Another short Mai HiME ? I simply wanted to dive into a bit of Natsuki's character. I find it easier to relate to her and write from her perspective than her counter part Shizuru. I suppose you could say this is NAtsuki's flashing thoughts right before she dissapears. Oh! and before I forget-I have a Blogger account wehre I'm putting my partially finished Mai HiME stuff while it's in progress and my original works, so if you like my writing here, check it out (Link is at the bottom of my profile). As always I apologize for grammar and spelling since I have no beta.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters mentioned in this story, Sunrise does.
Words had never been my forte. I always minced them, or if anything use them too bluntly. To me they only had few purposes. To get and give information. There was never really any other need for me to have to communicate with others, make small talk. So then why…did you want to talk to me? I was famous for blowing people off; The Ice Princess of Fuuka. People knew I was in that bubble of untouchability. It helped, if anything else, for me to focus on what I needed to achieve.
I never thought anyone would ever breach my bubble. That was, until you came along. You smiled at me, and talked to me. I'll admit now that it frightened me. Startled me to a point of which I didn't know what to say to you. Come to think of it now, there's rarely been a time in which I really knew what to say to you. Not when it mattered most. Times I which I should have been more considerate, or chosen my words better had become more of my mangled speech. It tore at me that I could never quite grasp hold of what I really wanted to say to you.
You had never had a problem with talking to me. You always had the right words. Hell, you even had plenty to spare. I could never keep up. All I managed to do was embarrass myself. I could never pick up your hints either. I had never been good with hearing people call me their friend or a close companion. Even to hear someone say 'I like you' was like someone was trying to barge into my carefully built up shield. I think at one point I had been shocked to hear you say that you held me dear so much that coherency had left my range of options.
Love…Friendship…I had never thought of those words before meeting you and everyone else. The Carnival…I don't think I've ever been more confused in my entire existence. All at once those terms were thrown at me, and I was swept up into a battle I hadn't prepared for. When it was revealed that our ties to our power was in our most important person, I had really thought there was nothing to fear. Everything I had ever loved or cared for was gone. I didn't have to worry about losing. There was nothing left for me to lose.
I was confused when that man rocked my world. To say the things that man did…I was unsure of everything. Nothing made sense. Everything I had worked for. Everything I had believed, crushed. It seemed as though I couldn't move…My mother, had not loved me? I couldn't call Him. He wouldn't come to me. For the first time in such a long time I felt extremely vulnerable. I had no clue what I should do.
So I rode. I rode to the only place I could really ever think. Problem was I got caught up I my thought so much I fell into a trap. It was stupid, looking back on it. I had been going far over the safe speed in the rain. If I wasn't so messed up in the head at the moment I wouldn't have had a problem. I was helpless though. Totally and utterly vulnerable and helpless. I felt like a lost child. I couldn't even defend myself.
You came though. You found me, even when I hadn't called for you. You were there, and you protected me. I probably wouldn't have accepted your help if I was in a better state of mind, but in that moment that I saw you summon your weapon, I seemed to freeze. Here was somebody to truly cared. Who was willing to help.
Of course, when I came to my senses, I couldn't really hide the fact I was touched. I felt stupid though. Very stupid, and very weak. I honestly hadn't cared if I had died there, but you had, and that made me guilty. The fact that you even added that you liked me…wow. I was so emotional at that moment I could even smile and answer you. I felt euphoric at that moment. It was great. I finally said something back. It was a big moment for me. To be able to say that. It meant I trusted you. It meant you were actually someone I could acknowledge as a friend.
Then that was shattered. In all of an hour the trust I had so earnestly found in you seemed to vanish before my eyes. You had stepped inside a bubble I wasn't ready to let anyone in. I had never wanted that to happen. I wanted you stay my friend. Not have something like that just…You seemed so calm about the matter when you spoke to them. It was a unavoidable fact. You seemed to accept that you felt that way. However, the moment one of the crossed the line and mentioned me, you struck them. I struck in somewhere inside that you were protecting me, that you were forbidding her from speaking that way about me. I suppose if I weren't so shocked I might have blushed and argued I could defend myself, or something along that line of thinking.
When you actually rose a hand to fight though I found myself running to stop you. I didn't know why though. It just sort of…happened. But you didn't seem calm anymore. In fact…you seemed downright scared shitless. The fact that I might have been listening scared you to a point where your voice trembled. I was ashamed, I think. I couldn't even answer you. I had no voice. But the moment you touched my skin it was like fire, or made electricity. I suddenly found myself thinking thoughts that were in no way part of who you really were, and my voice found itself. No. I screamed at you. I had done that before-but never like that. Never in such a strong protest. I suppose I was simply trying to protect myself from something I couldn't understand. Something I fear I may never fully understand.
I think that was the first time I ever saw you cry. That look on your face…I don't think I'd ever seen anyone so rejected and upset in all my life. But it was gone when your tears came and you turned to fight once again. Here's where my guilt comes in. If it hadn't been for me you wouldn't have done that to them. But it seemed as though my weakness then even stopped me from fully stopping you. I may have told you to, but I never really outright looked at you and asked. It was my fault for your state after all.
You scared me just then. After it was done, I felt as though you were a stranger. Someone who was full of a strange and scary emotion that I didn't understand. I couldn't even really tell you to stop either. After you left I ran. I just put on my uniform and ran. I ran as far away as I could. The rain stopped me though. I fell under. I dreamed.
I had a nightmare about you. I don't think I've ever had such a scary nightmare before. I think it was scary because it was true, and I simply didn't want to believe it, or confront it. I tried to push it aside though, I had work that needed to be settled. I needed to find you, and I needed to get my Child back. But stupidity and clouded thoughts got me stuck again. Tied up. Quite literally. The thing was though that even then you came for me. You always came. It was as though you had some sort of sixth sense that was attuned to me.
While you fought I realized something though. I thought I hadn't changed since I met you. I was wrong. I wasn't like I would have been. It was you who saved me from my darkness. Without you I would have become something far from what I am now. You were there for me. Always there, and you would always be there, I realized. It was huge. That one fact was huge. I depended on you. You were the single thing that was constant in my life.
It was simple. You were my most important person. I had resolve. I was ready to face you. You seemed almost relieved that I was strong again, but you were still going to take care of everything that I couldn't. Still though, even as you strived for me, I was going to strive for you to. I was going to get you to listen-even if it meant hurting you.
I had concluded that I wanted to live life better, but I felt like a hypocrite. I knew I wouldn't survive this confrontation. You wouldn't either. That didn't matter though, getting my point across did. I wondered briefly if the way I confronted you was wrong, but it was too late to back out. We had started it. Our final confrontation. Our final number in this wild Carnival. We fought, but we never actually hit each other. We didn't hurt one another. Well…I'll admit that bell hurt my eardrums like the shit but other than that, even the wrapping around your chain seemed as though it were a gentle embrace. Much like the one you threw me into once I was released. It was a now or never moment for me. That warmness, that…pure love that radiated from that hug flowed into me and gave me strength.
I'm not sure why I kissed you, but it seemed as though I was trying to get you to pay attention. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think it worked pretty damn well. I explained myself. I accepted you for you. I could even say that I loved you back. Just not the way you wanted. However…that was enough. That was all we needed to have said. Now all I need to do was finish it. Finish us.
I didn't expect death to be so warm. I feel fulfilled. So did you. This silence…this peace. In this last moment I smile. This is is a good way to die I suppose. Yeah…I'm not too upset about this. I'm with Shizuru…I'm with You. I don't need anything more.
I'm such a sap...xD I can't get over how I can't have stories end badly. It just seems wrong to me. Even as The two of them are DYING I make them have fluff. I must have a problem or something. anyways...Once again, check out my Blogger for more stuff of mine, the link is in my profile! As always reviews are love and thank you for reading!
-Konaxookami