look of relief seemed to run across his face as he took her in, then it was gone.
"What are you doing here?" She moved aside to let him in. "I thought you were on Vulcan with Saavik and Saalen?"
"Clearly I am not." He moved into the main room of her temporary quarters, going to the window and staring out at the view—or lack thereof. "I saw that you were injured. I was...concerned."
"You saw? Just how much access do you have?"
"More than you think I do, evidently." He turned and studied her. "You are recovered?"
She nodded. "It wasn't as bad as it initially seemed. They treated me on Valdux and let me come here to recuperate. I'm tired—probably was working too hard and got overtired. Made myself a target by being too stubborn to rest."
"You have been obstinate since I met you." He turned to the window again.
"Where is Amanda?"
"On Vulcan, of course. With Saavik and Saalen."
"Great. A wonderful opportunity to badmouth me with no impartial you to leap to my defense."
"I am hardly impartial. And I do not think she would do that."
She moved to stand next to him. "The cherry on top would be hearing Spock and Jim were joining them."
His mouth did something funny, almost a frown.
"Great, just great." She sighed. "So they're all there and you're..."
He turned to look at her.
"Does Amanda know where you are?"
He shook his head.
"So you just...left?"
"As I said, I was concerned."
"Well, you should have waited for the after report, where it said I was fine. You left Saavik and our boy alone with those three?"
"Logic fails me when it comes to you, Christine." He met her eyes then turned away again, as if looking at her hurt him in some way. "Saalen will be fine with his father and Kirk, and it is time Saavik learned to accept what is: my son and Kirk are not going to end their relationship, no matter how much she may want that."
"She's very invested in the idea of Spock and me together."
"I am aware of that."
She leaned back against the window and closed her eyes. "Well, you're here now and I'm starving. Take me to dinner if you aren't hightailing it back to Vulcan?"
"There is a shuttle in the morning. I will leave then."
"You have quarters, I assume?"
"I do. I was not sure what state I would find you in." He made a sound that seemed like a sigh. "I, too, am hungry."
"Then let's go." She touched his arm. "I'm glad you came for me. Although I imagine Amanda wouldn't be, would she? Since you didn't bother telling her where you were going?"
He met her eyes, his own full of a dark emotion she'd never expected to see. "She would not be pleased with me."
"Will you tell her you saw me, when you get back to Vulcan?"
He shook his head.
"Won't she know? The bond and all?" She was stomping into some very personal territory here.
He didn't seem to mind. "The bond between mates requires two telepathic partners. Few humans have sufficiently developed psi skills for it to be achieved."
"I always assumed that Spock didn't want one with me—or that he already had one with Jim. Not that he couldn't with a human."
Sarek nodded.
"You must have rare privacy for a mated Vulcan."
"Indeed."
They shared a long look, then she pushed herself up from the window, and smiled in her most unthreatening way, letting him—them both—off whatever hook they suddenly seemed in danger of impaling themselves on. "Come on, Grandpa, let's get dinner."
The expression that flashed across his face was a mixture of amusement and relief.
##
Chapel heard the door to the house open, then the sound of running feet. Saalen slowed as he came up to her, his eyes shining as he sat on the couch and pushed his arm hard against hers.
"Missed me, huh, kiddo?" She put her arm around him and kissed the top of his head; he only squirmed mildly. He really must have missed her. "So, how was Vulcan?"
"Fine." He eased away from her, went to pet Malika, who was lying in front of the fireplace. "I missed the cat."
"Of course that's all you missed." She winked at him.
"Father was there."
"He was?" She tried to sound surprised, as if Sarek hadn't told her about it, hadn't spoken of how both Spock and Jim were on their best behavior around the boy. She'd gotten Sarek to admit at dinner that he thought Jim was in full-on woo mode.
Too bad Jim hadn't tried that with Saavik when she was a child, would have saved himself a lot of trouble.
"Jim was there, too." Saalen studied her and she smiled as easily as she could. "He gave me a model of the ship. I have it in my carryall." He looked around as if for the bag.
"Christine?" Saavik came in, lugging both her carryall and Saalen's. "He could not wait to get to you. Left me to carry these up from the flitter."
Saalen had the grace to look as contrite as a seven-year-old could. "Sorry, mother."
Saavik let the bags slide to the ground and sat down across from Chapel. "Valeris was there. If I didn't know better, I'd say she and Spock were involved."
Chapel frowned, glancing at Saalen. He took in far more than Saavik seemed to think he did.
"Fine, this can wait. How are you?"
"Right as rain." Saavik would just worry if she heard Chapel had been injured. Would just press more that she leave Ops.
Malika got up and stalked out of the room, and Saalen followed her.
Saavik waited until he was safely out, then said, "Sarek left for several days. Relegated me to time alone with Kirk and Spock. Amanda spoke highly of Kirk every chance she got, of course. And then there was Valeris. Spock's new protégé and apparently my replacement in his affections. A perfect Vulcan." She flicked something only she could see off the arm of the chair. "She can insult me with such ease. Spock doesn't even seem aware of it. Amanda ignores it."
"What does Jim think of it?"
"Valeris was only there the last day. He left before she came. Had meetings or something—I did not ask. "
"No, I'm sure you didn't." Chapel leaned back. "I missed you two."
"We missed you. Saalen could not wait to get in here to you."
"I know. It was adorable." Chapel heard the stomp of footsteps that meant the boy and the cat were playing tag. "Malika missed him, too."
"He thinks all cats are like her. You should have seen Amanda's new cat hiss at him when he tried to play that game with her." Saavik looked up at the ceiling as the footsteps increased in tempo, then let herself smile with what seemed like relief.
"Hell being back there?"
She nodded and closed her eyes. "I never relax on Vulcan. I love being with Sarek and Amanda, but I would prefer to do it here."
"I know." Chapel got up and as she passed Saavik, she laid her hand on her shoulder. "I'm glad you're home."
Saavik smiled lightly. Upstairs a burst of laughter escaped Saalen.
"He relaxes here, too, Christine. He was on his best behavior there, and I think it was because Spock was there—I have never noticed him trying so hard to be...Vulcan. It is ironic that Spock expects so much more of him than Sarek does, is it not?"
"It is. Sarek's mellowed. Spock's still trying to live up to standards that don't even exist for him. Hopefully he'll realize his son is a child of three worlds and let him be what he will be." She let go of Saavik and went to the kitchen to fix lunch.
##
Chapel walked through the Embassy, passing the parlor where Amanda sat with Saalen, reading some old text. Danke was sprawled at her feet, fast asleep. Amanda looked up as Chapel passed, smiled, and went back to the book.
Saalen glanced at Chapel and gave her a slow eye blink, which made her smile since they'd just been talking about how Malika did that when she was happy with them. That it meant, "I love you," in cat language. She blinked back at him then left them in peace.
She found Sarek in the library. "Am I intruding?"
"No." He put aside the padd he was working on. "Please, sit. Talk to me."
She sat in one of his guest chairs. "Not the most comfortable seating in the world."
He let an eyebrow rise. "I do not, as a rule, want guests to linger."
"Present company excepted?"
"Of course." He rose. "Come, these chairs by the fireplace are far more accommodating."
She followed him, sat, and looked at the flames flickering through the mesh screen. "A real fire."
"It is a necessity in this climate. I am often too cold here."
She smiled. "I'm always so hot on Vulcan."
"Amanda was that way at first. She still has a few days of adjustment generally."
Chapel curled her legs up in the chair. "She's with Saalen. They're so cute together." She looked up, met Sarek's eyes. "I care for her. Even though I know she prefers Jim. I think I need to say that."
"I realize you care for her. She cares for you, too."
Chapel sighed. "Your trip out to see me last month—it's not the most comfortable thing having a secret like that, you know?"
"We have many secrets from those we care about. We have access to more than they do. Therefore, it follows that we would have to keep certain things from them."
"This is hardly eyes-only. It's...personal."
"If you find it a hardship to keep it from her, then tell her, and I will deal with the consequences."
"That's just it. I don't find it a hardship. It's just...not what I expected to be doing again." At his look, she managed a sheepish grin. "Roger was my advisor—we had to be discreet. Then the thing with Jim and Spock."
"Ah. Of course."
"And it's not just Amanda we're keeping it from. It's all of them."
"I was worried about you. I came to check on you. Nothing more." He was watching her very closely.
She nodded. "We had dinner, then you left in the morning. Nothing to be ashamed of."
"Indeed not."
"Nothing to keep secret, either, Sarek. Not if that's all it is."
"If that is all it is..." He pursed his lips and leaned his head back against the soft leather of his chair. "I know this: I do not wish to speak of it to her."
She sighed. "So, we will not speak of it, then. If you don't want to and I don't want to."
He nodded, then rose, took a volume off his library shelf, and handed it to her. "I found this. It is yours, is it not?"
She saw it was a volume of poems. She'd brought it for Spock for his birthday. It didn't look as though it had even been cracked. "It's Spock's. I doubt he cares about it, though."
He sat down again as she leafed through the book. "The poetry is quite lovely."
"You read it?"
He nodded.
"I thought it was pretty. It's why I gave it to him."
"May I ask a very intrusive question, Christine?"
She nodded.
"Did you love my son? Did you fight to keep Spock because you wanted him or because you did not want Kirk to have him?"
"Tough questions." She shifted a little, thought about the right answer. "I've considered the issue. On some of my more honest days. I'm not sure what the real answer is. I know the one I want it to be: I don't want to be anything but a good person. I want to think I loved him. And part of me did, Sarek. Part of me did—I'm just not sure if I loved him enough. Maybe he knew that?"
"Did you meld often?"
"Almost never." She studied him, didn't see any surprise in his expression. "Is it normal to meld with a mate?"
"It is a personal choice. Not all Vulcans choose to engage freely in them."
"Do you?" She laughed. "Sorry, that was nosy of me. It's none of my business."
"I will answer. Not generally. Sometimes, on occasions when extreme closeness is wanted—or needed."
A sound of clomping feet sounded, and Saalen appeared, carrying Danke, who looked very put out.
"That poor cat. He's used to a much more robust one in Malika."
"The cat will survive. She has claws. If she disliked what he did enough, she would scratch him."
"True."
Saalen slung the cat over his shoulder as he sat down in front of them. She lay like a dishrag.
"Is she purring?" Chapel asked him.
"Yes. She likes me. She just pretends not to."
"Excellent practice for when you start to notice girls." She smiled.
Saalen lifted an eyebrow in a perfect imitation of his father and grandfather. "Girls are of limited utility."
"Mmm hmmm. That's what you all say at first."
Saalen ignored her, but Sarek looked amused.
"Do you remember your first love, Gramps?" she asked.
His expression told her he knew she was trying to steer them back to less emotionally laden ground. He nodded and gave her a look that seemed a little sad. "She is even now in the living room."
"That's a lovely answer."
He nodded then looked away. "I will leave you."
She got up before he could. "No, we barged in on you. Go back to your work, Sarek." She put her hand on his shoulder. "You're a good man," she said very, very softly, then she nudged Saalen with her knee. "Come on, kiddo. Bring the kitty and let's leave your grandfather in peace. He's an important man with crucial work to do."
"I know. Both he and my father."
Chapel laughed. "Nothing wrong with his sense of family pride. At least on the male side. What a shock coming from a Vulcan." She winked at Sarek and eased Saalen out of the room.
"You are quite accomplished, too, Christine. And I'm sure my mother will be."
"Stop while you're ahead, bucko." She gazed back at Sarek.
He was watching her, an expression she couldn't read on his face.
She turned around and followed her boy out.
##
"Commander Chapel?" A woman's voice, young by the sound of it.
Chapel turned and saw a Vulcan woman studying her. A lieutenant. "Can I help you, Lieutenant...?"
"Valeris."
Ah. Chapel made her "I'm a busy woman, what do you want?" face that usually worked on just about everyone.
It did not work on Valeris.
"I was curious about you. I met Saalen. Spock said you were raising him. Since you are not related to the boy in any way..."
"Really? You're curious? Since when do Vulcans snoop?"
Valeris gave her a little head tilt that no doubt was useful for making humans feel stupid. But Chapel was a pro around much tougher Vulcans than this woman.
"Well, now you've seen me. Was there more?"
"You don't like me, do you? Is it because I am close to Spock and you no longer are?"
"How close are you?" Spock and Jim couldn't have added a Vulcan woman as their new toy, could they?
"He is my mentor. I see him often. More often than his previous protégé sees him, I think."
"Is this important to you? Did you have a childhood lacking in affirmations?" She moved closer. "What is your game?"
"As I said: I was curious."
"And we both know Vulcans have great curiosity. They usually let great courtesy go along for the ride, however." She stood a little straighter. "Don't you have a job to do?"
"Of course." She handed Chapel a padd. "From Admiral Cartwright. He asked me to drop this by for you."
Chapel could suddenly understand why this woman angered Saavik so.
"I apologize if my frankness interfered with my efficiency, Commander. I will endeavor to control my curiosity in the future." Again the little tilt of the head.
Chapel gave it right back to her. Once Valeris was gone, she looked at the padd—information she had been waiting for—and sighed. Taking the long way back to Ops, she stopped at Saavik's office. "I just met Valeris."
"You have my condolences." Saavik studied her. "That's what I grew up with, Christine. That kind of attitude."
"I'm sorry. Truly. I had no idea any Vulcan could be so—"
"Bitchy?"
"You never would have used that word before you lived with me."
Saavik gave her an affectionate look. "There are many things I would not have done if I hadn't. I just got my schedule for the month. I'm traveling most of it."
"No worries. Amy wants extra hours."
"Thank you. If I haven't said it lately. For taking Saalen. You've done better than I could have alone."
"You would never have had to do it alone, kiddo. I mean that."
Saavik smiled quickly, then closed her eyes. "I'm tired of traveling. I am relieved you don't do it as much as you used to. Saalen needs one of us home."
"Yes, he does. Both of us would be good, too. See if they can't schedule you lighter next month." At Saavik's rueful nod, she said, "I'll let you get back to work." She tapped the padd she was carrying. "I have some stuff to look at."
"Very well. I will see you tonight."
##
Chapel watched the comms coming in on her special access line. There had been radio silence during the Khitomer Accords, but now that the thing was over, messages were coming in like crazy.
Cartwright a traitor? How the hell could Cartwright be a traitor? He loved the Federation more than anyone Chapel had ever met. How did such a good man get mixed up in this? He'd been her boss, her mentor, for so long. He'd groomed her and—
Why?
And Valeris. She laughed softly: Saavik would be thrilled. Not just that her dislike of the woman had merit—if not for the reasons she thought—but also that Spock had been betrayed after he'd chosen to replace Saavik with a new protégé.
Although Chapel didn't think it was really that simple. Trust was a two-way street, and Saavik had lost Spock's, too, when she bypassed him and came to Chapel for help with the baby. Not that Chapel blamed her for that, but she could be realistic in who was at fault for the relationship crashing and burning.
Captain Lorcas came out of his office and walked over to where she was sitting. "What do you make of all this?"
She looked up at him, trying to get a read on his reason for asking. It was well known she was one of Cartwright's golden children. Was she under suspicion, too?
But Lorcas didn't look like he was digging—he looked like he really wanted to know what she made of it.
"I'm not sure what to think. I looked up to Admiral Cartwright."
"A lot of us did. This is damned odd." He let his breath out slowly, as if that would help him consider the situation. "Things are going to be nasty for a while. No one's going to know who to trust." He gave a small grin. "Other than the heroes of the day—most of whom are your friends, I think?"
Friends. Ex lovers. Parents in common. She was suddenly very grateful she had them on the other side of the equation. Jan and Sulu, too. "Trust Jim Kirk to find a way to make his last voyage a memorable one."
"Is he retiring?"
She nodded. He'd told her he was the last time she saw him. It hadn't surprised her. What would surprise her was him staying retired.
Spock had never been involved with him when Jim was off the ship. He would not have fun once they settled in to play house with no duranium hull under Jim's feet. Jim did not do well planet bound.
Well, let Spock find that out for himself.
##
Chapel walked with Saalen to the embassy. The guard nodded at them and they passed through without having to show any credentials. Benefit of being family.
"You be good while I'm gone, yes?"
Saalen nodded, already falling into his more Vulcan persona.
"Kiddo, just be yourself. Spock will like you that way too."
He looked up at her, his eyes old for his age. "He likes me better this way."
She sighed. "Okay. Whatever you think best." She ruffled his hair since there was no one to see. "I'll be home in a week. Go on. Go find your dad."
Saalen hurried upstairs.
As she walked out, she saw Jim in one of the offices working on a terminal. "Thought you were retired?"
He looked up and smiled. "I am. Have to wave the flag one last time. Send off Harriman." He rolled his eyes.
"How he got that ship is beyond me."
"At least it's not my Enterprise." He smiled tightly, then turned off the terminal and walked over to her. "The man is a moron."
"No argument from me, Jim. I was terrified they were going to give him Ops. I might have felt safer if they had: the fucking flagship?"
"I know. Snap decisions aren't his forte."
"What is?" She grinned. "Are you okay going to this? You could say no, you know?"
"I could. But it's a good time to get away. Give Spock some alone time with his boy."
"Saalen adores you. This isn't like it was with Saavik."
"I know. But he's easy to love."
"And she wasn't?"
He seemed to think about it. "I tried, once, early on, to get to know her. She only had Spock at first. She was...possessive. Her background—it didn't make sharing an easy or smart thing to do. We got off on the wrong foot and never found a better one."
"You're trying now, though. She seemed to enjoy the last time she was here, with all of us."
He nodded. "I'll keep trying. I do regret not getting to know her better. One of the many things I regret."
She looked down. "Like me?"
"No, not like you. Why would I regret you? I'm sorry we lost the friendship we had when we took that next step. I'm sorry we couldn't find our way back to it when everything was over."
"I am, too. But you know why I've stayed away. It's less confusing, for one thing, for Saalen. And it's easier for me to steer clear of you and of Spock. Saner."
"You still love us?"
She shrugged.
He looked down. "We never did that again—invited someone in. Just so you know. It was you. Only."
"Okay. Thanks, I guess." She wasn't sure what one said to a statement like that.
"I'm just trying to..." He laughed softly. "I don't know what I'm trying to do. But I'm on Earth now and you know how I get. Far better than Spock does."
She nodded.
"I'm just saying this now. Before I'm too big a son of a bitch to admit it."
"Hey, watch it. I fell in love with that son of a bitch, remember?" She sighed. "Okay, I'm going to go. Have fun at the launch. Try not to show up Harriman—oh, wait, you can't help it." She winked at him, and he laughed.
"Bye, Chris. I'll see you soon."
He walked her to the door. She saw Spock coming down the stairs with Saalen and lifted a hand to him, the small polite wave they'd perfected over time. Then she turned and left her boys in peace.
##
Chapel trudged back into camp, was surprised to see a group of people gathered around the comm system.
"What's up?" she asked whoever wanted to answer.
"Something happened during the launch of the Enterprise B. Captain Kirk is dead."
She steadied herself on the table. They didn't know she knew him—most of these people were new. Didn't know her history.
Didn't know she loved him.
"Are you all right, Commander?" someone asked.
She nodded and said, "I'll be in my tent."
She sat on her cot and pulled out the hip flask she always brought with her on these jaunts. She took a deep pull and wondered when she'd lost the ability to cry for those she loved.
"You okay?" Jake Robinson poked his head in. She'd worked with him for years. "Did you know him?"
She nodded and handed him the flask; he took a pull, then handed it back. "He was my first captain." She put the lid back on the flask. She did not need to get drunk and maudlin—or too talkative. "Is it confirmed? Did they find a body?"
"There was no body."
"What? Then how do they know he's dead?"
Robinson sat down next to her. "The ship hit an energy ribbon of some kind. Details are fuzzy. Kirk went to modify the deflectors. There was a hull breach where the energy ribbon hit the ship. It was right where he was working."
"Oh, God. He always used to say he'd die alone. Was he alone?"
"Yeah. He was."
She closed her eyes. "My son is with his father. Oh, this is the worst time."
"His father?" Robinson was clearly confused.
"Spock is his father. I'm not really his mom, more a grandma, I guess. I was with Spock for a while. His mother is—"
"Saavik. That's what I thought, but I went in the wrong direction. I thought you two were together. The way you both refer to him as 'my son.' Hell, Christine, I would have asked you out a million times if I hadn't thought you were living with your girlfriend."
She laughed, a half bitter, half amused laugh. "No, she's sort of my daughter. It's confusing." She met his eyes. "I used to see Kirk, too. For a while. Before I was with Spock." Jesus, why was she being so honest? She reopened the flask—clearly staying sober wasn't doing a damn thing, why not get some liquid numbness?
"This must really hurt, then. I'll leave you alone."
"Thanks, Jake. For checking on me."
"I care about you."
"As a friend." She tried to keep her expression the one that said, "Do not ask me out. Ever."
"Yeah, Christine. As a friend." He smiled sadly and left her alone.
"I'm sorry, Jim." She closed the flask and curled up on her cot. She was sorry for Spock, too. Couldn't imagine what he was going through. And her boy. She wished she could spare him, wasn't sure if Spock would shut down around him or not in the face of this.
She sighed. There was nothing she could do from here, and she had the rest of the week to get through.
She sent Saalen a comm message that said if he needed to talk to someone, he could write her. That she knew it was a confusing time. That she was very sorry she wasn't there with him. And that she loved him more than anything.
She sent Spock a message, too. It said only, "I'm sorry."
##
Chapel beamed into Starfleet Command, reported to Ops for a quick debrief, and then made her way to the embassy to get Saalen. The guard waved her through and she hurried to the stairs, then heard Sarek calling for her.
She turned and walked into his library, saw that Saalen was there. The boy got up and barreled at her, wrapping her in a tight hug. She held on to him and met Sarek's eyes.
"Where is Spock?" she mouthed.
He shook his head and looked pointedly at Saalen. Then mouthed, "Later."
She crouched down and said, "Hey, kiddo. It's okay."
Saalen wasn't crying—and she hadn't expected him to be—but there was something so lost in his expression that she pulled him back in for another hug. He whispered, "I kept thinking of all the things that could happen to you."
She swallowed hard and said, "I know. It's scary to lose someone. Makes you wonder how many others are going to go away, too."
He nodded against her.
"I'm here. I'm right here." She knew better than to promise nothing would happen to her. Her job was dangerous at times. But bad things could happen on Earth, too. Shuttles still crashed. Diseases still took people before they were ready, even if there were far fewer of them that proved fatal anymore.
"Christine." Amanda's soft voice sounded from the doorway. "I'm so glad you're back." And she did sound really glad. "Sweetheart, why don't you let Christine and your grandfather talk? I've made you lunch."
Chapel let go of him and walked him over to his grandmother. "I'm so sorry, Amanda. We all loved Jim."
"I know we did." She sighed. "I guess I made my feelings about him very clear, didn't I?" She gave Chapel a rueful smile, then eased Saalen away and out of the library.
Chapel turned back to Sarek. "Spock went to look for him, didn't he? The moment I heard there was no body..."
Sarek nodded. "He waited until we arrived. He did not abandon Saalen."
"Good." She sat down, then looked back where Amanda had stood. "Does she know that Jim and I were close?"
"No. Not unless Kirk told her."
"I doubt he would have."
"Why do you ask?"
"I don't know. I guess because it was so long ago, and yet he meant so much to me. I left Spock and him—during the time I lost my mind"—she gave him an embarrassed smile—"because I was in love with him and didn't want to share. I sought Spock out after Jim left because I was mad he'd chosen a woman who wasn't me. I've had time to think about it while I was grieving the last week."
He nodded, as if this news was not unexpected.
"I can't believe he's dead." She looked down. "I can't believe he didn't die already given the risks he took." She laughed a little bit helplessly. "I don't know what I believe."
"You may believe anything you need to that helps you bear this."
She smiled. "Ever the wise one."
"Not at all. Just able to see clearly because I have distance from this. James Kirk and I were never at ease around each other. He knew I favored you."
She nodded.
"I am sorry for my son, though. He is in a great deal of pain." He looked down. "As is Saalen."
"He loved Jim. Idolized him." They sat in silence for a moment, then she stood up. "I feel a very strong need to be with my boy."
"Of course. And he needs to be with you. You are the most important thing in his life, Christine. He is your son in truth if not by blood. I do not know if you realize this."
She smiled at him. "I do. But thank you for reminding me."
End Part 1